queersexwellness

[queersexwellness]

Breaking Down The Idea of Sex

Sex is a complicated topic, one of which is typically taught very poorly and looked at very specifically. I could go on about the failings of mainstream sex education in schools and households, but I am afraid that would take entirely too long and wear all yall's patience.

The purpose of this blog is comprehensive, queer-centric sex education. This starts with breaking down the routinely taught (cisheteronormative) idea of what sex is and what it's supposed to look like, as it is the core of many queer people's plights upon first exploring our sex lives. In addition to that, portrayals of queer sex through media, the internet, and even through other people can be rigid or lacking in their own ways, leaving individuals at their own weird place on truly understanding what sex is and can be.

So hold on tight, we've got a lot to cover, starting from some major misconceptions:

Sex isn't just penetration and there's more to it than your genitals

Most of us come to realize that hands and tongues can be the star of the show, but there is much more to sex than that. We have so many nerves and sensitive areas (erogenous zones too), that you don't even need to get your genitals involved if you don't want to. Where you like to be touched sexually will depend on you, but some examples of areas on your body that may like some gentle fingers or tongues are inner thighs, outer thighs, neck, hips, waist, lips, etc. People tend to understand non-genital sexual touching in the context of foreplay (which is important and you should invest in putting good time into it), but it can be so much more than that.

Looking at things like kink play can give you a better understanding of this, people go and tie each other up, talk sexually to each other in specific ways (language is very important, more on that later), melt candle wax on each other, and many other possible activities, and sometimes that IS the sex.

But most importantly, your mind is WAY more important that people like to give credit for or even understand, at least AS important as your body. How we experience sex psychologically and emotionally is a huge part of the experience, it's where arousal starts and is how the whole experience is interpreted and enjoyed. It's how a partners words and imagination can turn you on and amp up the pleasure you receive from a sexual experience. How you feel (both in a tactile and emotional sense) during sex and the exchange of sensations feelings between you and your partner dictate your experience and how you perceive it. With that said, pay mind to your mind during sex, cater to it by checking in on how you and your partner feel, setting the mood, talking to each other in ways that make you both feel good, and overall investing in feeling the experience in a way that is fun and fruitful.

Orgasms (or lackthereof) does not define the 'successfulness' of a sexual experience

A HUGE misconception is the perception of 'successful' sex having an orgasmic conclusion. Now don't get me wrong, orgasms are cool and all, the additional flurry of brain chemicals brings satisfaction and benefits, but not having one doesn't particularly mean that the sex was bad or that it wasn't satisfying.

The main issue is that because people typically perceive it that way, it brings down a self fulfilling prophecy of dissatisfaction, frustration, and more negative emotions that take away from the experience and possibly strain the relationship with your partner (whatever that relationship may be). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about that classic scenario of a partner being self-centered and self-serving and bringing themselves to orgasm but not their partner (in that case you get good by listening to your partner and being attentive to their sexual needs). What I'm talking about is sometimes you try something that doesn't bring pleasure like y'all had hoped, or the mood falls apart, or its not a good time and sex just isn't working out that day. In addition to that, people's bodies are complex and fickle, and so is sexual function. Some may have some form and degree of sexual dysfunction that is based in a bodily dysfunction (contrary to popular belief, small flukes are common), or it could be an environmental factor. Because the mind plays a huge role in the sexual experience, a shift in environment (like your mom calling), or your mind wandering to something different (as it do sometimes), can easily have the delicate chemical balance and physiological mechanism of sex fold like a lawn chair, then you have to start over or call it a night. It just be like that sometimes.

What's important to learn is that the goal of sex is that you had a good time. What that means is different from everyone, it's important to sit yourself down and ask yourself what successful, satisfying sex means to you, then you do that with your partner. Accepting that orgasms and sexual physiology can be fickle and complicated will do a lot for you in terms of achieving a healthy, satisfying sex life, especially if you and/or your partner do suffer from some kind of sexual dysfunction.

Good sex isn't just about how it ends, its just as much about how it went before that (sometimes it really is about the friends you made along the way). Mentality, attitude, and perspective mean tons here.

Regardless of love and intimacy, respect and trust are vital to a healthy sex life

As things like hookup culture have taught us, sex can be a thing outside of love, sometimes people just want to fuck, and that's okay. What you DON'T do is EVER leave out respect and at the VERY LEAST, a basic amount of trust that is proportionate to the vulnerability involved is trusting someone with your body and your mind for a moment. Respectful sex where you trust the person you are having sex with is healthy sex. Not trusting or respecting the person you are having sex with (on either or both sides), leads into some sketchy territory that allows for people to get hurt and have bad or straight up traumatizing experiences. As mentioned before, your mind is just as important, if not MORE important to your body in terms of sexual experience and function, which applies to the vulnerability that comes with sex. Although I advocate for love, intimacy, respect, and trust be present (love and intimacy are also important to healthy sex), sometimes, that just isn't the nature of the sexual relationships that you may have. Like I was saying, that's okay. BUT, if you don't at least trust and respect your partner, you PUT THAT THANG AWAY. I'm NOT playing, don't get yourself hurt boo, go get yourself a toy or something, its not worth it.

