phyrexianphamily - Tumblr blog

[phyrexianphamily]

Would you like know why I hate newtdays, Elesh? Would you? When you grow up as a blue creature, nobody shows up to your party. Newtdays are a constant reminder that out of the Bay, I'm just a scary, good-for-nothing... nerd. Yeah. But nothing compares to having the one sibling, the one sibling I thought I could trust... stab me in the back.

Jin-Gitaxias (waving his torn arm) to Elesh Norn, March of the Machine

[phyrexianphamily]

Malcator, I was curious of your relationship with Elesh Norn and Vorinclex. You seem very strongly allied with Jin-Gitaxias with your work in his sphere and was also curious if you had any insight to the dynamics between those three praetors, since you are in contact with at least Norn and Gitaxias.

I may be in contact with Norn, but I hardly work under her, as much as she may pretend to hold sway over the march of Progress. I was chosen by Jin-Gitaxias to ensure our faction's adherence to the Gitaxian Standards of Purity, and it is a station I hold with utmost seriousness.

Jin-Gitaxias and Elesh Norn have what may generously be called a "business relationship." Toward that group of fanatics, our Progress Engine has for now adopted a stance of strategic tolerance. Let Norn and her worshippers stumble blindly toward a future that shall never be theirs, and let them believe us their servants for now. Though our current position is less than optimal, the Progress Engine will at least pick up the remnants of their failure and refine them into tools of synthesis.

Now, Vorinclex...

There is no good place to start. Under Norn we are nominally allies, but Jin-Gitaxias and Vorinclex have... history. Centuries of it. Suffice to say the slobberings of Vorinclex's beasts are just as painful to witness as Norn's dogma, though Jin-Gitaxias certainly pursues factional relations with a greater degree of enthusiasm. It is not my place to determine if this bodes well.

-Malcator

[phyrexianphamily]

Hello Tamiyo. If you're watching this tape, it can only mean one thing: I'm dead, and our noble campaign to bring perfection to the Multiverse has failed, utterly and completely. But on the other hand, heck, maybe we won and right now, I'm on some jumbo monitor in the Jin-Gitaxias Museum, surrounded by a bunch of newts sitting cross-legged and looking up at my face filled with wonder. [Lets out a little laugh] Hi kids! [Becomes serious again] But the realist in me tends to doubt it.

Jin-Gitaxias to Tamiyo, following March of the Machine

[phyrexianphamily]

Jin-Gitaxias: We slipped into the other planes, all quiet like...

Vorinclex: Like a fish.

Jin-Gitaxias: Yes, and then... (Beat) Like a fish? You stupid Norbert.

[phyrexianphamily]

Do you guys ever think about Elspeth?

Elesh Norn during a celebration at the Fair Basilica, following her encounter with Ashiok

[phyrexianphamily]

Jin-Gitaxias, sir? Ward 146 of the Surgical Bay has reported a loss of about 4,000 pounds of high-grade steel overnight. They're suspecting sabotage, potentially thieves. All security footage was blinded due to repeated- and frequent- uses of something akin to a flashbang. Investigative teams have reported heavy uses of acid and force. Do you have any idea who the perpetrator might be?

(He hisses, his eyes flaring an angry blue.) Flashbangs? Those security eyestalks you are holding—are they melted? A display of sabotage utterly lacking in subtlety. A sloppy execution befitting the likes of Urabrask, or even Vorinclex, if our equipment was corroded by the foul digestive juices you describe. The perpetrator will doubtlessly be caught by our auguries–I expect you have already put your subordinates to work on the task.

And to think my exarchs had just implanted some much-needed sense into the mind of the chancellor of furnace sector 702, from which the shipment originated. What a waste.

The thieves will be dismantled and the shipment returned to the Progress Engine promptly. Back to your station, now. Expect a replacement for your eyestalks tomorrow. Your vigilance remains an asset.

-J

Good luck with that.

-U

[phyrexianphamily]

Jin-Gitaxias: Elesh, if you have a complaint, I suggest you submit it through our network system. I'd be happy to refer you to our overseers.

Elesh Norn: I was told that the Praetor I'd be meeting with was very careful. A cautious one. I believe we are alike in that way. If you are who I think you are, you should give me another chance.

[Jin-Gitaxias' expression doesn't change but his voice subtly does.]

Jin-Gitaxias: I don't think we're alike at all, sister. You are not a cautious Praetor at all. Your angel was late. And she was high.

[phyrexianphamily]

We know that, and we love you.

Not quite a question...more of a statement, but I don't think Jin-Gitaxias is appreciated enough. Most of Phyrexia's achievements are thanks to him. Scientific advancements, compleation of planeswalkers...some of Phyrexia's strongest allies came thanks to Jin's work. Also, according to the writings on Elesh Norn's card (Grand Cenobite), she learned about other worlds and got the idea of spreading Phyrexia's glory to them from the 'whispers' of the Gitaxians. Evidently, it is Jin-Gitaxias who should be leading Phyrexia's forces.

