paintsandstains - Tumblr blog

[paintsandstains]

In present life, I am obligated to sacrifice many things, to put other’s best interest before my own.

There is no quiet. My surroundings are always toxic, demanding or negative.

I am almost in want to run away, or to quiet my own life, just to have a sense of control of it.

I want my art back, to not apologize for the time I have to spend to master it or even the thoughts I get lost in.

But since I was a child, my art in their view is a waste--- of time, of possibilities; an impracticality. My life choices are a waste of time, of possibilities; an impracticality. I have been deprived of who I want to be, who I can be, who I am. 

I am nothing but a fish now out of water, trying to run in the race of dogs, measured against the capabilities of what they consider as deserving of time, of possibilities; ever practical, ever worth it.

Am I not worthy? Aren’t my desires deserving to be put first?

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The wedding dress of Elisabeth “Sisi” in Bavaria in TV and Film

Romy Schneider in Sissi (1955)

Cristiana Capotondi in Sisi (2009)

Dominique Devenport in Sisi (2021)

Devrim Lingnau in The Empress (2022)

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The concluding scene defines all women as Lost until we realize that the demands of motherhood are too vast and overwhelming to ever be fully met, and through this realization accept ourselves as “good enough,” with permission to pursue our personal “golden age”—one where it is as perilous for our children to become our totally comsuming passion as it is for us to cut ourselves off from all else. In this way, Gyllenhaal sheds further light on a film resolve open to interpretation. Our children will forgive us for pain or loss they experience as we live if we are able to forgive ourselves.

SaraKay Smullens, FILM REVIEW—The Lost Daughter: Can A “Good Enough Mother” Be Good Enough?

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Everyone is figuring themselves out and becoming great at at least one thing!

Meanwhile I feel little, I feel stuck and left behind.

I find it hard to share this to anyone for fear that the insecurity will turn them off—especially my husband! I know he already feels he married down, and that he probably wished I were like our friends who are both mothers and successful doctors. They could do both, why couldn’t I?

I feel pressured to become enough, and I cannot seem to bring myself up to rise to the occasion. I have to figure it out or they will look at me with disappointment and distaste.

How do you help yourself without the help of someone else? I just want to stop becoming and existing sometimes and just be free... It’s just so painful to be alive like this.

[paintsandstains]

Andrea Gibson, You Better Be Lightning

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"The source of love is deep in us and we can help others realize a lot of happiness."

Thich Nhat Hanh

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+ BONUS:

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uhhmmm

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My very close friend asked what my type of guy was. After all the other guys I found myself with, I didn’t seem to have a type. I told her that this is very true—that I didn’t have a type, and actually didn’t know what I was looking for. Every relationship was learning what I wanted more in a relationship—or accepting that it just could not be attained.

My relationship with my father did not define that (my type of guy or standards in men), you see. He was there and yet he was distant. I did not know what to look for in a man because he did not help me set up the standards. Don’t get me wrong, I understood his love language for his family and especially for me. He was always the “You’ll see for yourself” type. That while being a perfectionist and imposing these traits on me is another story. But I wished he guided me more in this area. I wish he helped me protect my heart.

At the same time, I watched my mother for years settle for a compassion-less marriage. I would often ask her what she saw in my father, and her answer did not convince me that it was enough to know he was the one. But for years she told me and herself the story word per word, and still I told her she could have had any guy she wanted with her beauty, smarts and charisma. I always felt she wasted her good years on my father, who though was good man for providing for his family, lacked in emotional support greatly, which stunted the growth of my mother. Somehow I even got to tell her if she had gone for that one guy she always told me made her heart skip a beat, she could have done herself a favor naturally, and myself included for not having been born—but that is another story. I feel guilty for making her feel regret each time, but she says she never really did feel this way because she would say she has us, her children, or is that what she keeps on telling herself, too? I think seeing what my mother allowed in a relationship (even those with her children, friends and distant relatives) was also a factor in what I thought was okay. I watched others be treated nicely by their men, and I would sadly think to myself each time that those things just don’t happen to me—as if I did not deserve them. At one point, just because I kept bumping into this guy made me feel that the universe must be conspiring to bring us together, but it was just a lazy and stupid reasoning to assess a guy for his worth because , as it turned out that when it was inconvenient, nothing in the entire universe would conspire to bring him to spend time with me!

