polyrelatables

[polyrelatables]

Journal #18

I know it’s been awhile bt I’ve been focusing on myself, school and work. I’m working at Red Robin now I love it where I’m working the people are great ! Me and “him” are done for good, still stacking up bread to move out so we still live together rn so it’s still kinda hard but May 25th is the Last day that I’ll see him cause he’ll be on the road and by the time he comes back I’ll already be out of the house and into my new place.. he’s not going to know where I live. He still wants to be friends bt I told him that it’s hard for me to stay friends with him bc I’m in love with him bt I want him apart of my life still so I’m conflicted bc I know it’ll be better for me to love him from a distance, cause if I was to see him moving on with so many other girls than my heart would never heal. I just don’t understand how he can not love me in that way anymore after years if it’s just a couple months yea it’ll be easier but we have been through everything together. He’s seen me in the hospital I’ve seen him in the hospital, we’ve taken care of each other. He’s seen me and my most depressed episodes and I’ve seen him there and we’ve helped each other overcome them.. he’s helped me get away from my family’s abuse and I’ve helped him with his family’s neglecting. I’ve been his number one supporter with his music and future career he’s been my number one supporter with my schooling for counseling. Whenever he was low on money I paid for what needed to be taken care of and he would do same for me. We argued a lot bc he experienced partying later on in his life and he ended up partying and dancing with other girls so it hurt me.. but I explained to him that he can’t dance and flirt with other girls when you have a girl, you can go to parties with girls around go ahead just don’t go flirting and dancing with em that’s all. Then him and social media is a whole other thing. He goes and likes, comments and saves other girls pictures, videos and stories but he doesn’t do any of that on my account so I addressed it and he said it’s just social media and I explained to him that he is making me look stupid bc nowadays that’s how you get in relationships, it’s through social media I mean we got together off of social media so no it’s not “just social media” it’s cheating. All of his friends are single and living that life and he envy’s them but I don’t get it bc I let him go out ALL the time, I only say to check in with me if he’s going to be out past midnight, I don’t bother him when he’s out, I let him go with boys any time he wants, I don’t stop him from that or from hopping on the game, I let him have friends that girls as long as it’s platonic, I let him be free because I got tired of arguing about those subjects so I let him be, I take care of his family, I take care of his house, I provide him money when he’s broke to go out. I take care of his room, make sure it’s clean, make sure he has food, make sure his laundry is done. He fed marriage and a family into me and my head and now he doesn’t want any of that bc I’m still “too much” for him. So he didn’t want to stop anything involving other girls so I told him that we were done for good as much as it hurts. I’ve done everything for him, I dropped my own life to take care of him and make sure he was always good. I’m still in school and I’m working, I’m stacking up and I’m moving out because he doesn’t love me anymore and I don’t know what I did to make him not love me anymore he says it’s not me, he says it’s him, he thinks he doesn’t deserve me so he always keeps doing stuff that will push me away and this time after 8 years I’ve finally given up.. it just hurts so for now I’m done with relationships in general. If in the future and I mean far future I decide to love again.. I really hope that I can find someone who will stay and not stop loving me out of nowhere because I never wanna go through this again. 💯

[polyrelatables]

Journal #17

I’m drinking. Lmao that’s all I gotta say 🤣 goodnight loves 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #16

Been hitting the gym lately instead of working out at home, talking to my side of the family more, still stressed out about the whole moving bullshit, I’m just all over the place right now with trying to move. Still single, working tho :) so that’s doing good. Been really quiet with the my friend group everyone is just going through it rn and we all just want space at this point. I went out last night with the girls, and we just had dinner and a couple drinks then talked and it was a good night. I had a great time . Anyways time to head to the gym ! Talk later 🫶🏽🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #15

Nothing new or entertaining really, woke up did morning routine, freshened up then did hw, watched some kdramas, played a lil bit of MW3 with my brother and his girl, talked to “him” today, nothing really just him saying the same old shit “I love you, please wait for me and be patient, I don’t wanna be with no one else I’m just trynna focus on myself and build myself to be better for you” yea same old same old lmao. Just finished my night routine so it’s bout that time for me to knock tf out lmao. Anyways goodnight lovelies 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #14

Hmm.. not really much to talk about didn’t do much today, did hw went on yubo, watched Netflix and Played MW3 pretty much it. Just a chill day like always. I’m kinda hungry which is very weird because a bitch don’t be getting hungry this late lol so ima go make some saimini and call it a night. Goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #13