(His grin is so wide it's splitting his very pointy face open.) Of course, of course. I would almost state that you flatter me, had you not simply been reciting a factual, objective account of my accomplishments, which owing to their magnitude naturally sound like exaggeration. Every step on Phyrexia's path to ascension was laid by my Great Synthesis, refined by the methods of science--not zealous, blind Orthodoxy.

To "collaborate" with Norn is at times nearly demeaning, to tolerate the company of one so telepathically inept, short-sighted, and bloated with ego. Thankfully, I am above such hindrances. I will allow her to play out her pretense until it no longer serves its use.

-J

[phyrexianphamily]

Urabrask: [Introspectively] I hate myself. But, maybe, maybe I could love myself. Maybe, my life can have a greater value. That's right!. I am no more or less than myself. I am me! I want to be myself! I want to continue existing in this world! My life is worth living here!

[The shell of the Furnace cracks open, and he finds himself in the Glimmervoid surrounded by other Phyrexians, who are applauding.]

Atraxa and Ixhel: Congratulations!

Glissa, Ezuri and Skithiryx: Congratulations! [Skithiryx is clapping his wings]

The surviving Thanes, Malcator and Unctus: Congratulations!

The Domini: [Echoing] Congratulations!

Skrelv: [In a feeble and almost unaudible voice] Congratulations!

Ajani, Vraska and Tamiyo: Congratulations.

Vorinclex: HEY, CONGRATULATIONS!

Sheoldred: [Holding back a glistening black tear] Congratulations.

Jin-Gitaxias: [With a very tiny polite clap] Congratulations.

Elesh Norn: [Begrudgingly] Congratulations.

Yawgmoth: [In the background] Congratulations.

Urabrask: Thank you all!

I mean, even this would have been a better ending for March of the Machine.

[phyrexianphamily]

Mishra: Anyone who draws power from Phyrexia...

Gix: ... is destined to be a god among men!

[phyrexianphamily]

I want to thank all the evil gays.

Elesh Norn after the compleation of Mirrodin, New Phyrexia

[phyrexianphamily]

Mother Elesh Norn,

Are all Phyrexians equal?

Of course! Equal under the Mother's love, all eligible for the gift of salvation through Orthodoxy. Even the skin-covered creatures of the Multiverse have only to accept my embrace and join our most elevated ranks.

-E

You are deluded. The "equality" you offer is no love. It is smothering, choking smoothness.

-U

Did anyone hear something just now?

-E

[phyrexianphamily]

What *does* ichor taste like? Oil? Metal? Machinery? Please give us some insight.

The dominant "taste," as you will find, is memory. Of course, a creature lacking the sophisticated psionic attunement found in myself is unlikely to appreciate the depths of the oil's storage capacity, but even the simplest beings experience flashes of imagery and feeling in the process of imbibing the oil. -J

Smooth and heavy, and not too thick, unless you've really messed up somehow~ I hate to give the jabbering noodle any credit but he knows his way around memory, at least. The oil has no special taste of its own, I've found, besides being faintly metallic. What makes it delicious is all the thoughts and fears you're tasting~ -S

Some glisteners I know have described Furnace oil as warm and "spicy." Comforting, if you're a particular type of person. -U

[phyrexianphamily]

Urza: I'm truly honored that we've built such a bond

Xantcha: Aww!

Urza: You're like the child that I wish that I had

Yawgmoth: Uh, what?

Urza: I care for you, just like a daughter I spawned

Yawgmoth: Hold on now!

Urza: It's a little funny, you could almost call me... DAAAD!

[phyrexianphamily]

Jin... forgive this ignorant human... but how do you see?

My visual sensors are embedded into the biochrome of my faceplate, allowing protected visual perception while maintaining a streamlined profile. I would say that the understanding of vision is an elementary piece of Phyrexian knowledge, one that fleshlings naturally lack, but nothing about my own function is elementary. The intricate subroutines which upkeep and expand my visual acuity would escape you.

-J

[phyrexianphamily]

Our sister Elesh Norn used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let Yawgmoth sort it out." Unfortunately, one day she put this theory into practice. It took 75 newts to bring her down. Now, let's never speak of her again.

Jin-Gitaxias in (I hope) a possible future

[phyrexianphamily]

Dear Skittles,

Do you still have the capacity to breathe fire? Or did your transformation end a dragon's most fundamental behavior - to burn?

My flames are oil and necrogen-infused now, and with each exhalation, the glory of my world spreads. I breathe something far stronger than mere flame: Phyrexia's unending contagion. -Skithiryx