I did eventually find out the type of guy I was looking for. Funnily enough, he resonated some quirks my old man had, but he is slow to projection and quick to laugh and forgive. He is so gracious. I didn’t know how much I needed this which I so scarcely allowed myself to enjoy. Grace. Everything I wanted someone to have for me so I could be reminded to be that for myself as I undo my inner traumas. Or did I just find myself my father but with some upgrades? In a positive light, I guess I always did think of my father as a good man but he could be better had it not been for his upbringing as well. How the search for my type of guy brought that up and whole lot of family issues is just something else. Haha

[paintsandstains]

The world is not black and white. There is no black and white. There's only gray. You have to live in the gray, or you got no kindness in your heart. You gotta see the gray.

Kerry Egan, On Living

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regarding the röttgen pietà, elle emerson

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I wish you charisma, Vinta girl! I think charisma is a combination of grit, self-confidence with exuding likability! It’s a powerful combo. It can help you get out into the world and not have the difficulty of having to prove yourself so much. You just leave good impressions all the time and just make good on them. I mean, you don’t have to make everyone like and love you to feel good about yourself, but if they do, then that helps you in your studies and in your career. It helps with working in a team. It helps when you’re looking for a job and even getting that raise. It helps because you don’t have to be in survival mode all the time trying to demystify other people’s misconceptions of you being maldita, snobby, arrogant, etc. You don’t have to come off as too much; you’re always just right in their eyes. You could just focus on what you want to do without the unnecessary psych shit getting in your way.

I know you’re saying “Who cares what they think, right?” But if it makes life easier for you, I wish that. So I just really hope you have this charisma, unlike me who everyone thought to be this and that, who always had to present herself in the best light and yet appears to be trying so hard and have it working against her. I couldn’t get it to work for me. I didn’t have the it factor that helped others get around, including your Tatay Daren. I hope you get it from him.

More importantly, if life is what it is and charisma isn’t on your side, it’s okay. I love you for who you are and it’s okay to not be perfect. Then just be you and fuck what everyone thinks.

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Dear Vinta,

There are a lot of things I was not brave about.

Going after my heart’s desires.

Succeeding.

Saying no.

Saying yes.

Ending my misery.

Asking for help.

I guess for the longest time, I’ve been hopeful

To get over it.

But everytime, happiness is fleeting.

Strength is quickly draining.

I appear unable to finish what I started.

I appear all talk and no walk.

And it fills me with shame.

I hope you are nothing like me.

I hope I guide you away from it.

I hope in our journey, you do not notice it

Enough to stunt your own growth.

I am filled with guilt that I am even your mother.

Or that I might not be able to handle 3 more of your siblings as your father desires.

And that alone fills me with guilt,

That your father should have ended up with someone who could and would. Gladly.

That he should have had a family with someone able, worthy and whole.

[paintsandstains]

via Tumblr Quotes

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“There will be times in your life when you will feel underappreciated. Unloved. Lonely. And those are the best times to practice a little self-love. For years, I didn’t get the meaning behind the simple words of “love yourself”. It sounds great on paper, but what does it truly mean, in a practical sense, to love yourself? And more importantly, how do you achieve it exactly? Do you just get up in the morning and stare in the mirror and say “I love you”? Do you go around pretending you are awesome and hope that somehow that will make you feel awesome? Do you have to keep saying some mantra in your head, “I’m awesome, I’m awesome, I love myself”? Maybe it’s those things too but maybe it’s something else entirely. One time I came across a quote that single-handedly and utterly resolved the issue for me. The quote went something along these lines: “Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.” The quote gave me that eureka moment of finally realizing how I can practice self-love. All I have to do is simply think about the people I love and how much I want them to be happy and how I treat them and apply the same concepts to myself. For example, My friend is not worthless. They are magnificent and warm and all the things that make the world a better place and they deserve to be treated right. When I transfer that concept to myself, I realize that I make the world brighter for someone else and I deserve to be treated well by others. Or I don’t want my partner to smoke and eat junk food. I don’t want them to keep doing things that are unhealthy and that might hurt them in the future. Why should I give myself a pass on those things as well? As someone who cares about their long term future, I should steer myself towards cultivating good habits. Or My family member is feeling down and depressed. Instead of being hard on them or making it worse for them, I try to be of comfort to them. I’ll watch a movie with them if they want, cook them a meal, or bring them outside. The same concept applies to myself. I shouldn’t be hard on myself for not being at 100% sometimes and it’s alright to give myself downtime or to give in and do things that give me pleasure/happiness. See, it’s all really elemental, isn’t it? Just remember, ‘Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.’”

— sleeplessspirits  (via wordsnquotes)

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I do not need to be patronized

I just want to be heard

The reality that which

My hate for myself is so deep

I do not believe that I am worth

The life that runs in me

Or the title of Mother

Or anything of the sort

[paintsandstains]

I want to make sure that my relationships are right, and I want to make sure I’m nurturing meaning in a sustaining way, and that won’t necessarily be related to getting good jobs and making lots of money.