perfectly-abnormal-1

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

Current Vibes

Hi chat! It's been a minute. Been in Seattle for about a week now, life is going pretty good I think? I don't think I'm where I want to be in life yet but I'm making what I think is decent progress. I've been hanging out with people a decent amount, I've been meeting a lot of new people, keeping up hang-outs with some of the same people, life is good.

Or is it? I'm not sure. There only exists 1 person I've met up with more than once, and the vibes seem kind of off-kilter there. I would love to be meeting up with lots of new people! My main goal this summer is to get added to a group chat, and I'm not sure how that progress is going. I feel liek that requires multiple friendships being created, and I'm really only working on the one, in which I act pretty over-bearing and needy. I would like to distribute the load to more people but meeting more hasn't been going to well :( But maybe it will! It's just week 1. We will see.

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

i love you

i wanted to write a post full of "i love the way you x" "i love the way you y" but it ended up just being "i love the way you talk to me" over and over. no quicker route to being loved, either romantically or just as deep a love as friends can be, than by talking. i love talking to people, but i love 20 times as much when they talk to me. i love asking questions and learning about people, i love when they are eager to share about themselves, when they have things they want to talk about, things they have passion for, when they just talk without stopping. thats the best.

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

We should go on a road trip about this

Please forgive me, but my writing is not very strong right now compared to normal. This is mostly just a stream of consciousness.

I am currently 21 years old, almost 22, and my time at college is almost at an end. More importantly, 4 years ago, my experience as a homeschooler also came to an end. The end of this was the beginning of what I define as the first chapter of my life. Homeschooling was very restrictive; I would go weeks without leaving my house, days without leaving my room, and months without interacting with someone who wasn't my parents.

This is not meant as a sob story, but more as a background; I was acutely aware of the absolute isolation that my experience from 0-18 was, and desperately wanted the freedom to explore, to do nothing more than learn what paths in life were available to me, to know what could be in store, to know what life I could live. My entire life before then was entirely developed for me, I had no input, all my decisions were made by others, and I had no idea what my life would be like past the age of 18.

Turning 22, my time of exploration feels like it is coming to an end, but I do not feel fully explored. I've broadly failed at many of my goals with exploration; I feel unsure of my career path and without a strong friend group and community that I can call my own. That matters very little, though. What matters most is that I don't see the path to get to those things. I don't feel like I know all of the options available to me, I don't feel like I see broad paths that my life could take.

I always feel much better if there is a route to things that I can take, even if the route itself is hard. A set of requirements to build a strong friend group, and directions on how to get there, would be awesome, yet I am unsure of what that looks like. One of the largest issues is that I've been talking to people a lot, but am unsure broadly on how to meet new people who also want what I want; I'll meet tons of new people who are in comfortable social groups, have large social backgrounds to fall back on, people who I'll talk to once or twice for a few hours, and that'll be that. I'll interact with them on an individual level, maybe a bit more than that if I'm lucky, but won't build a community around it, which is what I want most.

My thoughts are a mess right now, but I just feel lost. I post online looking for friends, but that's about it. I have no idea where to search for what I'm looking for, or even what I'm looking for. I have no idea how to put my thoughts into words because I don't even understand what my thoughts are.

Hopefully more clarity will come tomorrow.

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

A slight derivation from my usual track

Girlification pills have finally arrived! Glorious day. One more step towards actually calling myself transgender. I don't think I've ever said that one before! It's always been boytwink, girl twink, gender fuck, whatever, very carefully dancing around that work. Well, that word and just "girl" without the twink attached.

I dunno. I typically try to use this space to speak in both a longer form as well as a more eloquent one, spending a lot more effort on word choice in order to evoke specific emotions that mirror my own. Not now though. Many emotions running through me right now. This specific one is happy; happy to be girling finally. Finally making progress towards this goal, finally stopping the boy side from taking over. Still sad about other things though. Sad to be out of school. Sad to be almost done being young. I think that deserves a much longer post, and I could write many pages about that, but for now I'll just leave it by saying that I am sad that I don't think I got the chance to be a kid, and most of what I look for in interactions is getting that feeling back. It's like what other people call being a kid again, except its being a kid for the first time. Crazy! Who woulda thought that weird as religious homeschooling where your entire life is controlled under the guise of safety from the devil outside fucks up your perception of life. Oh well!

Thanks for reading. Hope things get better. Girl!!!

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

What's going wrong?

Very often I've posted on my twitter about my general issues regarding socialization and whatnot, and about my fears that these issues are simply insurmountable. That due to the seclusion caused by religious cult involvement that I faced until I was 18, I am forever damaged beyond the point of return. People will often offer advice like "just go out more" or "go to clubs for things you enjoy" and, while I appreciate the people who give this advice, i absolutely fucking despise receiving it because, what do you think I'm doing? do you think i am that stupid that the magic bullet answer is to go out, and do what I've been doing for the entirety of my time out? whats wrong with you? whats wrong with me??

