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[quintential]

A Piece On Cutting My Hair Off

Because hair means everything and people treat you different and you internalize more than you think

6 months ago, I cut my beatiful layered hazelnut chest length hair into a pixie cut. I am sporting a quisi-mullet at the moment.

My hair was my protection. It had grown with me through the worst parts of my life. Every night I would admire it's length as I lovingly braided it down by back into a single plait.

When I was 18, trying to find my identity as a biracial tall woman and in India my friend told me to take my sunglasses off to confront the stares. I gave them away and felt free. My hair was my next protection. such a good one it is. whisk it off your shoulder if you don't want anything to do with someone. pull it back to get in the zone. hide your face behind those lovely strands, they don't have to look at you and you can't see them.

So on one hot summers night in Minnesota I decided that I would rid myself of it to see how I would fare.

Everyday I miss my long hair. My shield. And such a shield it was. i feel raw. naked. where is my immediate male attention, validation? Where is my justification for existence?

I don't know about you. But me, I see you and I see me from your eyes. I crave the male energy because we are told this is the ultimate gift. the prize. you get to be seen.

Take away my hair and I do not get this anymore. I am left with myself and my own power and I cannot hide behind a shield of hair no longer.

I am powerful. But I'm also decidedly there. I am responsible for my actions. Only me here now.

It's hard to know how to live for yourself and only see once. Maybe impossible. What do you think?

[quintential]

Why is this happening

my living situation goes down the drain, and no-one is innocent but some people go about it in a batshit crazy way...

i can get used to this

i could live like this

but i deserve better.

for myself, i will advocate for more.

it's not fair to let this happen to me. i will advocate for more.

i'm so dissapointed in childhood friend roommate (C). the other one... she's crazy (B) and i'll stay far away.

They both accused me of doing things I didn't do, then lying about doing said thing. seperate times, both berating me in long text paragraphs. both accusing me of not respecting them.

I didn't do that shit. but no, I don't respect them at all. I respect their personhood, and their space. But themselves? No.

I'm dissapointed in C for having such poor taste in friends. I don't respect the way she lives her life. Her boyfriend is mean to her. And a total loser to boot. She lets everyone around her take advantage of her. I guess i'm the exception, and she stands up to me.

B- oohhhh, I don't even want to get close to that. she cray, her fam cray, aint nothin i can do about that one. I'm dissapointed in MYSELF that I saw her have a public meltdown/temper tantrum before we moved in together and that didn't raise any red flags for me. I'm sad I let people treat me like shit in the past.

this whole sitch- it's a long story. a lot of things have happened. I am not innocent here. I have done bad things, careless things, disrespectful things. But the one thing I don't do: lie and steal (from people. I've shoplifted). Being accused of both is... strange. Being scapegoated is a strange feeling.

But I've been reading the lease.

i have a lot of shit over their heads, and i'll drag them down with me.

Fuck do you think you can do to me? Oh, accuse me of shit over text no less cause you're too pussy to do it to my face?

I'll move out, I'll stick yall with paying, I'll rat out alllllll your shit to your mom, i'll get us all kicked out. fuck outa here. fucking cunts.

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[quintential]

Flavour

shame-ladden is my soul

try the soup, it is bitter and salty.

never fully realized that we describe emotions using flavors! 

you’re sweet, she’s salty. bitter, are you? the old man is sour and the english written language has rich depth,,

describe yourself describe a meal

eat yourself try a taste of others.

[quintential]

HOLY SHITTTT THIS IS THE CHANGE!

Now THAT'S why I keep a record of everything. I've been planning this, mulling it over, sitting on it, getting myself ready for this, for a long time. This what?

This change! Feels good to push again.

I AM proud of myself. I will do Raina good. I will make her proud.

<3

[quintential]

It's been too long! Life now.

Hello, vast emptiness that is the internet!

It has been about two and a half months since my last post.

What has brought me back?

