pretentiousneurodivergentvampire

[pretentiousneurodivergentvampire]

Old poem I wrote in 2022. I wanted to post more poetry, so I figured, why not one of the oldest I've written? I remember how much I enjoyed creating this. I remember how inspired I felt to create more poetry when I was satisfied with how this turned out. I've not written a poem in a bit due to poetry burnout, but I'm still thinking about writing one. Always.

[pretentiousneurodivergentvampire]

Transmascs experience violent transphobia at an identical rate to other trans folks. Transfems expressing transphobic rhetoric towards our transmasc siblings is exactly what TERFs, conservatives, and fascists want. They want to divide us and cause infighting. Because if we're directing frustration towards our allies, we're losing valuable time that would be better spent doing activism.

It's important to acknowledge the effectiveness of mainstream erasure of transmasc issues. We see news of transfeminine hate crime victims, signaling the cue for viewers to feel pity for trans folks. But they only see the transfeminine victims. That's intentional. It's a reverberation of common TERF rhetoric. The false premise of transfems being grooming predators that are indoctrinating transmascs is well known by those pushing these types of narratives. So while they show transfem victims of violence under the thin veneer of voicing concern, they are also using the opportunity to show their audience that the fascists have been successful once more. They are playing into the respectability politics by deliberately displaying transfems at a much higher rate than transmascs, purely because it's easier to garner "pity" (views).

Of course different types of trans folks face different issues. The rigid gender binary doesn't like it when people take steps outside of the boxes that they were assigned. But just because a transmasc may not have the exact same experience of transphobia as you, it doesn't invalidate their trans-ness in any way, shape, or form. Reject exclusionism. Do not fall prey to fascist lies and manipulation.

[pretentiousneurodivergentvampire]

"I will have my serpent's tongue--my woman's voice, my sexual voice, my poet's voice. I will overcome the tradition of silence." -Gloria Anzaldúa, Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza

Some context: Anzaldúa's chapter, "How to Tame a Wild Tongue," discusses her experiences with language (Chicana Spanish) and how it contributed to an awakening of class/group consciousness within her. Reinforcement of a patriarchal hierarchy through gendered grammar (Chicano/Latino as the masculine default); internalization of perceived "inferiority" of particular Spanish dialects breeding animosity amongst Spanish speakers; and censure of differing Spanish dialects in academia. Anzaldúa found empowerment in a cultural identity through language that has been historically marginalized.

I love this quote. As soon as I read it, I knew that I had to write about it, and how I might apply it to my own experiences. I've recently been having a bit of an identity crisis. I lack community. There are online spaces that I frequent, but they don't fulfill me. I suppose an online space can never truly bring the fulfillment I desire. I seek in-person community. Community of queer, trans, neurodivergent folks. I've yet to find one local to me that I feel safe and comfortable in.

In thinking about this, I remembered how isolated I've always been from my ethnic culture. My mother never taught my siblings and me Spanish, believing that we wouldn't need it in America. We never spent much time around her mother and her side of the family growing up (for justifiable reasons unrelated to culture). We never visited the Dominican Republic, instead opting to take the more "American" vacations on the rare occasions that we had one.

At 25 years old, I feel more disconnected from my Dominican heritage than ever. I don't blame my mother for this. I don't blame anyone, really. But it makes me think about what I may have been missing for most of my life. It doesn't help that I've inherited light skin from my father's side, making me feel like I have less of a right to call myself Dominican in comparison to my siblings. I have the benefit of passing as white, never failing to surprise others when I reveal that most of my family is Black. Part of me enjoys the series of expressions that cross their faces in the span of a second. Part of me feels sorrow, knowing that they'll look at me differently because they now know I'm mixed.

I take back what I said about not blaming anyone. I blame myself. I could learn more. I want to learn more. I will learn more. And maybe one day, I will feel like I can take pride in my heritage. Maybe I'm being unkind to myself, internalizing the inferiority Anzaldúa referred to, albeit not in the exact same way. All this to say, I haven't found my serpent's tongue yet. But I want to. My serpent's tongue will be queer. It will be trans. It will be feminine (my own femininity). It will be neurodivergent. It will be not just a political identity of my intersectional identities, but a personal identity, one that I can detach from an idea of "the personal is political." My serpent's tongue will incorporate all of the things that make me who I am. And I will use it to empower others.

[pretentiousneurodivergentvampire]

I posted this yesterday in a text post, but I didn't like how it formatted, so I deleted it. I don't really know why, but I feel nauseous when thinking about posting this. Or making any post. Maybe that's just an unfamiliarity with social media on my end. It makes sense that I'd need an adjustment period. I don't really know why I'm doing this. I thought that I might feel more "normal" if I tried to use social media. I feel so alienated when people ask me if I have any socials, only to respond with a terse "no." But using this site, scrolling endlessly amongst the tags that I thought I might like to follow, thinking about what kind of posts I want to make, wondering if I'd ever achieve the coveted status of "niche internet micro celebrity;" it feels just as alienating. Feels worse knowing that I'm spending my time here rather than getting my work done. I just wanted to post a poem, but I guess I'm journaling again. I've seen that it's fairly common to tag a post with as many things for the sake of engagement, even if many of them are redundant. I think I'd prefer to keep my tags simple.

[pretentiousneurodivergentvampire]

There's something about making a first post that's so intimidating. People are going to see this. Maybe not right away, or maybe not even for years. It's a first impression. A chance to introduce myself. A signal to others about the type of person I am, or the type of person I want others to think I am. This is all new to me. I've never engaged with social media in this way. Always a lurker, curating my feed to my exact specifications. It's scary to be anything other than a lurker. Letting others perceive my presence that I've always concealed is something I may not be prepared for.

Will I even post anything else after this first post? Do I even want to continue using tumblr at all? It's just another distraction for me. So why now, after all this time? I wanted a space to share the things I create with the world. Is this going to fulfill that desire? Will I gain a false sense of belonging in a space that blurs the line of tangibility? If nothing else, it may alleviate the feeling of keeping the things I care about to myself.

This isn't much different from what I'd typically write in my journal entries. But other people can see it. The thought of a journal entry existing somewhere other than the confines of my organized computer files is exciting. I've noticed during some of my journal entries that I write with an idea of some other person actually reading it some day. I guess I'm making that true now, supposing anyone actually reads this.

I want to post some of my poetry. Some stories I've written, or ideas for stories that I want to write. Things I've been thinking about that I could one day turn into a dissertation. Things I've been struggling with that I feel like nobody else in my immediate life can understand. Ideas I've had on the things that I've been learning recently. All that and more.

If this is an introduction, then I feel obligated to briefly describe myself. I'm 25 years old. I live in North America. I'm a trans woman. I'm queer and neurodivergent. I like writing, plushies, social work, intersectionality, mindless binge watching, and making emotional connections with other people. Thanks for taking the time to read this post or any other posts I've yet to make.