paracosm-writing

[paracosm-writing]

"𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕀 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕙𝕚𝕞"| Reiner Braun (ft. Eren Jaeger)

Previous Chapter

Pairing: Reiner Braun x Reader, hints of Eren Jaeger x Reader

Word Count:

Summary:

TW: kidnapping, hostage situation, angst, unhealthy power dynamics, toxic relationship, Stockholm syndrome, slight yandere! Reiner (?), canon divergent, time inconsistencies cause a girl just jumped right into season 4 without recapping earlier seasons and the manga

Once you’d received Eren’s letter, you stowed yourself in your bedroom and sobbed for hours. From relief that you were not forgotten, grief from all you’d suffered.

Then you’d slipped on one of the pretty blue dresses only Marleyans had the luxury of affording, slipped on your armband, and an uncomfortable pair of shoes, and strolled out your room.

Your nerves were shot when you found Reiner in your small, bare living room, dressed in uniform, a rifle tucked at his side.

He regarded you with apprehension, his breath taken away. It was both beautiful and unsettling to see you dressed in modern clothes. An uncanny sight, as if the pieces were beautiful but didn’t quite fit.

That’s what it was like; looking at you now.

And he averted his gaze, to not make you uncomfortable because even though he held you at night, you were both enemies again by sunrise.

Reiner had made peace with that, accepted it even. He'd gotten his final look anyway.

“Y/N, I want you to know, whatever happens, everything I did - down to the very end was to protect you,” he said, a firm with conviction, gazing at you for the last time. “I tried. It might not have been the right way. But I understand now who I should’ve been protecting you from.”

“What are you talking about?” You whispered with bated breath, and as you studied him, you remembered your promise to each other; ‘If you need me, I’ll know.’

You knew he needed you, although you couldn’t understand why. Still, your heart seemed to race as if to tell you, ‘Something is wrong.’

“The memories, Y/N,” he said. “I didn’t just see you and I together, I saw you dying. Over and over and over again. In different ways, different places, by different people. I had to protect you so I did what I thought was right.”

You couldn't breathe. "What you thought...was right?"

You waited for tears to fall, from frustration or an abomination of love you weren't sure. You were never sure what you were feeling when it came to Reiner anymore. Because he was loving you as he was hurting you because he was both your lover and your enemy, your husband and your captor.

But the tears wouldn't come, as if they were blocked by some hidden dam in your heart.

"You wouldn't," he looked down, hesitated, and then tried again. "You couldn't understand."

You waited for anger to rise in you, the familiar emotion that raged within you whenever Reiner spoke of things he just "couldn't explain." But all that was left was a haggardness that seemed to weigh on your shoulders, and you remembered how so, so tired you truly were.

"Reiner," you whispered. "I never asked you to save me. I never asked you to be my savior. Whatever would've happened, you were supposed to just let it happen, maybe it would've been better than this-"

"You died with Paradis," Reiner said solemnly then."When the world came for the island, all of you lost."

For a moment you were so speechless that not even a thought could formulate, your mind going completely blank and you blinked rapidly, and took a step back.

"I-I don't care," you managed hesitantly. "I would've gladly dedicated my heart-"

"Commander Erwin was willing to sacrifice you and your regiment every single chance he got-"

Your hands grew clammy, but still, slowly, you shook your head. "Captain Levi would've never let him sacrifice me even if I wanted to-"

"And Eren Jaeger would've killed you. Twice," Reiner finished, a dark look in his eyes of gold as if the thought of it enraged him.

If only you could see what he'd seen; Eren Jaeger failing his regiment, leading to your death countless times over, or the darkest memory of all, your mangled body and Eren's dismissive gaze as life literally seeped from your eyes.

How could Reiner not come to the conclusion that he needed to tear you away from Paradis?

But it had come at the cost of hurting you anyway. You were yet another reason he wanted to die, and yet there had once been a time when you were a reason he wanted to live. That maybe, just maybe, he could be a hero. If not to the world, then to you.

Now you were looking at him as if he himself had killed you. As if in saving your life, he had murdered you instead.

You took in all this information as if you'd been hit by a great force, grabbing the edge of a dining room chair for support, squeezing your eyes shut. You waited for tears, for sobs, but still, nothing came out. Though you could feel something inside of you.

You were glad because you were afraid that whatever came out, wouldn't be angry. It was as if with every day you spent in Marley, every night you spent in Reiner's arms, the fighting spirit inside of you ebbed away. Now it came in waves, and whenever you tried to latch on to it, it would fade away - no matter how much you wanted it to stay.

"I don't believe you," you said weakly. "You're-you're lying. You can't see anything, you're just saying this to me so I'll-"

You didn't realize you were crumpling to the floor until Reiner was falling down with you, just as you'd done for him the night before. Just as you'd both done for each other countless times after expeditions. You couldn't help but lean into him as if it were a natural instinct built into you and sob, disgusted at what a betrayal it was to your comrades, yet not wanting to let go.

Reiner's hands were in your hair, brushing back tendrils as he planted a kiss by your temple. He held there, eyes closed, taking in his last moment.

"The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry, princess," he whispered in your ear. "You're the only thing that's ever made any damn sense. Protecting you, it's what kept me moving forward, even when I didn't have a plan anymore," and then, for the first time since Marley, he spoke with complete peace, "And now I've gotta save you again, for the last time."

Something inside of you told he needed you then, 'for the last time,' but you couldn't answer it. You wouldn't. Even if he answered your call every single time, even when you never asked him to.

Because if you gave in, you would never go to meet Eren.

So you kept your eyes shut, even though your heart started to pang.

You felt him back away, kept your head down, as you waited for him to leave.

When the door closed, something tightened in your chest.

Yes, this would be the last time. Because you were going home. Yet why did home feel like it just walked out the door, with Reiner?

You wept.

¥

You found Eren sitting on a bench in front of the hospital, bouncing a ball against the ground. He nearly looked like a stranger with his long hair and amputated leg, no doubt only restrained from growing back by the wrapping gauze around his stump.

For the longest, you just stared at him from the courtyard, the enemy-in-disguise seemingly unbeknownst to your hesitant stature.

He didn't look like the hard-headed boy you knew from your youth. When your father had died, and you used to roam Shigashina to get away from your stepfather, you'd found him reading one of Armin's books near the lake and dared to ask him about titans.

