persimmon-combucha

[persimmon-combucha]

Rebecca Ross, Ruthless Vows

[persimmon-combucha]

Rachel Mennies

[persimmon-combucha]

But love is always selfish, even if just a little bit, is it not?

[persimmon-combucha]

On earth we're briefly gorgeous by Ocean Vuong

[persimmon-combucha]

A dormant volcano, that is what I am with all the suppressed love that begs to erupt and bury you under, bones burnt to ashes

[persimmon-combucha]

[looks for you in everything] [finds you there]

[persimmon-combucha]

One blanket not nearly enough to compensate the cold emptiness of the bed you left for me. Two is almost warm and heavy enough to pretend that I'm not alone.

[persimmon-combucha]

sevdaliza !!

[persimmon-combucha]

To me

You are a breath of fresh air,

My first thought in the morning.

You haunt my dreams;

Those in which you let go of my hand

Are the most terrifying nightmares,

And the ones where you hold it

Make me smile like a fool, waking.

I'd keep both,

Just to see you every night.

[persimmon-combucha]

When I thought about the name for this blog, the first thing that came to my mind was my first love's name.

We were so young, and she was too mature for her age. She told me that people change, and people grow apart, and that's okay. One day we did. She never knew I loved her.

Some time has passed, I tried to reconnect, but we were not the same. The people we were then, they were different, she was right. And those people didn't have much in common.

I still miss her.

[persimmon-combucha]

I despise myself for having negative emotions, so much that I sometimes can't understand if I actually don't feel them or if the negative ones are just deeply repressed.

I dislike my town and I hate not being able to hate it enough to leave everything and run. It used to have only one decent coffee shop, but now there's several and I'm pissed off because I can't be grumpy about it. The people are rotten but the thought that there are rotten people and good people everywhere keeps me from hating everyone. It's almost like not being able to scream in your dreams, when you open your mouth terrified or enraged but only the air comes out, only silence follows.

Silence is the most delightful sound. Silence is the most terrifying sound for a human ear. I'm looking forward to every time my housemates are out, longing for a minute of silence, and as soon as they leave I start filling this silence with sound. I'm humming, singing, reciting poems. I tried to scream but the sound comes off repressed, as if I'm still not comfortable enough with the company of myself.

I don't know if the love that I feel for this place is genuine or if it's just the feeling of being comfortable. Unchanged. Familiar. They say leave your comfort bubble, step out, do the things you are afraid of. Do it scared. But what if the world just keeps you in place, doesn't let you move? What if I step out and have to finish what I started. Running away. The sole thought of it makes me feel sick at the stomach. I hate being attached to comfort as fiercely as I love being comfortable.

I'm scared of getting used to something, places and people, enough to stop appreciating how precious it feels and begin noticing annoying and mundane things. I'm so scared of getting too close to people and losing the spark of mystery that lights up their image in my head. I'm scared of them losing interest in me. I'm so scared of them leaving, god. Because they always do.

So I'm trying to be always cheerful and understanding. Forgiving. Grateful and humble, burning inside.

Thank you for reaching this point!

The reason why I started this blog is, I can't let myself being sad on main, and I hope you understand and maybe see yourself in some of my silly journal entries.

Pretty divider credits: @saradika 🥀

[persimmon-combucha]

Corgarff Castle, Corgaff, Aberdeenshire, North-East Scotland,

Credit: Mysterious

[persimmon-combucha]

A Conversation with Richard Siken by Thomas Hobohm

[persimmon-combucha]

Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings