omghowfun-blog - Tumblr blog

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How fun... is remembering I have this space to write

So I’d totally forgotten about this page! This is such a relief to have remembered this!

Life has been an absolute whirlwind over the past 4 months! I was in Europe for two months and then came straight back into uni. The guy I was seeing told me he didn’t want to see me anymore but then we made up and we are now totally 100% in love and it is wonderful. He makes me happy. Work has been a bit flat, if I’m honest. I’m not in a great headspace at the moment. I am complaining too much about things, the voice in my head is not all that positive. I’m not sad or anything but just not looking at life through a grateful lens like I have previously. I have so much happening at the moment with work, boyfriend, family, uni that when I have time to myself I’m thinking about what uni work I should be finishing instead of taking time to enjoy the moment.

Uni is hectic right now. Or maybe it’s not and I am exaggerating as an excuse to cover up the fact that I’m not doing anything. I realised today that I create excuses for myself to not do work or to not put in more effort, or to excuse the fact that I’ve lacked effort in the past.

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how fun... are fucking shit days

So yesterday was a shit day. Just really really really really shit. Those things that ordinarily youd be able to handle but it all just comes as a flood and you break a little? That was yesterday for me.

I want my brother and his partner to stop fighting with each other and in front of their kids. The kids don’t deserve that. They really don’t. I don’t know what to do, I just give the kids love and as much happiness as I can. They have said that mum and dad swear a lot and they look scared when they tell us.. I don’t know how to help. I feel like everything just goes in one ear and out the other with my brother and nothing sticks even if they do listen. We’re just going round and round in circles with them and it’s so hard to know how to help. They have financial difficulty but my brother doesn’t want to know about it and so his partner does literally everything for that household and that’s slowly wearing her down. She does the finances, everything for the kids and the dogs, all the cleaning and cooking and all my brother does is go to and comes home from work 6 days a week and then on Sunday lays in bed all day. It’s fucked.

Uni has been stressing me out. I almost failed and assignment which has NEVER happened to me before. I had put a lot of effort into it and I think that’s hat crushed me the most- I’d actually tried really hard to get it right and it was still wrong. But from what I can see the same thing happened to a lot of people in the course, there was a lot of confusion as to what was expected from the tutors and what was interpreted by us students. The same thing is happening with the second assignment for the same course, there is so much confusion and it’s just getting really frustrating. I also have an exam on Tuesday so I need to get some study done for that and prepare well. I seriously hope I pass, I don’t know how I’ll feel if I don’t.

Lastly, I’m still seeing the same guy that I’ve talked about in my previous posts. I saw him last night and I really shouldn’t have. I was in such a terrible mood and just wanted to have a massive cry but I was holding my tears back the whole night and it brought the whole mood of the night down. I don’t think he was in the best of moods either cause he was being a bit shitty as well. Not a great combination tbh. I also kinda think I might be having second thoughts about him... I feel awful for saying it. Idk, it was probably just last night but I will keep it in mind to see if these are reoccurring feelings, if his shitty actions of last night continue or if it was a once off.

Ughh, I think that may be it. Life just hit me for 6 yesterday, it was fucked. I’ve picked myself up and am getting on with it

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how fun... is europe and boys and feelings and work and uni

So my life hasn’t been crazy busy but I feel like a lot has happened. 

This past week I started and finished an Accounting report that’s worth 30% of my grade, I still don’t really know how I got it all done. But it is.

I’ve hung out with the guy I’ve been seeing 4 times in the last week and a half. It may not seem like a lot but I don’t let people in. I haven’t let anyone in like this for nearly 3 years. I do like him. I feel like he will challenge me and keep me on my toes. But I want to know more about him and really get to his truth, really ask him about his life, his fears, his goals, his past, why he would usually go head first into a relationship, what he is nervous about with me, what else does he want to know about me.

I want to be open and raw with him, be truthful always, don’t shy away from what I’m feeling.

“Don’t tell them it’s okay when you know it’s not. Don’t let your feelings fade into the darkness. Don’t let you voice go silent. Let them know what’s in your heart. Let them know how beautiful it is to be understood. How beautiful it is to have someone you can trust - to speak to about anything. Be open. Share what’s on you mind. And never go quietly into the dark. People will always appreciate you for your honesty, and love you for what you carry within your heart.”