He'd excitedly told you about the outside world, about the freedom beyond the walls, and you had been hooked on giving your life for humanity ever since.

Back then, you would've done anything to get away from home. Even if that meant going out into the unknown, or childish as it was, having a knight come to rescue you like the fairytale books you read with your mother.

Now you had your wish, and you'd even found the knight you had been dreaming about too. The irony made your heart pang, even more so as you remembered the small moment in time where you almost believed that knight had been Eren of all people.

It had been a fleeting moment because then you joined the Survey Corps and met Reiner, and suddenly you couldn't imagine yourself with anyone else.

'Would things have been different if it had been Eren instead?' you wondered, immediately shut down by Reiner's words.

"Eren would've killed you. Twice."

If you had heard that five years ago, you would've respectfully told Reiner he had no idea what he was talking about. That maybe he was just jealous even.

But now, after spending a year in Marley, waiting for your comrades to rescue you without a sliver of hope, a part of you wondered if it was true.

If your comrades could just let you go so easily, did they really love you? Did Eren really love you if he was willing to lay your life down for his?

You shook the thought away. This was what Reiner wanted. He knew what he was doing. He wanted you to abandon all hope and settle into a life with him, right? Right?

Yet even after all Reiner had done, you still couldn't help but believe he only wanted the best for you. You knew him. You knew him. You knew him.

The thoughts that had haunted you for 365 days started to gain momentum, begging you to turn around. Back into the arms of your captor, to this foreign place, to the one person you could trust because Reiner was just protecting you and-

Eren's eyes snagged on yours as he looked up, catching his ball.

Your breath caught, searching wildly through his green eyes, for something. Something that told you he was safe because you didn't know who was. Not anymore. Not when you couldn't even trust the man you loved.

To your surprise, Eren smiled. Or at least it was the remnant of a smile, not fully blooming, almost as if he couldn't.

It didn't feel like Eren.

But nothing made sense to you anymore.

He waved his hand cupped over the ball.

You exhaled.

¥

“I’m sorry we left you here for so long. I never wanted that for you, I never wanted you to suffer for me," Eren said.

You both sat side by side on the bench, reminiscent of the way you'd sat together as children, Armin's books sprawled on your laps.

“I didn’t suffer for you, Eren. It was for humanity - or, it was. “

“And now? - Now that you know what do you think it was all for? Do you think-do you think it was still worth it?”

“Yes...no...I don’t know.” - “Eren, I’ve been confused. So confused. I live with these people. I eat at their tables. I work in their stores. I’m married to one-“

“You mean Reiner?”

You nodded, a flurry of shame coming over you. As if he could see the nights you’d spent in Reiner’s arms as if all the hurt and betrayal and love was a gaping wound for all to see.

And Eren’s eyes narrowed, and he turned away from you. As if he were mad at the wall. As if he were mad at you for still indulging in a traitor.

“It was-“

“Did he hurt you?” He asked jarringly, eyes boring into yours.

Your heart skipped a beat, already beating so harshly that it pounded against the hollow of your throat. You didn’t want Eren to know, you didn’t want anyone to know, that you were no longer a righteous captive. That you’d done things, terrible things, to remember what love was supposed to feel like.

And yet you couldn’t say Reiner had hurt you. He’d been gentle with you, patient in your anger, the entire time you’d spent in Marley. Yes, he was your captor, but he was also your only comfort. The only familiar thing about your unfamiliar surroundings. Your only comrade in the midst of being forgotten by all the rest.

In fact, sitting beside Eren, you felt so much more distant from him now. As if he were a complete stranger.

A part of you so overwhelmed by the unfamiliarity you wanted to go home and throw yourself into Reiner’s arms.

“Y/N, did he hurt you?” Eren said again, even the way he said your name was so different. Devoid of joy, hardened and firm. Reiner never spoke like that, even when he’d yelled at you on the tree to accept your fate, it was never devoid of love for you.

Or maybe you couldn’t remember what real love sounded like anymore.

“He said he’s protecting me,” you admitted, staring down at your lap. You didn’t mean to sound small, but you always did. “He saw me, in his memories, and I was always dying, Eren. He said taking me here was the only way to protect me from...whatever he saw.”

You felt Eren’s eyes on you but you didn’t dare look at him, afraid of his judgement. Afraid of his sympathy.

“He never hurt me, Eren. As horrible as I’ve been to him, he looks out for me. If anything, it’s been me hurting him. Constantly reminding him of -but I just can’t forget,” the tears started to flow and you forced yourself to meet Eren’s eyes, still cold and devoid of life.

You grasped the hands of this unfamiliar man and bowed your head. And suddenly you understood what Reiner must feel. When the righteous becomes the sinner.

“Eren, I know you said he’s a monster but,” you gasped. “I still love him. I love him so much and I hate myself for it. I know I shouldn’t. He’s killed so many of our people, but I love him. “

The air was thick with deafening silence so you kept going, desperate, desperate for someone you could finally confess your sin to.

“I’ve tried to fight it, but I’ve given in. So many times. And I know you think he’s a monster, but I still want to beg you, with every part of my being, please don’t kill him,”

You sobbed into Eren’s hands, clinging to them, waiting for the anger of the fiery boy you once knew. You wanted him to judge you, deem you a sinner, and force you to let go of Reiner. Kidnap you, like the love of your life, had done so long ago and take you home.

Because you had lost your mind and couldn’t find your way back.

Some days you didn’t want to go back. You had seen too much. You had seen the world and you understood too much.

Was this what Reiner felt when he’d stepped foot in Paradis?

Eren regarded you with an empty stare, and only for a flicker of a second, could you have sworn his eyes were pained.

“I’m not here to kill Reiner,” he said. “I’ve come to the same revelation you’ve had here. What I said doesn’t matter, I didn’t know what I know now. What you’ve known before any of us.”

“It must’ve been hard for you to hate a monster when you know that monsters don’t exist. It was easier to pretend, wasn’t it?”

He offered a somber smile, only traces of the boy you remembered echoed in his face.

You sniffled, hung on the glimmer of his kindness, burdened under the weight of a cruel world you could hardly make sense of anymore.

