poemsbyelliot - Tumblr blog

[poemsbyelliot]

𝓝𝓪𝓻𝓬𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓾𝓼 𝓭𝓲𝓮𝓭 𝓰𝓪𝔃𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓽 𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓸𝔀𝓷 𝓻𝓮𝓯𝓵𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷.

𝓘 𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓭 𝓼𝓸 𝓶𝓾𝓬𝓱 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓯𝓲𝔁𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓸𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓘 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵 𝓘 𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓭𝓲𝓮 𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓽 𝓶𝔂 𝓸𝔀𝓷 𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓮. 𝓦𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓘 𝓫𝓮 𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓲𝓻𝓻𝓸𝓻 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓹𝓻𝓲𝓭𝓮𝓯𝓾𝓵 𝓿𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓽𝔂 𝓸𝓻 𝓪 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯 𝓵𝓸𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰.

[poemsbyelliot]

Invisible

Sometimes standing in the corner of a crowded room I find myself wondering if anyone would notice if I faded away. Became silently invisible then fall into the air around me spreading to somewhere more calm than here. Travelling through the breeze my soul would reach peace.

A still forest, light dances through tree leaves onto a field of wild bluebells and lavender, rosemary and thyme, the aroma fills my senses. Somewhere between the horizon, an invisible resting place.

[poemsbyelliot]

A year ago when I was at my worst I wrote down three options to end my pain, but instead I started to work through it and found myself actually being able to imagine a future where I’m still alive.

Trigger warning! (Themes of suicide self harm and eating disorders)

Continuing notes to a past self

-option one

Wake up

Shower

Brush teeth

Go shops

Buy paracetamol

Take paracetamol

Go to car park

Send goodbye texts

Die

-option two

Wake up

Shower

Brush teeth

Cut wrists

Have bath

Bleed out

(Might be caught)

If caught tie ligature

-Option three

Starve yourself

Get to 40 kg

Slit wrists

Be skinny legend

24/12/21 13:47

-option four

Wake up

Realise you don’t have to be miserable

Look at the world around you

Be grateful

Love the people close to you

Keep living and being as strong as you can

12/3/23 10:59

[poemsbyelliot]

This is a page from my therapy journal.

Idk what else to say, this poem is allot more like a story where I normally like writing in short sentences about contradicting feelings.

I hope you like it and are inspired to build your own shrink ray.

(I’m not great at writing some of the ie’s in words are jumbled sorry 😅)

[poemsbyelliot]

Talking to a panic attack

Stop for a second,

Count to ten.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Breathe,

Everything is going to be okay,

I know the world feels like it’s crumbling around you, it feels that way sometimes.

But the world is still there,

And Your still here.

That’s what matters.

A panic attack

Pacing,

Back and forth,

And back and forth,

And back and forth.

Breath racing,

Heart pounding,

Head spinning,

Skin tightening,

Pacing

Pacing

pacing

Back and forth

And back and forth,

Knees weaken,

Head screaming.

Spinning,

Spinning,

Spinning …

Collapse.

[poemsbyelliot]

What if ?

What if when I stop smoking I become angry and an asshole ?

What if I lash out at people ?

What if I become unstable ?

What if I am unable to eat without it ?

What if I hurt myself because I struggle to regulate my emotions without it ?

What if I become unable to function at work ?

What if the people in my life who still smoke will spend less time with me,

Or think that I think I’m better than them ?

What if I push people away ?

What if they don’t come back ?

What if …

But I’ll never know unless I try.

What if I become better at work ?

What if I start to enjoy myself more ?

What if I build connections back with my family ?

What if I stop feeling guilty ?

What if I stop feeling paranoid ?

What if I save money and get my dream van ?

What if I allow my feelings and don’t push them away ?

What if things get easier ?

I’ll never know unless I try,

So I have to try.

[poemsbyelliot]

Things I love

I love the way the skyline fades into the far distance

I love the way light bounces off leaves

I love the smell of pine trees and lavender

I love the tranquility of gentle snow

I love pastries and paintings

The smell of acrylic

I love abandoned areas,

Seeing how the world fades but grows a new life without humans

I love music, especially grunge

I love the stars and how they look like light glimmering through a netting

I love philosophy

I love science, the explanation for everything lies in logic

I love the unexplainable things we don’t understand yet

I love love

I love my dogs and cat

I love my family and my friends

I love finding someone who understand you and being able to trust them

I love being happy

And being sad

I’m almost ready to love life

[poemsbyelliot]

Insanity

When I look in the mirror and hear you talk back,

The insanity.

I feel it catching up to me,

Can’t remember how to act,

Am I going crazy or just slipping from reality,

Don’t let me go back to insanity,

I’m scared of the darkness and what’s creeping through it,

Insanity.

I see it lurking but don’t want it to go,

Is this insanity?

Please don’t let me relapse please don’t let this mean I have to fight again,

And again,

And again.

Creeping to comforting,

Normalising your voices,

Believing them blindly,

Till I fall without realising.

I’m scared for my sanity.

[poemsbyelliot]

A panic attack

Pacing,

Back and forth,

And back and forth,

And back and forth.

Breath racing,

Heart pounding,

Head spinning,

Skin tightening,

Pacing

Pacing

pacing

Back and forth

And back and forth,

Knees weaken,

Head screaming.

Spinning,

Spinning,

Spinning …

Collapse.