nowhere-noone

[nowhere-noone]

16-06-2025

I enjoy visitors but I don’t like guests. The air turns cold upon their leave and the atmosphere shifts. It’s too hard to return to the complacency of a life lived alone.

[nowhere-noone]

12-03-2025

Rock bottom for me occurred today. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to admit my shame out loud. Really, the only thing that matters is that I know what I did and the feelings that I have about it, and that I know what I have to do to succeed from here. I’ve hit bottom before and I know how to cope better. Rather, I know what my therapist expects me to do to cope.

I know the techniques and the breathing exercises. I will give it an honest try but I just feel like shit about all of it. I’m disappointed in myself and I don’t even know how to bring it up in therapy tomorrow. If one more person is disappointed in me I don’t know.

My first instinct is fight or flight; if I don’t like something or feel threatened, I am textbook to either cut and run or to try to defend myself even when I know I’m wrong. I hate that about myself. I have been excusing my own bad behavior for so long that it makes me sick. I don’t want to be this person anymore and the depression and mood swings I’ve been having make it even more difficult to make the changes that will save my life and improve its quality.

I really don’t think that the loss of energy from severe depression is talked about enough. For the last several years, I chalked it up to me simply being lazy. I still think I’m lazy, but when I actually tried to heal, when I was optimistic about changing, the complete lack of energy was really hard to overcome. Somewhere down the line I just stopped fighting against it and therein lies my problem now. It’s the lack of energy and depression plus now having the extra weight. The longer I wait to change, the worse it will get and I’m at a pinnacle right now.

Mainly, I just feel bad about myself today. I’m disappointed, disgusted, tired, ashamed, angry and a little sad even. I’m going to end up killing myself if I don’t stop making excuses and just do it. I don’t want to completely shit on myself and go into self loathing mode because I spend a lot of time down there and while I do hate myself, I think it’s counterproductive. I fucked up, but what am I going to do about it? What will I do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

I’ve noticed that I have issues with impulse control. If I had to make a list of things to work on, that would probably be in the top 5.

Anyway, I hate myself and I’m angry and ashamed. I took Benadryl because I have a rash I’m assuming is from my dog’s fur. Nevertheless, it’s making me tired now and I just need to clear my head and get some sleep.

[nowhere-noone]

Sometimes I think about the detrimental days of youth and worry that I’ll never feel anything again that is nearly as loud. The numbness of adulthood has taken the fun out of everything and reality is actually just silent. The world is gray and it’s dying. Everything is terrifying and I’ve just been standing here like an asshole as time goes by.

Is there a word for the fear of closing your eyes?

I don’t recognize myself and I don’t recognize this world. It seems that there are no genuine actions of consequence. Praise falls on deaf ears because it’s not celebrated the same and it doesn’t feel the same. I wish I didn’t grow up thinking that the future was bright because I was not prepared for how this would feel. The gut-punch of the real world. It’s pretty fucking bleak here.

I wish I could go back and tell myself that it can, in fact, get worse and to enjoy it while it lasts because hope felt cleaner back then. I feel like I’m standing in the shallow end of the pool of possibilities, watching it drain as my skin wrinkles. Pain doesn’t hurt, love isn’t lofty, and life lost its zest. Grief and nostalgia whisper things to me that nobody else seem to understand. The interesting thing is that this is not supposed to be a negative entry, I just don’t know how to process how this makes me feel.

[nowhere-noone]

Money is tight right now. My apartment manager sent out an email to tenants saying that they’re going to do an inspection and determine whether or not we can renew our lease based on that. This is new. I guess that’s fair, but with the possibility of not renewing and having nowhere to live on the table, I guess it’s kind of fitting. My life isn’t going to plan - not that there was a plan. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. They’re making it really hard to want to wake up but maybe that’s the point? Anyway, I can’t afford anything else at the moment so I’m trying to stay positive. They don’t know that I have a puppy so I’m going to have to hide him for the inspection or my rent will soar for sure. Inflation is not kind to those of us on the poverty line.

Work was madness, instead of monotonous. You would think that those in positions of power would consider the butterfly effect of launching a new product/service/platform that isn’t fully tested, and nobody is trained on. Especially with the staffing issues lately. It’s just all very messy. I don’t take it with me because I can’t afford to. I have enough to worry about but for the 8.5 hours a day that it’s on my plate, I really do struggle to find the point. I often fantasize about literally being anywhere else, doing anything else. I even fantasize about death and ways to not make it hurt, or to make it hurt my family less. On the upside, I think I am finally settling into 28 and darling, it’s macabre.

I wish I didn’t have to worry about silly things like money and loneliness and eternity or purpose or whatever. Our planet is dying, society is approaching another little dark age and I wish there were more that I could do. But if I want to remain among the housed and clothed, my time is a monopoly belonging to everyone but me.

Do you ever feel tired of tired? I think I’ve used up 80% of my energy for the week and it’s only Wednesday.

[nowhere-noone]

You know what’s weird? The years between the focal points of life. The ten years it’s been since I graduated high school, nothing extraordinary really happened. There were birthdays, births, a concert here or there. Tiny dots that break up monotony. Special events that mark a year and make it memorable - but after 5 years, did that happen in 2020? 2022? Time blends into the amalgamus void of the human experience. Tiny dots perforated into the tapestry of time that can’t be seen with the naked eye.

Turning 18 - possibilities

Turning 21 - alcohol and opportunity

Turning 25 - bittersweet twenties and confusion

Turning 28 - you didn’t accomplish what you wanted to

You’ve been stuck for 10 years, on autopilot.

Sometimes it feels like you only exist when other people need you and it gives you purpose and fulfillment to keep you from breaking down. The world outside keeps turning until someone needs you and takes you off of the shelf. You’re in the routine but when you look up a month has passed. No one needs you yet, head down.

[nowhere-noone]

I’m staying for them, not for me.

[nowhere-noone]

We used to watch sad movies together. Not inherently sad or obviously sad, but the kind of sad that brings you to a destination in your mind, long forgotten. We cried at them, held each other and silently tried to unpack the feelings we had. I’ve never had that kind of closeness. Uninhibited and unconditional. Sometimes I wonder if you still remember that feeling. We destroyed one another in the end but I wonder if it isn’t because we cared too much or resented the pressure.

I still remember the days before the tears became violent. Hours spent tracing the outlines of your hands with the fingertips from mine. The long nights falling asleep with your head in my lap to the lofi noises of the rain on trees, do you remember that feeling?

Please don’t forget me.

[nowhere-noone]

The courage to say goodbye,

That’s all I’m after.

I can’t explain a sadness that’s been with me longer than most of my teeth.

I’m lonely when I’m lonely, and when I’m not.

So much of my time isn’t mine.

[nowhere-noone]

Some shit paintings from the soul

[nowhere-noone]

Will it ever feel like home again? This body, this mind.