papergaze

[papergaze]

Look-out

Cold and breezy,

Wind in my back.

Thoughts of yesterday freeze me,

Wish I'd die in my stead.

That makes no sense,

I'm aware of that.

I want to let go. Desperately. Fist-clenching,

Heart-wrenching, eyes tearing,

I contemn myself.

"To and fro",

My professor made us discuss.

Tirelessly, I thought and thought of newer, righter

Brighter, better answers to give.

But there just weren't.

There just isn't,

There's just me and him, all the damn time, him and now..

stop.

This stops.

It's scary, real frightening, my heart drops,

But maybe there is,

There is me, and without him,

There's just me.

[papergaze]

Hills on hills

Roll all over

Someone's garden of Eden, I was born into,

Filled with countless toys and forced friends

Tied up and around hollow trees.

The fruit they bear look suspiciously symmetrical.

Once, I remember, I dug a hole

And almost fell.

Almost.

I try to turn away, but where to?

Even the clouds seem too perfect in their curated constellation.

They cannot guide me.

I start walking

I choose at random and follow one of the many paths,

Wondering where I'll end up.

Hopefully somewhere else.

[papergaze]

NOTES

Hi, Hei, Heii, hey/y

How are you/u?

Are you free next week?

Was thinking about you:)

What do you think about me?

Do you think I'm annoying? Sry, no need to answer that.

You're too kind and polite.

I'm not used to that. Thank you. I'm sorry.

Anyway.

I guess I'll see you around

[papergaze]

reach

a bit further

just a bit more

stretch and spread

yourself thin

tears at the seams

trickle down spines

alone in my company

sunny sunshine

Vitamin ADEF

spell it

do it

right

fuck

can't anymore

you made me

blind

[papergaze]

something green

birds

countless voices

asking politely, demanding, begging,

for someone to listen.

Some whisper, some squeak

others sing and or weep.

It's hard, to tell them

apart,

drowned out by

city sounds and

the streets.

[papergaze]

Blues

Leaf green

Reaching out for light

Does not know

My sky

Is blue at night

Heavy and shapeless

Numbs my chest

So I walk in the dark

Until dawn

Illuminates the pinecrest

Windstill

In My head

A thought, a wish, an urge

For time

To freeze and forget

I pray for us to stay

Afraid of

what comes

next

[papergaze]

space & time

Foundational dualism

The difference between what and why

But, oh, how unfortunate

The cause of conflict non-benign.

From this dualism

Spawns

Everything

But which one is right?

Which is wrong?

Which one easy or strong

Which one frail or undone

Practical, nuanced, honest or decorated

Positively and negatively connoted,

specific, consistent, Family or friends

or both and more?

Who's pronounced guilty, and who freed innocent,

ambiguous.

The tumble never stops.

I listen to mother's thoughts.

And I need to thank her for Everything.

[papergaze]

Break

down

mind breaking down

reality fracturing in front of my eyes

pretentiousness

I don't want to hurt

what I say, is

what I write, is

what I convey, is

what I show, is

what is,

what remains,

is my concern,

but not by choice.

[papergaze]

fine flowers in a vase make me remember, Sivas, 24.10.2023

In search of the perfect sunset,

I walk up hills in two drections,

I pass by street cats & chicken,

kids playing house & their newlywed parents

I end up on a hilltop among some birds.

Soon after they leave.

I sit among the rocks now.

I feel my headache lift and coast in circles with the wind.

[papergaze]

Winds of winter

It is about time.

It is about to happen.

Some few may dread,

While some more eagerly awaiting.

On the other side of this rickety fence,

that has been built and standing,

By fortunates slowly faded by fuzzying fumes,

With teeth green and rotten, as their stolen harvest,

There you will find

No change

But the shape of the fallen leaves on the fields.

I take the hands that are closest to me. I hope they do the same. And I take the very next step, in hopes that some may follow. To where the winds of winter are leading us.

[papergaze]

Waiting

for lasagna

lost, can never find her

thoughts keep on rewinding

eaten up by piranhas

sitting cross-legged

inside my mind old maggots

just become see-through

wondering if i will see you.

[papergaze]

silver-coated

I lift my hand again.

It feels like a sledgehammer, as I touch you

Trapped in the mirror,

behind the glass.

No light, no breeze, no sound can reach.

So far away right in front of me.

Gently, the skin is patted down and stroked to perfection.

Trying to grasp a flowing river,

Mere inches away from letting go, and dissolving

All that I see,

All that I want to be,

The essence of desire systemically substracted from a soul.

What is left?

This is all a reflection.

The one trapped behind glass, the other shattered to pieces.

Distorted angles twist and bend to a makeshift whole.

Looping flashes, paralyzing every dent and crease

In the fabric of time.

Sum of parts. Which are mine? Now.

My breath, heavy and restless, is the only anchor, tying me to the ground.

[papergaze]

Quartz

running zigzag lines

A herd of zebras splitting in two streams

pulling apart and flowing away.

If they meet again, will there be sunlight or an open fire.

There is a spot, inbetween

untouched green grass and a single gray pebble

laying here for eternity.

Waiting? Resting? Deciding?

definitely dreaming.

The tides are changing,

I can feel it.

And times, sadly, are countable.

Rushing, streaming, trickling, pouring,

on and on and on and on,

but never, ever, truly

stopping,

until tomorrow is forgone

and we meet again.

[papergaze]

On the subway - 2022 19. August

Rattern, quietschen, Flackern von Lichtern,

Tippen, knistern, Gelächter und Gesichter.

Husten und wiegen, schnattern und lieben,

Ob schnell oder langsam

Der Eindruck ist geblieben.

[papergaze]

Classroom no. 104

slowly, ever so slowly

at a slug`s pace, their very best

they stop and form a chrysalis.

Particle after particle turns in swirling motion.

Impossible you say?

Just stop and feel it happen, a million times over, in a fraction

of a thought

a kaleidoscope, the entrance to my mind

cutting, cracking, splintering, spiraling,

crystallizing,

dewdrops, sundrops, snowdrops, raindrops.

Few things you can count on more than the surety of the changing seasons.

Believe, when there is no difference to be felt, between a bud and a dying sprout.

Trailing off and behind.

Doing their very best.

The children of "war" and "peace".

[papergaze]

NeverBack

Flat lands and high rise buildings

A declaration of spite perhaps

All or nothing approaches

Vanity and Pride? Or Values and Perseverance?

Clear constant confusion

Caught in the crossfire

Of tradition and modernity

No, thats not right.

The done thing and the unseen.

A shrub on the ground, slightly yellow and brown

The pair of leaves and roots for miles down

What keeps it in place?The lack of legs? Or is it hoping, in search of water.

Just like these plains, how far am I able to stretch the lines out of the frame I was pictured in?

I am captured by friends and foes alike.

I hold out my hand and scream, raise my fist in anger!

The desert of my heart is a cruel place

Thirsty for poison and so, so fickle..

How long?

How, long?

[papergaze]

Yours confusedly - 23.06.2023

My midriff is rumbling since yesterday

The mind is tumbling into a fray

I think that you’re cute

It`s so hard to say

I know I don’t have a chance

Anyway

When you sit next to me, I feel the pity

That I think you feel so obviously

I write and love and look

Weird and strange

I’m so sorry, I don’t think I will ever change.

Still, I try, I do, to get out of bed, brush my hair fix my teeth, eat less junk, to hang on

by a thread

And it works, to some extent.

I feel good,

Sometimes.

The rain forms the river into a diluted sea,

Consumes me, in part - then wholly,

Yours confusedly

Chaos Theory