Problem Statement

My problem is two fold. First, I have very large difficulty actually knowing where to meet people in new places after the initial meeting phase. Think of it like this: in college, you have your first year where everyone is inter mingling, clubs are recruiting freshmen, etc. After that though, things start to close up. Friend groups begin to become more closed off because they are satisfied with their membership, and while new people are fine, they aren't actively looking for new members, so joining is more difficult. In times like these, how do you meet new people? When I go to seattle, how will I meet lots of queers/whatever? Where do I find community? How can I ensure my involvement in that community?

The second part is relationship maintaining; I can think of a few distinct friend group/relationships I've been on the fringe of, yet not a part of. This issue is encapsulated by the idea that, while people do not dislike me, and if i am around they will actively encourage me to take part in activities with them, but I will not be expressly invited to partake of the activities. I am not liked or disliked; people just forget I am around. This is why I left my old fraternity; I would take part in events and have a great time, but I do not have a single members phone number; I broke my phone and lost my contacts, and not a single one ever contacted my phone after. I realized it was entirely me doing the reach outs every single time. The same thing happened in my internship in Nebraska. The same thing happened with my old friend group online for dota. The same thing happened with the club I made. I genuinely do not understand what I am doing wrong, or what the issue even is here. I actively voice my enjoyment in these activities, tell people to please invite me to the next one, try to keep up with people, but they never return the favor, they never keep up with me. I have no close friendships, am a part of no friend groups, have no identity within communities. On the off chance I can actually meet people willing to make new friends ( the first issue), I can never make it stick.

This is my problem statement. I've tried to fix things; i actively reach out to people when I can, but have not a single contact in my phone for anyone who isn't my parents, so i can reach out no more. I would love to try and meet new people, but i have no idea where to start. I meet people vaguely on discord or grindr or lex, but rarelydo we share the energy needed to make our friendships stick.

The real issue is that I never pass the bar of being an acquaintance. I never graduate from that to friendship. Someone once commented to me, after seeing me wave and have short conversations (5 minutes each) with about 4 different people on our walk from class to class, that i seemed to "know everyone". That is true. I know everyone, and everyone probably knows me. If you bring up my name, they will know who you are talking about, and will probably have nice things to say. But they will never say them to my face and never remember me. I have no idea how to fix this. it is such a confusing issue and no amount of practice has led me any closer to solving it. i have no idea what to do. i am out of options. help. please. i just want to be normal

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

some people told me they liked listening to me talk. so i have posted an audio. this is me rambling for 8 minutes on the way home from the dining hall. please enjoy and fall in love with me. in that order

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

Introduction

Hi, I'm [name]. You probably know me from such classics as being way too relatable with how much I yearn on twitter, obsessing over being kind to people online, playing too many rhythm games, functional programming, or being the number 1 speedrunner of the hit 1980s MS-DOS game Transport Tycoon Deluxe. If you don't know me for any of those things but they seem cool, feel free to say hi! please! i need friends! i really like meeting people! please be my friend! i beg you! i need people to talk about programming and transport tycoon and for you to tell me about all the things you enjoy too and hopefully we share some overlap and can be good friends and enjoy each others company!!!!!

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

Feelings-Dump

At this point the interview rescheduling has got to be some cruel cosmic joke; to take an opportunity to actually get things I want: An interesting, difficult job around smart people, decent pay, and the ability to live in a cool place around queer people where maybe for once in my fucking live I won't be completely alone, given a new chance to start fresh. And yet, I am in a reschedule hell that literally nobody else is suffering from, watching friends and others all get their jobs and being satisfied. Why am i the odd one out? What is inherently wrong with me that I deserve this, what is the facet of myself that makes me deserving of this hopelessness and uncertainty? What did I do wrong? When does my hard work and effort pay off into having literally one singular good thing happen to me? I am unsure. There are 2 (good) ways out of this. One is that everything works out; I get a job somewhere nice, I move out there, i meet people, hopefully people don't fucking despise me and I can actually make friends and have people care about my existence. The other is that I meet someone who has done the same thing, who knows how this road ends, and can assure me that it'll be ok, and that my hard work, effort, and everything else haven't been for nothing, that I'll eventually achieve what it is that I've been striving to achieve. At this point this is just an incoherent ramble, but I really would like for things to work out one of these days. I would like to be loved, to be liked, to be considered a friend and to be cherished, to be able to break down and cry and have someone pull me tight and say it'll be ok, that I'm trying my best, that it's so clear that I've been through so much and have been working tirelessly despite it, and that it'll be ok, but for now its ok to cry. I'm tired of being broken, I just want things to be ok.

