prikitiwsthoughts - Tumblr blog

[prikitiwsthoughts]

I DITCHED THAT OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE....

2 months ago I was supposedly out of the unemployment phase of my life. This one specific BPO company I applied for, accepted me and gave me an offer. However, I ditched and chose to accept the invitation of my relative to join their family getaway.

The getaway was not the main reason why I ditched it. I have just recently realized why I can no longer work in this industry. Not because I banned myself from working there, or because I am entertaining the stereotypes I heard about the industry. The reason is, that I have this thought of, 'I could not be in the same vicious cycle. Once I am out, I am out.

For 3 months I was in this big-name BPO company. At first, I failed on their initial interview, but they recontact us for a training. That training would make us jump into the final interview and no longer need to worry because it would be a sure hire. As a desperate fresh graduate, who is so eager to earn, jumped at that offer and took it. In short, I was hired as a Customer Service Agent in a telecommunication company based in the USA.

I was happy when I got hired, at last, I am officially employed. And that time I always kept with my attendance and did what had to do. I was staying with my relative on my father's side during that time, and every time I got home I slept. My cycle was work-eat-sleep. My first paycheck was late because they had to process something regarding the payroll, something with the ATM card. So they released it in hard cash. I remember it was exactly 10,000 pesos. It was overwhelming, I never held that big amount of money in my entire life, until that moment. They hadn't deducted some of the benefits, they will be deducted with the next cut-off.

I kept that cash in my Auntie's cabinet for weeks, not because I was saving for anything, I wanted to savor it. But I could not, why? Because I no longer have the energy to do it. Because I am always tired and sleepy. So, instead of spending it with my wants. I divided it to give some to my parents, provide some groceries to my Auntie, and kept it again inside the cabinet. It is still a big amount, I no longer don't know what to do with it. I thought, maybe my frontal lobe cortex was not developed enough that's why I don't know what to do with that money. The next cut-off came and it was already in the bank, I still had the hard cash at that moment. I spent it with my allowance and such. I thought, I am earning too much but I could not even enjoy this earning. I was just sleeping all day until my shift came and slept again until my shift ended. I didn't wish for this kind of life, for myself.

Within 3 months of working and training there as a customer service agent, there are moments when I don't want to hear the ring of a phone. I don't even want to be near a telephone and a computer. I felt sudden panic whenever I was on the floor and heard the ring on a phone. But I keep on going, trying to overcome those panic and nervous. Keep going, keep laughing, keep getting along with my colleagues. Keep on seeing my privilege as an employed individual. Keep on romanticizing. Keep on believing that this is good, at least I am monthly paid.

One night, I had a call with a customer regarding their billing statement. I can no longer remember by now how the conversation went with that call, what's clear in my core memory was, that I explained to him about his bill and he did not accept it, he kept on insisting on something. I can't remember how long it went, but I remember bursting into tears, and could not breathe properly. It was shameful because I caught everyone's attention. A newbie crying. The team leader talked to me about it. I was honest with her and said to her that I didn't want to do this anymore. I quit. She insisted that I should stay because I was getting good at this job, but I declined. I want to leave the building as soon as possible. I said to myself, I don't want to be in BPO building anymore. I've come to realize that this industry is not my preferred choice.

For the past 6 years, I never applied for any BPO industry, until this year June. I was browsing for a job because I have been unemployed for 6 months. I saw a job posting, that says work-from-home, chat support, etc., and applied for it. That job post replied to my application, inviting me for an interview. I accepted it. The job interview day came. I got interviewed then the interviewer told me they no longer had available positions for chat support. They instructed me to go to the address they provided and get myself interviewed because they have available positions for hire. I am confused about that moment and sure that the job posting was a clickbait. However, I continued the process and reached the address that was provided, and yes it is a BPO company. I keep going, at least keeping positive thoughts in my mind. It's fine Levi, just keep being professional. Maybe not all BPO companies are the same as you had. Maybe this is way better than before, I know people who work in this industry are doing fine maybe you will as well. Keep saying this to myself the whole time, I have undergone the process.