Once upon a time, you thought the outside world would bring clarity, but you were lost now more than ever. And you were desperate, desperate for someone to provide an answer to the question that had weighed on your heart since you saw skyscrapers and cars and armbands and ships and Reiner, always Reiner-“What do we do now?”

He gave a small tsk then, slightly shaking his head. “Nothing’s changed, Y/N,” he said, still smiling that sad smile. “If we want to be free, we have to fight. But first you have to tell me: do you want to be free?”

His expression shifted, and you felt a bile in the back of your throat. The very thought that used to embolden you, just made you afraid now. Freedom? What did freedom even look like anymore?

Was it fighting in a war against the entire world? Or was it a stolen moment by the fire, talking to the boy you liked, blissfully unaware that your silly daydreams of marrying him would come true in the worst way possible? Was it running for the rest of your life as an enemy of humanity, watching your comrades die one by one? Or was it melting into the nooks and crannies of your husband’s arms, safe from the world, finally allowing yourself to accept the refuge those arms once were?

“I do,” you managed. “I do want to be free. “ But your throat was closing up and your voice was thick, because you didn’t know which freedom you wanted anymore.

And you loathed yourself for it.

Damn Reiner for the war you’d inherited from loving him.

As if his eyes had seen things the rest of him couldn’t sense. “Stay home and don’t go to the festival tomorrow. Someone will come for you.”

“They’re all here, aren’t they?” You murmured, your heart swelling with fear and anticipation. Your friends, they were all here.

“They’ve missed you, we’ve all missed you.” He said, but you missed the uncertainty in his instructions, buzzing at the thought of your comrades.

Your heart settled on their faces; Connie, Jean, Mikasa, Armin, and Levi, the man who’d taken you in as if you were his own daughter in that stoic way of his.

You’d missed them all. You’d believed they’d come for you, but with every passing week, you started to believe they didn’t miss you.

“Why?” You whispered. “Why did you guys have to leave me?” You didn’t mean to sound like a child, like the little girl who’d lost her mother, but you never failed to. Marley had peeled away all your layers, leaving you raw and frail.

Eren faltered, dropping his gaze, and for a moment it seemed he might cry. “Because, we thought it was a sacrifice for humanity’s last hope,” he said bitterly, angry even.

You didn’t know why you asked. In the fight in the trees, it had become apparent that they could only save one; you or Eren. The choice was obvious. You’d even begged them to leave you, even as you watched Levi battle with the realization for a fraction of a second, before Eren was torn from the Armored’s grasp.

You were at peace then.

Whatever happened, even if Reiner was lying and ended up killing you anyway, you laid your life down for humanity’s last hope and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

It didn’t hurt until you realized how wrong you all were. The pride and vanity of being a soldier had faded, and you suddenly had nothing to dedicate your heart to.

Except for one man.

“I’m sorry,” Eren said. “That it has to come to this.”

After leaving Eren at the psychiatric hospital, you walked the long trek to your doctor’s appointment, ruminating on all that was said.

The afternoon sun dipped low over the foreign country and you walked comfortably in your strange Marleyan heels past the vividly green park where Eldian children played. A rare luxury in Liberio.

Your Marleyan doctor regarded you with beady eyes, practically sneering at your Honorary Marleyan armband before she told you the flooring news.

The nausea you’d been feeling all week was in fact a pregnancy.

“How thrilled Mr. Braun will be to leave behind a legacy after his term.”

¥

Meanwhile, Eren Jaeger tossed the baseball Zeke had sent him under the same sun.

He knew Reiner’s attempts to save you were all in vain.

Your death was inevitable, and not even Eren could change it. Though he’d tried and tried and tried.

But that was the difference between them. Reiner fought to protect those from fate, and Eren was the immovable force that would always stand in the way.

He reminded himself of those words:’Keep moving forward,’ even as he remembered you and felt sick to his stomach.

Your death was etched in his memories, and there was nothing he could do about it, but keep moving forward.

[paracosm-writing]

blast playing fuck marry kill

Nobu: ok Nana, fuck, marry, kill for Hachi, Ren, and Yasu?

Nana: fuck Ren, marry Hachi, kill Takumi

Nobu: that was not one of the options

Nobu: but ok, let's try a different one.

Nobu: fuck, marry, kill: Shin, Naoki, and Mai

Nana: Kill Takumi, drive the body to the Shiromaru Dam on the Tama River, dump it in the creek behind the dam because no one ever looks there.

[paracosm-writing]

Vinland Saga + Scenery

[paracosm-writing]

Vinland Saga (2005-?) by Makoto Yukimura

[paracosm-writing]

Reiner in ODM gear 😍

[paracosm-writing]

Am I gonna finish Attack on Titan? Or is Attack on Titan gonna finish me?

[paracosm-writing]

Will any of us ever be as iconic as Rei Kashino?

[paracosm-writing]

kira & rei in vol. 1 of mars by fuyumi soryo

[paracosm-writing]

Look what a good deer!

[paracosm-writing]

"𝕞𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕚𝕥 𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕡"| Reiner Braun

Next chapter

Pairing: Reiner Braun x f!reader

Word Count: -3k words

Summary: It's hard to hate a devil when he's the only one that can stop your pain. In which Reiner finally comes home, and you're resigned to hate him until you realize he's all you have.

TW: NSFW, kidnapping, hostage situation, angst, unhealthy power dynamics, toxic relationship, Stockholm syndrome, slight yandere! Reiner (?), canon divergent, soft smut loool, a little worship/praise kink

A/N: This fic lives in an AU in which:

The Armored Titan can see their own future memories

The Reader was taken to Marley after the reveal in season 2.

This is a multi-fic of just random moments in this scenario cause I can't commit to an actual story since I've got a wrist injury!

You weren't moved into the house until the warriors came back from their last stand in Shigashina, haggard and defeated. Only two men - no, two monsters - Zeke Jeager and Reiner Braun, your husband.

It was still unsettling to call him that. You didn't even get to have a marriage ceremony. Papers were drawn and documents were forged to ensure you had a place in Marley, but it didn't feel right. The one thing you had dreamed about and longed for for so long, ever since you met him in Paradis.

And before you could digest it, the weight of it, he was gone again.

