nyxscave

[nyxscave]

A sunny day, finally!! Not having visible sunlight in the mornings was bringing my mood down paired with the incoming winter air, so it was a nice change.

I have been making an effort to keep reaching for a book instead of my phone, and succeeding so far. Started An Abundance of Katherines, which I have read before, but online and it's been a few years already. It's so, so good; and John Green's books have always been able to pull those real, startled laughs out of me every time.

I know it's cliche, but I love his books sooooooo much. And it's not so much about the words or the writing style; but the stories, the way he uses humor, and how original and real his characters are. It's how I can picture the scenes, the emotions that hit deep and personal in the gut. I just love it. Love him. The world is beautiful and nothing's wrong.

[nyxscave]

zoom in to say hi 👋🏻

I finally met my new CompSci advisor this week :) I thought about canceling many times because I didn't know if my anxiety was going to be bad that day, and I'm so glad everything went well.

She's so sweet and incredibly understanding, given that my background is in machine learning (artificial neural networks, LLMs, genetics, medical systems), and she's from theoretical AI (knowledge representation, ontologies, belief revision).

The challenge here is to find a middle ground where we're both comfortable, and she gave me the freedom to choose whatever I think would be nice. I appreciate it, but that also makes for a very fucking tough homework. I kinda don't know anything about her field so I'm going in blind. There's still time, though; and I hope we come up with something we both enjoy working on 🧬🧫👩🏻‍🔬💻🌐

[nyxscave]

Bonfire again! This time with some chicken and pine nuts :)

I'm replacing reading on my phone with paper books again; so I bought some old ones, because it makes me feel more comfortable "ruining" them by taking notes and scribbling. I kind of love getting books that were clearly loved by someone, too; slightly yellowed pages and little notes taken by someone else.

I finished The Picture of Dorian Gray a few years ago, but re-read it now from the Oxford Bookworms collection (which is a shorter version; I bought it thinking it was the original but oh well). Finished in two days, and it made me remember how much I love, love reading. I used to binge-read series in under a week before, yk ... Gen Z's go-to phone addiction. I don't have that much time anymore, but I hope I can make reading paper books a habit again from now on.

[nyxscave]

Thank you for your post about your experiences with anxiety.

Thank u for reading until the end :) It means a lot ❤️

[nyxscave]

Had to take a good cry after that one, hope you all enjoyed (and that it helps you, somehow)

Thank you for the love through it all ❤ Back to the usual content tomorrow, I'll bring good news

[nyxscave]

About the last few weeks, studying, burnout and anxiety; and how to treat yourself kindly

Tw for cussing, mental health issues, meds, suicidal thoughts. Very short TL;DR that doesn't need context in pink at the end.

Background; how it started

Doctors + exams + results

The Fucking Psychiatrist

From the pit

Return to normal, and about the future

TL;DR

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① Background; how it started

I presented my dissertation in February, and graduated in March. Got accepted into my dream Master's program in November last year, but because of conflicting dates, my classes only start in August; so for the next 5 months I had almost no academic obligations.

I had to start planning a project with my new advisor around June, and two extra presentations in events. A paper to edit too, just to tie some loose ends, but only if I felt like it. It was my suggestion, actually, because I thought I was going to be bored to death during those months. Kind of a reenactment of the lockdown, because I barely leave my house if it isn't to go to uni, and I'm not currently working.

I also decided to get my wisdom teeth pulled, something that should've gotten done 6 months ago because of my braces, but oh well, I had a dissertation to write then, and better late than never.

Got two done, and a month later got the other two done. A few days after, right in the morning of the first day I wouldn't need to take the anti-inflammatory anymore, I got some weird arrhythmias and a constant feeling of pressure on my chest that would last for a month, 24/7. Cried a lot, because I thought I was having some weird reaction to the antibiotic and the anti-inflammatory I was taking or so. Considered colitis for some reason.

Because what, anxiety? I don't have anxiety! All my classes and exams are over and all the teeth I needed pulled are gone and now I really, really don't have anything to stress about anymore. Just this fucking chest pain and cardiac problems now, apparently.