I passed the first and second phases of the interview, for 2-3 hours I think. It took half of the day and I only just finished the 2 phases of the process. Then the interviewer told us, together with the other interviewee, that we would be having our final interview later at 4 pm. So since it was still 12 nn, she gave us an option we could go home or stay somewhere else and eat lunch. Lucky for me I could go home because it was near my brother's apartment. I am having thoughts of ditching this or keeping it and seeing where this would end. Instead, I chose to see where this would end. I went to the building at exactly 4 pm, waited for almost 2 hours, and then was called by HR so we could go up to the building where the interviewer was waiting. As soon as we reached the door of the floor where we left our things, flashbacks started to run into my head. The carpeted floor. The locker. The cold artificial wind of air condition. Good thing the interiors are way more friendly, the lobby looks like a living room, I don't know if it is because of the television and sofas, I don't know. Maybe this is not that bad at all. However, I started to feel stiff, and couldn't move. Maybe because I am nervous or cold. It's fine. This would be fine.

After, almost an hour we were called to proceed to another floor. No more lockers, but few people are walking. They no longer carry anything but their tumblers. I then thought this is the floor. There are 4 or 5 interviewees, and they start calling names. And I wait until it's my turn. I remember some bits of the conversation of the interview. I still remember him asking me, why I still applied for this job when he saw in my resumé that I had already built up my career as a photographer for 5 years, he assumed that I would possibly own a studio or work something big. And yes, at that moment I also start questioning myself, too. I was overthinking that moment, there were times that I spaced out and could no longer know what to say next, but I was able to keep up with the interview. I am still able to answer him despite the lag moments. We even had a mock call. Then he started to be transparent, he mentioned having a duty even on rest days, sudden calls when they are out of people, and such. And I remember, I quit my last job in a studio because we worked straight for ten days and did not have rest days, because we would be having Christmas break. Before I even finished the ten days straight I fell sick, because I had been doing overtime for 3 days straight. I quit that job without taking any pay for those days I worked for. All I want is to leave those employers because they want me to keep up with my duties even though I told them many times that I am still sick. I went to work that day, with a 37° temperature, and they told me I was not worth it for an investment. When the interviewee, got to be transparent, made me remind myself that if I was going to accept this job I would be getting back to the cycle I left. I went home I still didn't have the result so I still overthink. Do I need to accept it? Am I rushing my decision because of what people think of me? Is this a spur-of-the-moment? Then I was emailed that I was hired and to be processed for medical. However, I declined.

I kept on looking for a job until my brother's girlfriend mentioned some BPO companies that could be possibly good based on the comments on TikTok. So she helped me with my application, built me up, and persuaded me. Again, I got another invitation for an interview and accepted it. I had this feeling the whole time I was inside the building. I felt stiff, and could not move. Maybe again I was nervous or cold or whatever. I know I am not comfortable. One of the people on the recruitment team started to gather us and orient us regarding the process of the mock call. And then, we were called to sit on the designated chairs and wait for someone on the other line of the telephone to undergo the mock call. Then it stared. It was a health care account but I knew how to do it. I knew what to say, I knew how to explain things. And the only thing I did not do was to empathize, even if I already had in my mind the words that I had to say, my mouth just did not do it. I don't know if is it just my mouth or me or what. I didn't utter a single empathy but I was able to do everything she asked for. I ended the call. I was called for the result and it says I failed, I scored 2.0 and they need 2.1 above. When she told me I failed, I walked straight out of the door, smiling. I am smiling as if I passed. And once I was out of the building I was able to completely breathe. Like, I had been strangled in my neck the whole time, and the announcement of my failure felt like I had lost the thing that had been strangling me. I felt like dancing on that street of Makati as if finally I got a job. That's how happy I am when I am finally out of the building. No matter how much I tried to be sad because I failed, I could not hide my happiness. I felt relieved.

I ditched that job opportunity because I didn't want it. My whole system is rejecting it, my mind, heart, and body. I was always stiff the whole time inside the building. I could not breathe properly. My instincts know that I would not be happy if I accepted a job that did not make me comfortable. It made me think, a job should be what? Is it supposed to be hard? I know there is no easy job, maybe hard but tolerably hard. Is it supposed to keep you out of your non-work-related life? Is it supposed to get you sick? Is it supposed to change you? Change you in a good way, that gives you growth, or change you in a bad way makes you too workaholic? Is it supposed to be a high-paying job but you are not happy doing it? Or is it supposed to be low-paying but happy to be doing it?

There is no perfect job, same as there is no perfect employer and employee. It is 1 in one million possible ways that we could find everything we are looking for in just one company alone. We always have to sacrifice one thing to have a job, but I hope it will never be your physical and mental health. Always keep yourself sane and healthy because a better company should consist of healthy and functional employers and employees.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

Ako yung tipo ng tao na laging alanganin sa mga bagay-bagay. 

Pero hindi ko maintindihan, bakit pagdating sa'yo. 

Siguradong-sigurado ako. 

