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oaimniynaug · 3 months

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Processing this Singapore trip, professionally and personally

January 20, 2024

For the first time in recent years, as I've reflected and shared, I don't necessarily have to make big life decisions or make big moves (e.g., being on the job market, packing and moving across different states). Professionally, that means more time and space to think and continue figuring out my priorities. Personally, that means making sense of my relationship with my parents and with Martin, and how the three of them relate to each other.

This is also a psychological dumping ground before I arrange for my therapy session.

Professionally

At least for 2024 (I don't want to think or project too far in advance), I am able to balance both my jobs at the university and the part-time, consulting one in Singapore. In fact, if my first proper teaching semester goes well, in terms of not being too busy and overwhelmed, I could negotiate for a higher compensation in exchange for a little more work related to organisational learning and professional development with the team, which I genuinely enjoy.

At the university, there's not much to worry about. Administratively, I am making a good start, establishing good relationships and slowly finding my place in the MSW programme. Academically, I know my projects and priorities, and along as I establish a good writing and data analysis routine for myself I don't have to worry at all about data collection and doing new projects - for the time being. In terms of teaching, there is a heavier load initially, but I'm not particularly fussed or challenged. Again, having some simple routine and getting familiar with it should be the constructive way forward.

At the Singapore job, my time in Singapore - and especially the retreat - has been energising, and structurally I also have much more clarity over my roles and responsibilities. I don't how long I will stay in this position beyond 2024, but I can do well with what I have and move from there.

At some point in the (near) future, with so much of my professional work based in and/or wound up in Singapore, I have to figure out my relationship with the country. What does Singapore mean to be? What does the US mean to me? And what will both countries mean to me in the future?

Personally

I am very, very secure in my relationship with Martin.

Socially and friendship-wise, I am also happy with my relationships and how I've approached them.

I suspect the biggest relationship(s) I'd have to figure out is the one with my parents. I suppose from a more naïve perspective, my expectation was that: (a) I've only let them in about my sexuality two years ago; (b) They've not made an extremely big fuss; (c) They were willing to engage somewhat in the topic over the phone, after a few moments; (d) They saw Martin for a week in Los Angeles, and it was very memorable for me/us; and (e) My/our trip back to Singapore was managed more fairly, and we had even planned an additional trip to Johor Bahru together (as well as a dinner together).

However, as I reflected, the Johor Bahru trip wasn't as pleasant as the Los Angeles one, and I think Martin is generally right about the hypotheses explaining my parents' (especially my mother's) apprehension and fears? I want to give my parents more time, though at the same time it's not fair to subject Martin through such awkwardness, even if we think ground one point five is progress nonetheless.

A few other things about my parents, but more about my mother, on the evening before I flew off. First, she pursued the notion of me giving them a monthly parental allowance ($500), to which I acquiesced. It's been a perennial, persistent topic she's brought up, even more so now that I have settled the NUS nonsense and have two jobs. And so it felt like something to get out of the way. Second, she seemed eager for me to be back as soon as possible, like back in Singapore in two years? I don't think she can fathom seeing me living away from Singapore for the longest term, and in that vein that's perhaps another expectation I have to manage, moving ahead. It's not that I would not like to be in Singapore for a stint, but even if that happens I want to be doing that on my/our terms, not theirs. Third, she seemed especially sentimental, saying that she'll miss me dearly and miss my hugs. I'm wondering if I'm reading too much into things, yet overall these are expressions she's always had (maybe with more intensity this time around).

The final interesting observation is that I've been telling my friends that, it feels like my parents are reaching the point of realisation that they ought to lead their best lives without me, or without centring me. The events involving Martin and my mother's seemingly emotional intervention makes me wonder: Are my observations of them accurate, or am I projecting what I hope they can do prematurely? What kind/type of relationship would I want with them? What is it that I truly desire and want? What is the steady state, or are we meant to lumber from year to year, situation to situation?

#gay #life

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oaimniynaug · 4 months

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"And now I think we're back to square 1.5"

January 5, 2024

In a way this should have been expected. I felt that things should not and cannot be that easy, especially in the context of asian parents.

I suspect the main difference is that they're in Singapore now, and so I'm "on their turf" so to speak. Versus in LA, they were comfortable with me since they were away from everyone they know.

I suppose the difficulty moving forward is to determine how we're going to navigate this. And it'll be hard to know until you glean more information from her.