Now the idea of it was brought to life as Reiner guided you around your new home. A small but quaint one on the outskirts of Liberio, so close to Marleyan districts you could almost pretend you weren't considered a devil. A false sense of security for Honorary Marleyans.

Despite its small foundation, the house was wide with two full baths, large bedrooms, and a family room. There was even a third bedroom, only a bit smaller than the rest, and you couldn't help but furrow your brows as you peeked into the room.

Reiner coughed, cleared his throat, and quickly closed the door. "All they had left were starter rooms," he explained sheepishly. "For...families."

Neither of you said anything else about that room. You both knew you wouldn't be needing it.

You followed him down to the hall then, noticing Reiner's shoulders were tense. If this were after training, you'd probably offer to give him a massage, laughed when he tried to hide his moans of relief, and melted into his kiss when he turned around afterward to thank you.

But that was when you were just two kids facing the world together.

"I specifically asked for two rooms," he said, turning to eye you wearily. As if you might attack him or run away. "So you don't have to worry about me."

You opened your mouth to speak but your voice was raw from sobbing the night before when you found out he was coming back. Having destroyed your home, you assumed. But the last stand had been a failure, and that gave you hope.

You wanted to scream, 'How dare you try to be a good guy? Of course I wouldn't want to share a room with you.'

But you were all screamed out, and a part of you still yearned for the idea. For him to wrap his arms around you as you rested on his chest.

If you did, would you wake up back in Paradis? Would this all turn out to be a dream?

He lead you to your room and like all the others, it was bare of warmth. Stripped of life. The twin bed against the wall was plain, with white comforters and pillowcases, a simple wooden desk and a chair against the window. The grey curtains flowed from the wind wisping into the room, the moon's light washing over you both.

If you didn't know any better, you would think this room belonged to one of the warriors. A room built for a blank canvas, a weapon, not a human being.

Wordlessly, you entered the room and dropped the one bag made for you full of armbands and clothes made of strange textures and fabrics on the bed.

You could feel Reiner's eyes boring into your back as you moved to the window. Outside, buildings lazed over the small houses and over those buildings were more of the mainland, more of the outside world...

Armin's books...

"Can you close the curtains?" You asked softly, voice sore. “I don’t want to see anything.”

"Of course," Reiner murmured, already behind you in a flash. He leaned over and closed the curtains.

"We can go shopping tomorrow," he said. “Buy you new furniture and anything else you want in your room."

Your mind drifted to the one decoration you'd managed to have in every bedroom that ever belonged to you. From your childhood home, to the orphanage, to the barracks.

The only decor you needed that was now gone forever.

A sketch of your mother.

This monster took you away and he didn't even let you bring a picture of your mother.

Rage brewed within you, so powerful you could go blind, and yet nothing came out.

Instead you stood there, eyes on the floor because you couldn't look at him.

Or you might not survive.

You needed to survive.

Help was coming.

You just needed to stay put, find a way out when the opportunity presented itself, wait for your friends to come for you.

"Y/N, I-" Reiner started again but sighed instead. “If you need anything, I'm here. Goodnight, Y/N.”

He started to retreat, turning on his heel, and oddly enough, your heart started to pound.

"Rei-erm, wait," you called hoarsely and he seemed to turn around in a heartbeat.

Strangely, you wanted to say, ‘I’m scared’. What you would do once you were alone in this strange room, you didn’t trust yourself enough to find out, and yet you couldn’t go to Reiner like you used to. Not anymore.

So instead you composed yourself.“There isn’t a lock on the door.”

Reiner, so firm up until now, regarded you with pity.“Y/N,” he said softly. “You know why there can’t be.”

 It dawned on you then, as you took in Reiner’s firm stance. It dawned on you that there was a possibility you could be trapped here for the rest of your life. The thought sent your head spinning.

You grasped the wooden bed frame to keep from swaying as your vision started to blur with tears. Pathetically, your anger melted into fear, that familiar panic that tormented you since the walls fell, now following you across the sea.

And even worse, there was only one person who could manage to make it stop.

“So you’re telling me I’m trapped here,” you said shakily.

“You don’t have to be… you could make… a life here,” He left off the implication you were both thinking of; ‘with me.’

For a moment, you almost considered it, you almost allowed yourself to envision it. A life with Reiner, the third room that you would never speak of belonging to a child, A real wedding to make up for the horrors Reiner had inflicted on your comrades to bring you here-

No, you wouldn’t go there. You couldn’t.

“Life? What kind of life, Reiner?” You exclaimed, mustering up the strength to spin around and face him. “One where I’m treated like a devil for just walking down the street? Where I have to pretend my entire home isn’t being slaughtered by people like you? You might be able to take that, but I can’t.”

He was stoic, an apologetic gleam behind his eyes, hurt etched on his face.

You resisted the urge to hold him, even as you sensed his pain in the very depths of your core. Once upon a time, you were so in love that one just knew when the other was hurt.

Reiner had held your face in his hands before the survey corps expedition as if you were a precious treasure he'd been searching centuries for as he reassured you, 'If you need me, I'll know.'

Such a thought had comforted you then. When you'd been slammed into a tree by the Female Titan, the rest of your comrades killed. You thought you would die in the clearing but Reiner had showed up just like he'd promised.

And now he needed you, you could feel it, and you resisted every part of you that wanted to run to him.

“Do you think I want this for you?” He said darkly, voice strained. “I hate it too, Y/N, but dammit the right things don’t always feel good,”

He closed the gap between you before you could react, cradling your face in his large hands, hazel eyes teary. ” you don’t know how many ways this could’ve turned out for you, how many ways I’ve had to save you.”

You froze, you were so close that your breaths mangled together. And you longed for him, you longed to bury your face in his chest and sob, but how could you find comfort in the person who’d hurt you in the first place?

“Reiner,” you breathed, tears welling in your eyes, tears you loathed because they weren’t entirely forged from anger. “I will never make a life here,”

You took a step back then, imagining the faces of all the ones you’d lost so you could keep your composure as you looked him in the eye. “And I will hate you until the day I die.”

“Hate me, I deserve it, and I’ll make sure you have a lifetime to do so.”

He started out of the room, leaving your heart and mind in pieces around you. There he was, talking to you about things that you didn’t understand, talking in codes and secret languages. It used to drive you mad on the island and it drove you mad now.

