pulletandraptor

[pulletandraptor]

— Greg Santora (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[pulletandraptor]

The progress I thought I was seeing was also a trauma response. My calves look the same, i.e. I haven't really gone through any other physical changes aside from the swelling. I'm told this is normal. I don't know if I feel healthier, even though I know I am. Maybe it's like trying to feel taller. I haven't really realized/experienced anything that would make this real for me. I think I'm starting to get high when I work out, though. Like, I think I'm starting to do a) experience chemical releases, b) construct psychology dependences that act as foundations to my psyche, which also includes a weird sluggish feeling if I haven't worked out in a while. Idk. That could also be a trauma response. I know that I wouldn't be as happy, and maybe that's what's really going on. Maybe it's like being well hydrated, where I know I feel better, but I don't know either.

Hey Sedentary People,

It is going to shock you to the point of terror when you actually start working out. I've been at this for a couple months now, and my body decided to catch up with me in the form of leg swelling that was so intense that I thought I had a blood clot. I'm talking about fluid filling my extremities until I could barely bend them without feeling pain, and every square inch of skin that could stretched was expanded to, what I think, was its absolute limit.

I finally found a couple videos to help. Watch this one because you think you're gonna go to the hospital soon, and need the immediately relief of knowing you're going to be okay. Watch this one because what's wrong with you is your groin, not your legs, and that first video is only going to take you so far. I had to deal with it for give or take a week or so, not the 72 hours the internet says I'd be dealing with it so you can imagine that I've been on the edge of fucking hysteria this whole time. This happens when your body is doing high impact exercise, like, a little cheap stair stepper (that is super good quality for what you paid for it) from Amazon, and no one tells you about it. There are no Rocky-come-back stories about elephantiasis of the legs out there.

Most people who work out with this type of consistency have been doing it forever and in moderation and not with the single-minded urgency of someone who's behaving like this is the only way their going to eat today, so they probably don't know about it either. The result you're left with is fucking crazy too. My legs look like actual legs now, like all that fluid was actually hiding serious muscle growth. I have calves and everythang now. Also, please take some Ibuprofen. (It helped me tremendously.)

I'm almost screaming at the top of my lungs right now. That's how scared I probably am underneath all my trauma responses, and that's also how relieved I am to finally see some progress.

[pulletandraptor]

[pulletandraptor]

Hanging On - Michael Orwick

American , b. 1975 -

Oil , 48 x 36 in.

[pulletandraptor]

love when my internet gets bad and im just scrolling the dash looking at the diagonal gradients

[pulletandraptor]

My experience of the human condition.

Sometimes it feels like you've lived your whole life in a house that's always a little bit on fire. Like it's usually just in one room and you make sure to wet the walls around it so it doesn't spread and that usually works. You were expected to take more responsibility over fire containment when you were like seven because it's not like you can expect your parents to always be 100% on guard about making sure the whole house doesn't catch fire, and you figure that's just how things are like.

And sometimes as a kid you visit your friends' homes and some of then whisper to you - grimacing with embarrassment - about how they're not supposed to tell anyone this, but there's a whole room in their house that's currently on fire. And you're like yeah it's ok I'm not supposed to tell people about the way our house is a little bit on fire all the time, too. And then you visit some other friend's house and there's no trace of fire anywhere, and you think "wow, these people are really good at hiding their house fire."

And one day you show up to work like "hey sorry I'm late, I forgot to wet the walls before going to bed last night and my whole house burned down", and you're startled by the way people react, acting like that must be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And you're just like "chill, it's been years since the last time this happened, and it wasn't even that bad this time", and that just makes people more shocked, acting like that's the weirdest and most concerning thing they've ever heard anyone say, which only confuses you more.

And then someone tries to explain to you that people aren't supposed to have an ongoing house fire. Most people actually never experience a house fire in their lives. Like not even once. Not even a little bit. The normal amount of having your house be currently on fire is zero.

[pulletandraptor]

Miss you.

[pulletandraptor]

RIP Quintus. (I miss you. I think about you all the time. I mean, all the time.) Love, The people that bought your Cheerios.

you're the only one who understands me mr strobbery

[pulletandraptor]

“You cannot always be happy but you can always be brave. And that is the beginning of everything.”