Also another difficulty is that it seems your mom is neither hot nor cold, whereas my parents are just cold so it made my decision to cut off contact easier. Her lukewarm , neither here nor there attitude will make future engagement more complicated.

I think the awkward conversation she and I had at dinner really served to regulate my expectations

Like it was that moment when I realized that it was not going to be smooth sailing

And that your mom would inevitably find something to be displeased with in me and in our relationship together

It's important for us to hear her perspective and know how she feels. It's also better for us going forward, rather than just pretending that everything is going according to plan

And in a weird way, I appreciate your parents for having tried and going further than my parents ever did.

But it's disappointing that they might stagnate (or even regress) at this point indefinitely

I'm starting to realize that in life , you can hold many things to be true at the same time. And sometimes we have to in order to have a balanced perspective. It's hard for them for sure, but it's also hard for us and takes a mental toll.

#gay

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oaimniynaug · 5 months

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Resolutions: 2023 > 2024

Professional resolutions (2023)

Publications [0.75/1]: As always, I could be writing more, but I think I’m slowly establishing a foundation and system for writing.

Grant funding [1/1]: I got an internal DU grant!

Journal article reading [0.75/1]: I dropped off a little on this, halfway through the year, but I picked back up on this.

Regular reading [0.5/1]: I definitely did not do enough of this, this year.

Quantitative data analysis skills [0.5/1]: Similarly, I developed some additional competencies, but I’d like to create a more structured foundation and system over time.

Personal resolutions (2023)

Diet, exercise, and fitness [1/1]: There’s always room for improvement, but I’m actually really happy with this!

Diet [1/1]: Likewise, room for improvement, but I think I’ve done well on this.

Exercise [1/1]: And finally, this has also significantly improved.

Driving [1/1]: Done! Plus plenty of driving experience.

Relationships [1/1]: Again, happy and grateful for these.

Professionally, it’s 3.5/5, and personally, it’s 5/5. At 8.5/10 overall, it’s been a good year!

For 2024, I want to switch it up. Instead of quantifying and counting my professional and personal resolutions – because the 2023 ones offer a good baseline, complemented by a five-year plan I have, as well as the professional base I now have in both Singapore and the US – I will craft a 2024 month-by-month plan and update it every quarter.

#resolutions

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oaimniynaug · 6 months

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Sports

November 14, 2023

What would it mean to stop following and keeping track of sports? It's easy to celebrate during wins and gloat during the losses of others, but it can also be anxiety-inducing and a time-sink. Plus, it also feels like the time to move on.

#life

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oaimniynaug · 7 months

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A... sabbatical?

September 21, 2023

The start of my assistant professorship has been a strange one. They messed up my visa start date, meaning that I'm not able to teach my first course in the university, which - initially - created a lot of frustration and anxiety, because I had to ask my former employer to extend my contract so that my visa status did not lapse.

Yet, a week into my new stint, it has been a blessing. Personally, I realised back in July/August that I didn't have to spend that much time in the new city, and thus could spend more time with Martin. Professionally, now, having met with folks and scheduled to do a few more meetings, it seems like I've unexpectedly landed myself a semester-long sabbatical (i.e., no teaching required), freeing up time for the transition and settling in, research and writing, as well as preparing comfortably for the next semester (even with a three-course teaching load).

I'm excited to do a bunch of things:

Get some journal outlines going.

Wrap up (finally!) data collection for a bunch of projects, and get properly started with data analysis.

Plan what I could do in the short- and long-term.

Properly brush up my statistical analysis skills, and adding a few other relevant techniques to my repertoire.

Set myself up for success, within and beyond the tenure-track position.

#tenuretrack

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oaimniynaug · 9 months

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S$22,521.33

August 6, 2023

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oaimniynaug · 10 months

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A reset

June 29, 2023

So it's been about two days since my parents left for home, and I've been having a strange set of emotions. I think of it as a reset, because the past few weeks have been a mix of highs and lows (disproportionately more highs), and in reflecting I'm reminded of what a therapist used to say, in terms of thinking about things might work out (i.e., "What if everything works out?") rather than fixating upon problems and being anxious about those problems.

What do I mean?

Stressed about moving? Between Tuesday and Thursday, I sold 10 of the 14 big items. The remaining four will be picked up at a low fee tomorrow. I made some money, saved on junk removal, and am way ahead of schedule. I even have packing boxes and can move quite a number of items to my new place.

