questioningpositivity

[questioningpositivity]

When did people start equating “questioning” to “faking”

Let people explore gender, goddamn

[questioningpositivity]

Shitty things this website has been teaching young lgbtqa people :

Its bad to explore or question your sexual orientation . Once you declared that you belong to X sexuality then you have to identify with that identity always otherwise you are a faker or implying that all people of that identity TOO are actually faking their sexuality

Questioning and reconsidering your sexuality arent normal things most queer people go through and if you are doing all these things then you really dont belong to that sexuality

Abuse and toxic relationships are just straight things and no unhealthy or power dynamics can exist in queer/same gender relationships bc all lgbtqa relationships are always just sunshine and rainbows 24/7

All wlw are just soft sweet petite women who just wants to lie in grass and hold hands while listening to soft music and none of them ever has any intense, passionate or sexual desire towards other women and if they DO then they are just “appropriating the male gaze”

Dont volunteer or go to your local Lgbtqa community center/GSA/Lgbtqa housing bc they are full of cringey mogai libqueer who will kick out actual lgbt people to make space for cishets

Dont take any lgbtqa/queer theory courses in universities bc they are taught by cishet women who call themselves queer bc they are into kink

People should cut off all your ties to lgbtqa community in real life and ONLY get your education about the lgbtqa history and community from to popular lgbtqa bloggers or discourse bloggers. They know best bc they have 10k followers and their epic cringe aceys post went viral

Top and bottom are personality traits and are synonymous with masculinity and feminity and you can just make assumptions about someone being a top/bottom on the basis of how they act in public and assign gender role like stereotypes to tops and bottoms

[questioningpositivity]

It’s important to allow wlw to explore their identities, their presentations, their understanding of their gender. wlw aren’t damaging the community by shifting labels or trying on different labels. Trying to push these labels as permanent or unchanging can really hurt people and keep them from finding themselves because they’re not sure if they’re “really” a woman / lesbian / bi/pan woman / gender non-conforming / etc.

YES our labels have meaning and we have similar experiences across certain identities but you’re not going to convince me that a member of my community is doing harm by temporarily using a label or by using a label casually. If your identity is firm, good for you, but show some compassion for the possibility of other people still figuring themselves out.

[questioningpositivity]

So I've been thinking this for awhile I think I might actually be a lesbian??? Like it's a fact that I love girls but my questionable liking for guys is different? Really looking back at guys I've liked I feel like it had something to do with compulsory heterosexuality? Like feeling I had to/should? Plus the guys I do think I like have to be really specific. Also found out that finding a guy attractive doesn't necessarily mean I want to date them, just want to appreciate them from afar and (1/4)

that’s ok? When I’ve pictured my future as a kid seeing myself with a guy felt strange I thought being bi that sure I could like either but that being with a guy would be almost settling. Like it would be just ok in comparison to a girl. Like if people are ever like “oh one day your husband…” i get really annoyed. And no guy could ever meet my high expectations of them. But then I don’t want to reinforce the idiotic stereotypes people have about the bi community just being confused and (2/4)

eventually picking a side. Like I don’t wanna be that. Also if I am attracted to some guys to some degree then it must mean I’m bi. And then calling myself a lesbian would mean I’m CHOOSING a sexuality and not just liking people naturally. The whole community is always trying to say sexualities aren’t a choice and I’m going against that. Like what if I could have or end up falling in love with a guy and could be so happy, but I ignore it because I simply “don’t want to”. Labels can be great (¾

but they feel either too confining or too broad AND THEN I’m the bisexual who doesn’t like labels trope and here we are again and wtf. So if I don’t like men after all then MAYBE I’m not a lesbian because I didn’t add that I do like people that don’t conform to the gender binary and go by other identities. But still could like identifying as les. So do I just have a weird thing against men? Guys I’ve been “with” wasn’t that great to me but maybe it’s cuz they’re the wrong people idk (4/4)

Hi there!

First of all, I can’t figure out when this was sent but I’m gonna guess not recently, so I’m really sorry for that. I’m going to reply now bc maybe you’re still out there and following this blog? I have been busy and sorta abandoned this blog, so I’m really sorry about that as well <3

You aren’t a trope because you’re a real person with a complicated sexuality and hey! same! I used to ID as bi and I don’t atm and that’s totally fine! Neither of us are hurting anyone by questioning our identities or changing what language use!

With that said, in my experience of reading, listening to, and talking to LGBTQIA folks (specifically outside of tumblr!), I’ve found this is a fairly common experience. There’s an argument that was created partially in pursuit of marriage equality that people are “born this way.” Yes, it did help get some of those “movable middle” straight people to be less homophobic. It can also be super resonant and true to any given LGBTQIA person and I don’t want to invalidate their lived experiences.

