phoenix-feathers

[phoenix-feathers]

Life was not kind to you

It did not caress your face gently or sing you to sleep

It did not grasp your fingers as you navigated the deep

It was something of a massacre

A battlefield of defeat

A weeping in the distance

An anchor tied to feet

I hope that death has greeted you softly

With a kiss on the forehead and a heart that’s complete

I hope you’re swimming through the stars alongside the man of your dreams

I hope that loneliness has left you

And the horrors are out of reach

Life may not have been a friend

Death may be your peace

rest in peace, mom.

9.14.1964 - 5.19.2025

[phoenix-feathers]

The Daughter That Will Never Be

I’ve given one million reasons why I do not want children of my own

Valid, thoughtful reasons that remain true

Yet deep down I believe there is one core reason

I do not want to have a child

And her end up being a daughter

And going through all of the torture that I endured as a girl

As a woman

The pain of simply existing

I fear I could never fully break free from the generational trauma and

It would seep into her like liquid gold

Then turn into sludge and muddle her blood

And leave her frozen in the snow

Forever alone

Always cold

[phoenix-feathers]

Planting seeds.

Planting me.

Filling cups.

Grinding teeth.

Watching the water run off of my feet.

I jumped in the river,

now I’m floating upstream.

There’s a crack in the mold,

a monster in the sheets.

I sent them all back to where they belong,

came to see I am the man of my dreams.

Fell from the stars,

but I conquered the deep.

Silent no more,

my truth I will speak.

Written in blood,

my soul I have freed.

[phoenix-feathers]

Hungry eyes devour with delight

They operate without permission and the instant they catch a glimpse of shine or magic or quiet power,

they pounce before you can look away

The less you cooperate the hungrier they become

And starved eyes are too big for their stomachs

They tear their prey apart mercilessly

Leaving nothing but the bones

[phoenix-feathers]

SAFEWORD | HALSEY

[phoenix-feathers]

[phoenix-feathers]

Sissy by Risa Mehmet

[phoenix-feathers]

[phoenix-feathers]

I lost over 100 poems

Thousands of words

Hours of digging through the corpses of my old selves and tending to the garden of my new one

Erased forever

A brief blade to the chest

The knowing that nothing is ever really lost once it has been created

The faith that it all happens with a higher purpose at play

I’ve let go of so much already

What’s a few thousand more losses

That girl is already dead

[phoenix-feathers]

[phoenix-feathers]

[phoenix-feathers]

Natural Born Freak

I think I’m cursed

That I was sacrificed at birth

Scorched into ashes and resurrected from dirt

Served on an ice cold platter for dessert

Abandoned on some random corner of the Earth

I think that an audience is watching me on a screen

That I’m here for amusement

They’re all laughing while I bleed

My spirit has been broken

But I’ve sold out every seat

I’m a prop

a jester

a natural born freak

I think when incarnating I took a misstep

Landed on the wrong timeline

I’m way out of my depth

They’re not convinced I’m human

I’ve got no more masks left

This existence is consuming me

God’s foot is on my neck

[phoenix-feathers]

[phoenix-feathers]

When Antov Chekov said:

"I may not have amazing victories but I can amaze you with the defeats that I came out of alive."

[phoenix-feathers]

[phoenix-feathers]

Black Holes

I have been battling with crippling loneliness and I am failing to see an end in sight.

This is the kind of beast that strangles all of the spirit and joy out of you, laughing directly in your face as it carries out the act.

This is a slow and brutal death and I can’t help but question, at what point does it consume me entirely?

At what point does it win?

They say you attract what you are, so am I nothing?

They say you attract what you are, but what I know to be truer is that light attracts dark.

And I have been setting fire to black holes my entire life.

[phoenix-feathers]

Locket

he always had his head hanging low

eyes glued to the carpet,

one foot out the door

kept the tears bottled in

so they’d seep out his pores

good bones,

but a shattered heart he couldn’t afford

so I cut it out,

stuffed his face in a locket

locked up his memory,

the key in my pocket

I gave him everything,

my soul

and he lost it

so I travel onward,

an infamous prophet