Siguradong -sigurado ako, masasaktan lang ako. 

Siguradong-sigurado ako, iiyak lang ako. 

Siguradong-sigurado ako, walang patutunguhan ito. 

Alanganin man ang pagtaya ko sa'yo,

Sinigurado ko namang hindi ka na lugi rito. 

Sinigurado kong malinis ang intensyon ko sa'yo. 

Sinigurado kong tunay ang lahat ng ipinapakita ko. 

Sinigurado kong ikaw lang at wala kang kasalo. 

Sinigurado kong naitaya ko lahat ng baraha ko, 

Para wala akong pag-aalangan sa dulo. 

Sinigurado ko,

Kahit na para sa'yo,

Alanganin ako. 

Alanganin man, 

Sinigurado ka naman, 

Na iyong mararamdaman

Na may taong handang ika'y tayaan.

Ako yung tipo ng tao na laging alanganin sa mga bagay-bagay. 

Pero pagtapos nang lahat ng ito,

Sa dulo natuto na kong manigurado. 

Maniguradong tumaya pa rin kahit alangan,

Hindi ma baleng masaktan,

Ang importante sa dulo ay walang pagsisisihan. 

[prikitiwsthoughts]

Sa'yo ako natutong hindi magpaalam, Dahil hindi sa lahat ng pag tatapos ay kailangan ng pamamaalam. Magmahal ng walang kapalit, Dahil hindi lahat ng binibigay ay dapat may balik. 

Sa'yo ako natutong maniwala sa walang patutunguhan. Kumapit sa kawalan. At ibigay ang lahat kahit na masaktan. 

Pero dahil dito natuto ako. 

Natuto akong mas mahalin, tanggapin at piliin ang sarili. Dahil hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay hindi naman masama kung uunahin muna ang sarili. 

Natuto akong mas magmahal, tumanggap at pumili. 

Mas magmamahal pa ko higit sa kung paano kita minahal. Dahil kung nagawa kong magmahal ng taong hindi ako minahal, paano na lang sa taong mamahalin ako pabalik.

Mas tumanggap—tumanggap ng iba't ibang uri at hugis ng pagmamahal. Dahil masarap sa pakiramdam nang may nagmamahal at minamahal pabalik. 

Mas pumili pa. Mas maging mapili pa. Dahil marami pang pagpipilian. Pumili pa!

[prikitiwsthoughts]

In the glorious summertime of the previous year, I discovered an unshakable sense of solace and protection in your embrace. It was like feeling the warmth of a blazing sun. Although the intensity of the heat caused some discomfort, the pleasure I derived from it was undeniable.

As the end of summer approached, the weather started to shift. The scorching heat gave way to rain, and I found myself engulfed in a downpour of tears. The warmth that I once cherished transformed into an icy and frigid atmosphere. Despite this, the pain that I felt was still just as intense.

It was evident that what we had was similar to climate change. As the climate undergoes various transformations, so do we in our relationship. It was inevitable that we would experience different changes over time, just as the climate does. Despite the turmoil that we experienced, I was still grateful for the time we had together.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

“I think its very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

— Oscar Wilde

[prikitiwsthoughts]

Kanina pagbaba ko ng MRT sobrang lakas ng ulan. Sa Centris ang baba ko—Q. Ave station. Habang naglalakad ako may nakita akong mga puno sa may gillid paakyat ng overpass. Kung minsan ka nang napadpad sa Centris alam mo yung tinutukoy ko.

Pagkakita ko sa mga puno naisip ko bigla, hindi ba sa halaman para maging maganda ang pagkakatubo nila kailangan nila ng pataba? At ang pinaka-epektibong pataba sa halaman ay organic fertilizer. Yung organic fertilizer mga waste—dumi ng hayop, mga tuyong dahon, bulok na kung anu-ano at mga pinagbalatan ng gulay at prutas. Mga basurang nabubulok.

Kaya siguro may mga nakikilala tayong mga taong tinatawag nating 'red flag'. Yung mga taong sasaktan ka, lolokohin ka, aabusuhin ka o kaya paglalaruan ka. Para tayong mga halaman, tapos sila yung mga organic fertilizer—mga nabubulok. At bilang mga halaman kahit nabubulok na sila nakikitaan pa rin natin sila ng halaga, kaya hahayaan natin silang maging parte ng buhay natin. Tapos dahil sa pananakit nila sa atin, mas natututo tayo. Mas lalo tayong nagiging malakas. Mas lalo nating minamahal yung sarili natin. Sa madaling salita, mas maganda ang magiging tubo mo bilang isang halaman.