Save you? How was destroying your home and kidnapping you saving you?

You ran to the doorway. “Just drop the act, Reiner! You didn’t save me, you’re not a soldier for humanity, you’re a devil!” You cried. “So stay away from me!”

And then, worn out from trying to be strong, “I-I can’t believe I ever loved a monster like you.”

Reiner paused in the hallway, his back to you. And you saw the way he crumbled even as he seemingly tried to hide it.

“Neither can I,” he said. “I really am nothing but a filthy devil.”

You were supposed to feel satisfied, you were supposed to feel in control, but instead you were left with an ache in your chest. 

Slowly, you closed the door.

Your heart- what was left of it - shattered as it shut and you sank down to your knees in sobs.

Crying without any tears.

Crying for your friends so distant from you now.

Crying for the silly cause you had once believed in. For humanity.

Crying for the devil you once loved.

It wasn't until you went to unzip your bag for the odd, yet soft clothes Marleyans used as pajamas that you found the sketch.

The sketch of your mother.

A treasure that only a devil would've remembered to grab for you that day Wall Rose was breached.

》《

Reiner was contemplating over the rifle in his closet, how it would be so easy to shut down the guilt roaring within him, when he heard the knock.

Loud, forceful, again and again and again. In a frenzy.

He knew that knock.

He sensed what it meant.

Reiner opened the door to you, eyes red, sobbing, gasping for breath. "Reiner," you managed. "Help me, make it stop, please, you're the only one that can make it stop."

Without hesitation, he gathered you in his arms, let you cry into his shirt. And he marveled for a moment at how familiar you felt even now. How your body melted into his in that perfect way as if you were made for him

It was cruel. The one person he’d hurt so badly he couldn’t stand it was also one of the people that still gave him a reason to stay. You needed him, even if you didn’t welcome the idea, even if you loathed it.

Because you had been in his memories, happy and free, dying and tormented. If he left this earth, who would protect you from the doom he foresaw waiting for you?

"Shhh, shhh," he whispered, stroking your hair as you sobbed. Just as he'd done so many times before when you would grow anxious before a mission. "I've got you, sunshine. You're safe here, I'm not gonna let anything hurt you."

His heart pained at the irony of it all. From the very beginning, he'd been uttering soothing lies. Yet he continued because lies were the only way he knew to make it better.

"Just take deep breaths for me okay, baby? I promise you're okay. I'm here. I'm right here."

He felt your body relax, your heart hammering in your throat galloping down to a slow pace.

Your cries turned to sniffles, but you still trembled in his arms, clinging to the collar of his thin, long-sleeved t-shirt. And all was still, and for a moment, you both could pretend that nothing had changed.

“Please, Reiner,” you said shakily then. “Please let me go home.”

He stiffened.

“Please,” you pleaded, voice raw from crying. “I’m begging you. If you love me, you’ll let me go home.”

His arms tightened around you and he grimaced into your shoulder.

“Please-“

“Don’t speak,” he said firmly, swallowing hard. “You know I can’t. This is your new life now, and the sooner you accept it, the better you’ll be.”

Your heart sank, but all you knew to do was to cry into his shirt again, nuzzling your head in his chest as if you could bleed through each other. You never felt so trapped.

“It’s for your own good,” he added, only causing you to sob.

“Please,” was all you could manage, over and over again, hoping he might hear you. See you.

Instead Reiner's hands moved from your back, trailing down to the hem of your shirt as he murmured into the night, "I'll make it stop.”

You didn’t know why you let him undress you, crying into his kiss, gentle and soft, wet with your tears.

Maybe it was because you needed him to fill the hole in your heart. To empty you of the pain and confusion coursing through you. To replace the foreignness of this house with something you knew.

The familiar sensation of his touch.

Reiner might’ve broken you, but he was the only one who could make it stop.

He trailed kisses down your body, from your neck, to your shoulders, your breasts. Then he coaxed you to the bed, whispered, “Let me take care of you.”

For a moment you felt numb, drained from all the turmoil, and then Reiner was between your thighs. You laid there limply at first and yet somehow you started to respond, your hips bucking up to meet him, hearing your moans as if they weren’t yours.

And you welcomed the pleasure, got lost in the ecstasy, because if Reiner had to break your heart then let it be sweet. Because it reminded you of the days of hiding in closets and stealing time near the lake during Cadet training.

“You are, so beautiful,” he mumbled, staring down at you as you writhed beneath him. You couldn’t help but weep again. He’d told you that the first time too, before you knew.

The pang in your heart started to grow more insistent, louder than the fading high. You didn’t want to feel it.

“Reiner,” you gasped.

“I know, baby, I know,” he murmured into your neck, peppering kisses along the hollow all the way to your collarbone. “I’m gonna make it stop, I’m gonna make you feel so good.”

He guided his need to yours until you blended into one. The fullness of him seemed to fill the emptiness of your home. You wrapped your legs around him, pulling him deeper, grasping at the familiarity of being connected.

Reiner thrust into you, deep yet still somehow gentle as if he knew how delicate you were. How fragile. “You’re doing so good,” he whispered in your ear. “You’re taking it all so good, I’m so proud of you baby.”

The rush of pleasure and sorrow was too much for you to think clearly. Tears continued to stream down your cheeks and you dug your nails into Reiner’s back as he quickened his pace, your need more desperate as you both tried to outrun the pain.

He sat you up on his lap, hoisted you up as if you were a god to worship, kissing down your neck to your breasts. And again he wiped away your tears, whispering to you that somehow he could make it okay.

And for one sweet moment, it was okay. It stopped, and nothing else mattered. Nothing but you, and him, and the sweet pleasure rushing through you as he buried his head in the crook of your neck.

You nearly believed you were two cadets fumbling around in the moonlight, nervous and eager and in love. You nearly believed nothing had ever changed.

Then pleasure seeped from your body, ebbing away until you were left with the pain that remained.

You were both panting, mangled in one another, and it was so comforting and yet frightening all at the same time.

Reality was back in the form of Reiner’s eyes of gold staring back at you, gleaming with the tears of a sinner.

“I’ll do anything,” he whispered. “Whatever-whatever you need, tell me what I can do to make it right.”