However, it rests on this idea that being gay (or otherwise lgbtqia) is bad/wrong but must be forgiven because us lgbtqia people Can’t Help It. Instead, I’d rather choose to celebrate my own queerness. For me right now that looks like: 

-using gay to describe my orientation when I am being read as my assigned gender and among acquaintances, because I am not pursuing any romantic or sexual relationships with men

-using queer when I am in my community

-working on learning more about my nonbinary gender and figuring out how I want to transition (socially, medically, etc)

I’m struggling to articulate this well, but the thing that has helped me the most is listening to real, adult lgbtqia people. I know that they’ve discussed this before on the podcasts Food 4 Thot and Queery with Cameron Esposito. Those and other podcasts I’ve found incredibly helpful and fulfilling, especially now when I have very little in-person access to a queer community. Hearing people’s voices and earnest, good-intentioned discussions about LGBTQIA experiences is validating, fulfilling, and challenging in a way that’s really helped me. I would also recommend reading memoirs, poetry, and fiction by LGBTQIA authors! Many of them will likely disclose similar uncertainties and questioning. 

Ultimately, you are a real and complicated person with a rich inner life and background of experiences. No one word is ever going to be able to perfectly encapsulate that or convey it to everyone else. You get to take your experiences and feelings and to try to find language that articulates it for other people. You get to choose which label works for you. And whichever it is, you’re not lying, I promise.

[questioningpositivity]

i really want to normalise the idea amongst lgbt youth that its okay to switch labels as you further understand your identity. you’re not a traitor or a fake if you realise you’re bi instead of a lesbian, or if you’re a trans woman instead of a gay man. it’s really difficult and scary to be lgbt and it’s doubly hard to deal with a shifting identity amongst all that so… be kind to yourself. you’re learning and figuring yourself out and nothing is set in stone. let yourself figure out what feels most comfortable to you. and for those who are secure in their lgbt identities, particularly adults, don’t make kids feel bad for switching between labels. we’ve all had identity crises in our lives, so provide support and understanding rather than unforgiving attitudes.

this post is not an excuse to jump on the “of course you can’t label yourself at a young age” bandwagon either. young people who stick with and feel comfortable in an identity from an early age are just as valid as you are.

[questioningpositivity]

Hi yall I'm sorry i often abadon this blog. Im still out here, questioning my gender and trying to make a life worth living.

You can too and i believe in you and perhaps more importantly, I Believe You. I believe your sexuality or your romantic orientation or your gender or you lack of any of the above. I believe you in how you describe yourself. And i pinky promise im not the only one out there who believes you and trusts your understanding of yourself. I hope youre having a good night.

[questioningpositivity]

rules for questioning your gender

be aware that you are in for a wild ride

don’t rush it

remember that you don’t have to stick to just one label

try to have fun with it

confused and frustrated crying is allowed and honestly to be expected

[questioningpositivity]

shout out to the people’s who’s identities change, who have to come out multiple times, who came out as one thing but their sexuality/gender has since changed and they’re closeted again, or who haven’t come out at all yet because they’re worried about not being certain 💕💕

[questioningpositivity]

Shout out to aspec folks who took a while to figure out their identity even after comming across the right terms. The narrative of “I heard the word asexual/aromantic and it all just clicked for me” is very popular, but it’s not the exsperiance that everyone has. It’s okay if it took you a little more time and introspection to figure out the right labels, it doesn’t make you any less aspec.

[questioningpositivity]

Everyone comes to terms with their sexuality in different ways at different times. If you figured it out at five or fifty it doesn’t matter. If you went through several labels before settling on the one that makes you most comfortable or got it right the first time, that’s great! Every person is wonderful the way they are and I’m so proud of each and every one of you!

[questioningpositivity]

Hi, I need some help figuring some stuff out. For the longest time I thought I was bi but recently I started thinking and it's possible that I could be asexual instead. Is it possible to be two orientations like bisexual and asexual or what? Also I'm not sure if it's just that I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of sex. I'm okay with the idea of making out but also I'm a teen so I might just be immature about it... I'm sorry if this is weirdly worded I just need help sorting out my thoughts.

Hi there!

I’m sorry, I know this is late, but hopefully still helpful to get a reply. (I’m gonna work on replying sooner I promise!)

It’s definitely possible! Some people find it helpful to divide their attractions/orientations into two categories: romantic and sexual attraction. This would mean separating the romantic feelings you have towards multiple genders (or two or more, or similar and different, however you define bi) with a label like biromantic from sexual feelings you have towards possibly no one with a label like asexual. 

The split-attraction model helps some people understand their experiences, but it doesn’t help everyone. Be careful looking it up on tumblr because its become a big issue in discourse. However! It’s a completely valid way to define your identity if it rings true for you.

You might be uncomfortable with the idea of sex for any number of reasons like being asexual, being young, living in a culture that is sexually repressed (for ex., the U.S. tends to treat sex as taboo in a way that’s easy to internalize), or a complicated tangle of those reasons and others. That does not change the fact that for you, the idea of sex is uncomfortable. With or without a label or reason you have the right to refuse sex Always. You do not owe someone proof of why and if they demand it, cut them out of your life. 