Stressed about my parents? Towards the end of their trip, I told them that I was not going to continue with NUS and that I will be staying in the US for some time. The trip went so, so well, that I was really missing them on the drive back home too.

Stressed about the phone? I broke the phone last Sunday. I made the order on Monday and Tuesday, and from Wednesday to Sunday it was about settling the orders and getting a refund. I got the phone on Friday, the refund on Tuesday, and now it's no longer an issue.

(There was also a minor annoyance about Amazon not delivering my phone case, supposedly on Sunday. Customer service took some time, but I'll get it today).

Stressed about a ridiculously high charge for an ECG? I have enough in my health savings account. I got an email confirmation of being misinformed. Now I can make interest-free monthly payments while the appeal/complaint moves ahead.

And now, after tomorrow (Friday), I have a full week in Denver to work and get back on track professionally, and two-and-a-half weeks in Lexington thereafter to continue hustling and work. That's good for me.

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oaimniynaug · 10 months

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iPhone fiasco, finances, white hair, moving stress, holiday fatigue, and keeping my anxieties in check

June 22, 2023

Things happen for a reason, but I’m inclined to think that the trip was going very well. Maybe too well. Martin and I had such a great time with my parents in Los Angeles. My mom, who can be picky, absolutely loved San Diego. And despite the brutal heat the first half of the Vegas trip - including the spectacular Grand Canyon visit (and one-hour Lyft ride) - was a lot of fun.

On Sunday evening, at the gym, just before a magic show, I accidentally slammed a bicep counterweight on my iPhone, denting and cracking and ruining it. The frustrating thing was that I was already done with my run, I was going to get hot water for my mom at the water dispenser (which has been elusive in Vegas; that is, free hot water or a kettle), and for some inexplicable reason not only did I decide to do some stupid bicep curls which I did not need, and placed my phone at an edge - which I never do - on a metal part of the machine.

I could’ve just gone up to the room, got the hot water downstairs, and all would’ve been well. I could’ve spared myself the psychological anxiety and financial stress that was coming. Even now I keep staring at the damaged phone hoping I could reverse my silly decision or have it magically be OK, but obviously that’s ridiculous. Rationally my mind registers that, yet emotionally it’s so, so hard to forgive myself and be reasonable about how accidents happen, even stupid ones like me.

I’ve been so high-strung because the *resolution* has been so exhausting. I say resolution with caution, since I’ve had so much bad luck and misfortune within the past 24-hour period, and there’s still a chance things might not work out.

My phone is over 2.5 years old. It’s no longer under Apple’s coverage.

The phone is not just cracked. It’s broken. It has no trade-in value.

I’m on a prepaid plan, and if I change to a postpaid one for a fixed period I could maybe get a free phone. I have a long chat with Verizon and it’s clear that most mobile carriers are sneaky. I pay about $400 a year just for my mobile plan (about $33 a month). If I switched to get a “free phone” I would have to pay $80 a month over 36 months. With that monthly difference, that would mean paying $1,800 for a new iPhone, which is silly.

I mix up the show timings. Doing Verizon and blind searches have taken over an hour. I thought we had until 7.30pm but the show starts at 7pm. It’s 6.55pm when we scramble downstairs, when I realised that my tickets are on my phone. I email them, but Ticketmaster needs a login and mobile verification, which I can’t do on my ruined phone. I have to scramble upstairs, get the email on my laptop, get the tickets on my dad’s phone, and we make it at 7.15pm, just as the live portion was starting.

The show was good, yet my mind was someplace else.

Dad had maybe purchased a protection plan for our phones, but the IDs don’t match. If it had worked I could’ve used my old phone which Martin could mail me and have them get a new one to eventually mail over. Alas, it was for another phone. It did cause a momentary rift with my mom cause he had kept that phone and its sale a secret.

I have a breakthrough after I excused myself halfway through a quick dinner. Mint Mobile has a great deal! It’s $819 for a new phone and a year of phone service, so I’m paying just $419 for a new iPhone 13, which is a small upgrade (or at least I’m getting a similar replacement).

I’m gonna pay for it, before realising that Colorado has hefty sales taxes. It’s about $100 more… Martin has a great idea that my new address in Delaware, which has no sales taxes, could be an option. It comes to $838-ish instead of $910-ish. We change my address on the app, it doesn’t work. I realised we had to call the card company. It was already too late. I go to bed upset.

