rantbunyey

[rantbunyey]

Today has been harder than most. I’ve been a bit out of it lately, but today was hard. I don’t think I have the brain power to express myself properly. It was just hard. Difficult. There, synonyms.

I’m not unfamiliar with brain fog. This feels like fucking silent hill. I can’t complete a thought. I can barely form spoken sentences. I’m speaking one or two words at a time out loud.

It’s one of the most frustrating things. I know I’m not dumb. But it feels like I’m climbing up hill, and I’m exhausted. It doesn’t matter how brilliant I may be or how smart I think I am. Because I cannot communicate properly, I come off as a bumbling idiot. As someone with self image issues, it’s a vicious cycle.

It’s been so frustrating. I’ve been trying to learn a new language for the past year. I either cannot motivate myself because I cannot focus, or I’m like this and I can barely process a single thought. How the fuck do I get out of this? I feel trapped in my own mind. I feel like I was meant to do so much more, but I feel shackled.

I’ve been spending too much time in bed from the moment I get off work. Then I still can’t get up in the morning to go to work. What am I doing all of this for? What is my purpose? Who even cares?

I know that there are people who care about me, but it still feels so empty. I’ve been told before. There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just working on things. The first time I heard it, I cried. Now, it just feels empty.

I’m worried about my upcoming vacation. Other than the other things I’ve talked about. I worry that taking a break from things I thought were stressing me out will just make me realize that I can’t escape it no matter where I am. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel invisible. I feel unloved. It fucking hurts so much.

[rantbunyey]

A little bit of a rocky week. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. It’s tough dealing with depression, but that’s not really news to anyone. I do have people who look out for me, I know this, but it doesn’t keep me from feeling alone.

The last thing I want to do is come off as a lonely person who clings on to others just because I’m lonely. That’s honestly far from the case. People who know me know that I wear my heart on a sleeve, and bare my soul even when I shouldn’t.

There’s often a lot of frustration for me. I feel like I spend a lot of time looking after other people, but I can count on one hand the number of times a month someone actually asks me how I’m doing, beyond as a simple greeting. Truth is, I’m not okay most of the time, but people rarely want to hear that either. Sometimes I just need a hug, but those are far and in between. I just feel so lost and empty sometimes. I don’t expect any one person to fix that, but I do think that having people I care about tends to help me focus my goals and find purpose.

I’m suddenly thinking back to an old teacher of mine who took his own life. I know he was lonely and didn’t have people to care, but I recall talking into the void to him. I wished him the best in the next life, and told myself that I could never do that to the people in my life. A few years ago, a good friend also took their own life. That was so difficult, and I didn’t know how to process it. I just felt empty. Another of my close friends told me that they felt alone in it, because I didn’t seem to care the same. It hurt me a lot, because people in my life are my sole motivation some days. I just… don’t process grief the same ways as others I suppose. It’s beyond just being sad. I was so drained that I couldn’t express sadness, anger, anything. But to others it looked like I didn’t care, at least not until I could cry again. That other close friend of mine is now also consumed with depression over various things. They’ve talked about not wanting to be alive anymore, and it hurt me so much more than I was able to express. I know the chance of them doing something dumb is low, but I can’t help but worry. If I lost this friend, I don’t know how I would carry on. This is one of the most important people in my life and the thought of being without them scares me.

I know that humans adapt. If I lost everything today, could I survive? Sure. But I’d continue being empty. Even more empty. It scares me.

I’ve been meeting with a therapist every few weeks to talk things through. I don’t know if it’s helping. I just rant a bit like I do here, then my time is up. I do like that therapist though. I was just finally getting comfortable with her but…

She’s transferring me to someone else. She’s going on leave, and says that if things don’t work out with the new therapist she can take me back when she returns. Still, it’s set up as a permanent move. I know it’s not meant to be personal, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit abandoned. I have major abandonment issues, I’ve come to realize. Which is almost funny, because well…

제가 좋아하는 여자가 있습니다. I’ve talked about her, but I also know that she… has some commitment issues. Perfect match, ammirite?

I’m bouncing back and forth. Some days I am prepared for the worst. Other days I’m optimistic. Other days, I just… don’t have the ability to process or look forward to anything. I’m looking forward to seeing her. I intend to tell her how I feel, even if it’s casually letting her know. As I said before, I don’t think there’s any way that she doesn’t know already, but I’ve never actually told her. I know I need to be ready to get turned down. In fact, I expect it even if the feelings are mutual. I just… don’t know what to do after that. It leaves me wondering if I just shouldn’t say anything at all, but I know myself. If I don’t say anything, I’ll regret it and it will absolutely consume me. So it may hurt if I get turned down, but… it’s better to know I suppose. I feel like I’m too old for this. Too old to have someone make me feel this happy, and to worry that I’ll be heartbroken the next moment. I know that I tend to fall for people who are almost out of reach, but I’m stubborn. I like her so much, and I don’t find myself being remotely interested in anyone else in comparison. So this could absolutely break me.