______________________________________________________________

Point being, there are many different ways to moosh your meat together with someone else, and what you like and want to do depends on personal preference. Finding out what your preference is involves experimenting with different things is a safe environment, maybe even surfing the internet and seeing what other people do and maybe you will see something that turns you on, or something you want to try. Sex is whatever you want it to be.

Next up: Trans Sex

Dysphoria and transition changes the way people have sex. As a trans person, I know it can be scary, and also as a trans person, I have a lot I can tell you.

As always, have fun!

-Joey

[queersexwellness]

Consent and Communication

I'm not gonna pretend nobody knows anything about consent - most of us have a personal understanding. With the complexity of interactions between people and the role self-perception plays in subjects of sex and sexual/non-sexual intimacy, I think it's important we define and explore it.

What is Consent?

Consent is explicit permission. In this case, explicit permission for sex and other intimate activities (which can totally be non-sexual).

Although there are nonverbal cues that people give off, even if you really know the person, consent should be verbal. Verbal consent helps minimize the room for misconception, especially since sexual (and non-sexual) intimacy is highly based in personal perception for each individual, and the shared perception of those involved.

NOTE: In general, people have different ways of communicating. It's important to be open in the ways you and others may communicate, especially on such an important topic.

That said, picking up and relying on non-verbal cues - especially when you are close and experienced with the partner(s) - is justified, and necessary. Always respect any signs of non-consent, verbal or non-verbal. Verbal consent simply provides the most clarity.

It's worth noting that some people are completely non-verbal, or go non-verbal often enough that alternative methods of communication need to be established. Partners need to get on the same page about what modes of communication are reliable and comfortable for them in that context (and in general).

Consent is F.R.I.E.S

This means that consent is:

F reely given - Coercion is rape. Manipulating someone into doing something you know they don't want to is not consent. Just because you pulled strings or forced someone to agree to something, doesn't mean it's what they want.

R eversible - Consent can be given and taken away at any point. You (or your partner) suddenly not wanting to do something anymore, changing your mind, or deciding that you don't like something you are experiencing is valid and it is never too late to take back consent and stop, and that should be respected.

I nformed - People who don't know that they are consenting to can't actually consent. It won't hold up in court, and it won't hold up to my fist.

E nthusiastic - If people aren't happy about it/doing it, they probably don't want to do it; even if that isn't the case, it isn't a call you should make.

S pecific - Just because you relate to one thing doesn't mean you consent to other things, even if they're related. You can consent to parts of something.

NOTE: You can't hurt somebody by not engaging with them sexually (or intimately). If anyone involved is unsure about doing something, don't do it. Also, asking for something or saying you want something is some of the sexiest shit. Don't feel afraid of it being awkward or bothersome.

The Sex Conversation and Feedback Process

Pre-Intimacy Conversation

I recommend having a (at the very least semi-comprehensive) conversation about likes, dislikes, boundaries, and all relevant information BEFORE any sex/intimacy, but maybe not right as you are going to. Having that conversation right before sex may work for some people, but others may feel like it derails the mood or the process of sex/intimacy.

This is great for clarity, and not accidentally overstepping boundaries or doing something people don't like. Especially during intimate situations, people may not want to stop and have that conversation, even if it hurts - especially when it stems from dysphoria/trauma.

HOT TAKE FROM JOEY : If your partner doesn't want to have this conversation or they say they can't, that person ain't ready to have sex and you shouldn't be having sex with that person

Even with partners who are non-verbal, there are multiple ways to have that conversation. Awkwardness is not an excuse, and if you can't find the maturity to talk about you're boundaries, you're not ready for sex/intimacy. It's possible (but not good) to have sex/intimacy and not be ready, so experience is not an indicator of readiness.

Mid-Intimacy Feedback Process

Feedback during sex/intimacy is important too. It's possible something wasn't mentioned during the pre-intimacy conversation, or perhaps you adjust the boundaries of your consent. You may just suddenly decide you don't want something, or don't want something now. It could be a couple of words, followed by a short response then moving on. It might be something more serious that has less brevity. Just don't be afraid to speak up.

Being able to be brief during sex is a big part of why the initial conversation is important. The ability to be super brief during sex/intimacy is something I find very helpful - and a good context for non-verbal communication.