(Martin, patient and sweet as ever, wired me $120. Perhaps I should’ve been less of a cheapskate and used the sum he gave me to complete the transaction there and then.)

I wake up at 7am, clearing most of my emails. It’s failed transaction after failed transaction. Never mind that. I call the credit card company, who was very fast in helping me lift the fraud protection after swiftly changing my address. Still, the payment method is always declined. So close, yet so far.

It’s two or three hours of non-stop calls to Mint Mobile, while I try to chat someone on their website. Still nothing. We have to check out. I have to install Lyft on my dad’s phone. The Internet is slow. I’m making no progress. I pack my things and try to put on a brave face but I’m upset. Really upset. Martin listens to my rants. With my parents, sometimes I feel OK, sometimes not. I feel bad for handicapping us on this leg of the trip and being a bummer.

We get to the new hotel, check in, leave our bags, get to the shopping area. No issue besides a long wait. At Shake Shack, I have a small appetite and while they eat I try more ways. Using different browsers, clearing caches, using my mom’s phone, yet with the same credit card payment. I do try to use my own PayPal - giving my dad my Singapore SIM card to get texts and verifications - but to no avail. It’s stuck in Singapore mode and I can’t change it to use in the US. More dead-ends.

I must’ve attempted the same payment over three or four dozen times. After lunch, as they shop, I call Mint Mobile because the chat was done. Over the 30 minutes, I’m sure the operator was well-meaning, yet with the noise and hustle and bustle and me having to use my laptop like a phone it was a hopeless endeavour of me trying to spell and correct my name, address, and details, for her to run into the same payment problem to no avail. I was hot, bothered, and frustrated outdoors. I hang up in exasperation it was not my proudest moment.

I ask Martin to create PayPal and try that. It works! This was the second breakthrough, the first since last night. It’s all done, I log off to join my parents, and for the next hour at Under Armour as I shopped with my parents I was oblivious to my plight.

Poor Martin, who had dinner plans. For the next hour, he dealt with two “successful” orders which were later cancelled. He experienced the same ordeal of having to call Mint Mobile and left in exasperation, for his third attempt was also not successful.

At Under Armour, I knew my parents needed much more time. I plonked down, checked Martin’s orders, and realised the billing zip codes were incorrect. I try remedying it while having a chat going again, and likewise I see the same dreaded error message.

Finally, I try one order where my billing and shipping address are the same, in Wilmington. PayPal. All details the same. And it works, no cancellation! You’d consider this the third breakthrough, for what should be an easy task. This has taken almost 24 hours.

I’m connected to chat, my parents have left the Under Armour store, but I need to get this done. I remain seated for the next 30-45 minutes by the shoe area, like a weirdo on my laptop, pleading with the chat agent to let me change my shipping address. Initially, it’s a no, I have to do a refund and cancel and make a new order. What followed was me begging and pleading and hoping that they and their supervisor would see my many attempts and be gracious in allowing me to make the change.

Whether this will be the fourth and final breakthrough remains to be seen. The same chat agent said yes, their tech guys would help reroute. When I came back to the hotel room after dinner I dialled another chat agent, and their too said it seemed like the change would be processed.

Not a breakthrough, because in the morning they said the request was denied. But moments later I complete an order with all the right information. There is initially a fraud hold still, but with the day progressing it becomes clear that it is no longer an issue. I cancel my wrong order and keep my fingers crossed.

I speak to a supervisor via text and another on the phone. They confirm that there is no more issue with the payment and the order.

Wednesday morning, the order is both confirmed and a tracking number is provided, thus indicating final confirmation. The phone will come on Friday.

Phew.

(At an updated time, the old order wasn’t cancelled properly, and so it’s going to be shipped to Wilmington, DE. I’m still getting mixed messages from Mint Mobile, as always, so let’s see…)

I love journaling, especially during hard times (I know this silly incident and the ensuing problems pale in comparison to actual hardships), and now I’m reminded of self-compassion strategies. Here’s a summary:

Mindfulness (how did you feel?): Shocked, numb, angry at myself, frustrated at Mint Mobile, tired with the entire process.

A sense of common humanity (how the experience was part of being human?): Breaking or smashing a phone isn’t that uncommon. I’ve owned one for decades and it’s the first time something like this has happened. Furthermore, I’ve owned this phone for close to 2.5 years. Other folks change their phones at a much regular clip.