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② Doctors + exams + results

I went to the doctor after 3 weeks of constant, dull chest pressure, with occasional arrhythmias in between. She, Doctor A, suspected of hyperthyroidism, and I got bloodwork and an EKG done; I'd go get my results and another consultation in another 2 weeks.

2 days before that, though, I got worse all of a sudden; I'd woken up feeling a bit off, but by midday I started having some crazy heart palpitations and the chest pain increased tenfold. I got scared and started crying and having trouble breathing and speaking. Went to the ER, got an IV drip with a muscle relaxant and anti-inflammatory, and an anxiolytic. Another EKG done, and a thoracic x-ray.

Everything was normal. Went back home with a prescription for more muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories, but Doc B said I had an anxiety attack. The meds probably woudn't work, but it was mostly to prove to me that it wasn't a muscular issue, as I had suspected before that.

Well, they really did not work. Went to the scheduled consultation 2 days later, shaky and feeling terrible still. Guess what.

Everything was normal. Doc A took one other look at me and said I probably had anxiety because anything else would've left some traces of inflammation or hormonal imbalances on the bloodwork, and despite a 24-h Holter being better for detecting anything wrong with my heart, with how the symptoms were progressing - constant, non-stop, get worse just occasionally -, the ekg was enough to know my heart was fine. Clear lungs, no trauma for costochondritis, heart at a normal size on the x-ray.

But I asked "Why?? And how? I'm literally on vacation, nothing stressful happening, what the fuck", and she told me that it was probably built-up anxiety from things that happened before that. Since it's my first "real" vacation in a while, the body finally "let itself go" now that there's nothing important at stake.

... Now I should see a psychiatrist, actually. That'd certainly help *pats back*

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③ The Fucking Psychiatrist

5-min consultation, 10min after the other one, and a minor breakdown in the bathroom. I shakily told her all the exams that were clear, and she hummed. After that, she said "Oh, that's very common, actually." and handed me a prescription for an SSRI antidepressant to be taken every day, and a mild anxiolytic for crises. She said it would take two weeks to see any effect, but at least, by the end of that, I certainly wouldn't be in any pain anymore. "Any bad side effects? I'm always kind of scared of those.", "Some people have mild nausea and headaches, but not everyone."

🚩 - Prescribed me the brand meds, not the generic ones. I bought it without even thinking about it because I was so desperate for the pain to stop that I didn't even think that there were generic versions since she only wrote the brand name. Probably gave her a commission fee with those ones. It was expensive.

🚩 - The antidepressant was at the therapeutic dosage, yes, but I do think that SSRIs tend to be introduced at a lower dosage in the first week or so for people who aren't used to them (or at least that's what they taught me in my pharmacology class). You could justify that I went to the consultation a bit freaked out and she wanted me to have faster results, but still, it was my first time ever taking anything like that.

🚩 - The anxiolytic for crises? Doesn't really have a strong effect immediately like benzodiazepines. It's actually usually prescribed for a few weeks at a time because it has a cumulative effect rather than an acute one. Fuck me if I had a bad one like the ER one, that lasted 3 hours.

I took the anxiolytic after getting home, on the same day, just to see if I didn't have an allergic reaction. I kind of felt the pressure on my chest lessen after 1-2 hours, yes; didn't last long, and I don't know if it was the medication or not, since that didn't happen when I used it the next day. But didn't make me feel too off, I think.

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④ From the pit

Took the antidepressant the following morning.

I did feel a bit nauseous. A little headache. And a little feverish. Dilated pupils. Couldn't eat, not because of the nausea, but because looking at food was like looking at a pile of dirt on a plate. Shaky. Weirdly tired during the day but not sleepy.

High as fuck, actually.