But I already feel broken a lot of the time. People say I’m not broken, just need to work on a few things. I’m losing sight of what that means though. Life is hard. I know others have certain things worse, but I almost forget what it’s like to be happy sometimes. I know people don’t care as much as I do sometimes because they’re not insane lol, but I give it my all when it comes to emotions. I need to protect myself, I know. But… I dunno. I’m excited to see her. But I’m scared. But I have to do this.

[rantbunyey]

Am I being naive?

If so, I’m doing it willfully, apparently. A good friend of mine reached out this week, after not having spoken in months aside from sharing memes here and there. Long story short, he’s trying to market himself and his business, and recruit. Like… the MLM stuff all over again. I don’t think that what they offer is a bad thing, and can actually be really helpful for some people. Still, to have someone who i once considered to be like a brother talk to me in salesman mode and push SO hard like I’m just a potential client… it stings a little.

Another friend reached out, and told me that unfortunately his relationship didn’t work out. I understand, and have always been understanding when he disappeared on us for over a year. I tried so hard to hang out sometimes, and yes I did get frustrated. Well, he’s free to hang out again now that he’s out of the relationship. I don’t hold it against him, but it does color my image of friendships. Perhaps I’m the crazy one. For me, choosing friends becomes a game of loyalty. I don’t necessarily expect others to see it the same way, I really don’t. But when I invest in a friendship, you can expect me to be loyal, and to give my all. This has gotten me in trouble in the past, and I know that sometimes my close friends worry that I’ll get taken advantage of. I appreciate that, but I would have it no other way. Unless it leads me to complete ruin of course. The way I see it, if I didn’t give someone my all, then I didn’t really try. If the friendship or relationship falls, I want to say that I did everything that I could within my capacity. All the eggs in my singular basket may get crushed… but we adapt. I’ll find more eggs eventually, even if I leave myself suffering until then. Lack of self care things.

So back to her. She’ll be busy in the coming weeks, and from this point on until the next vacation. We’ve been here before, but I’m a little needy. Which makes me know how hard a long distance thing could be on me. Still, I know that while I can be insecure, I’m also very trusting. So… could it work? I want to say yes. I would do everything I could to make it work, because at this point in time, it is the thing that I want most in the world. I don’t think she’s in a place to give her all though, and I understand that. I’m half expecting to be completely heart broken at the end of the month, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. And like I said, I don’t want to say that I didn’t try. As much of a blind eye as I try to turn to it, or to make an effort to be oblivious or naive, I do think that she feels something for me too. I just… don’t know if she’s willing to let it be more than that. More than just hints of feelings between a boy and a girl. The la criox of romance.

I stop and think about whether I could carry on the same even if I get hard rejected. I’d certainly have to readjust my priorities, either way. It’s difficult. It will continue to be difficult. But if I wasn’t willing to fight for someone I love, then how much did I really care? I’m a hopeless romantic, and I always have been. I know she’s much more muted in her emotions, but she does some cute things for me that make my heart beat out of my chest. It’s weird, being happy and sad at the same time.

I just know that something has to change in our relationship. Whether I accept that we’ll never be more than friends, or if we try to go somewhere with this. As it is, not knowing… I love every moment I get to spend with this person. And yet, it leaves me feeling so lonely and wanting more. Maybe I’ll never truly shake that feeling. But I have to work on dialing down the intensity. That’s what this blog is for. For me to be crazy, so I don’t express my crazy IRL. Let’s see how much that helps.

[rantbunyey]

It's acting up again

My worries, and insecurities. My sense of being left out. I know that I can't expect people to care about me as much as I care about them. I know I often have a tendency to invest my time and energy into things and people that I probably shouldn't.

She talked about it a little today, the idea of situationships. Weird term, but maybe I'm just old. She said that being in a situationship is fine, talking to people and flirting, but it's not a relationship. "being in a relationship but being unable to see the person is a no no for me". I understand that, but I guess I'm stubborn. I haven't even gotten to tell her how I really feel yet, and it feels like I've been handed a rejection. The thing that sucks is feeling like she may have feelings for me too, but the distance being the barrier. I know people have a choice in who they come to know, and who to love, but I always seem to pick people in the wrong place, or wrong time. I'm trying not to dwell on my bad feelings too much, because I know I'm also frustrated with a few other things at this very moment. I don't want to take that negative energy into thinking about her. Still, life is unfair at times. I know it is, but for once in my life I just wish I could have something that I really wanted.

I have friends. I have people I care about. I have many things, and yet it feels like I can never have the things that I truly want. They just feel so out of reach, for one reason or another. Maybe it's just my mind at the moment, and I need to take a step back again. But since I can recall, my emotions get the better of me. I just care too much, and I can't stop thinking about her. For once, I just wish that someone I cared about in that way could feel a fraction of what I feel for them. It's just... hard. I know it's not the end of the world to not get affection from one person, but it still leaves me feeling unloved. Unlovable. Always okay, good even, but never good enough.