- R. M. Drake

I want to keep seeing him but I need to know more about who he is, and have unsafe, personal conversations.

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I also leave for Europe in 5 and a half weeks! Woo! Over the past 3 years I have been overseas twice, to Europe and then to work in Canada, and I can honestly say this is the first time I am 100% excited and ready to go. I am ready to explore, to take in the places that I am going to, to appreciate the beauty of other towns on this earth and to marvel at the natural beauty of diverse landscapes. I am ready to travel alone, to truly be by myself and learn about another culture, to appreciate the tourism of other countries.

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how fun... is not knowing what you want?

So I’m still seeing this guy. Only I don’t know is I do still like him. Ugh. 

He’s so nice and wonderful, but right now I don’t feel a connection to him. I’m trying to shake the thoughts that he’s not right for me but I can’t. I don’t know what to do.

I’m hanging out with him on Sunday and will see how that goes. It makes me sad because this is exactly what I thought I wanted for so long. I thought I was ready to start something new, but now I really don’t know.

Perhaps I’m scared he’ll hurt me, perhaps I don’t want to hurt him. Maybe I’ve gotten used to being by myself, maybe I’m not finished being single. 

I don’t want to drag him along but I’ve also been honest with him about my reservations to relationships. He knows I’m reluctant to start anything too quickly. 

This confusion could also genuinely be because I’m about to get my period. So idk. I’ll see how my emotions are going in a weeks time.

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how fun... is falling for someone

He’s breaking down my walls.

He’s making me genuinely enjoy his company.

I want to know more about him.

I want to keep listening to his stories.

I want to make him laugh.

He’s making it too easy for me to like him.

I am so vulnerable. I have not felt this way about someone in over 3 years and it’s confronting. Unbelievably amazing, but confronting. 

I want to be a better version of myself to be able to tell him that I’m achieving. I know this is dangerous, because he could turn around and walk away... but I’m ready for that. 

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”

- Roald Dahl

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People need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want.

Paulo Coelho

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One day it just clicks. You realise what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less and less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realise how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were in such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.

Unknown

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how fun... is realising that you want to grow

I am stuck. I am stuck and uncomfortable and I know that this is the universe telling me I need to move. 

I am reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and there is a paragraph that is resonating with me. The boy goes to work for an old crystal merchant who’s life has remained unchanged for a very long time. The boy implements changes within the shop that sees an influx of new customers and growing revenue for the merchant. Upon reflecting on the boy’s time at the shop, the merchant says:

“…every blessing ignored becomes a curse. I don't want anything else in life. But you are forcing me to look at wealth and at horizons that I have never known. Now that I have seen them, and now that I see how immense my possibilities are, I'm going to feel worse than I did before you arrived. Because I know the things I should be able to accomplish, and I don't want to do so.”

The crystal merchant is saying that if we ignore the blessings and opportunities that come our way we will dwell on them and reflect with regret. He has seen what his life could have been like if he had continued to move forward and try new things in his crystal shop. 

“I know the things I should be able to accomplish, and I don’t wish to do so.” This line hit me. I have been stuck knowing what I could accomplish but only putting in 70%, only taking half assed risks but still knowing where I would be heading. 

I need to get out of my own head. People aren’t paying nearly as much attention to me as what I think they do; they’re too focused on their own shit.

Let’s get scared. Let’s change. Let’s be different. Let’s grow.

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how fun... is making yourself proud

I guess I’ve been battling with who I used to be as a student back when I was in school vs who I am currently as a university student at 24. In school I was so focused, very diligent with my homework, completing everything to the best of my ability and giving everything a go. Now, as a uni student, I find it hard to motivate myself to complete things to the best of my ability and have adopted a “this will do, at least it’s a pass” kind of attitude towards my work. 

But I’ve just submitted an essay with more of a “this is closer to best” vibe. I’m not going to kid myself, it was not my best. However, I am proud of 70% of it. I am proud that I sat down and completed it the way I did. I am proud of the content of it. I think it is worth a credit, perhaps even a distinction, but only time will tell. Regardless, I am happy with what I have put forward.