Emotionally numb and dissociated, lucid but so very confused at everything. Feeling a bit more anxious than usual, yes, but then came the fucking depression. Spiraled so hard and so fast into suicidal thoughts, which I don't think I've ever had with that intensity before, that I physically flinched and scared myself. Like "What the fuck? Ok, ok that was listed as a side effect but oh fuck what the fuck". I don't think I've ever felt that mentally ill before. My thoughts were all jumbled and messy at the same time that I felt my head was empty. Then running a thousand miles per hour. Then sad sad sad sad sad

I didn't sleep at all that night, and one of my safe people stayed up with me while I cried because they had to monitor if my fever wouldn't go up or if I wouldn't have a heart attack. We tried counting my heart rate at the wrist for more than ten minutes because I was shaking so bad we couldn't keep up for 30 seconds.

I said I couldn't do that again maybe at 5am. I just couldn't, ever. "I don't want to, ever, please, I really don't want to take anything anymore, I'll heal on my own, please" and I begged and cried and I felt so numb but also feeling so scared and like my head wasn't mine anymore.

I think I slept from 7am-9am. The antidepressant I took had a half-life of 30 hours, so I'd take roughly 4 days to get everything off.

The following two to three days lasted ages. I spent them feeling so fucked in the head - all of the above and more. I don't think I could explain everything even at the time, because I was all over the place. I cried, cried, cried and just couldn't stop crying with no real reason to accompany the tears. Just anguished sobs and feeling like I wouldn't ever get better again. I remember telling a friend that "Those goddamn drugs took my anxiety away but they gave me fucking depression to balance it out" because even though it was temporary, that's what it felt like. Endless hours of mental and physical despair.

But I think that the scariest part is that I couldn't eat almost anything. I tried to drink water and smoothies but anything that my brain saw as food was off the list. And I'm thin - and I have to eat a lot just to maintain my weight, for some reason. And I lose it so, so easily, without exercising or doing anything. That's fucking scary, because it means that if anything goes wrong - like this time - I don't have any reserves. I lost 4kg in the past month because of my initial symptoms, just because I wasn't eating the same amount of food as always, but still, I was eating almost as usual. 2-3 days without eating almost anything and the following days getting better tortuously slow made me feel and look frail. I'm underweight now, according to my BMI. I can't go days or weeks like that again, and my body's struggling to get the memo that it needs to save some goddamn calories that I'm fighting so hard to get.

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⑤ Return to normal, and about the future

I'm really done with meds for now; I know it gets worse before it gets better, and that's expected. But I couldn't do it, really. Not like that.

Maybe there comes a day when I'll need to take those for real; half of my friends already do. But for now, I choose a slower recovery, but one where I can take care of myself with grace and the gentleness I think my body and mind need right now.

It's a week later, now. I'm eating more and trying to fix my sleep schedule, because if I thought that was a mess before, it's even worse now. I can sleep for 12h if you let me, but only after 2am or so. My chest pressure and isolated arrhythmias pop up sometimes, but I think I'm feeling a bit better than before the whole med situation. Maybe it's a combination of knowing what's wrong with me now and learning how to take care of myself short and long-term.

Another possibility is that I cried everything I had built up during the past decade this weekend because dear lord

The expensive meds are safely stored away in a drawer for now. No more scheduled exams or consultations, but therapy is something I'm considering for a few weeks from now if I feel like I need some additional support.

The approach I'm choosing for the following weeks and months, until the end of the year and beyond, is a mix of the "Rules to not feel like shit", which is that one post that I wrote at like 2am months ago and people are still reblogging now, lol. So, for the 2.0 version:

Daily Exercise -> stretching, dancing (cardio) and muscle training; getting up more often, walking places and spending more time moving my body are also things I have to work on, as a priority, because I work and study sitting on my ass for more than ten hours a day and that can't be healthy. I want my ballerina posture back, too, I look like a shrimp nowadays.

Sleep Hygiene -> getting up and going to bed at the same time every day, yada yada. Most of my sleep issues come because of procrastination, which makes me push important things to the last hours of the day. That makes me stressed, and that makes me take longer to sleep after I go to bed. So it's a chain reaction of despair, but one I can fix now since I'm on vacation, and it's easier to establish those kinds of habits so that, when it's exam season, I'm not using more concealer under my eyes than sunscreen.