The cause or interest of mid-intimacy communication could be anything from forgetfulness, to feedback to improve the experience, to just being how you engage in sex or intimacy, or prior trauma/fears coming up. It's important to make sure everyone feels safe and welcome giving feedback at any point of the intimacy process - even during it.

Post-Intimacy Feedback Process

While this could happen immediately after, people usually don't feel like discussing it then, and I wouldn't recommend feedback right after sex. It can detract from further intimacy following any sex/activity, and people may not have finished processing their thoughts and feelings.

However, I do recommend talking about it at some point, especially if y'all are both new to each-other or if there's anything you want to address. This might be the next day, the next couple of days, or whenever you all are comfortable. This can also be related to how frequently you engage in sex/intimacy.

Don't settle for something that ends up being mediocre sex/intimacy. Feedback is important, and it should be clarified that:

Nobody should take offense at the feedback, not everyone may know this at first so it is helpful to ensure you and your partner are both aware of this.

Nobody can just read your mind and be a sex god. You must communicate

If healthy feedback causes you or a partner to get hostile or dismissive, or the receiver simply can't take it, they're likely insecure and not ready for sex and the surrounding intimacy.

If you (or a partner) are not ready for sex/intimacy or the communication around it, you should wait and build up the trust and communication skills necessary so that you can both have healthy sex/intimacy.

Overarching Theme: Communication

As we discussed, communication is a very large and important part to practicing good and healthy intimacy whether it be sexual or not.

Let's finalize with some reminders:

Verbal Consent

Most clear & understandable

Most applicable for new relationships

Try to use as primary method when possible

Non-Verbal Consent

Valid and important to consider

Unreliable without immense familiarity with a person

Can be built-up through experience and knowledge with your partner.

Shouldn't completely replace verbal communication as things can change.

And with that said, have fun!

-Joey

[queersexwellness]

Resources

Welcome to the resource page, this page will be edited quite a bit.

As mentioned in the pinned post, if there is something you would like to see here or a specific area in which you need information on, let me know and I will draw my attention there.

ALSO, if you notice that a resource listed is:

Made by bad people (especially if this news has recently come out)

-OR-

Has a broken link

PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I cannot know everything all of the time, I will correct my mistake and fling it out of my blog.

______________________________________________________________

Consent and Communication:

Love is Respect: Whole Website

What is Consent?

What Consent Does and Doesn't Look Like

Navigating Consent

Sexual Communication and Consent

Sex Inventories:

These are comprehensive lists that you can go over with a partner (committed or not) as a guide to open a thorough introductory conversation to having sex with that person. I always recommend having these conversations before starting a sexual relationship with someone because it is helpful to know each others likes, dislikes, boundaries, things you want to try, etc. Its also good to have a consistent and interactive feedback process to maintain a happy and healthy sex life.

Here are some inventories you can try:

Inventory List

Sex Worksheet

Gender Queer Geared Resources:

Neutral:

Trans Sex Tips

Tips on Respect and Communication in Sex with a Trans Partner

Safer Sex for Trans Bodies

Trans Masculine:

Buck Angel Talks about Sex as a Trans Man

Guide to Sex for Non-Binary (AFAB Focused) People Coping with Sexual Trauma (I love this one, highly recommend)

Sex Guide for Trans Men

Trans Feminine:

Tips for Trans Women on How to Have Lesbian Sex

General Advice Brochure for Trans Women on Sex

[queersexwellness]

Welcome to Queer Sex

Hello, my name is Joey, and welcome to Queer Sex, the blog!

As opposed to doing in person panels, I have decided to post my resources and sex education information segments online.

With this change comes a new feature: Tumblr's ask feature, where you can ask me anything you would like about queer sex, or anything you would like guidance on in that subject matter. You can choose to do this anonymously or not, its up to you and your comfort level. Additionally, I can answer your question privately if you would like, or I can post it to the blog for others who may find the answer useful.

I do have some rules and disclaimers for the use of the ask button and interaction with this blog:

Serious inquiries only

I am not a licensed professional (I'm working on it), and I do not claim to be, please don't hold me as such, I simply know a lot from experience and study

This blog is educational in nature, and although I will cover many different things (which include creative methods of having sex for folks dealing with dysphoria, etc), but I will not be soliciting sex or pornographic materials nor will I accept such things.

I will not be accepting harassment or hate either

If individuals choose to disregard the rules and be a problem, they will be blocked.

Also, feel free to use the ask button if there is something you would like to see me cover, any info you would like to add, and conversations you want to open about the material (or material I don't have yet), or if there is a resource you want me to check out and add to the blog.

Due to (many) medical issues and still being a college student, fully fleshed out informational pieces may take time to come out, however I will stay up at night answering asks and investigating resources if I have to (tis what I do).

And with that, have fun!

-Joey

Link to Resource Page

Topic Table of Contents:

Consent