Kindness (write kind, understanding words): I found Mint Mobile, which has terrible customer service but offers a good deal. It’s still a slight phone upgrade for about $400! I save on rent in July. I was very emotional on the first two-three days, and now I can wait on Mint Mobile on hold while working on my stuff. I’ve been able to bring my parents around still, even with this fiasco!

A lot of the stress from this iPhone fiasco probably relates to many present and future issues at hand:

Finances: I have to pay NUS a lump sum in liquidated damages, and while I am mentally prepared for that unexpected expenses can trigger worry. I have moving expenses and higher compensation to expect but those don’t always feature right away.

White hair: My mom and Martin have been noticing my sudden explosion of white hair, which I recognise to be pretty severe, haha. It’s not scientific, yet I’m sure me being stressed and high-strung is an important factor. I said to Martin that it’s not quite on par but the iPhone fiasco was the most stress I felt since that unfortunate job market stint last year.

Moving stress: This was always in the background. I’m complicating it because I’d like to sell most of my furniture for some extra cash, though the backup is to engage a disposal company. I also have to do some packing and ship maybe 5-8 boxes over, so I need to find a reasonable shipping company.

Holiday fatigue: I’ve been away from home or Denver for weeks, and while the holiday has been fantastic I do feel a little fatigued and would like to get back to work. I haven’t done as much work on vacation even though I did do some work in advance, so that my holiday wasn’t felt by others necessarily.

Keeping my anxieties in check: This is easier to do now, with the phone settled, us being in Denver, and me having a little more control. However, I appreciate being reminded about self-compassion and working through my anxieties step by step.

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oaimniynaug · 11 months

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Sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit (Small sustained efforts will amount to a big win)

June 19, 2023

Two or three weeks before my parents were due to visit the US, I was not very excited at all. In fact, there were occasional flashes of dread and anxiety. The primary concern was Martin spending the first week with my parents - in the same Airbnb - in Los Angeles, and Martin raised the legitimate concern that they had yet to meet each other, including last December in Singapore. The both of us had spoken briefly about the visit a few times, and after a reminder from a friend I was explicit to Martin that no matter what happened I would choose and prioritise him, but even so the butterflies only multiplied.

Before the parents’ visit, two (and a half, because there was some build-up involved in the second) things did help a little:

(1) We didn’t end up watching the film, though Martin was trying to get us to watch one about a gay couple, one of whom died young after an unfortunate illness. I read the film synopsis before bed, and something haunting about death and the inexplicable nature of our short/long lives made me fret less. Its been six years since I came to terms with my sexuality, five with Martin, and almost a year and a half since I let my parents in.

(2) A few weeks before the visit, Martin suggested having a phone call with my parents, since they had yet to even meet. I was partly apprehensive, maybe because I felt my parents weren’t going to be rude and that it felt like a hassle. In retrospect, I’m glad he pushed me. Two weeks before, towards the end of our weekly phone call, I mentioned that Martin will join the call next week.

A week before, we were set for the call at 8pm. Martin was nervous the entire day, and it was compounded by my parents’ tardiness. It felt like forever before the call at 8.35pm or 8.40pm - because Martin was worried that my parents had bailed or were deliberately making it difficult - but when we started the call and as Martin got going, it was… Good? My mom, who can be truculent or aloof if she wanted to, sincerely asked Martin a bunch of questions and engaged in Cantonese. Even my dad, who is very quiet, chimed in once or twice. That really, really helped.

(Separately, but relatedly, Martin has a bunch of unfortunate indirect and direct run-ins with his parents, who refused to meet with us in Los Angeles. Comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s so important to stress that just as I don’t necessarily deserve the credit for my parents’ small progressive steps, Martin is definitely not to blame for his parents’ stubbornness and them being unreasonable.)

During the trip, my goodness, everything went right for all of us relationally. I don’t want to evaluate or predict or be too optimistic, though I want to capture all the moments which stood out:

Martin coming on the trip, leading the driving, guiding my driving, and being so brilliantly skilled at LAX. Being picked up is a pleasure and my parents barely waited.

My mom showering Martin with little snacks and drinks when I drove us back to the Airbnb, and the Airbnb being comfortable for us.

Martin offering to pay for dinner on the first night and a few of our later meals together.

My parents making breakfast and supper and preparing fruits for us every day.

Martin doing most of the driving and guiding and encouraging me when I was driving.

Martin and my mom having a very long and pleasant extended conversation into the night on Friday evening, and me and my dad similarly engaging and chiming in.