Mindfulness -> breathwork before going to bed and learning how to breathe right to calm myself down during the day was something unexpected to me. "Just take a deep breath" actually works sometimes, you know; and making it a daily practice and staple mini-reset every time I need it really made a difference in my well-being. Meditating for a few minutes a day focusing on my breathing and letting my thoughts go is also very nice. I'm working on being more mindful during the day, too, but that shit's incredibly hard; doesn't mean I'll give up. It gives me that feeling of having a clear (not empty) head throughout the day, of having my thoughts organized and not screaming at me from a thousand different sides.

Less screen time (and going analog) -> one thing I noticed during the *war flashbacks* ... pit, was that distracting myself from the physical and mental anguish with my phone was better than, say, reading a book (because it's so much easier to scroll a feed or play games than it is to focus on words on paper), but sometimes my heart started racing and I'd need a moment with my head buried on a pillow, in silence and not looking at anything, to calm down again. And it wasn't after a few hours on Tiktok or anything; 10min playing Honkai on AFK was enough. So! I don't think the activity I do on my phone is the only culprit; my brain probably associated the whole phone with stress and that's unconscious at this point. Which means that, at least, I have to decrease my screen time but put some other activity in its place or I'll go crazy because my thoughts won't let me live in peace. The one thing I found that checks all the boxes is writing - about whatever I'm thinking, or feeling, or literally anything unrelated -, because it makes my thoughts slow down (physically writing takes more time than typing or just thinking about things), and gives them a place to live. Somewhere I can look at and see that my thoughts are just... thoughts, and they have a shape, structure, and limitation. They can exist outside of me; that doesn't mean I won't ever think about those things that I wrote again, that's not the point for me. I just need to slow down, organize them, and let them take shape on a piece of paper, so they become tangible. That makes one hell of a difference in every single aspect of how my mind works and processes things, and it makes it clear up. Also, still related to phone usage; use an analog wristwatch, or a table one. Please. I won't elaborate.

Listening to my body -> that's one I mostly see on posts about neurodivergent people, but that helped me a ton. Paying more attention, during the day, if my body is uncomfortable; if I need to get warmer, if I need to lay down, stretch a bit, drink water, just get up and take my mind off things even if I'm working on something important. Listening to what my body is telling me without my mind letting me know, because usually whatever I'm studying or working on feels more urgent than getting up to get a blanket, is probably part of the reason why my chest pain seemingly blew up out of nowhere. I'm not blaming myself, because I don't think I would've changed anything up until now; I did everything that I did because I had reasons to. Exams to study for, papers to write, presentations to prepare for. But after this scare, I now know I have to focus on myself more. And that's not about self-improvement; but about caring for my body like it's a scared (aka anxious) kid that sometimes needs comfort, even though it doesn't know how to express pain until it's too much. My mind's job is to focus on the subtle, daily signs that I need something even though I don't strongly feel that there's anything wrong. There's always room to feel 1% better every time I check in.

I know it sounds like bullshit, and cliche, and too slow of an approach, and that it doesn't really work. I know there are people who genuinely need more support than this; but it's been working for me in the short term, and I hope that it will make me feel better in the following months and years. There's nothing wrong with my body - but my mind is anxious, and scared, and burnt out from all those months and years of academic stress and things that I handled fine when they happened but that stayed in the back of my mind, waiting to get to a safer place to be able to get out.

My mind is not broken; it's trying to get me scared so protect me and prepare me for things that... already happened. And my job now is to process it and let it know that it's ok now, I'm safe, and I did a good job studying to get my degree, and it was worth it. I'll start my hard-earned Master's soon, and that's also scary, but I can handle it. Whatever it brings me, I'll be able to take it; and if I can't, it's also fine to take a break and spend some time just enjoying life and myself.

The past is over. There's excess energy and feelings that I need to burn off from that time, now; but I can do it. I'm not sick, I'm not going crazy; just overwhelmed and in need of self-care from within.