— Unknown

[pulletandraptor]

when me and my boyfriend make meals we have a tradition of sending each other unappetising off-centre photographs of them in poor lighting. we call this "wikipedia food".

[pulletandraptor]

How do I introduce myself...?

I feel like my disability is extreme enough that I need to tell people that I'm different, but I don't know how to do this in polite conversation. Like, hi, I have ADHD. The real kind. The "this-is-not-cute" & "this-is-horrifying" & "omg, are you okay" kind. A lot of people say they have ADHD the way they say they have OCD. I would cry if I had OCD. How horrible to be so disabled/triggered by your environment...And so, I want to set the record straight. I have ADHD.

I look like this sometimes :

No one in that GIF is having a good time. I'm not complaining about my disability, just my inability to communicate in a society that abuses language the way we do. Just in case you think that I'm secretly full of agnst over here--I actually have a brain that is a RAP SONG ALL BY ITSELF. It does things to my physical mannerisms. I'm actually really "cool" looking in this society because of how we value sexuality (what we think is sexuality because everyone is "half-lidded" or "piercing you with daggers that strip your soul because they are paying attention" on TV), work ethic (because I can and will outwork just about anyone on accident), and vibrant (because no one has more fun than me, scientifically proven brah.)

I'm just...not sure what to do or say so that people understand that I really do glaze when I'm "high", that my high looks different according to what I've consumed (food, stimulus, the type of air I'm breathing), that sometimes I run past normal boundaries because I can't process them because I'm trying to process other things, namely whatever makes you you or me me, or I'm navigating the layers of thought in between our thoughts because I get stuck there a lot.

I know I'm capable of making friends, of doing amazing things, of being okay and happy, and most of the time I am happy. I also know that I behave happy in that retard type of way, like I'm unaware of all the nuisances of my condition and how much I'm missing out on. I can't help it. There's LIFE, and my illness wants me to live in it. Like the madness that people descend into when they're dealing with the last stages of syphilis, ADHD is a happy place. Never ending euphoria. And I seriously seriously am not complaining. Could be worse.)

I just wanted to say something (mostly, hi, like a hyper and happy five-year-old) and don't know how. This is my best shot at this. So yeah, I'm not really sorry to be me. I just want to help people communicate with me better. Thanks!

[pulletandraptor]

Put a stairstepper on that motherfucker, and it's all me.

Computer. Iris by the goo goo dolls. Loud enough to kill.

[pulletandraptor]

the goths

[pulletandraptor]

daylist:

♬ lauenburg - ich schau ständig aus dem fenster, um zu sehen, ob die sonne scheint ♬

♬ nils keppel - wellblech ♬

♬ nils keppel - lichterloch ♬

♬ traumatin, bishkek - lass mich schlafen/тишина ♬

♬ nils keppel - kein himmel über berlin ♬

♬ gast - rehaugen ♬

новую немецкую волну в массы!

[pulletandraptor]

i added a metaphor so good i had to lie down. you wouldn’t get it. it was mint.

[pulletandraptor]

i don’t get you

i’ve never seen you look at anyone like how you look at me

even him

your perpetual smirk is lowered and your lids become heavy with a weight

a weight i have yet to known or discover the meaning of

your body becomes frozen with shock?

or is it tension?

or an awkward awareness of me?

do you even like me?

i become disillusioned with your coldness towards me

i am only so strong

what you don’t say in words

speak in movements

in the moments when you know i’m looking

i feel your apprehension to my affection

i feel you in your eyes

i feel you in how you choose to express yourself to me

only me

when you initiate

i inhale

but when i saw you standing there

a smile on your face when faced with those whom you deem friends

i wish you could call us that

a smile that drops

when you see me

that look in your eyes appears again

like a wall of tension and distance

a quirk of the corner of your lips

thats was all i got

i don’t get you

when you tell me things that makes me gasp

something i would have thought was a sign

i now think of a threat of similar friendship

but come with tension not laughter

a coil tightening in my core

making my stomach heat

with the consonants in your sentences

i try to

i am only so strong

i feel how you intrude on my dreams

the one place i am free of your mind

i know you treat me differently

why do you give me so little

but give me your presence without my say so

how can i get to you?

i see it

but in the end

i just don’t get you

[pulletandraptor]

Me, again.