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i want whirlwind

i want swept off my feet

i want head over heels

i want intensity and passion

i want soft and tender

but most of all

i don’t want to be the only one

falling in love

i want safety

i want to be caught

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Longing.

There’s a longing I cannot quench.

I long for a touch,

I long for a shared smile,

I long for affection.

The days go quickly

and suddenly you remember

you’re alone.

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in another life

i jumped back in your truck

and kissed you like i meant it

in another life

you said “i love you” back

but meant in love

in another life

i stayed in california

and we got married

in another life

i met you before him

and we were more

than friends with benefits

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4.9.23

just an introduction

and a quick conversation

over a month in between

i’m giddy

that you remembered

my name

i can still feel

your hand shaking

mine

hearing your prayer

join mine

making a vow

making me wonder

is there another vow

we could make

together?

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it seems impossible.

i watch rom-coms

i read all the tropes:

enemies-to-lovers

sharing a bed

forced proximity.

and i just know

that doesn’t happen

in real life.

movies, books

they’re fantasy

of what we desire,

but it isn’t real.

a whirlwind,

sweep you off your feet,

take your breath away

romance

does not exist.

as i sit here

struggling for breath,

desperate

and afraid

of a relationship

of falling in love.

because if i can’t be swept off my feet

i think i’ll run away

and not believe

that love exists.

it seems impossible.

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red wine taste like nights with her family

i was introduced to alcohol

through red wine

during family nights

girl’s nights

laughing

talking about everything

and nothing

red wine tastes like my best friend

like safety

like trying new things

tastes liked happiness

red wine tastes like her family

when her family became mine

[outflowofemotion]

Girls’ Night

My best friend invented girls’ night

wine

chick flick

skin care

her sisters

it made me feel like family

like i belonged

we had popcorn and cookies

and got tipsy

i miss her and our girls’ nights

but i love the tradition

she started

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my life could change in two days.

we could meet

-after talking for three months-

and that could be it.

you could be the one

for me.

my life could change in two day.

we could meet

and whatever we have

could die.

but

it could be reborn

into something

new

something beautiful

something we make

together.

my life will change in two days.

and i’m hoping

the change

is love.

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steady.

this is my first poem

for you.

you said you have

no expectations.

i’m trying not to have

any either.

but

i’ve never been good

at no feeling.

my mind sprints away.

now

the man i imagine

when i picture

love and happiness

and my future

suddenly he has a face

and it belongs to you.

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Girls Night

I’m alone

but celebrating girls night

my lips are tingling

things are blurry

romcom is on

i’m alone

but happy

yet

i wish someone was with me

do i wish for someone?

i’m content alone

not worrying about how anyone else is feeling

i’m content

i’m good

but someone else would be nice

to share the wine

to share the laughs

but it’s girls night

and i’m happy

and also a little sad

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distracted.

it’s easy to forget

when i’m busy

work to be done

full of things to do

then i’m slapped in the face

by reality

showing me another person

opening that next chapter

it’s easy to forget

all the love

swirling and bursting inside

waiting to be given

sometimes the ache is dull

other times it’s suffocating

it’s easy to forget

when i’m distracted

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i love this feeling.

3 glasses of wine in

with your best friend

watching movies

sharing secrets

happy.

things are slightly hazy

and feeling are buzzed

but the feelings are real

and right now

you’re happy.

cookies are baked

4th glass of wine

is poured

lips, toes

are tingly.

happiness.

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drowning

it hits me

in waves.

this will no longer

be my home.

this will no longer

be my normal.

this will no longer

be mine.

it hits me

in waves.

goodbye

to my routine.

goodbye

to my friends-my family.

goodbye

to the only life i’ve known.

it hits me

in waves.

i am comfortable

here.

i am happy

here.

i know myself

here.

it hits me

in waves,

and tonight

i am drowning.

[outflowofemotion]

how strange

to want to share everything with you

to be picturing a future life together

yet to be in the present enjoying you.

how strange

to be so comfortable

to feel like i’ve know you my whole life

yet making surprising new discoveries.

how strange

to feel so much in such a short time

to be unafraid to fall

yet somehow knowing you’ll catch me.

how strange

and yet so wonderful.

[outflowofemotion]

i saw your face again

it’s been over a year

since i last saw you, spoke to you, walked away.

i stopped writing because i healed enough

to not have to write about us anymore.

i am okay with my decision.

i needed to put myself first and let you go.

but last night i checked your instagram

and there you were staring back at me

after so long.

i can vividly remember falling in love

with your face.

i could stare at you forever.

i was so incredibly attracted to you.

you were everything i wanted.

your hair in my fingers

your mesmerizing eyes

your intoxicating lips

the curve of your nose and jaw

your constellation of freckles.

seeing that picture

brought everything back

and i cried

at loosing and walking away

from everything

i chose to want.

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2/18/18

on valentine’s day he told me

he had feelings for me.

and i was both sad and mad.

i was flattered of course and it felt nice

to be wanted.

but i was sad i did not feel the same

and i was mad he ruined our friendship.

my mind skidded to you.

and that made me more angry.

here was this man who did make me happy

he listened, he was there, he wanted me.

but he never made me feel

like i used to feel with you

during our good times.

my heart twisted painfully.

it made me think

could i not fall in love with anyone else

because i’m still in love with you?

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5.27.17

he said he didn't believe in best friends

because as soon as you give someone

that title they have the power to hurt you

and i laughed because

everyone has the power to hurt you

i sit here

alone

taken for granted

forgotten

and i finally understand

he said he didn't believe in best friends

and now neither do i