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nyctophilicc · 1 month ago

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● Cowardice and it's price ●

Anaxagoras never acknowledge the truth his heart spoke , now he's left to live with the regret as his closest companion .

>>>Featuring : Anaxagoras × GN!self.sacrificial.reader

>>>Tags : NO beta we die like mydei , Reader is mysterious in a way , Anaxagoras lives , angst (?) , Anaxagoras is in denial , mild language (a bit?) , a tiny bit suggestive (it's like ONE kiss) , Stupid people in love , YEARNING , did I say angst ? Angst , probably really out of charecter anaxagoras

°Words count : 2k and something

>> a/n : this is my first ever fic written , not proof read , not revised , just a thought I wrote down , it's more like a draft , this sucks SO MUCH you've been warned , I hope it's not too bad . Polite Criticism is welcomed !

“I remember thinking ; i must see this to the end . At the time , i havent realised the impact that one simple promise i made myself would have on me . Ive long stopped fearing the unknown , ive opted to chase it ; i want to unravel the truth of this plane and peel off all its secrets till i can satisfy my curiosity .” you stopped to throw him a glance , "or find a reason to keep moving forward" you looked at him , but anaxagoras thought for a second you must be looking far beyond him , through him even .

“Thats why i wait and search for things that probably arent real .” you huffed a laugh after that , giving the man one last look before going back to your book .

Anaxagoras couldt sleep that night , he swore he must be sick , thats the only explanation for the ache in his heart and the pounding of his head .

‘i want to unravel the truth of this plane’ he swore his heart stopped for a second after hearing these words . Anaxagoras have known you since his early years , before even becoming a teacher at the grove . Both souls lost in an endless search , shunned for blasphemy and wondrous minds . He didnt know what to make of your relationship ; your bond . You both fit like puzzle pieces , his thghougts were laid out for you to read so easily . You listened , enjoyed it even and he caught himself grining whenever you'd humor his ‘crazy ideas’ . ‘Stupid’ he thought , but didn't have the heart to do anything about it .

Anaxogras swore you were special , a varient like no other , an enigma he wished to unravel . Your mind was always guarded and unpredictable , a maze of contradictions . you were cold upfront , some would even say heartless . But anaxagoras saw right through all your walls , and he's never felt prouder before . You were warm , kind and loyal to a fault ; he liked being the only one privy to these qualities .

"You need to stop procrastinating less they hold you back a year” he chastised , your final year was coming up , he was older then you , agreed to help you study and asked you why you only revise when he does it with you . “Its meaningless if i do it without you” you said it like it was factual and he was an idiot for not knwing “I'll pass anyways , high grades or not . But if you're here, I'll have a reason to strive.” He liked being your reason , you were his too in some ways . ‘Stupid’ anaxagoras thought at his own revelation , but didn't have the heart to chase the growing truth away .

He took out his eye ; for the sake of research , for alchemy , for his sister .

He doesn't know why he came to your door , he was still bloodied , you'll freak out then call him crazy and chase him out like all the others .

He knows no one stays , they all leave , by death or their own volation ; in the end it's the same outcome .

‘Stupid stupid stupid stupid stu-’ He was about to leave , regretting knocking on your door , but the wooden barrier opened . You were asleep , that much was clear from your trousled looks . You were about to ask for the reason of his visit but stopped dead in your tracks at the sight of him . He looked tired , dirty and in pain . He readied himself for the outcome he speculated , but instead you took him by the hand , cradled his face and cleaned him up .

No words were spoken that night , just light touches . You looked worried and heartbroken , but Anaxagoras saw the understanding beneath your worry . ‘I'm here’ your actions spoke , a much needed reassurance . Anaxagoras stared at you that night like you hung the stars in the sky and offered him a path to waltz around their domain .

You were here , and anaxagoras didnt know what to do with that truth , nor what to make of the fuzziness spreading from his heart around his body and flushing him hole .

‘i must be sick’ , he thought , but he knew he wasn't the best at lies .

Anaxagoras was a performer through and through . He danced around the material of his lessons , answered all questions with confidence, and took great pride in his work . but after the sun sets and he retreats to his office , all these roles are stripped away the moment he meets your gaze .

“ Welcome back” you'd greet him with a warm smile . He was him and you were you , no titles or roles .

He asked you once why you spend the majority of your time in his office , and you said it's a favorite spot of yours .

“It's warm and welcoming” you explained “plus , your couch is , like, super comfy. Someone has to use it since you're always hunched over your desk” . He thought you were wrong , his office was cold and barren , you were warm . He never chased you away , kept the couch always ready for you and never admitted the reason why your favorite tea was always the right temreture ready and waiting for you .

You were always off to somewhere , someplace .

Anaxagoras found himslef wondering where you were whenever your absence besides him stretched too long .

“ive got busssniness to take care off too you know” You laughed when he asked about your wearbouts once .

“Tell me before you disappear at least!” He chastised you then , angry tone masking the worry gnawing at his heart . You looked surpried , but your expression quickly melted to a more soft one . “Alright , i will” you reassured , and Anaxagoras was surprised how quickly he believed you .

He should've known you'd end up this way one day .

You were bloodied , a long clean cut from your shoulder to your elbow making way to crimson droplets . You looked tired and so done , standing before his door like you were one second away from leaving the mortal realm .

“Hi , mind helping out?” you sounded unbothered if only a little uncomfortable .

Anaxa didnt know if he should focus on the way he felt his breathing stop and his heart drop at the sight of you or if he should quickly rush you inside so he could keep you far away from harm and tend to you .

