quixoticquintessentialquiz - Tumblr blog

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

My brain is not usually, anymore, in a dark ugly place. I kind of reconnected with that persona when interacting with that your persona. When I was offline it disappeared again. Kind of like when one reads an old journal and every ugly thought you had gets relived and you are back in a time machine to that place in your mind. And you get an urge to confess and confess and confess and confess. I have that toxic habit, and I am slowly learning that it doesn't really feel good.

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

I realized after I made the posts I did a few years ago I was using my own emotional reasoning and limiting beliefs about myself:

A. Because during that period of time I was in a very dark place of mind in general, in a way that had nothing directly to do with you, so that's going through my mind. And also all the cringe moments and the wondering over the years if that was why you left.

B. I think a lot of gay people go through a phase of worrying that that will seem creepy to other people of their sex because of the stigma and shame, but especially because of my own history with my step-sister and how that fucks with my mind and sense of boundaries and basically all I knew about shit was a bunch of her SA stories so that was my baseline reality of thinking all intimacy is a horror show. Which was a reason why I have avoided gay relationships because I want people to still have that sense of safety. I would rather have a healthy friendship than a dysfunctional relationship.

So, no, I wasn't intentionally out to hurt you, but I can definitely understand if your spider senses were tingling because of how fucked up my brain was at the time in general. I can imagine how you would feel your boundaries were violated. And I can understand that your "get the fuck out of there" choice was probably the best one you could make for yourself at the time.

However, I changed my mind that I don't think I am doomed to hurt people. I just need to listen more to others and probably have a lot more therapy. Telling myself over and over that I think I am incapable of being too close to people has stunted my growth and avoided actually being able to work on the problem itself. There's this idea that either you are a bad person or a good person. But if you only think you could be considered a secretly bad person, then what's the motivation to grow if you decided you are afraid you can't help it. Ultimately I want connection like anyone else, its the way I am going about it that is the problem.

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

I have been currently wondering what it is that you are specifically referring to. I am going back through memories, as I know there were a few moments I said things that I retrospectively thought were cringe/creepy and regretted:

I think there was this one point when I shared a dream that had you in it that involved hickies or something. That I admit was overstepping.

There was that one point I admitted to being a porn watcher and I think I started to mention the incident with my step-sister. That of course wasn't flirting, it was admitting personal information about myself because it felt weird keeping information from you.

Once I asked why we never dated or if you ever had a crush on me, in that case given the evidence those were fair questions.

I think once I mentioned that you looked sexy in one of your prom pics when we were high school age? I can see why that would make you uncomfortable

Not sure if that one time that I visited you in college and I put my arms around your shoulders made you uncomfortable? You seemed fine with it at the time and I remember that we did a boundaries questionnaire thing and your said you were fine with cuddling, but I also realize that I don't think I asked in the moment.

Obviously contacting you repeatedly after you ghosted me. That wasn't salacious in any way, I was just really convinced that whatever it was could get solved if we communicate. Obviously I really had to learn proper boundaries and space.

I am intentionally naming what I remember. As part of collective processing.

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

"Avoidance Interferes with Processing of Trauma"

"Research has begun to shed light on the reasons posttraumatic reactions continue for some individuals. Most experts on the effects of trauma agree that making sense of, or "processing," the trauma is an important part of recovery. A survivor whose processing of the trauma is interrupted may be more likely to experience sustained distress. As we go about our lives, our minds are continually processing events we experience. Our brains have a strong inclination to organize and catalog all the information we take in so that we can easily access it later to help inform our decisions. Processing is the term used to describe that system of making sense of, organizing, and storing all of our experiences. Think about what happens after you watch a movie with a lot of plot twists. You may find yourself going over the plot in your head several times, trying to make sense of the story. If you have a lingering question about some part of the film, it may continue to come into your mind snd nag at you until you figure it out. After processing it you can file away you memory of the movie and turn to other matters without finding yourself distracted by it. Similar processing occurs after stressful events. Think about a stressful event from which you've recovered. Chances are after it happened, you thought about it for a while, trying to make sense of it. You probably told other people your story, which also can help you process the experience. After a period of thinking and talking about it, you were able to leave it behind and focus on other things. But what if you hadn't processed the event, either because other events interfered with your processing or because for various reasons, you didn't allow yourself to think about what happened? ... When a trauma survivor fails to process an event during or after the experience, the trauma memory remains "unfinished business". The survivor's mind will continue efforts to process the memory either at night in his dreams or when it is brought up by a reminder of the event while he is awake. Once the memory enters the consciousness, it brings with it all the sensations, feelings, and meanings that the person associates with the event."

