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12 Days until my life begins

     In 12 days I am going to be taking my first breath; finally emerging into the world from within the tepid womb of my own disquietude. 

Yeah, yeah, I know - waaaaay to melodramatic. But that’s really how I feel. 

     I feel as if the last 20 years of my life have been a gestation period. A safe, but maybe a bit to isolated, place where I was steeping like a well brewed tea just waiting until I was perfectly ready. It’s something I used to feel bitter about, an intense feeling of anger and confusion tinged with depression was a steady placeholder for a large part of my childhood and teens. I don't think I was able to even recognize these feelings within myself until my late teens, and I struggled with them even once I came to terms with them. At many points I believed that it would never really get much better, and I would always have this secluded sort of pitiful life with no one to share my little joys with. 

     I was always a very happy person, even when at my lowest I found little things to bring me joy. What caused me the most grief was the fact that I felt alone. I loved my family, but still, I felt an intense loss within myself; as if I had once had whatever I felt was missing but lost it at some point. It was as if I knew exactly what I was missing, but at the same time had no clue. Now I know what the thing I felt I needed was love, not a familial love that is bound by blood ties, but the kind love you have when someone chooses to love you.    

     I went through a brief period of thinking that I could only find that love in a romantic relationship ( and if I'm being honest it wasn't that long ago). But recently I‘ve realized that I want even more to have the love of friendship, where boundaries cross and it’s difficult to say if you’re family, friends or share the same brain. I have not found that sort of love yet, I've come close a few times, or at least thought I did, but I’m still waiting. 

     There is still one kind of love that sits above all others. I think you know what that is, deep down. Self-love, as cheesy at is sounds is something that everybody needs to feel complete. I thought I had self love for a very long time, but I was only lying to myself. I was too critical of my self, in body, mind and everything. I think I even hated myself little bit, though I would never admit it. I don't know why exactly I did, maybe it was society, maybe it was my brain chemistry. But I know that however hard I worked on it, I could not bring myself to let go of the resentment that I felt towards myself. 

     Now, bringing it back to the title of this post, very recently I began to feel an acceptance of myself begin to bloom. It was something unexpected, but extremely welcome nonetheless. I felt as if a switch had been flicked, out of the blue I looked at myself and though, “I am amazing, why did I hate myself”. But, although it feels instantaneous, I believe I've been working towards this for a very long time. I always felt like my effort were going nowhere, but this goes to show that they were slowly building up inside of me climbing closer towards the surface each day that passed.

     So, in 12 days I will moving across the globe for a year and it seems to me that It couldn't be happening at a better time. Honestly I'm not sure if this new self- love I'm feeling just happens to be coinciding with this huge milestone, or if this new adventure is paving a path for it. But frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn

[perusing-prague-blog]

33 Days Until Lift-Off

     I’ve been sitting here for an hour, unable to sleep or focus on anything other than the fact that I’ll be moving to Europe for a year, in around 5 weeks - or to be more precise 4.7 weeks, (I did the math). I have been waiting for this day for oh so very long now, and the closer it comes the more freaked out I get. Don't get me wrong, I am PUMPED to be studying abroad in Prague for 11 months, but I will be going into this blind. I can't know what to expect from this, and that  really freaks me out, but it’s also what makes me feel like I'm finally ALIVE. 

     My whole life I've been a planner, the sort of girl who wrote lists, reveled in them even. I used to fill notebooks and legal pads with lists for every situation imaginable, 3 To-Do lists a day, lists of my next meals, the books I was going to read, the hobbies I’d pick up (I mean seriously, I could burn through an entire legal pad in two weeks). But let me tell you what, around 60% of the stuff on those lists never made it out of those blue lined pages. I always thought I was the type A sort of person, someone who needed lists and itineraries and planning. But as it turns out I was probably wrong, since I never got anything done with my lists anyways. 

     So, something I'm trying now is to live life without lists, leave myself open to new experiences and opportunities that arise once I just let myself just breath for a moment. Yes, I will be studying abroad in Prague for a year, taking my first flight EVER to get there (an 8 hour International flight - that crosses several date lines, mind you) and I am absolutely terrified. But I’m not afraid and I'm not doubting the decisions that led up to this, and that’s the sort of progress that I hope to keep building on. That’s the sort of progress that will get me to where I want to be in life, even if I don't really know where on earth that is. 

     So, although I get major butterflies every time I think about how much closer September 1st gets each morning, I’m letting them fly free instead of feeling the need to cage them up and count them.