ranch-sauce29

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Learning to play with color. What’s your favorite?👀

[ranch-sauce29]

“I think anything is possible if you have the mindset and the will and desire to do it and put the time in.”

— Roger Clemens

[ranch-sauce29]

My warrior has been stabbed through the heart

You walked towards me showing no signs of distress. When you entered my arms the damn behind your eyes broke. Your sounds of pain shook me to unravel. You grabbed my hand and rubbed your thumb against my skin. As if I was the one who needed comfort

I sat amongst your family, trying to decipher their words. Not understanding I felt helpless. The voice in my head screamed that I wasn’t supposed to be there. I wanted to leave. I watched the clock and thought, “now’s my chance” but I couldn’t part from you. You thanked me for staying.

I watched as you fiendishly attempted to grab your vices. When you grabbed your father’s killer all I could think was, “please no.” Between chugs you shared stories, made confessions and let the tears flow. I didn’t utter a word, I responded in my thoughts but didn’t want to let the spotlight leave you. You deserved to be heard. The more I thought, “this is so unfair for you and your family” the more I broke for you

Your mom said she’d pray for me to have patience. You looked me in the eyes and confirmed the next few weeks would be hard, “I just need you by my side.” And even though I won’t be, I will wait until I can be again, because I love you

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I called bc I wanted to hear your voice. You hung up bc you’d rather game. You told me goodnight before 10pm. Ending the conversation for the day. Afterwards I thought “someone that valued me wouldn’t choose a game over me”

I don’t want to beg. That makes me feel so pathetic. Moments like this only remind me how I need to move. They only reinforce the fact that I need to redirect my love into myself.

I asked if you wanted me this morning. Straddling you where you lay. “No” Blinking back tears I got up and got ready to tackle my day

It feels like the love has been sucked out of the relationship. I only feel adored when I do nothing to reciprocate. I’ll let you chase. I can be out of reach. I can make a divide so large we can never step onto each other’s side again. I can be emotionless. I can do the bare minimum. I can make you wish for the way I was before and let you only have the memory and never the real thing ever again

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The way I’m about to move is

Overdue

Personal

Necessary

I’m going to be quiet. I’m going to pour into me. Invest in my education and build my knowledge. I’m going to maintain boundaries. I’m going to choose myself

[ranch-sauce29]

“The prettier the garden, the dirtier the hands of the gardener.”

— B. E. Barnes, Put in work.

[ranch-sauce29]

“Be with someone that requires you to grow, makes you forget your problems, holds your hand, likes to kiss, appreciates art, and adores you.”

— Unknown

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— Kriti G.

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“You will have bad times but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”

— Robin Williams

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“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

— Oprah Winfrey

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“Give people time. Give people space. Don’t beg anyone to stay. Let them roam. What’s meant for you will always be yours.”

— Reyna Biddy

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“I only called so you wouldn’t get upset”

Don’t do me any favors. Call bc we barely spoke all day besides two texts messages being sent. Call bc you want to hear the sound of my voice. Call bc you wanna make me smile.

“Yeah I miss you too but “

Don’t put a but in the same sentence. I told you I didn’t feel appreciated or valued. Sentences like these are what stick out. What drives a wedge between us more and more.

I started off by asking if I could make time after a stressful day to see you. Once again I’ve been reminded to stay home

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“I’m here. A little earlier than agreed”

“You in the car?”

I had forgotten what you looked like since I last saw you in court. Out of the two choices I remember you being taller, I choose to go right.

It wasn’t until I walked through your door when I started to change my mind from “you aren’t shit” to…

Woah. Way more than I was expecting. Way more than I thought you were capable of

You let me roam freely, it’s my job. To be a stranger with full access to your world. Just a title as my passcode into your safe.

You showed me where to search and I layed eyes on it all. I followed you to where you directed. But on the way down the stairs, it was you who was trailing after me.

There’s that craving. For dominance. Unpredictably.

Something about your tall figure taking up the space behind me changed my thoughts. I’ve only ever imagined the unspeakable with another, whose circumstances showed it was not meant to be

Lastly you walked me out and waved me off. You could’ve ignored me. You could’ve also been being descent.

I thought of the next time you’d see me. Maybe you didn’t notice me this time, but the next

Let’s just say, I’d be hard to forget

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I tell myself, “it’s a matter of circumstance”

But that’s not reality

It’s really temptation masquerading as a treat

Dipped in delulu

Sprinkled with bad choices

Served for instant gratification

And the worst part is

You never stop after just one

[ranch-sauce29]

“The distance between dreams and reality is called action.” — Unknown

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