otherwisepurple1403

[otherwisepurple1403]

You know, the thing I hate most about myself is not just that I make promises to people that I cant keep but rather that I make promises to myself that I cant keep either.

I started off my day so happily coz it felt like any other day while I was still making steady progress and then I become lazy thinking that if its so easy right now I'm sure ill finish the rest of it in no time.

Its an endless cycle... i work hard, im happy, im overconfident, i waste time, i hate myself for wasting time and realize i could hv done this earlier, i waste more time doing useless shit, i cry and then i get a little bit of motivation to get me going, i study, i do just avg or smtimes a little above avg and i becomes overconfident that im good at last minute studies but the truth is that i barely survive every time and die inside a little every time i hear that ppl hv finished the portion and that unlike them i was wasting my time. and then on top of that my parents keep bringing up how bad my condition was in an effort to motivate me but i just get reminded of every thing again, and i keep getting the motivation to be better but not the motivation to actually do it.

and then im reminded that im just making excuses but then i make the excuse that i cant do anything abt it but i really cant and theres this feelign of self-hopelessness that even i cant solve. i dont wanna be just avg with last minute i wanna hv good grades with proper preparation. and with the stream im pursuing later i might actually die

no heres the thing i dont wanna hv a phone its like me not wanting to like ###### coz i know its bad for me but im attached its not an addiction.. maybe it is its not an addiction, in the sense that i dont want it but because i hv it anyways i might as well just use it but the thing is that once i start using it i get trapped and i forget EVERYTHING the motivation to want to be better ? gone

not gone actually just forgotten temporarily stored at the back of my mind and then once i get off whatever is distracting me i realize the time i wasted like a month later, when exams r starting tmrw and im far behind and i wish i never had a phone but i dont want it to be taken away becuz now that i hv it i cant imagine my life without it and if i dont hv it while others do ill feel left out and ill want a phone even if i didnt want it just a while ago.

its not just insta and social meda its literally everything i will get hooked on the tiniest source of dopamine if it means i get to avoid smth i hate and i dont hate studying, i just hate the start of it , getting in the flow its so hard (thats what she said) the reality keeps leaving my mind when im thinking its so easy to forget i hv an exam tmrw. every second of the day, i hv to be reminded, otherwise i just forget. ill manage i know i will but i still hate myself for this confidence

Just Start im not a car i cant just start even a car needs a spark plug to make an explosion and push it forward but without fuel or air there wont be an explosion even if the spark plug tries its best. if the necesssary conditions rnt met the result will be either underwhelming (incomplete) or nothing. and underwhelming isnt enough to push the car ahead.

for some reason that i hvnt figured out yet i only work efficiently when im under pressure, but i guess that because 1) when im under pressure im constantly reminded of it and so i can focus and finish it off and 2) when im not pressured i procrastinate saying that oh i can only do this when im pressured coz i focus better under pressure and i take pride in that and become overconfident and then im like oh i can manage this last minute my future self probably cusses me out every single day

i hate how stubborn i am like why does my mind criticise itself for making bad choices and then make excuses for the bad choices and then criticise that excuse again and again its a loop im in a loop but then i think that im wrong for assuming that abt myself and not even trying to change it like how am i even supposed to break a loop ? especially when its so strong

then when i cant find anymore answers in my own behaviour i look around outside. at some point i thought that maybe when other ppl try to help me it makes me want to accept their help even lesser coz im stubborn and dont want to do things that others tell me. maybe if ppl stopped trying to help and i tried to help myself on my own, all alone, it will work. but then im just alone, and ppl misunderstand when i say i dont want their help and stop giving me support too i dont want help i just want the support to help myself but then again i dont know how to help myself. and if i cant help myself then how is anyone else going to.

is this really procrastination? or am i just victimizing myself?