Reiner knew he was selfish. He needed to believe he was doing the right thing. That he was saving you. That with every bit of pleasure he brought to you, he could make you better, and through saving you he would save himself.

But it was a lie. He couldn’t fix what he had ruined in the first place.

In your silent tears, he heard those same three words, the ones that haunted him, “Let me go,” you managed shakily. “R-Reiner, please.”

He regarded you, the girl who’d he’d watched grow strong through his memories of the island be reduced to a frightened, unsure mess again, just as he’d first left you when he broke down the walls of Shigashina.

The simplicity of being with you was gone, and now he too was reminded again of what he wanted to stop. His reason for wanting to die.

And yet, you were alive. You were alive, and that was all that mattered. That he’d stopped the worst of his memories from ever happening.

So those three words were like hot iron searing his chest each time you said them, but resolution still saturated his own, “I’m sorry, princess, I can’t.”

He saw the desperation in your eyes, frozen there, since the day he’d taken you. “Then you can’t,” you whimpered. “You can’t make it stop.”

You started to cry, squeezing your eyes shut.

So Reiner did the only thing he knew to do, he took you up in his arms and turned you to the side so that you were crying into his chest. His arms wrapped around you as you trembled with sorrowful fatigue.

In the morning you’d get up and go back to your room, ashamed, thinking he was asleep. Neither of you would talk about what happened. Even when you’d come to him the next night, broken, and begging him to make it stop.

FIN.

[paracosm-writing]

Shoe store headcanons |  various AOT characters, Reiner Braun X reader

Pairing: Reiner Braun x Gender Neutral!Reader

A/N-Summary: In which I apply some personal experiences working in a shoe store to some AOT characters. Was supposed to be a cute little one shot but I hurt my wrist and have no idea when I’ll be able to write again so enjoy this random little nugget.

Might do a part two with other characters later.

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There was only one word to truly describe working at a shoe store in Trost; random.

To start there was Sasha Braus. Your best friend since starting two weeks ago. Been there six months, and took long lunch breaks to go to chipotle and huddle at the managers desk.

“ Sasha, didn’t your break end 30 minutes ago?”

“ oh shoot! I forgot!” She’d say with pieces of chipotle falling out of her mouth. (It’d take her another 15 minutes to finally come back out after getting the runs.)

Then there was Porco, another sales associate, who was great at talking up the shoes but as soon as he encountered a rude customer, he’d go off.

“ this is unacceptable, how do you guys not sell shoelaces at a shoe store?”

“ shit, just go to Journeys, it’s not that hard!”

Sometimes he bought sandals for his girlfriend, Pieck, before clocking out.

“ she’s been moaning about her feet so I figured this might help a bit,” he’d say, his face flushing as he spoke.

There was Eren Jeager, whom you rarely saw because he hardly ever showed up to work. He usually calls out 10 minutes before his shift and when he did bother to show up, he’d make animated conversation with the customers about topics that had nothing to do with the shoes which usually swayed them into buying because they liked him so much.

When you guys do talk, he would rant passionately about capitalism, how retail is a dead-end job, and how you’re all going to rot if you don’t quit soon. By the end of the conversation, you’re about ready to go up to manager Shadis, tell him to kiss your ass, and walk out.

One day Eren just dead ass never comes back,

yeah literally,

he doesn’t tell anyone, doesn’t put in a two week notice, he just never comes back.

Nobody knows what happened to him.

Next up your managers.

Starting with assistant manager Hitch, who didn’t even try to sell or make any effort to do her job whatsoever. There was a rumor around the workplace that she hooked up with a manager before Shadis to get the position. She made for fun conversation though to pass the time, and she and Eren got along a little too well.

The manager of the store was Shadis, who was always lashing out at everyone. Eren let you know he was just mad because he didn’t make district manager after fighting for the spot for years.

When you accidentally left money out on the counter he said, “ is your head made out of lead or are you stealing from me?”

It was Reiner Braun, assistant manager at the store, and like a big brother of the team that always rescued you from Shadis.

“ don’t worry, I saw her when she did it. It was an honest mistake, “ he would chip in placing a hand on your shoulder.

Reiner was the king of commission. He always went the extra mile with customers. Talking with the kids so the moms could try on shoes in peace, helping the elderly stick their feet in the shoes, even going as far as making outbound sales (which were unnecessary and took forever to do ) if a shoe wasn’t in stock and a customer just had to have it.

When you were embarrassed over how hard it was for you to pick up the ins and outs of the job, Reiner was always there to give you encouragement.

“ i’ve been here for almost a month and I still suck at the POS, is that bad?”

“ nah, you’re fine. I didn’t even know how to use the price gun until six months in.”

“ The price gun? Really?”

“yeah the price gun. I’ve got the cuts to prove it.”

He had showed you the palm of his big hand and you had winced at the faded cuts speckling his thumb and index finger.

“ no wonder, you’ve got big fingers. Big fingers aren’t really good for a lot of things,” you’d grimaced.

Reiner had chuckled, “but they are good for the one thing that really counts,”

When I tell you your heart practically flatlined right then and there, and this man had the audacity,

the audacity,

to walk up to a customer, turning back to say, “ come on,it’s not good to stand around,” as if he didn’t just do that.

It was this moment that you decided you would be working at this shoe store for a very long time.

[paracosm-writing]

me trying to convince the scouts that im still on their side when reiner comes back to paradis

[paracosm-writing]

To Tired Writers. To the people out there whose hearts very, very much want to write and work on WIPs, but who are just mentally and physically exhausted right now. It’s okay. It is okay to rest sometimes. Allow yourself time to rest. 

[paracosm-writing]

//

Honestly I think I’m gonna hold off on multi-fics and stick with one shots for now because my mental health hasn’t been the best lately 😔

[paracosm-writing]

𝖎𝖓 𝖛𝖆𝖎𝖓 - Masterpost

Pairing: Reiner Braun x Levi’s Adopted Daughter!Reader

Minor Pairings: hints of Eren x Fem!Reader

Playlist | Original One-Shot | AO3 Link (coming soon)

Synopsis

Reiner Braun sees a series of memories - both breathtaking and harrowing - as a young boy and falls in love with the girl who stars in them. Upon discovering that this girl is you, an Eldian on an island of devils, Reiner vows to save you from the impending doom his memories foretell. But will his efforts be in vain?

