novacaineroses1

[novacaineroses1]

[novacaineroses1]

I think I'm too gay and submissive to be watching a video about sweaty men tackling each other in the ring and brotherly bonds falling apart.

[novacaineroses1]

is this what jealousy feels like? am I jealous? Have I been before? sadly I think I have. I should be more grateful. and stop snooping but....they are so loud. even if I wasn't listening, I'd hear.

what even is this? it's stupid. I hate this pit in my chest. it's not even them, in general, its.. vaguer. maybe just the act as a whole. I need to get out more. maybe if I make more content for school, i'd get eyes on me. am I needy? I don't seem to have any fans yet but I haven't done anything. and no one but him liked my automaton facts. so maybe it's not worth it. but I can't deny it being about him.....stupid. of course, he'd like him, the rumors are all over the place and they are not subtle. now I guess I have more confirmation than anyone on campus. feels a little sneaky. but I shouldn't assume, all they are doing really is being as dirty and fratty as ever. watching stuff I think. I don't know. I don't even know what feelings are, let alone assuming shit between two people I barely know. the only guy I ever did this stuff with, I pushed down a flight of stairs. so maybe it's just not for me... ༻✦༺ 　༻✧༺　༻✦༺

[novacaineroses1]

ooc: hi people finding this blog. thx u for the kind words. but also please note that this blog is my oc's ic Tumblr page solely for a discord group i'm in. I didn't think anyone would find it. you all can stay and enjoy my ocs posts. just be aware this is my ocs vent/ personal blog and not mine. long text posts relate to stuff in that server and il never give context. I love that Griffin's sad hours green day lyrics and edgy art is liked by people completely unaware of his existence. honestly makes this blog feel more real. keep it up, you all were a pleasant surprise.

[novacaineroses1]

[novacaineroses1]

Heavenly Order is nothing like I thought it would be. maybe it was just my parents feeding me a fairytale….but the royal halls and suites have that fairy tale aura…. it's the people. people have modernized, the school hasn't. so i was fed an outdated ver. even by my siblings honestly. they rarely talked about their time in college. and the 3 siblings im close with would rather not speak about their time. so I truly just had my parents' rom-com life stories to fall back on.

it felt like i was hit with a brick.

[novacaineroses1]

god, I've been embarrassing lately. I keep doing stupid stuff that makes people think im nuts. I stopped using this tumblr for a while for that reason. but I just can't. I need outlets. my brain is running up a hill. and I keep falling. at least I finally know what I want. kinda. enough. I weirdly thank him. I was going to retract everything I ever was thinking of doing if it wasnt for him……egh. him. he's a whole other vent. they all are. and yet they feel more like home than home ever has.

[novacaineroses1]

my brain has been rambling a lot more lately at night. I'm used to it i guess. it tamed a lot as I grew up. but I don't really have a place to go when it gets this bad. I mean here is a place. but I haven't been this rambly since I was a teen. I guess my brain finally just hit the "I'm alone and not a home. no one at home is truly watching or caring." stage of college. only took one and a half semesters. I don't hate it. I just feel annoying. luckily no one really follows me here. i hope. i guess.

[novacaineroses1]

I like the jellyfish with the flower designs on their head. isn't it neat how nature repeats itself like that? the way patterns repeat imagery in everything? I've been told my freckles look like quail egg spots. hm.

[novacaineroses1]

jellyfish feel so space-like. they should be flying in the stars instead of in the sea. i wish I was a jellyfish. or a seal. seals eat jellyfish. I think.

[novacaineroses1]

oh and the librarian! he has a amazing singing voice. I remember him more from that repo movie though.

spike from buffy the vampire slayer was like. really hot. especially in the musical episode. That's the only ep I remember. but. mmmm.

[novacaineroses1]

spike from buffy the vampire slayer was like. really hot. especially in the musical episode. That's the only ep I remember. but. mmmm.

[novacaineroses1]

what do you do when you feel stuck? I should strive for power but. it also isn't what is desired of me. what do you do when it's a power that can cause division? I've played it over and over in my head for a week or so. i hate it. i shouldn't be so fixated. but maybe it will help in what is desired of me? I hate thinking this way. it wasn't in the plan. none of that night was. or the ride home. nothing has been going right. but why don't I feel like it's a bad thing? but I do? it's both. it's a bad thing.

I should stay on course, and focus on my goals. but what if the feeling i felt that night will help with my goals? i dont know why it would but. it's empty here. it's not empty there. it's empty feeling alone. I'm not alone over there. maybe I can do more over there to achieve my goals. yeah. god, I dont know anymore.

[novacaineroses1]

[novacaineroses1]

Starry nights, city lights coming down over me

Skyscrapers and stargazers in my head

Are we? we are, are we? we are the waiting unknown

This dirty town was burning down in my dreams

Lost and found, city bound in my dreams

[novacaineroses1]

I wasnt told for 22 years of my life that my waist was an asset for men's eyes (and hands) just to be told it's normal.

[novacaineroses1]

* Should go back to bed *

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