Here's to sunnier days, and to knowing we are capable of doing incredible things, even if scared; just remember to smile to yourself in the mirror once in a while. You're doing a good job. 🥂✨

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⑥ TL;DR

I thought I was perfectly fine in the head for years, until it blew up on my face and I was on the edge of a heart attack for a month straight. Turns out I was fine physically (but please, if you feel that anything is wrong with you do some exams first to be sure), but my head decided that now that I'm on vacation it's finally time to burn off the excess trauma and throw me on the fire too for good measure.

See tips in the section above to prevent shit like this from happening to you, even if you think you're sane and mentally ok. Not to scare you, but maaaaaaybe you might be so caught up trying to cram for that exam next week that your body doesn't feel safe enough to show you all those all-nighters actually took a toll; and once it does feel safe, you may not be :)

TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH!!! I was fucking right with this post from November last year and I stand by it

Also, a special thank you to @brytning for her comics about anxiety; they made me feel seen and comforted throught it all, and her tips were so nice, too. You can check them out here.

[nyxscave]

Would u all like an update on health and mental health or should I keep this blog happy still

[nyxscave]

I've been focusing more on taking care of myself these days to fight off the burnout, so no study updates for now. On a 4 day workout-stretch-sun exposure-breathwork streak, and trying to stay offline and doing things more mindfully. It' hard to pay attention to my thoughts and talk nicely to myself, but I know it will pay off in the long run, and that it'll be easier with time (could be easier now, though! it's hard hard even though it's just... thinking. god.)

Made a bonfire to burn off some dry branches and old wooden boards, and played outside a little like a child. We also cooked sweet potatoes under the embers after, and they turned out so nice. And!!! Planted a few (more than fucking 20) seedlings from my big-tree so they hopefully turn into smaller-portable-trees for when I move out or something happens with the big one. It's my favorite, and it bears fruit right on my birthday every year :))

[nyxscave]

hi!! can you tell us more about your research!!

Hi there! ❤ My grad dissertation and current research/paper are about artificial neural networks for virus genotyping; basically, exploring a machine learning model for classifying different DNA/RNA sequences. In a practical example, training an AI model so it can predict which Covid variant a sequence corresponds to. I'm using other viruses, but that's the idea :) We first choose a pre-trained model, then finetune it to the specific virus we want to predict. The most boring (but also important) part is to create the dataset for the training/testing, but once that's done, we check how accurate the model is and compare it to different runs (our best one reaches 97% accuracy :D although it is slightly overfitted, I do think it was a good result for the data we have).

[nyxscave]

Went to the lab and installed my machine learning model with my ex-prof advisee again, because they formatted the machine a few weeks ago. Everything went smoothly (just the paths that uuuggghh they are the easiest part but also the worst), but I had to go earlier than planned because I wasn't feeling very well. But it's done, finally!

Tw for mental health crisis and related below the cut

Yesterday I did some exams and went to the doc; she suspects I have hyperthyroidism instead of anxiety, which does make sense, because it's been a month already and I still feel bad 24/7; I have to wait for the results next week, regardless.

I think that having someone hear my symptoms and take them seriously without mocking me or telling it's all in my head made me slightly overwhelmed, though. It's the first time in a good while I'm having such a prolonged health issues, mental or not, and it's scary. But because I act the same around people, they tell me "oh but you don't look sick" or, the best one yet: "if that kills you anyway, at least it doesn't look like it'll hurt, so you won't even know you died". I don't react much to those externally, but I do wish someone took me a bit more seriously. Anxiety or something else, I'm having real pain, one that I didn't used to have before, and it's scary. I'm dealing with it alone, taking initiative to go to the doctor and have my blood drawn alone, and it does take a toll.

I got home yesterday and started crying, not because the doc was horrible or the exams hurt, but just because I was having a bad day, to the point I locked myself in the shopping bathroom a few times just so I could sit still, breathe and see if my arrhythmia passed. The crying was met with anger, though, and "I know what that is, it's anxiety and it's my fault, all my fault" thrown at me. Maybe it is, maybe not; but the outburst and the screams and all the fighting that came afterwards made me hyperventilate so bad and for so long my muscles locked up. I couldn't move my hands at all and my arms and face were numb while I tried to just breathe and stop listening to the screaming.