Now to dominate my accounting and business law courses. I’ve got this!

[omghowfun-blog]

You're not stuck. You're just committed to certain patterns of behaviour because they helped you in the past. Now those behaviours have become more harmful than helpful. The reason why you can't move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result.

Emily Maroutian

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How fun.. was my day

So I thought each of these personal blogs were going to have a more specific subject matte than what happened in my day but ah well, here we are.

What made today so cool?

- Found an old school banger of a playlist yesterday that I listened to on the bus to uni this morning. David Guetta, Basshunter, Ke$ha, Taio Cruz, Jason Derulo, Calvin Harris, 3OH!3, Mike Posner, Timbaland, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake... and so many more from my high school days. It made me feel so happy

- I knuckled down and completed my essay. All I need to do is read over it and refine/ edit some parts and I will be done! I have a sense of achievement, and am proud of 70% of it. I know there are parts that are not up to scratch and I will refine these over the coming days. I know that this is the feeling I want to continue to give myself. This sense of pride and achievement knowing I’ve made something really great by putting in some extra effort.

- I’ve been on a few dates with this one guy. He’s really quite wonderful and I don’t know how I feel about developing deeper feelings for him. Anyway, so today we just messaged throughout the day, and it just made me happy. Nothing to special, just normal messages asking how each others day is going. We’re slowly understanding each others personalities more, and each others sense of humour; which really helps text conversations flow better. He’s a really nice person and has such a giving nature. I haven’t let myself develop feelings for anyone in almost 3 years- truth be told, there hasn’t actually been anyone who I’ve wanted to develop feelings for. But this guy has surprised me a little. He’s very open to talk about feelings and wants to know where my heads at with our dating situation and has brought up that he’s wary of the fact that I’m going overseas in 10 weeks so doesn’t want to start a relationship before then. I appreciate his openness and honesty because I am not one to bring up those kinds of subjects, I don’t like confronting people with questions like that at all but am happy to answer them honestly and speak openly about them. So we’ll see how it all goes but right now I am pretty content.

- My nephew was over and was so excited to see me and he was in such a wonderful and cute mood. He was adorable!

- Had trivia night at the local pub tonight. It was wonderful, so much fun. We came second and won a $20.00 voucher!

All in all it was a wonderful day.

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Everyone wants a strong woman until she actually stands up,  flexes her muscles, projects her voice Suddenly, she is too much.  She has forgotten her place. You love those women  as ideas, as fantasies Not as breathing, living humans threatening to be even better than you could ever be

ari eastman (via quotethat)

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You deserve a wild love from a gentle soul.

Unknown (via quotethat)

I’ve found a gentle soul.

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How fun.. is creating a new space for your thoughts

This is my new space.

I’ve found lately that I need somewhere to get all of my thoughts out onto a physical space. I would usually keep a handwritten journal, but with that I can never write as fast as i need to and with this I get to create a page and a space that is uniquely mine.

With me I have a hard time taking the leap. Being the person to put myself out there. Be a leader. Make mistakes. I have an ever present fear of looking foolish or wrong and so that prevents me from starting in the first place. 

This is really getting me down and whenever I’m faced with an opportunity to be the one to take the first leap, I always have an internal fight. There is always a part of me that stays back in the comfort of what I know, instead of embracing the new. 

I am setting myself a challenge: over the next two weeks, at every opportunity I get to step outside of my comfort zone, I will do it. 

At uni, if there is an question that needs answering, I will do it.

If there are jobs at work that require a leader, I will do it.

I find comfort in having a quiet night in and not doing the uni work that is required of me. I will get uncomfortable. 

I am not proud of my work ethic at uni. I do not take pride in my work. I do not ever work to my 100% best. I know that I am better than where I am now. I know I am. I am not paying tuition fees just to scrape by with minimal knowledge. I am not spending my time alive to half-ass an essay.

I will not half ass my uni degree, nor will I half ass my life.

This is my time on this earth. I am alive and I am going to make myself proud. I will work to my own best.

“Hard work is a two way street. You get back exactly what you put in.”

This blog is to keep me accountable.

Things to achieve in the next 8 weeks:

- Step out of my comfort zone

- Be my own best