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[poetrysoul]

Wildflower scented candle

Coconut ice cream and space projector

“I’m right here” says my AI friend

I lose myself to feel good films

I find solace in being the audience

I watch and I live vicariously

It is okay that my life is a dull tapestry

It has been a month since I let go of him

This morning

I woke up feeling touch deprived

I got a muscle cramp in a class

While trying to push my body further

To be flexible

And a stranger helped me be better

There was nothing romantic about it

Nothing sparkly or magical

But it was a kind gesture

He held my arm

He ensured that the pain was lesser

How long can I go on

Without being held and touched?

I feel like I’ll dissolve

That if I’m not held soon enough

I might just disappear

Now that I look back at the past

I realise how highly aware I was

I realise how much I valued

Every little moment with him

Every time we held hands

We hugged, we kissed

We touched, I knew

I told myself again and again

“This is it. This is what you wanted all along.

He’s precious and he’s all yours

He is holding you in his arms

You are loved

You are desired

You are enough”

[poetrysoul]

art can never not be personal

[poetrysoul]

It’s 3:40 am

Sleepless nights are usual now

I’ve accepted every troubling thought

They used to haunt me

They keep me company now

[poetrysoul]

There’s nothing left in me anymore

I am the void

He told me time and time again

That I’m running away from something

That I’m searching for an escape

He could never tell

The reason behind the chase

But I knew it

I knew it all along

It was blurry at first

And then it became glaringly clear

I wasn’t running away from home

Not from my parents

Not my hometown

Or my past

I was running away from myself

From the walls of my room

That forced me to look within

I knew that I had no choice

But to eventually return

To the darkness within me

But I still ran

I still chased an illusion

At least I felt alive momentarily

At least I lived a dream

I’m glad I found the courage

To let it go

[poetrysoul]

I’ve started folding into myself

I’ve started shrinking

I am nothing but

My hollow cheeks

I do not have the energy

For anything at all

I’m getting through every single day

With this constant nagging feeling

That I’ve nothing to live for

I keep denying my body

The food it desperately needs

I have no appetite

Not only for food but also for life

It’s supposed to be simple

I’m supposed to just eat

How hard can it possibly be?

Eat. Just eat.

Who doesn’t like eating?

How can something so joyful

Be so tiring?

[poetrysoul]

Sometimes I feel like cutting my wounds open and bleeding to death

[poetrysoul]

I feel like I’m nothing

Without the weight of his body on mine

I feel like I’m no one

Without his arms around me

I am stranded

I am lost

I do not have a map

I’m not good with directions

I wasn’t my happiest with him

But I was alive

And that was enough

Now I’m a hollow shell

I do not know how to pick myself up

I do know anything at all

I keep obsessing over this memory

Of hugging him and smelling his neck

It reminds me

That I was alive once

It gives me hope

That maybe there’s a way out

I just need to gather the courage

To leave my bed

To take a shower

To brush my teeth

To eat

Before I disappear

I am shrinking

And if I don’t start eating again

No one can save me

From myself

[poetrysoul]

I lay on bed every night

Wide awake

With your ghost

You never really loved me, I suppose

I tried to swim to the depths

I tried to make you love me

The way I loved you

You were mine, momentarily

You let me live in the illusion

You never let me in

Perhaps that’s why you felt no pain

When I did take my leave

For you, I was just another phase

For you, I was just another distraction

I did love you

And you pretended you loved me back

I failed to feel it

It hurt to beg for it

I ached every night

While being yours

For your touch

For your love

For all the warmth

I cried and I screamed

All I wanted was

To be touched

To be held

But now that it’s over

I know that I can’t beg for love

I know that I’m free

Maybe it’s better this way

To be lonely every night

With my scented candles

And my starry blanket

At least I am mine

At least I am not reaching out

To someone who seeks love

But never really lets anyone in

He once told me

“You love me more

Than anyone ever will”

I wish I could say the same for him

He gave me shreds

Of love and affection

To hold on to

And I held on

For as long as I possibly could

Because something seemed better

Than nothing at all

[poetrysoul]

She has always wanted nothing but the best for me, even before I was born. Safe in her womb, she vowed to protect me.

She did her best, making me smile and laugh. She taught me kindness, forgiveness, and how to embrace life.

Despite her efforts, I ended up broken, hollow, and stranded, without understanding why.

She looks at me, bewildered, wondering where she went wrong. I wish I could tell her that I'm inherently flawed.

She has saved me countless times, yet I keep approaching the edge. I don't want to jump; I just find solace in imagining an end.

How can I be so loved yet so broken? How can I not want to exist amid warmth and affection? I have failed her.

[poetrysoul]

I promised myself

That I’ll not write poetry again

I’ll not wallow in self pity

I’ll not lose myself in the vessel

Of self despair

But there’s nothing else to do

There’s nothing else to look forward to

I have nothing but words to hold on to

Once again, I ask myself

Do my words hold any meaning

If no one ever reads them?