-

a story about love in the midst of war, choosing between being a victim or a fighter, seeking what is right or what makes you happy, and fighting against fate.

-

Chapters

𝟘𝟘 - 𝕤𝕒𝕨 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕚𝕟 𝕒 𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞 

DISCLAIMERS/WARNINGS/ETC:  

1.) In this fic, the  Armored Titan has the ability to see future memories. Now why that is will be explained as you read along.

2.) Y/N does have a background of abuse and does have a personality of her own. I wanted her story to be similar to Reiner’s in family dynamics, especially when it comes to his mother and father, but if that is triggering for you, I suggest maybe not reading. 

3.) The story does feature heavy yandere elements later on as well as depictions of stockholm syndrome so if that’s triggering for you, again, please tread cautiously. 

4.) As far as canon, I try to stick as closely to it as possible but when there are gaps in the original story (details that aren’t given) I do take some creative liberties. 

5.) Feedback is very welcome, especially in regards to Reiner’s characterization. I’m still fairly new to fanfiction and I want to be as true to his character as possible. 

If you want to be added to the tag list, feel free to message me!

[paracosm-writing]

00 | "𝕤𝕒𝕨 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕚𝕟 𝕒 𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞"

𝖎𝖓 𝖛𝖆𝖎𝖓 | Reiner Braun

Link to multi-fic masterpost.

Pairing: Reiner Braun x Reader

Word Count - 1.5K

Song – Saw You In A Dream// The Japanese House

Synopsis: Reiner Braun sees a series of memories as a young boy and falls in love with the girl who stars in them. Upon discovering that this girl is you, an Eldian on an island of devils, Reiner vows to save you from the impending doom his memories foretell. But will his efforts be in vain?

TW: slight Yandere! Reiner, angst, Y/N death, toxic/abusive relationships, canon-divergent

A/N: This is so weird to put online after literally daydreaming/brainstorming this plot since last year. Feedback is welcomed and if you want to be added to a taglist just message me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I just wanna know that in the end it was all worth it.

The pain, the agony, the death.

That at the end of it all we can say;

‘It was for the best.’

Do you know…

What I mean?”

You sat in the overgrown grass, sprouting up from green to yellow at the tips. Watching the sun dip low to kiss the earth. From orange to a deep pink that illuminated the faint stars in the afternoon sky. Patiently, eyes welling with tears, waiting for an answer.

Reiner started to speak, compelled to assure you, compelled to tell you;

It was worth every bit.

But he was swept away.

Your eyes shifted, the sun rose in the sky, the breeze rustled past the both of you, and several lifetimes seemed to pass too quickly for Reiner to decipher – stopping in the midst of labor to watch seagulls drifting in the morning sky, you squinting beneath the sun’s gaze.

“I wonder what it’s like,” you murmured. “To have wings like that. They have no idea how lucky they are.”

Reiner reached for you. To tell you something so heavy his heart weighed down his chest but thought against it.

Because in this very moment, you were blissfully unaware and freer than the birds you admired so wistfully.

He envied you. Like the poor envied the rich, with malice and adoration. Love and hate, but love won over and he swept you up in his arms, placed you on his shoulders and told you to fly. Your rambunctious laughter echoed for miles.

Never had he wanted to live in someone’s laugh, falling and falling into a bed full of wildflowers.

He flipped the pages of an old, ancient book, the brittle parchment hissing with every turn. Your index finger rested on a drawing of a flower that filled a whole page, dirt and bits of flower petals embedded under your fingernails. And you protested about there not being enough flowers, and pronounced ‘red dahlia’ all wrong, and he started to tell you something.

Something that weighed on his heart but he could not remember.

Only one thought he could recall; that if he said anything, he would surrender such a precious moment.

Instead, he basked in your smile as warm as the noonday sun as you rode horses out on an open field.

He was a yard ahead of you and your warm, frustrated smile twisted his insides like the sharp end of a bayonet. The pain made him yearn for something, excitement like he had never known searing through his entire body like a hot iron.

“It’s not fair, you’re so good at everything,” you whined but you were still smiling so fondly.

No one had ever smiled at him in such a way and he wanted to – owed it to you – to say something.

Yet before he could speak you lied underneath a night sky and wondered aloud, “If I need you, will you know? Will you always come and find me?” Voice so small, as if even the slightest reprimand would make you shrivel up and disappear.

He had the urge to tell you you could scream for him in your thoughts and he would still hear you.

He would fight like hell to get to you.

And he needed to tell you something.

But your eyes were on his for the last time. Glassy and afraid. Staring up at him as you breathed your last breath, cradled in his arms, the last pleas for your life on your lips. Blood soaked his clothes. Marred your face.

He had not come to get you, and it hadn’t been worth It in the end.

“Protect her,” someone screamed a strangled cry in the distance. “You just had to protect her-“

“I will protect her!” He shouted back, rage and grief pulsing through him. Lifting him up from his surroundings until all he could see was red. The color of your blood. Your tears. In the blood that seeped from his hand as he bit down hard--

And he awoke with a sob, sitting upright so quickly his head spun and black splotches filled his vision. His heart raced in his chest, and his breath ran from him. As if to find where you might lay, hollow and unmoving, and fill you up again.

He desperately tried to untangle himself from his covers, trying to get to you. To protect you so your eyes would always be alive with wonder and your smile would always be warm.

Reiner managed to get free and stumble on to the cold, wooden floor, heart galloping so loudly with fear that he heard it in his ears.

His mother, Karina, found him. Crawling in vain, tears streaming down his face, muttering to himself about a girl he’d saw in a dream.

“There, there, Reiner,” she had cooed, taking her son in her arms. “It was just a bad dream.”

“But-but,” Reiner managed, your dead, lifeless eyes engraved in his mind. “It was, like, I saw her. In a memory.”

Still, Karina ruffled his hair, holding him close. “When you become a warrior, you’ll never have to worry about someone getting hurt ever again. Your father will come back to us, and we’ll finally be a family. And no one will want to hurt us because they will finally understand we are good Eldian people,

You must protect us, Reiner.

From those island devils.

It’ll all be worth it in the end, you’ll see.”