pg. 50-53 When Someone You Love Suffers Posttraumatic Stress

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

Just googled something:

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

Oh, yeah and I saw an iron-on patch that looked a little like this (I drew it partially from memory, not exact) at a cafe and thought of us because we are a couple of snakes.

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

I am a Cockroach

I subsist on almost nothing

I am just as happy or miserable in wealthy and poor surroundings

I see your pain and that hurts me more than any intentional effort to hurt me

I will be there:

Even if you hate me

Or if you fall from grace

Even with absence

Regardless of any role you put me in (even as an extra or background character)

I love your energy and your voice. I always turn towards it, you did a blind study to prove that.

I say ugly things often not to harm but to teach or show. People who are afraid of uncomfortable things have trouble confronting their problems (they still have the problems, they just have a hard time seeing them)

I would rather you keep your intuition than hang on my every word on how to interpret your experience.

I want you to know that my affection for you is Not primarily lustful. I would not regret your friendship any day.

If you just want me to be some far away pawn to mess with, that is fine with me. Even when you hate me, I know you love me.

Even when you hate me, you do it with creativity, connection, intelligence, and even love and some how leave me better than you found me.

I am sorry I am difficult in so many ways, I wish I was better at interacting with you in a way that wasn't painful for you

I can't control your emotions, though, I can only respond in the best way I know how at the time.

I will probably be largely without internet and I hope to get a flip phone so I will probably not be here in a while.

I am not against love, I just take it way too seriously that it turns me bitter. I would rather something that feels authentic, and nothing less. So far you have been the closest thing to that. No one can take that away from me, not even me, because organs still function even when you don't think about it. If they don't, you die. I am not dead yet.

I am not hanging on your every word to decide what value you have. You will always have the same value.

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

Shop , Patreon , Books and Cards , Mailing List

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

Everything okay?

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help. For 24/7 peer support and other resources, message KokoBot on Tumblr.

If you are in the United States, please try:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) The Trevor Project (LGBTQ youth, ages 13-24) National Eating Disorders Association (online chat, text) RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline)

If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find resources for your country.

For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

Everything’s okay

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

you can’t make a difference unless you speak up. — Speak (2004)

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

The turkey bone sculpture represents everything about melinda. She is a quiet girl so she put duct tape over the mouth of the barbie doll that she used for the head. Along with this, she used the remnants of their turkey from Thanksgiving showing that she wants to recycle and start over new. She wanted to be a new person in high school and recycle her old self but one mistake to go to a party in the summer and her new recycled personality is not what she wanted to be. The bones on the sculpture also represent how bare and stripped down melinda feels. The people see her on the outside and doesn’t really get down to the bones and know what happened to her and why she is who she is. - Speak Props

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]

Rogue wears body-concealing clothing that eliminates the possibility of accidental skin contact. -Wikipedia

The Evermore Grimoire: Mutants

Rogue (also known as Anna Marie) is a mutant with the uncontrollable ability of absorbing the energy of others through physical contact, temporarily incorporating their abilities, powers, memories and even personality with a touch, a process which wears her victims out. A runaway, Rogue was found and adopted by mutant terrorists Mystique and Destiny. She had her abilities traumatically activated when she shared her first kiss with a boy that put him into a coma. As part of Mystique’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants Rogue accidentally learned through Destiny that the super-heroine Ms. Marvel was destined to bring tragedy to their life. Deciding to secretly attack Ms. Marvel, Rogue unexpectedly absorbed her entire persona, permanently keeping not only her flight and super-strength powers but also her psyche. Gravely affected by this experience, Rogue had no choice but to seek help with Mystique’s enemy, Professor Charles Xavier, founder and leader of the X-Men. Contrary to other members’ disapproval, Xavier took Rogue in as part of the team.

[quixoticquintessentialquiz]