I've quit drugs. well, that's a big statement. weed and cigs.

this is a new era for me. I tried to drink my bottle of vodka for 10 minutes before i decided no, i don’t want to do that. I’m not sure how long this phase of headstrong doing-wellness will last, but i feel better about being in it. I will ride this wave. it will crash, but it isn’t now; why bother thinking about that if it’s not happening?

i've gotten very sick twice, less than a month apart, and that is the straw that broke the camel's back. I realized; waittttt a second, health is important. apparently smoking not only weakens your lungs, but your immune system as well.

my therapist said that i wasn't very purposeful in what i do. i told him i just spent the week at my parents, and realized i could do the whole thing sans weed. then i said i would partake after our session. to prove his wrong after our session i took an edible. regretted it. night 2 at my place no weed. this house has bad energy. makes me anxious.

Now I'm up, deliciously sober, at 1:28 am PCT. I cannot sleep because I've got a terrible toothache, which may be evidence of my very first cavity. And a lot of nerves, because I have really mucked up my first roommate venture. Now I'm having to explore that conflict and try to make something productive come out of it. I know a difficult conversation is coming, and I'm dreading it, because most of the things I am anticipating coming up I am guilty of.

Being 20 has certainly been interesting. so many things have happened. so many men! so much fighting. so much learning! so many goodbyes. newness! boredom.

This is me figuring my shit out. by shit, i mean who i am, what i want, and learning basic life skills. i've fucked up, a lot.

oh yeah! in the span i was gone i did a whole relationship, from conception to ending. speedrun!

i plan to offer to move out.

i want to make myself proud. !!!!!!!!!!!

#love you SO MUCH

[quintential]

this is me, a badly taken and cropped picture of death and an octopus. anyway

[quintential]

It turns out I don't have my period after all

I was just hoping we could fuck

That's all

No you put no effort into

Yes I need to see you always please come back

I need you

I need you

I need you

(on needing the idea of a man so badly i collapse into myself into him and turns out he was just a 20 year old with autism and i was someone who had never been held before)

[quintential]

dialogue with the self

FIX YOURSELF

I'm tired of listening to myself talk. so, I'm going to do this new thing where I talk and my computer makes it into written words. this takes up less space on my computer, and maybe will give me a new outlook on what I write.

 I keep a record of a lot of things. mainly, how I'm doing in any given situation. I like to keep a journal of my brain, in a way, and this manifests in many many videos of myself, and diary entries, in a myriad of places both digital and on paper. but what's the point?

 let me preface this by giving you a view into my life at the moment. I have reached a period of stagnation. I feel sad, and depressed. I have very little motivation to do anything at all, I feel melancholic, generally unattached to the world.

 all I want to do is curl into myself. I live in the most beautiful place in the world, San francisco, and I'm still sad.

 this is a very upsetting discovery to make. no matter where I go, I can feel sad anywhere. I sustain off the natural high of being in a new place, using the anxiety to propel me and move me forward. once it rubs off, I'm left with my own thoughts.

 yesterday, december 5th, I found myself feeling entirely stupidly bored. I recognize that there are things I would like to change in my life. I've recently quit cigarettes, about a week ago. this is good, but I've had a cold since I've quit and have not noticed the difference in my lung capacity yet- probably because I'm still smoking copious amounts of marijuana. I've been getting sick at least once a month this whole year, pretty much. I'm forced to sit down and be with my body, and recognize that it's trying to tell me something.

 so what do I need to change? well, I realized that I am incredibly addicted to and dependent on weed. I smoke weed, or adjust it in some kind of way every single day. the weed supports one of my other biggest bad habits, which is overeating. they go hand in hand. the loss of self-control that weed brings  pacifies my self-hatred and allows me to indulge in one of my favorite coping mechanisms, which is eating until I cannot move. The judgment rod is spared until later, the shame i will not have to confront until i wake up and look at my stomach in the mirror the next morning. I always look at my stomach in the morning.

 I also need more friends.  I do not thrive in my comfort zone.  to grow, actually- to function at all- I must be out of my comfort zone. because my comfort zone is what I'm doing right now. it's being alone, in my room, and my bed, depressed, eating, and watching nonsensical things to keep my brain from thinking too hard.