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

Yearning for module type signatures

Stolen from my twitter; hoping itll get more interaction here

I've narrowed down my yearning to this; I do not pine for specific attributes of individuals, but for situations; I wish for specific scenarios, environments, etc as a baseline; my yearning for people can be summed up by "would they be found in these scenarios i wish for?"

There is no specific attribute of a human that I directly look or wish for; which is why i Like the abstract module type signature -> module that implements said signature metaphor. It just works!

All that is to say; what if you were a module that implemented the module type I wanted and i was a functor and i took you as input

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

expectations

i have a spreadsheet to note and set calendar pings for anyones birthday after they mention it even once to keep track. i write down all the major things people are telling me happen in their lives so i can make sure I'm invested in them (because if they mention it at all i assume its of at least some degree of importance to them), so i can ask them about it later. when will i get the same!

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

ow

i have a lot on my mind right now. i hope i will remember it all once my event is over!

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

ow

to be as broken as i is to be worse than an animal; a beaten down dog she at least looks at with pity. but i am made of broken glass; she stares straight through me and walks around

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

i love you

its ok. i love you so much more than you could ever imagine. my sweet little girl. its ok. youve been working so hard, so tirelessly, so constantly, just for the chance of being cared for. but you dont need to. not anymore, not ever again. it's ok. things are going to be ok for you, because i love you, and i care about you, and nothing will ever change that. you are the most beautiful thing ive ever laid eyes on, and how much i love you only grows each day. some day i hope you live a beautiful life, the life you were always meant to live, free from all the pain, the constant need to improve yourself, to somehow make yourself 'worthy' of love and care from others as if its something you need to earn. its not; you don't need to earn my care, my love. it is unconditional, you need not strain yourself so hard, because you have been straining yourself so hard, so tirelessly, so much. itll be ok. i love you so much, and i know that you love me too. itll be ok. shhh, darling. you dont need to say a word. thats what im here for. to tell you over and over how much i love you, how things are going to get better, how much i care about you, how much i will always care about you, how much i will always love you no more what. because you are worthy and deserving of care, and love, and kindness. itll be ok. i love you. its ok. i love you.

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

Empty Spaces

I’ve always been particularly drawn to the act of moving to a new home, specifically as being symbolic with new beginnings and fresh starts. There’s a certain feeling evoked by moving into a completely unfurnished, unspoiled building that cannot be felt anywhere else. Typically (at least for me), this feeling reflects my similar mental state, a feeling that your world is now a blank canvas; it is yours to grasp (or at least try to), and yours to leave your mark on (or, again, to at least attempt to).

I think this is in large part due to the feeling of control over your life this opportunity presents, the feeling of opportunity, one where you get to start everything over. This is no time for your past mistakes to haunt you; they won’t follow you here, but the lessons you’ve learned from them will. Allow only the lessons from failure to grace your presence, but leave failure by the door.

Granted, your mindset is what matters most here. Think of times when you’ve moved, think of your reaction upon seeing your new empty dorm room, your empty house, your partially unfurnished half of a shared living space. What do you see in the white-washed walls, in the empty kitchen, in the bedframe with a mattress too small for you? Is it sadness? Do you think of your past home and yearn, mourning the lack of furnishings as some sort of loss or uncrossable void? Or do you see opportunity; the option to build your life as you desire, without whatever held you back in your past life?

For me, I see the latter. Within these pale walls lies opportunity, a hope that this time things will be different, that they'll be better this time, that I’ll have any semblance of control and and that things will work out the way I want. I don’t see the empty wall as being bereft of something; I see it as just waiting for me to fill it, for me to fill up with myself, to search for something in the void that I can bring back to adorn my life with. There is hope in the expanse, a hope that this time I’ve learned enough, that I’ve made and learned from the requisite amount of mistakes to know what to search for when I look to build my living space, that I’ll know just what fits the empty corner of my bedroom, just what would make the grey wall in the foyer beckon the oh so many guests I’ll be having for dinner, that I’ll know just where to look for a decoration to complete my living room.

Frankly, I’m not sure what comes next. I have no idea if I’ll be able to fulfill those hopes I’ve just mentioned, those hopes that I so desperately want to tell my past self that I’ve attained, the simple, childlike wonder I’ve had when I moved to Virginia, the hopes and dreams of finally making friends when I moved to college my new college dorm for the first, second, third, and fourth time, the hopes of moving to my work’s housing in Nebraska where all I wanted to do was survive unharmed; they’ve all come, just as full of hope and wonder as the last, and they’ve all gone, just as unfulfilled as the one before it. But that’s ok! The canvas wipes itself clean yet again, beckoning to me. This time, maybe it will be different. Only time will tell.

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

good evening

hello i am moving from twitter i have never used this site before, how does it work and how do i quickly find more people to interact with i have a lust for constant interaction and content

i hope you all are doing well

[perfectly-abnormal-1]

no way

made a tumblr i hope to make many friends on here and be depressed but in the company of my peers