It all lasted for an hour only. Almost coudn't eat dinner after and went to bed at 8. Slept for 12 hours.

Today everything is normal again. No fighting, no screaming. My shoulder/neck muscles are sore from the stress and woke up with my eyes looking like two golf balls. I still feel chest pain, I still don't know what's wrong, and I blame my own tears and weakness and overwhelm for causing whatever the fuck last night was, just like always. Because I know, by now, what reactions my reactions cause, and although I couldn't help my tears from falling and everything from blowing up, I can't help but wish they were met with kindness and a gentle hand on my shoulder, instead.

Whatever it is that I have, though, isn't life threatening or too serious, despite being annoying and scary. I'll update on the exam results next week.

[nyxscave]

My class/presentation went... well. It was good, I think; although I did leave the room kind of disappointed. I knew the content, the project; but I rushed into it too much, and not even bc of my anxiety!

My voice is the thing that fucked it up. I've always been proud of my voice bc I quite like my intonation and such; but after 10min presenting anything it's just... gone. I talked for 20, between sips of water and trying to breathe with my diaphragm; but I could feel it shaking and faltering. I don't know what's wrong with it; maybe that's something I need to discuss with a doctor, because it really affects my confidence and the overall quality of any presentation I do. I wish I explained everything in a better way, but I could feel that my voice wouldn't hold until the end, so I rushed. It's not even my mistake, I think; which makes it even worse, really.

My anxiety crisis didn't end after that, btw. I'm still feeling weird, and I'll do some exams on thuesday just to be sure, before scheduling a psychiatrist.

[nyxscave]

a fun lil catch up tag game! ❣️

ty sm for the tag @notesbyash!

the last song you sang aloud: ... Taste by Sabrina Carpenter. I KNOW. It's good ok sue me

your favourite crisp flavor: any that isn't bacon

the last book you opened: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, because I'm in the middle of an anxiety crisis and I feel like torturing my brain more by looking up mental health stuff at a time like this :)

earbuds, headphones, or nothing: one earbud 24/7, always in the right ear

the last place you went, other than home: my presentation/class, will talk about it in the next post

a color that looks good on you: always black bc I can't be bothered to look up color theory

the last trailer you saw: the next hsr patch (sobs)!!

tagging: @meowingbackatcats @lost-rxverie @chiimi-png @angiospleen @silverstarsecrets @lostlibrariangirl @puffycinnabunny

[nyxscave]

I'M DONE FUCK I'M DONE MY EYES ARE GOING TO FALL OFF I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN

Not going to bed until this presentation is so finished I can honestly say that I will NOT touch the slides or the speech again

[nyxscave]

Not going to bed until this presentation is so finished I can honestly say that I will NOT touch the slides or the speech again

[nyxscave]

Messages, emails, lack of replies for said time-sensitive emails, my wisdom teeth sutures that I had removed last week but apparently are still here, and a bracket from my braces that broke off again.

Cried for an hour after that. Felt like a baby throwing a tantrum after a bad night's sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

[nyxscave]

(Mint!!!! I use these for smoothies and tea, planted from a small frail branch a few months ago :))))

I worked for like, an hour today? But it really was satisfying and a step closer to being done with this presentation. Breaking the anxiety and procrastination cycle is so tough and it makes me feel weak-minded and dumb for not being able to just start doing things to the point I feel physical symptoms as consequence; but one step at a time. I won't give up.

More to come tomorrow 🫡

[nyxscave]

Revisited my dissertation slides and separated the structure into 3 parts. Redid the first and last slides, and decided that I'll work on the middle part tomorrow.

If I still have time after dinner, I'll plan that. I'll close the day around 9:30pm so I can sleep before 11pm. No overtime for my fried nerves tonight.