 I know what I need. at this point of my life I have watched myself go through a cycle, this pattern so many times that I feel pretty aware of what's going on inside of me. I know what to fix, I know what's holding me back, but at the same time I am so incredibly blind. Because even though I know what I need to do, I do not want to change. being high feels so good. being alone feels so safe. but I have my longings.  if I try to actualize my longings, it will be good for me, but it will also lead to exhaustion and inevitable hurt. I don't feel very resilient.

 I don't really have much else to say. I think I've talked myself into circles. I'm done. 

Why is the sad so there? why does life feel so heavy? what am I doing wrong? I know you're supposed to just keep getting hurt, and get up again, and hurt others, and get up again, and keep getting hurt, and get up again

 when will it end? Am i suicidal?  do I mumble? I want to join a cult.  I want to be safe. I've tried to quit weed before and I’ve failed. I know it's more complicated than this, but it feels like it's already too late for me. talking about this makes me want to run away. makes me want to book a ticket to india, travel anywhere really, try and forget. but I can't do that. I have to stay here. I don't get to always run away. be better. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes. It’s ok to rest. I think.

[quintential]

Nothing

Is happening in my life right now and I'm so bored

.

That's all

right, so

what does one do when they are bored?

my class starts soon.

i wish i had something vapid in my life happening right now to distract me.

but i won't do anything productive with my boredom

it's mine.

fuck writing i didn't mean to create anything at all

maybe i'll go hook up with someone

whatever

i wont even do that

....

boredom

does nothing

drive around?

no money..... 

ok.

i'll always have money

i was talking about that with my therapist

i should go to trader joes...

i'm going to go back to brown hair and grow it out.

thats something to do.

i also need to .... quit smoking weed. this one is gonna hurt. i'm not ready to fully let go. cigs is a first step, though.

i have goals.

hold down a job

graduate college

stop smoking weed

go to the gym and stay active

develop new hobbies

make new friends

be successfull in school

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too sad to focus on anything

too angry

too defeated

fuck nothing matters

everything matters,

and i'm not getting what i want.

i fear my newfound care for politics is because of boy and not because of me. which is sad. 

and i am afraid of that.

i am afraid of losing myself

and doing things for the wrong reasons

i want to hole up inside myself

curl up into a ball inside my chest.

this is where i live right now;

i am curled tightly into a ball in my heart,

deep within

i am mourning. i am grieving.

the state of the country.

the 

fuck

fuck

fuck

i am numb

not enough

i am sad

saw boy in training room. tap on shoulder. small wave small smile. small wave small smile back. no words.

[quintential]

On taking important classes that are also traumatizing and heavy and terrible

learning 

is overwhelming

and depressing

and makes me wanna crawl into a hole and die

i must persevere

i must

i must

[quintential]

Hi hi

the world is burning

but have hope that's all we have

don't let them take away your fight

get mad get angry use it

hope for better

hope for your children your lovers your friends

your home

we will all be okay

[quintential]

[quintential]

Imagine this:

You're a teenage girl who thinks you're irrevocably broken and unwanted

You're in love with the world and nothing else.

In love with the birds the and sun

The wind, and the trees that lovingly embrace

You think-

These people I see below my feet

not meant for me

These beautiful whole creatures

They look soft and warm but

So so scary

You think,

I'll watch from my glass box in the sky

Safe

And want

But never touch

I'll pretend,

But never open my box;

We can touch hands

With the smooth cold glass in between us,

Ok?

And, you think this is satisfying

"This is just fine for me"

You think

But

You're so

Lonely.

You travel inside your box to faraway lands to fix this.

You think you'll explore and your box and you inside it will be just fine

One day

your glass box fractures.

A tiny bit, but

It's there

The cracks spread

You trace the patterns

And pretend they don't mean what you think

They do

Then

Your glass box breaks

And you fall

And feel the

Wind

For the first time

Whistling through your ears

You land ,

And feel the grass the trees the birds the sun

Oh

Is this what

It's supposed to be like?

Yes,

Because you're a teenage girl

Who thinks she's irrevocably broken and unwanted

And

You're

Wrong.

So shut up and

GET MOVING

Love,

Future you <3