With that said, maybe try the label of ace on for size! When I was in high school/some of college, I identified as aromantic and came out to my close friends. Currently, I don’t use the aro label (though I am still questioning), but that doesn’t mean I was wrong to come out as aro before. Ultimately, labels are a way to translate our inner experiences and communicate them to others. There’s nothing wrong with finding the current best fit with the knowledge that you may change or learn more about yourself later.

Asexuality is a spectrum and some people within the ace umbrella experience some sexual attraction or experience it under certain conditions. A term used within the a-spectrum community is “sex-repulsion,” meaning aversion to sex. This may or may not be true for any given ace person and it can also be true for non-ace or allosexual people (it’s a spectrum! it’s all a spectrum! hence the rainbow!). Here are some resources to check out and explore further:

anagnori.tumblr.com

theasexual.com

asexualityarchive.com

Please be careful though on tumblr and other social media because of what’s become known as “ace discourse” that includes a lot of vitriol and exclusion towards a-spec people. And just general arguing and nastiness on all sides that is really destructive to questioning folks like ourselves. 

All in all, if the label of asexual biromantic feels good and true and real, then it is! If it doesn’t, you still deserve your sexual and emotional boundaries. 

I hope this helps and I wish you the best <3

[questioningpositivity]

[Image Description: Four color blocks in a vertical row in alternating orange and black with white text that reads “It’s okay if your labels change / it’s okay if they stay the same / labels were made to make you feel more comfortable about yourself / use whatever labels fit you best or use none at all, it’s your choice”]

[questioningpositivity]

Hi...I have a confession/question. A year ago I was convinced that I had feelings for my best friend of the same gender. So then I started questioning and no one really believed me and I constantly thought that it was just a phase and that i was just doing it for attention or because of trauma. I recently began to notice attractive people of the opposite sex and I became scared that my attraction to women was going away. Im afraid it was a phase, and Im also quite ashamed. What do I do?

Hi there,

Wow, I’m really sorry that people doubted and invalidated your questioning, that’s a really shitty thing to go through.

Trust yourself. You were convinced that you had feelings for your friend, so you did. You experienced attraction to the same gender. That is valid and a real thing that you felt.

Now, of course, the tricky part is exploring and deciding how that fits into your identity. If labels are important for you (they are for me, but everyone is different), you might consider bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, queer, heteroflexible, or stick with questioning!

Personally, I’m questioning my gender and trying to embrace living in an in between/unknown space. I feel like I’m in a constant argument with myself about my gender trying to prove myself in some concrete direction and it fuckin sucks. I feel you on the shame part, too. I am also afraid that I’ll realize I was secretly cis the whole time and made this all up…for what? To make myself struggle?? And I try to remind myself that my experience of gender (whatever it is) is valid and REAL. I am Questioning and that’s an okay place to live.

You are welcome in my LGBTGIA+/queer community if you want to be. You are wanted here. Your confusion and pain are real. You are welcome as a questioning [lgbtqia, queer, mlm/wlw, whatever feels right to you] here.

I really hope this helps a little bit. Please try to trust and believe yourself. You deserve that <3

[questioningpositivity]

not ~cis until proven guilty~, not ~straight until proven guilty~

questioning is valid and it doesnt mean automatically allocishet until proven Other. exist in those liminal spaces. figure it out or don’t. youre not ~fake until proven real~, your experience, right now, even if its shitty, is happening and its valid. youre a person who is questioning and youre welcome to my queer community. 

[questioningpositivity]

I see a lot of posts celebrating all parts of the LGBT+ community, but there’s one part of the community I rarely see anything aboutl.

Happy Pride Month to those who are unsure and questioning their gender or sexuality.

Know that understanding your gender or sexuality isn’t always easy, and that you don’t have to stick to a label right away.

Its okay if your identity changes; you’re growing and changing each day, and your identity can as well.

You are a loved and welcomed part of the LGBT+ community and I hope you have an amazing Pride Month!

[questioningpositivity]

I see a lot of posts celebrating all parts of the LGBT+ community, but there’s one part of the community I rarely see anything aboutl.

Happy Pride Month to those who are unsure and questioning their gender or sexuality.

Know that understanding your gender or sexuality isn’t always easy, and that you don’t have to stick to a label right away.

Its okay if your identity changes; you’re growing and changing each day, and your identity can as well.

You are a loved and welcomed part of the LGBT+ community and I hope you have an amazing Pride Month!

[questioningpositivity]

There's no such thing as questioning too late. Even if you were in a place where you could explore your gender and sexuality. Even if all your friends were queer. Even if you knew all the trans lingo. There's no such thing as taking too long to realize you might not be cis or straight. Forgive yourself for not knowing before and forgive yourself for not knowing now. You are valid, your questioning is real.