Martin suggesting a nice trip to the Arboretum, where we took a long stroll together and where they had further conversations.

Us agreeing to do a Disneyland trip, which - even without the fireworks at the end of the day because of unfortunate rain - was easily the highlight of the trip. We traipsed around, took so many rides together, shared photographs, had meals and snacks together, and just had a blast. I too was able to pay for my parents’ tickets. I told Martin that when my dad offered to take a wefie of all four of us at the beginning of the “It’s a Small World” ride, I was on the verge of happy tears.

Mom and dad giving Martin a hug when he dropped us off at the bus depot to San Diego.

Mom still making references to Martin and his eccentricities (e.g., not eating potatoes as an American, not looking like a PhD or professor, and asking the poor server in Disneyland if the lobster rolls actually had real lobster in them) even when we were in San Diego and are in Las Vegas.

Life can surprise you pleasantly in so many ways, and I’m sure I’ll be looking back fondly for a very long time.

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oaimniynaug · 1 year

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Resolutions: 2022 > 2023

Professional resolutions (2022)

Publications [0.5/1]: Not quite there, in terms of having a steady stream, but I’ve progressed from 2 to 4 published and from 1 to 5 R&R (with 3-5 under review).

Job market [1/1]: I’m done! I have an upcoming job as an assistant professor!

Podcast [1/1]: I’m done too! I’ve published in the episodes, presented on episodes and papers, and have a good idea of my 2023 plans.

Junior scholars community [1/1]: This is done too, even though there is room for improvement with increasing proactive participation.

Personal resolutions (2022)

Letting my parents in [1/1]: I did this days after setting my 2022 resolutions. Still work to be done, a lot from their end, but no more hiding.

The future with Martin [1/1]: I proposed, we’re engaged, he’s in Singapore visiting, and we have many years and decades ahead to figure things out.

Diet and fitness [0/1]: Absolute disaster. Many factors to blame but fundamentally I need to regulate my food intake and exercise much more regularly.

Asian baking and cooking [1/1]: Not quite the baking bit, but definitely cooked actively across the spectrum.

Driving [0/1]: Not done.

So out of 9, I did 6.5/9. Did a lot professionally and major personal milestones, yet still more to be done in 2023.

Professional resolutions (2023)

Publications: No more counting. Instead, I should have, under review (minimally), all outstanding drafts and remaining papers of earlier projects. Papers for my two main projects should be drafted too.

Grant funding: I’d like to secure an internal or external grant.

Journal article reading: Keep up with 3 articles a week (150 altogether).

Regular reading: Keep up with a book a week (50 altogether).

Quantitative data analysis skills: Basic competencies in: (a) R (cross-checked with Stata); (b) Mplus; (c) SEM; (d) Measurement invariance; (e) APIM.

Personal resolutions (2023)

Diet, exercise, and fitness: I’ve let myself go in the past few weeks and months (I’m reminded of the NS period after I dislocated my shoulder). I want my overall fitness to improve and have that sustained.

Diet: I will cook more greens (since packaged salads are not as popular), play around with oats, fruits, smoothies, and salad combinations, and eat less meat.

Exercise: 6 days of exercise a week, with a mix of running and basic weights. The current routine is OK, so I just need to maintain my regularity.

Driving: I will get a US licence.

Relationships: I will maintain my relationship with Martin, improve my relationships with my parents, and also hold my friends close.

#gay #PhD #resolutions

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oaimniynaug · 1 year

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Small wins at NCFR

November 18, 2022

Some networking things I would've never done in the past, I did at the conference, and for which I am very proud.

Approaching and chatting and making good small talk with the search committee chair of a position for which I am applying.

Going up to a speaker after his session, at the reception, to share my questions and to let him know too that I applied for a position at this school.

Chatting very briefly with another position/school for which I applied, and then finding out about another position/school at the reception.

At a section meeting, I also connected with other members with similar interests, shared my own research and work, and even met a fellow Singaporean (including breakfast this morning!)

#jobmarket

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oaimniynaug · 1 year

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CSWE was emotional nourishment

November 16, 2022

Early last week was rough, because for a moment on Monday I was staring down the barrel of two post-interview rejections (i.e., no job talks), with the first (M S U) being a 12-hour rejection and the second (U of K) for which I had high hopes. Both interviews felt great, which only compounded the disappointment.