Guys.. I think I’m pregnant, I won’t k ow for sure until Next Thursday but I have a feeling it’s either that or I’m dying because my body feel so fucking weird rn and I am sick and tired like it’s either I’m pregnant or I’m dying.. hopefully it’s the latter because this is the worst time to become pregnant.. it would be “his” and I don’t want to do this with him rn. He doesn’t love me or he’s not in love with me. He’s not gonna stop what he’s doing just bc there’s a baby. Dude I’m so stuck and tired I just wanted to rant before I went back to sleep lol

Soooo goodnight guys wish me luck 🥹😭🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #12

Have you guys ever wondered why guys are the way that they are ? Like idk if it’s all guys or just poly guys but they show you love and nothing but love and kindness in the beginning then they start dogging on you and treating you like a joke and start clowning on everything that you do, not only in private but in front of their friends and family and when you try to do the same back they get mad and say shit like “that wasn’t funny” or “stop being stupid” like first of all you can talk shit bout me but I can’t give you the same energy like wtf dude 🙄 anyways that’s what I was thinking bout it did happen recently it just popped up in my head out of no where. I hope one day I’ll get over him and move on and be genuinely happy because I think I he lost interest and he’s just keeping me around bc his family loves me but sooner or later I’ll figure something out ever if we live apart that’ll be better for me anyways 💯 Now goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #11

Heyy! It’s been a productive day, cleaned, did my classwork, I even ate today lol but didn’t really do that much other than that so idk what else to talk bout not in the mood to talk about my feelings right now so ima just hop on the game and call it a night lol goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #10 :

Hey, it’s been a busy couple of days, had interviews, been cleaning, looking at houses and dealing with finances lol but update I might be working at a clinic soon idk I haven’t given my answer yet, interview was great but it’s a little far which is why I’m hesitant. The price for the house that I’ve been looking at went down which is good for me, me and my ex/first love is getting along. We did have a big fight but we got over it and talked and he said he’s not looking for another girlfriend, he just wants to be single and when he’s ready to commit then he’ll come back and if he wants to be with me then he gotta hurry tf up because wtf lol naw I’m not looking for another relationship I’m honestly just working on myself right now. Even if I was it wouldn’t be fair to the other guy because I can’t go through this again so I wouldn’t be present in the next relationship if I was to go looking. Honestly I’m doing good, oh I started playing MW3 on Xbox which is something that I’m starting to like lol I’m still getting used to the maps because I only play mobile I know some of em but not all but damn the maps are much smaller on the console or at least to me lmao anyways I’m gonna get back to my school work. Goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #9

I’m back. And I don’t wanna be back. We got into it cause I was drinking and I was fed up because all this fool does is go out drinking and smoke and the minute I come home on a good one then it’s a fucking problem ? Like no dude don’t start. Yeaa I’m on that idgaf type shit and I tried so hard to stay out of it but that’s where I’m at in life now I guess. I hope yall never get to make it to this spot but then again this spot in life will save your heart from heartache lmao. Anyways it’s almost 3 in the fucking morning and my ass got a interview at 8 and I gotta braid someone’s hair at 10 like wtf am I still doing up 🙄💀 anyways ima go force myself to sleep. Goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #8

I ended up going to my dad’s on Friday, I couldn’t keep staying home and overthinking everything with him playing with my emotions. I go back today and idk if I’m ready lol but anyways yesterday we went to family night and I stayed outside majority of the time and drank cause I don’t like my dads church. But my cousins were there so it wasn’t too bad. After everything we came back to the house and I stayed up doing class work, and my dad walks into the house at like 2 in the morning and I didn’t even know that he was gone so I was like wth. But I ended up sleeping at like 4 and woke up around 7 to go to church (to stay outside the whole day) and yea pretty much it lmao have a good day y’all❤️‍🩹

[polyrelatables]

Journal #7

Hey.. I can’t do it anymore. He’s hurting me more and more and we’re not even together. It’s hard seeing him do this and then come home and act like we’re a couple I told him to stop giving me mixed signals. I told him to stop touching me and playing with me and hugging me. I told him to leave me alone. He agreed but it just hurts. Again. Why am I not enough? I need to go out. Anyone from Washington and wanna go out lmao I just really need to move out and get another job. I’m at that point where I don’t wanna love anymore. I just wanna say fuck it and then that’s that. I think ima do that. I’m done. lol goodnight. Or not goodnight I’m going to work out but still this my journal for today so goodnight 🤣🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #6

Hey.. had an interview today but I don’t know how I feel about it. They moved me to the next steps but I don’t want to do marketing lmao . I don’t wanna go talk to people after they just buried their loved ones talking bout “hey I know you just buried your mom but let’s talk about after care” like wtf.. anyways. I have a couple more interviews to go through and I’ll just wait to answer to see which one I would actually work for. Anyways same old same old thing he goes out, I do school work, work out, take the dogs out, then do my nightly routine before going to bed, I usually can’t sleep so I just be staying up watching kdramas and being delulu lmao anyways that’s all for today kinda don’t wanna talk bout my feelings today so goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #5