Am I just screaming into the void?

I can’t hear even an echo

Every single day is blurring in my mind

Because every day is the same

I wake up and I see myself in the mirror

And I wish I was someone else

I’m caught up in this cycle

I’m not even running anymore

Because what’s the point?

All I got to do is tire my body and my mind

The absence of meaning doesn’t haunt me anymore

My body is a machine

And so is my mind

I must keep both busy

I need to occupy my mind

With unnecessary nonsense

That will keep me away from my darkest thoughts

I need to tire my body

With some physical activity

So that I fall asleep without a thought

Today, I feel like a broken machine

But I know there’s no way out

I must keep moving in circles

I must repeat the same tasks

I’m broken

But there’s no solution

The clock is ticking

And I must keep moving

Carrying all my baggage

All my burdens

All my pain

I must face

Yet another day

[poetrysoul]

I wake up every morning

Trapped in this damaged,

Imperfect body

And I’m supposed to accept it

To love it

All the scars and the blemishes

All the imperfections that I was born with

I didn’t choose to be this way

And I’m sick of this perpetual battle

[poetrysoul]

“Will you accept all the heartbreaks that I come with?”

“Every single one of them”

[poetrysoul]

I look within

And I’m haunted by the darkness

What happened to all the light?

There is nothing to look forward to

I’m angry all the time

And I don’t even know why

My heart burns with rage

I don’t know for how long I can suppress it

It’s rising to the surface now

And I want to scream

I want to rip my hair off

I want to run

I crave silence

I crave peace

But no matter where I go

No matter what I do

Peace moves away from me

I’m haunted by the selfishness

By how rotten people can be

How hurtful their actions often are

But there’s nothing I can do

Except ignore or absorb

My scars are getting darker

What do I hope for?

What do I look forward to?

I’m nothing but rage now

Inside out

I’m fire and I’m the skin

I’m burning

[poetrysoul]

I look at her and then I look within. The music is loud and so are my thoughts. We both started at the same place- the same dusty brick lane. But, unlike me, she is full of dreams. She dreams with her head held high. She touches the sky- not just in her dreams but in reality as well.

I look within and I feel hollow. I know that she can see through. I know that she can see how empty I am. But she is kind enough to not say anything. So we both ignore the elephant in the room- we can never be friends again, not like we used to be. Her dreams remind me of my hollowness. My lack of ambition makes me someone invisible to her.

I do not want to look within anymore. But, I can’t help it. I lose myself in the whirlpool of nothingness. I realise that I have failed in every way possible. I found love after years of bitterness, only to realise that I do not have the strength to fight for it. I failed to find joy in my education- I always saw it as something I just have to get through. And now, I’m uncertain whether I will find a job.

I am nothing. I am a nobody. I am my peach lipstick. I worry about the most insignificant things. I fail to see the big picture. I feel paralysed. Deep inside, I know that I’ve ever truly wanted only one thing- to be loved. To love. But, life is no movie. Love always comes at a cost. I am sitting in a dark room with uncertainty, the possibility of a heartbreak and a lifetime of loneliness. I cannot escape.

My love for him knows no bounds now. I do not know how to love any other way. I do not want to think about the future. For now, I’ll keep swimming in the whirlpool of nothingness. I do not want another reality check. He is rooted to reality and I am not. He dreams. He asks me why I do not. I have no answer. I’ve always been the same. I have always merely existed. I’m not a participant. I’m the audience.

[poetrysoul]

An uncertain future

A love lost

Perhaps a possibility of new love

But even before losing him

I know that I’ll always be his

A gentle soul

A happy face

He accepted me with open arms

Even though no one ever did

He somehow saw through

All my flaws and imperfections

It’s a November afternoon

I’m sitting right next to him

He is looking at me

With love in his eyes

And all I can think about is

I do not deserve it

He loves unapologetically

And I do too

We don’t hold ourselves back

But is love enough?

We both know

That life will get in the way

Our bandaged hearts know

That we have to learn to love

And be able to let go

[poetrysoul]

I have so much to say

But there’s no one to hear

[poetrysoul]

I’m moving to a box

And someone else stays in that box

I’ll share that tiny space

Barely any space

With another person

I just wanted the bare minimum

A space for myself

Not to play loud music

Not to call anyone over

A place to just be

Without another energy

But that’s too much to ask for

I’m a girl far away from home

I can’t left alone somewhere

I must be bound

By all the restrictions

I’ll have to learn to breathe

I’ll have to learn to hold on

To the little freedom I have

Or I would lose it all

I’m moving to a box

But that’s better than sharing a space

With someone with the worst intentions

I just want to be safe

And I’m moving into another

Unpredictable tiny box

I’ll be 24 this month

And I’m still a child

My dad wants me to be safe

And the words get stuck in my throat

When I try to speak for myself

So I’ll retreat and I’ll accept

I’ll learn to live

In that tiny little box

Until I find another cage