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and very, very often, self care is not plants and ice rollers and fluffy blankets of peace.

it’s standing over your kitchen sink and crying while doing the dishes because you just want to go back to bed but the dishes need done. and you don’t know why you’re crying but you're trusting you need it. and you aren’t listening to the music that pulls you into a spiral; you’re listening to some cheerful shit your friend sent you. it’s getting up and staring at your fridge and closing your eyes and then cooking yourself food even though you hate it and it’s miserable. because you know that you’d cook for your friend, and you are trying to befriend yourself. it’s dragging yourself into the shower because you know you’ll feel better afterwards. it’s doing mundane tasks with patience, cursing under your breath, trying desperately to give yourself grace. grace is the beginning of care. care is the beginning of love.

we think it’s supposed to be peace and yet the most powerful self care moments are when we hate everything but especially ourselves. and life does not feel worth the loving. to look into that pain and yet choose to care for yourself in however many pieces you are — that is care. love. grace. trust. belief. it hurts because it’s love where there was no love before. it heals because it believes there will be love, one day, soon.

[notthecheese]

Surprisingly not a poem.

This is my second post. I have felt no real desire to make a post since my first until today: January 1st, 2023. It’s resolution time for everyone except for me. I can’t remember a time I actually kept a resolution. And I don’t just mean on January 1st. I make resolutions every day - every hour, even - and I can never keep them.

“Blame it on the ADD, baby”

I was diagnosed with ADD - or Inattentive ADHD as it is now known - a couple years ago. It was both validating and distressing. I had an answer, which allowed me to look for tools to manage this neurodivergence. Imagine my dismay when therapy, meds, and tips from online ADHD coaches didn’t magically erase my symptoms. They certainly helped, don’t get me wrong. But I wasn’t looking to manage anything, I was looking for some kind of cure (Spoiler: there is none).

So here I am: entering my 30th year, trying desperately to manage a disorder where one of the the most debilitating symptoms is lack of motivation. So, I’m not making any resolutions. It’s unrealistic for me. But I will make a promise to myself: I promise to be consistent in trying.

My 2023 Tries:

- I’ll try to write down important appointments

- I’ll try to reach out more often to friends

- I’ll try to pray every single night

- I’ll try to keep my promises

[notthecheese]

4 Years Later…

My name is Brie. In 2010 I was obsessed with tumblr but I abandoned my page after graduating high school. In 2018, I redownloaded the app and started a new page, but the new layout made me anxious. I think I felt like a nostalgic person visiting their old school just to find the inside completely remodeled. So here I am, 4 years later, with my first official post.

I’m honestly not sure what I’m doing here. I don’t know what I want from this platform. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know if this is purely in response to the slow downfall of Twitter. I don’t even know whether or not this will be my last official post.

I do know that I’m depressed. And I know how hard that is for me to admit to myself, let alone out loud. But I remember being more vulnerable on this platform than any other. So, maybe I’m here to do that again.

There’s this terrible knot in my stomach that won’t go away. I can’t enjoy anything without it feeling like it’s the calm before the storm. I’m not able to connect with people. I don’t think I want to right now. And I’m tired all the time.

If I post again, it will probably be a poem. Probably an old one because I haven’t been able to write in months. But I’d like to share again, whether or not I’m the only one in the audience.

4 years later…nice to meet you. (sorry to be a downer).

[notthecheese]

“I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.” - Sylvia Plath

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You will always be enough

for the right people,

no matter how many times

you stumble and fall

for the wrong ones.

Catch You // ma.c.a

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Florence - Italy (by peterhbgr)

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“She scares the hell out of me and calms my soul at the same time. Maybe that’s what love is—a total contradiction that somehow balances out.”

— Tammara Webber, Where You Are

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Starlight stops To paint your portrait, With all the subtlety Of sunrise.   Your eyes, captivating. The universe Disintegrates.

poeticallyordinary (via poeticallyordinary)

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Blokhus - Denmark (by ViktorDobai) 

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