Anaxa realised then ; ‘this must be how they felt back then’ He winced , cleaned your arm and helped you wash out the blood from your shirt . that night , he didn't ask what happened , no , he'll do that later (because like hell he'd ever allow you to get this badly hurt again why he was by your side) , for now he simply cradled you in his arms and spent the night by your side , a steady presence and a reassurance 'I'm here' his actions spoke .

Aglaea spoke of you , Anaxagoras felt immense annoyance like no before .

The grove was under attack and you single handedly protected the place and its people . By the time he and others arrived, you were already staning injured and surrounded by the aftermath of a fight that spoke of the grave events that took place .

Aglaea spoke of you , she called you fate breaker . Anaxagoras scoffed at the implacation but felt himself grow tense at your cold expression .

“Prophecies are nothing but possibilities , lady aglaea” You spoke with a tone Anaxagoras has never heard before , and Aglaea looked at you with a mix of understanding and compassion . His heart twisted in his chest .

Anaxagoras didnt like the title you were called , nor the way he had no idea of the meaning behind it . YOu were keeping something from him , that much he realised . but what ? he thought to confront you , he did .

You smiled at him like he proposed and pulled him in hug like no before . Anaxa stilled , he liked your touch , he didn't like the underlying meaning of whatever this hug meant .

He was ready for his grand sacrifice , his biggest performance . But death didn't come , he still stood there among the other heirs .

He should've known something was odd the moment he told you of his speculated death and you only looked at him with a sad smile full of empathy .

He should've known you'd do something , but how ? And what ? he didn't know .

You gave him a red cristal when he came back , made him wear it as a necklace, and swear to never take it off . He questioned you why .

'It's so i know my way back home even if my soul shall be lost’ He accepted the accessory in surprise (he didnt know at the time that you handed him your heart in the form of cristelized red nor that it'd take place right next to his so he never loses it) .

He took you in his arms and hid his face in the crook of your neck .

‘Damn you and your mind and heart and voice and body and soul . Damn you-’ He thought . He held you tighter , never acknowledging the growing fondeness in his heart, but the long soft kiss he gave to the side of your neck told you all the unspoken words he couldn't yet utter . And your refusal to push him away , rather bringing him closer , was enough for him to know your answer . Words were never necessary between you both anyways .

He shouldve known something was wrong .

You spent less and less time around him , spoke fewer words and gave him more of your cherished belongings .

The day you gave him your precious pocket watch was the day he questioned your actions . You only layed your head on his shoulder and hummed a tone he didn't recognize . Your touch an anchor for him in the mirage of his thoughts .

'They're gifts , that way, you'll never forget nor get rid of me!’ You said it playfully, but your eyes held a depth of emotions he swore must've weighted you down .

And now , as he stands infornt of the other heirs , having watched you perform your last dance before leaving the living plane , Anaxagoras thought he was a coward .

Aglaea said something about you breaking fate and preventing Prophecies

. Anaxa didnt care to listen , he clutched the necklace you gave him in his hand and kept staring .

He didn't know how he came back to his chambers but he stood now in front of everything you've given him ; trinkets and notes and he felt hallow and void . No anger nor sadness , as if his soul was seperated from his body , he didnt feel and perhaps that should worry him to some degree but all he could think of was your voice and face and your stupid stupid stupid warm smile that he’ll never get to see agin because you were gone-!

Anaxagoras fell to the ground on his knees .

He looked up , at what ? he didn't know .

But he thought he was a coward for not voicing his feelings to you before , for not crossing the boundaries of friends or colleagues , for not putting a label to the what his entire being screamed towards you , for not going beyond a hug or the spur of the moment , for not initiating and for not acting-

Anaxagoras knew he was a coward , and he realised then that it cost him his soul and heart and won an eternal companion (regret was an ugly feelings that started seeping into his bones and making home in the hallow of his heart) . B

Because now you were gone , and you tore his soul away with you .

‘Fate breaker’ they called you , Anaxagoras cursed them for the name .

You took the fate that was meant for him (his death , he should've died , he should've known not to trust cerces after he survived he should've-!)

They said you did the impossible , broke fate and won against the divine word of their cherished gods . Anaxagoras disagrees , he thinks you failed . He still died in a way .

He still walked the domain of the living , but all that was left of him was the empty shell of his physical form .

He felt dead , he knew he was .

Not physically at least .

But as he knelt and wept to the sky (he didnt weep , professor Anaxagoras does't weep , he doesn't cry , he doesn't-!) He realized that he belonged to you before he even knew it , and even if he is to suffer without you now , he'll make sure to find you after the end .

His heart will find its way home one way or another , his soul will ache for yours till his last breath , and when you reunite (and he’s sure you will , he'll tear down heaven and hell to reach you) he’ll never let go , nor will he hold in any unspoken words or promises .

And as time passes , anaxagoras wrote your name on paper and immortalized you in records for generations to remember .

And as he took his last breath , he felt peace for the first time in so long .

‘Im home’ he thought , and his hand stretched in front of him to grasp the illusion of your warmer one .

>>> I tried oh well , I hope this turned out to be decent at least 😭

#ANGST IS MY BFF #Okay but lwk this turned out really bad i hate it ugh #these tags are sm fun to write down tho ehe #if youre reading this tyyyy for your time ill try to get better pinky promise #anaxagoras #anaxagoras x reader #anaxagoras x you #hsr #hsr x reader #hsr x y/n #angst #fanfic #x reader #x y/n #x you

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