Oo, nabubulok na sila. Pero pinaparamdam natin sa kanila na may halaga sila, nasa kanila na kung papahalagahan nila tayo o sasayangin. Hindi ka natalo, mas panalo pa nga eh di ba? Sino bang nawalan, ikaw ba?

Sobrang trapik sa Araneta at Sto. Domingo, baha kasi sa Biak na Bato. Inabot ako ng siyam-siyam sa dyip. Epekto ito ng trapik at palpitation.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

BLINDED

I never thought I'd be addicted to nicotine,

But in the other way.

I didn't realize that the smell of smoke would be that good,

So I sniff out of it until it runs out.

Now I realized that I was trained to be a secondhand smoker,

Because I'll be listening to your stories while you're smoking.

I am willing to stay up all night to listen to your favorite songs from your favorite artist.

Even though I came from the 6-hour long drive and I haven't slept enough.

I am keeping my eyes open to witness every emotion that your face makes,

So I would remember it.

And even if my body is tired I'd still keep running my fingers to your tattoos.

Because I no longer know how long it would last.

Maybe I look stupid in their eyes,

Who cares?

I got you here with me,

However, it would never be a happy ending.

And I still made you my muse.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

The skin care routines could bring significance for no reason

Honestly, the sole purpose of starting the skincare process was to give my ex my most improved version of myself. We met at the moment in my life when I was so lazy doing the routines. Applying so much stuff on my face and body, and consumes a lot of money. However, he did still accept me for whatever I am. Without the cheek and lip tint, and the skincare stuff. He loved everything I hated about myself. So I thought, he did deserve better, or rather, the best. I started through small things. Buying one product and changing to another product.

Sad to say, we ended. But happy to maintain doing skin care, without any certain purpose but just to take care of myself. Not for other people, but for myself. Now I am buying several products using my earnings. Everything is now different from before, not just on my skin but as well as in my emotional and mental state. I do still have this love-hate relationship with my body that I still have to work on.

I am delighted with what form I exist in right now, and it preserves all the serenity for every 'No's' I've said because I simply don't want to.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

S U P P O S E D L Y

[prikitiwsthoughts]

Masasaktan muna, bago lumuha.

Masasaktan muna, bago dumugo.

Masasaktan muna, bago makasulat.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

I won't cut ties if you never lend me the scissors.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

She was so torn, deciding what to take—

The beauty, or the thorns?

If she would only take the beauty,

It would be harmful to her—

Every person would like her, and would easily pick her.

If she would take thorns,

She would only give pain—

Do I even have to pick?

She asked,

Not at all.

He answered.

Then I'll have both.

Clever,

You are now dangerously beautiful.

No one would easily pick on you.

It might be hard and painful at first,

However, having you would be worth it.

That's why roses have thorns.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”

— Marilyn Monroe

[prikitiwsthoughts]

No Idea

I still do not have any idea,

How could we even do that?

Fight minutes ago,

Then next thing we're both laughing.

I still do not have any idea,

How could we even do that?

I am imposing an attitude,

Then you don't fight back.

I still do not have any idea,

How could we even do that?

The humiliating actions we've done,

Nevertheless, we are not bothered by each other.

I still do not have any idea,

How could we even do that?

We're only able to do that

To us, but never to others.

I still do not have any idea,

But the only idea I could come up with is,

It was love.

Love was able to do that.

And I still have no idea,

How could be love

Was able to do that to us?

[prikitiwsthoughts]

As a frustrated writer, I am not even sure if my write-ups matter.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

You asked, "What do we need the most in life?"

And then followed up, "Is it, love? Money? Success?"

I answered, "Peace of mind if you have it everything will follow."

"How come?" You challenged me.

I accepted it. "When your mind is at peace you will be able to think in accordance. If you think accordingly to the situation you're able to find love, that suits you. If you think peacefully you're able to achieve success. Everything will fall into place, as long as your mind is in the proper state. No doubts. Only certain actions."

You are still not satisfied. "But how about your heart?"

"Your mind will never be at peace if the heart still bothers. That's why everything will fall into place accordingly." I stated.

And at last, you agreed.

You may agree or not. I like what I have thought.

[prikitiwsthoughts]

Every time that I walked alone,

It doesn't make me feel sad.

Instead, I felt empowered.

I stand and walk,

I am fully aware to my destination—

With or without anyone's presence.

I felt empowered.

Handling things on my own—

even the tiny ones.

Independence is a super power.

Not everyone has it,

Cause you have to gain it.