I had to teach after the very disappointing email, and sitting in the office I didn’t feel like going to CSWE, because I didn’t know if I could manage the feelings of shame and humiliation - all unnecessary and unjustified, I know - when meeting with friends and colleagues who were getting multiple interviews alongside new announcements of job talks.

(I would say that my fortunes have turned considerably since last Monday, with new job postings which align better with my research. I also have four more interviews scheduled - U of D, F I U, O S U, and P S - so the rejections have stung a lot less. I also know interviews are but the first step and that many more rejections are in the horizon, but I’m learning to better manage the process. Not quite there yet, of course.)

Be that as it may, going to CSWE was absolutely the right decision. I want to systematically document the emotional nourishment through the many experiences and interactions.

Melanie and her mom housed and fed me for four days and four nights. Melanie drove us back and forth the conference, picked me up at the airport, and later dropped me off.

Javier and Melanie spent so much time on the first conference day easing my anxieties and boosting my confidence. They were so sensitive and empathetic and never made me feel inadequate.

I finally met face-to-face with work/journal team members I had only met online. Not only did we have a good dinner, we had an even better informal chat after.

Melanie introduced me to two new friends, Lea and Carla, one of whom (Carla) I chatted with for a long time about personal and professional reflections. She was easily the highlight of the conference, because I never expected to share so much about my partner and the upcoming trip to Singapore.

There were so many Luskin folks! So many! Which made me realise that because I never had a proper graduation I’ve not seen so many of them for such a long time. Michele and I talked at length, including over an enjoyable group lunch, and I saw so, so many coworkers.

Even my former department chair, whom I thought would’ve forgotten about me and couldn’t care less, reached out briefly and encouraged me on the job market.

Jenn, as always, lent her listening ear during dinner and gave me the usual confidence boost. That was lovely.

My solo presentation on Saturday was attended by 30-40 people! Normally sessions drew near-empty crowds, but folks were engaged, asked great questions, and I had fantastic engagement on Twitter thereafter.

During lunch, after the presentation, my old and new friends were so effusive and made me acknowledge that I was not keen to give myself credit, even though I may have done a good job. I was almost in tears (though I may have been tired, haha), but it made me feel like I belonged.

And on Sunday, knowing that I had a busy busy week ahead, I was able to do some mundane work and decompress. I left for Denver feeling recharged and re-energised.

Honestly, what more could one ask for?

#jobmarket

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oaimniynaug · 1 year

Text

Soul-crushing

November 8, 2022

#jobmarket

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oaimniynaug · 1 year

Text

Taking stock

November 5, 2022

It’s the two-month mark of my tenure-track job application process, and thus far the experience has been primarily characterised by anxiety, disappointment, and impatience (or too much waiting). It’s still (very) early, but the main exacerbating factor has been me going into the process with unrealistically high expectations.

(Also wrapped up in this has been the perennial phenomenon of me looking to the progress and success of others, both in DU and UCLA. Which is why not checking the jobs wiki page has been helpful for my mental health.)

And so the ongoing experience has run very contrary to those initial expectations. I’ve had more than a handful of immediate rejections. The first job interview ended with a rejection barely 12 hours later. The second position, I think, is scheduling or has scheduled job talks, but there’s been no word and the wait has been agonising. The worst thing is that I thought both interviews went great, and yet the results - as of now - have not reflected that perception.

I must say that my mentors - especially Jenn - have been exceptionally generous and kind. It’s also the case that there is still plenty of time left in the process: A couple of good-fitting jobs were just posted, friends and colleagues got jobs later in the process (May or June 2022, towards the end of the academic year), and ultimately I’m still waiting on more than a dozen positions where I’ve not received a straight rejection (plus applying for more too). Moreover, I understand my structural disadvantages or lack of appeal to the US schools: I don’t have an MSW or adequate practice experience, I’m not a US citizen or PR, and I don’t do US-based research. My job application documents probably need work too. But again, the current reality runs counter to my past expectations and it’s been a very tough pill to swallow.

Journaling here is a start. I’ve also started the search for a therapist, because even though my advisors - as mentioned - and Martin have been phenomenal, I believe I’ll benefit from talking to someone else and also learning some coping mechanisms, especially in relation to persisting with the process despite the setbacks, exercising patience while managing my anxiety, as well as figuring out how to keep some balance while moving ahead with the next few months of applications, waiting, and rejections.

I’ve been better and I’ll get better!

#jobmarket

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