When Reiner enrolled in the Warrior program, he thought of that dream. The one he’d had the night before enrollment and he imagined he was coming to you, the strange girl in the dream, to tell you he was a warrior.

Would that keep you smiling that warm smile that reached your eyes as if your whole body was alight? A smile not even his mother could muster from bearing the weight of his ancestors’ sins?

Would it keep you alive?

Then he felt embarrassed, ashamed even, that he was considering a silly dream.

And ran into the depths of his future.

➳

Meanwhile, across the sea, in a meadow field in Shigashina, you watched your mother close the storybook in her hands as she finished her last sentence.

“Thus, the knight defeated the dragon, rescued the princess, and they lived happily ever after. What a nice fairytale, isn’t it, y/n?”

Usually, you liked hearing your mother read her fairytales but that morning you couldn’t ignore the dark circles under your mother’s eyes and the bruise she hid with the sweep of her hair. With every passing day since your mother had remarried – no, even further than that, since your father had gone on a scouting expedition and never came back, you were reminded more and more that fairytales were not real.

You considered the titans outside the walls, waiting to devour humanity, and your mother waiting for your stepfather to change and wished aloud, “I wish I was a knight and then I could rescue us and we’d live happily ever after.”

Your mother had gasped, stricken-faced and speechless.

Before snatching your hands into hers and holding you steady. “Y/N L/N, you take that back right now. There is nothing wrong with the way we live. We could be in an even worse position without your father, you hear me?”

You started to protest, but she didn’t give you a moment to speak.

“Would you rather us live in the Underground? With no one to protect us? Because that’s what would have happened if he hadn’t shown us kindness. Are you really that ungrateful?”

She clutched your hands so harshly that you were brought to tears, before guiltily loosening her grip and pulling you into her arms. Her sobs reverberated against the small of your back as she buried her face into your eight-year-old frame.

“It’ll all work out in the end, baby,” she whispered as if she were convincing herself. “I promise.”

Laying in bed that night, you selfishly dreamed that there was a knight coming to save you. To tear down the infrastructure of your small little house in Shigashina. He’d run a sword through your enemies. He’d shield you from the titans. He’d reach for your hand, pull you out of the cold rubble of your home and he would take you away.

Somewhere far where no titans roamed the land and you ran free beneath the pretty birds that soared the blue skies.

But then the dream turned into a nightmare, the knight into a monster, who scooped you up in his large hand and swallowed you whole.

You woke up with a start as you were falling into the abyss but did not cry.

Instead, you looked out your window, waiting for the sun to rise high and kiss the sky. And you decided even if your knight was a titan, it would still be worth it all if you could get free.

[paracosm-writing]

Wow wow wow 😭

What amazing work!

reiner braun, f!reader

warnings: general season two to season four spoilers, mentions of death, blood, scars, lowercase intended, angst.

words from mao: i haven’t proofread this. if you see errors, no you don’t. hELPJSJSSJ ++ hope you like this reiner shot.

weak━ that’s what you were.

reiner believed you’d make a fine snack for a titan.

he remembered how he’d watch you push yourself past your limits to match everyone else’s pace. you had always earned the most cuts, the most bruises, and yet, you wore them all with pride. with a clear goal in mind, each scar engraved into your skin were milestones. pitiful, really. nothing seemed to break your spirit, and it made him sick to his stomach.

perhaps, it was because you reminded him of himself? the weak link. while everyone excelled in skills, his drive was the only thing keeping him in the competition. some people never know when to give up━ some people like you and him.

selfish, ignorant or just plain stupid.

reiner didn’t know the perfect term to describe you. perhaps, all three? after what all you’ve seen, you still continued to wear a smile bright enough to rival the sun. a disgusting sight, because a devil like you don’t deserve to smile, and yet, he found himself utterly captivated. you managed to worm into his heart, have him play into your palm and wrap a finger around him. truly, the devil’s work.

“what do you think a person’s biggest sin could be?” you wondered aloud.

he recalled spending numerous nights under the stars with you. like arlert’s obsession with the ocean, you were obsessed with the heavens. you shared your hopes and dreams in hushed voices, drowning in each other’s warmth. he loved listening to you. he loved listening to your voice. he allowed you to ramble on, nodding along to each word spilling from your plush tiers.

“forget it,” you snorted, falling back into the grass. “it’s a stupid question.”

it was━ or perhaps, he was stupid for not having an answer at the time? following in pursuit, he laid next to you. a person’s biggest sin? he couldn’t help but wonder too. feeling you rest your head against his shoulder, he would freeze.

“can we stay like this a little longer?” you pleaded.

though, you didn’t have to.

reiner could never say no to you.

he remembered the concern painted on bertholdt’s visage. he was right. they were warriors, and he seemed to have lost sight of their goal. the pain you wore made his heart ache, the hand you held out for him made him nauseous. did you expect him to take it or was it your blind hope? selfishness? ignorance? perhaps, your stupidity?

he pushed it away━ he pushed you away.

“it’s okay,” a melancholic smile tugged at the corners of your margins. “all you need to do is explain, and they’ll understand.”

at that point, you were spewing none sense. who’ll understand? after what he and bertholdt did, who would understand? no one. in fact, why would he need to explain himself? they were devils. they deserved all this. they must atone for their ancestors’ sins.

you must atone for your ancestors’ sins.

with his blade digging into your abdomen, you reached out to caress his cheek. even on the brink of death, you still wore a smile bright enough to rival the sun. even on the brink of death, your spirit still remained unbreakable. he found himself leaning into your touch, his heart shattering into a million pieces.

he had to do what he had done.

“i forgive you,” you croaked out, and he watched your form grow weaker. “i forgive you,” you repeated, wiping away the stray tear that had rolled down his cheek before falling limp.

reiner sighed, shaking his head to rid the memory that haunted him each night. pools of hazel fixed on gabi and falco, he watched his cousin flip the blonde over her shoulder. he shouldn’t feel guilty. yes, he wasn’t in the wrong. you were destined to die a gruesome death. it was the price you had to pay. why should he ever feel guilty?

he recalled your question about what he thought a person’s biggest sin could be? finally, he had his answer.

a person’s biggest sin could be being born an eldian━ no, scratch that. it would be being a born an eldian in the island of devils.

like you.

that was your biggest sin.

but he forgives you.