Alone again.. lmao I really need friends out here. I mean I don’t think it’ll make a difference since I don’t like going out but like I might.. to the gym or to get some food or do some errands I honestly don’t know I’ll agree to something and when it’s time to go ill cancel. Anyways my professor is an asshole for deducting points on my discussion post for saying “Hey” instead of “Hello” like wtf so irritating. Been a lonely day doing school work, applying to more jobs, doing interviews, currently doing laundry, and listening to music. Anyways anybody in Puyallup Washington looking for a gym partner.. I don’t like going by myself lol oh I took my 2 huskies out for a walk today and I seen HIM at the park.. like why? Why you parking at the park just to chill in your car and go on your phone ? Always being weird he would go out and then come back like around 9 or 10 and just chill in the car for hours.. can yall explain that to me ? Is it cause he doesn’t want to be around me ? Like I did something wrong ? Cause last time I checked I wasn’t the one fucking around.. anyways coco is always acting depressed when her dad is gone like I’m not here.. like I don’t be the one giving her more attention or taking care of her she’s still a daddies lil girl I guess. Anyways ima go back to doing classwork. Thanks for listening to my journal entry lmao goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #4

Heyy! Today was spent alone.. again lol he goes out a lot more now but I actually realized that I needed it. I need to be away from him to start focusing on myself. Been applying to jobs left and right.. so if yall know anyone that’s hiring please lmk lol been working out lately and taking care of my skin and girrrrl my face is so soft ! I love it. Yea I did start working on myself because of the insecurities started because of the shit that he put me through but I actually realized it’s something for me to take my mind off of reality as well. And I’m starting to take care of myself so it’s a win win situation. Honestly I just can’t wait to get hired and move out so I’ll have more time on my own without him being next to me all the time to confuse me yk? I feel like he does love me but in order for him to realize that he needs to work on himself and learn how to love to be in a serious relationship. And if it comes down to it and I get hurt more by realizing that I was just meant to show him what love is then I hope nothing but the best for him but for now.. we will see where we end up and ima keep working on myself. Have a goodnight 🫶🏽

[polyrelatables]

Journal #3

You ever just feel lost and stuck ? Like everyone from high school is already getting married and having kids and you just envy them for it ? Like I’m 24 bouta be 25 and I remember when I was 18 telling my friends that I wanted to be married by 23 and have a 2 kids by this time.. like partying and going out at a young age made me tired of going out by the time I was the legal age to do so.. I mean I still went out at that time but now or like the past year all I ever wanted was to get married and have kids. I’ve tried.. me and my first love tried we lost one when I was 19 but about 6-7 months ago we started trying again and it’s been very emotional because how could I get pregnant without even trying at 19 but now that my main focus is starting my own family it doesn’t happen? And then I go on social media and I see that people are pregnant or I see gender reveals and baby showers and I’m just like bruh why ? Make that make sense. For someone who doesn’t like sex it gets very hard when trying to have a baby because your constantly fighting your traumatic mindset and doing it but you don’t get any results and the trauma js laughs in your face like why tf this gotta happen to me, yk? I’ve always loved kids from a young age I knew I wanted a big family and I’m 24 almost 25 and I haven’t even started and it’s just been very emotional and it doesn’t help that me and the one that I want the family with aren’t even together. Life js sucks atm. Lmao anywayyysss that’s all . Goodnight 🤣😭❤️‍🩹

[polyrelatables]

Journal Entey 2;

Today was another long day. It wasn’t as emotional as yesterday but it was very tiring. We talked today and it wasn’t bad or good.. it gave off great memories which made me feel good and bad at the same time but I didn’t show you that I was hurting today. Honestly, you know that feeling when you know you’re done playing games and going out and you’re done being a young adult ? Yeaa that’s how I’m feeling I’m ready to just settle down and have a family but the one that I want that life with isn’t ready for that so I guess it’s a waiting game now. I don’t feel the urge to go out unless I’m with you.. Ijust want to hang out with you and be with you even if we are just “friends” for the moment. I’m just happy to still have you in my life. Whatever the future holds for us I feel like I’ll be ready for whatever answer we end up coming up with. Live your life now and when you’re ready to come back to me I’ll be here my love 🫶🏽 Anyways time to do my bedtime routine and get ready for bed because homework is done and work is done now it’s time to rest up and get ready for new job interviews and house viewings this week. Goodnight ❤️‍🩹