psstyoumightwannalisten

[psstyoumightwannalisten]

Outsider’s Guide to Humans (1?)

Recently I have been struggling with the feeling of being useful or included or involved particularly in groups. Part of my depression stems from feeling like an outsider even when I know I am not. I struggle a lot in my friendships and relationships and have deep rooted trust issues. 

I just wanted to share something that I have come to the conclusion about. It may help you or not. It sounds like something simple that for some reason took me such a long time to come to terms about.

In order to push away these feelings of detachment. One must jump in headfirst to social situations with these following four points to form connections (irreplaceability, being there, passing the vibe check, and mutual trust). Seems simple, but not really. It takes a lot of time to reach. Special emphasis on TIME.

Let me get further in depth:

1. Irreplaceability: One must insert themselves so much that they are an integral part of the group. If you make it so that your role (literally or abstractly) is unchangeable and no one else understands how to be that person. This means you have carved your own niche that will be harder for people to disconnect from you. You will be their only source of whatever X factor you have. (This also works in the workplace, if people realize that if they fire you then they have no one else who is able to do it, then they will hesitate and have a lesser chance of getting rid of you). This also falls under market yourself, think what can you do in a relationship/friendship that might separate you from the others? THIS DOES NOT MEAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT: don’t be a doormat but do be there for them to lean on and teach them. Friendships and relationships are give and take, not just give, make sure they pull their weight in your relationship/friendship.

Ex. If you have ever watched/read Harry Potter you might see this is Hermione. Her relationship at Hogwarts starts friendless until she is forced into their lives. (This might be different for you because most likely you will have to be the one to initiate first). At first she starts as replaceable, she doesn’t help them, talk to them, she is as bland as every other flat character. She becomes a round character when she becomes irreplaceable. She is smart and resourceful, she is clever and cunning. She saves them numerous times. She is dependable on her personality. All these blend together for the boys to get to know her and lean on her.

2. Be there: One must be there in order to form connection, both physically and emotionally. Nobody likes conversing with a brick wall. This means keeping a conversation going as best you can. Being there increases instances of trust circumstance, little moments that bring people closer together. Trust comes easier when you are reliable and there as consistently as possible. 

Ex. If a friend is crying from a breakup, you there, even just to hug without talking, have formed a bond. That friend is more likely to come to you when an experience like that happens again. Be warned: you need to make sure that at least 70% of your content (jokes, conversations, and behaviors) is positive to your audience and should relate. Every little word matters and it’s easy not to take them serious, you should though (ideally 100% of your content should be appropriate but let’s be honest who hasn’t put their foot in their mouth or said the wrong thing). I digress, your goal is connection, being their puts you in a prime position to make moments or bonds with the people you want to.

3. Vibe check: Often overlooked attitude is perhaps the most important. If people don’t get good vibes or at least mildly interested vibes from you it doesn’t matter how much you are there or are irreplaceable, you aren’t going to be included. Even the strong silent types are invested in group happenings, their vibes depend on dependability (going back to 2. being there). This includes not being fake or blank. Most people can tell fakeness very well, but not consciously, it will tell in your vibes. To a degree most connections depend on some level of mutual trust. Fakeness will be found out and will lessen their trust, they will tell.

Ex. Again in Harry Potter, Harry distrusts Draco around the sixth book (I believe, it has been a while please forgive me for inaccuracies). Sure, you could contribute this action to Draco’s years of bullying Harry and his family members connection to the Dark Lord, but this could have been something that Harry could have said in years past. Instead, he gets Draco’s vibe of uncertainty and instantly knows there is more to the equation (spoiler alert: he’s not wrong, Draco was doing the Dark Lord’s bidding by fixing the mystery cabinet in the Room of Requirement). The point is Harry has had years to know Draco as an enemy but has never fully been invested in his happenings until he feels Draco’s vibes have changed. Vibes can tell you a lot about a person, that’s why people trust their gut and you should too. 

4. Mutual trust: One has to be trusted to be a confidant. The highest level of connection (in my humble opinion) is the confidant (or the secret keeper for you Harry Potter nerds, AKA me), it means the person trusts you enough to keep both good and bad secrets. Trust is more abstract. Trust doesn’t come from some equation, but rather you have to have the three above (irreplaceability, being there, and vibe check) combined with time. Trust is extremely important and perhaps the most fragile of all these points. All lasting relationships (which who doesn’t want lasting relationships) are built on mutual trust. It is give and take. What am I okay with? What are they okay with? Boundaries! People want someone that will be there. If they want a friend or a significant other, they want to trust them. You should want trust, or you don’t want a friendship/relationship. Trust is the in. Trust is the know. Trust is knowing someone long enough plus them being comfortable with you enough that they are able to tell you more and more about themselves without feeling that their words will be used against themselves or be leaked. Be that person for them.

Ex. My friend tells me who her crush is because she knows that I will help her get the guy behind the scenes and will not tell him that she likes her (this is a REALLY corny example but I think you get the point). She has trust when she tells me that I will not spill to anyone else and will help further her goals subtly.

Please give me feedback. Do you agree? Disagree? Why? Did this help? Did I leave something out? Is there something you would like to add to the list?

[psstyoumightwannalisten]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Find yourself and love yourself first and foremost. You are the first and greatest beholder, listen to yourself first. Do not rely on others to control your ability to shine. You are the MVP, the VIP, the GOAT and let no one tell you differently. Remind yourself of your beauty, confidence, and intelligence.

[psstyoumightwannalisten]

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