I still have a month to sort things out I suppose. I don't know whether I should even bother telling her how I feel. Will it just make things awkward? As I said in the last post, there's no way she doesn't know. Continuing to talk to me and see is a good sign of our friendship, but am I betraying that trust if I come forward with my feelings? I'm nervous. I'm scared. But... I know that things don't come to people who do not take risks. At the end of the day, am I confident that I can move forward even if I'm rejected? Yeah, I can. I've done it before, and have stayed friends with many people that I had feelings for. What I worry about is whether it'll change the way they see me. How they interact with me. I'm scared. I don't think things will go TERRIBLY even if it doesn't turn out the way I'd like, but I do have a lot to lose this time.

I'll figure it out when I get there I suppose.

[rantbunyey]

Hello, been over 8 years.

I know the landscape of Tumblr has changed wildly, and yet I find myself here again. I've tried my hand at other blogs, but there's still something familiar and comfortable here. While this place might not be the best for blogging nowadays, well... who is going to care or even see?

I originally made this blog page because it was my place to rant. Away from my other page where I reposted memes and shitposted. So, I'm back for some more of that. I did draft out another post talking about the difficulties that I've had over the past decade. Things have been up and down, and down again, but that's nothing I haven't talked about before. Still working on myself and surprisingly still finding myself growing and changing in certain ways, even if things around me don't change so much. So I thought... why not take a different approach today, and talk about something that's been on my mind that actually makes me happy. Allow me to talk about her.

Who is her? Who is she?

She is someone who I've known for probably 4 years now, but still makes my heart flutter when I hear her voice. I've had a few relationships here and there over the years. Nothing that got very far in progression, but I've dated. Still, what is it about her that warrants its own happy post? Well, she's not exactly someone I'm in a romantic relationship with. I suppose you can just say that she's someone that I have a massive crush on.

She is a friend. I've always been a bit hesitant to talk about it, because I'm afraid of putting my feelings into words sometimes. She's someone who I've become friends with over the past few years. For the past 2 years or so, we've exchanged at least one message nearly every day, even if it's just a meme or two. Still, she's been one of the constants in my life as of late, and that's due to no small effort on my part. Regardless of the circumstances, she is a friend that I chose. Not a friend that I just happened to sit near in class, not someone I happen to be near due to work or commute... she's someone I chose to get to know.

She is someone that I've had feelings for well over a year now. Last year I drew a Valentine's day card, and this year I gave her chocolates. Perhaps I'm overstepping since we're not in a relationship, but sometimes I wonder if I didn't convey my feelings well, short of just spilling my guts and word vomiting like I've done in the past. I worry about these things. Given the circumstances of our friendship, I have to question whether it's okay for me to feel this way. Given our dynamic, is it okay to feel this way? Even if it's fine for me to have these feelings, is it okay for me to tell her how I feel? I think that my behavior over the past few years have indicated that I'm interested... like... there's no way that she doesn't know, right? And yet, I'm afraid to ask. The thing is...

She doesn't live near me. This is a long distance friendship. Between work schedules and different time zones, I've made an effort to talk to her as much as I can, but it's still tough sometimes. We've... never actually met in person yet. It's... a little embarrassing to admit honestly, but spending time talking to her is one of the things I look forward to most every day. It's one of the things that when I'm down about life, about myself, hearing her voice can always bring a smile to my face. So we've never met face to face, but we will soon.

She recently sent me a gift pack and a letter as a surprise, and my dumb ass was grinning ear to ear as I grabbed the package from the mailroom. I almost tripped over a dozen things trying to get into my apartment to open it. The letter was just a friendly letter of appreciation, but like I mentioned earlier... feeling seen is one of the things that I wanted most. So yes, I was still smiling like an idiot reading every word slowly. A faint scent of her perfume on the letter - my heart was beating out of my fucking chest and I had to reread each sentence 2-3 times before I could make any sense of it through the deafening sound of my heartbeat. Am I the dumb one here? Does this mean anything? I know there's a lot of uncertainty. One thing that I'm sure of in this moment is how much I care about this person, and how much I want to be there for this person, and have fun times and memories together. But... one thing at a time. I'm going to see her soon.

All I know is that right now, I'm looking forward to seeing a good friend that happen to have admired for a while now. I'm excited, but also so so nervous and anxious.

So, who is she? Someone who is very important to me.

And to end on a gushy note...

Say you want me with you here, beside you Anywhere you go, let me go too That's all I ask of you

I'm out.

[rantbunyey]

I’m not doing enough with my life so

I find myself living vicariously through the lives of my friends. Blehhh.

To say that I’ve been frustrated lately would be an understatement. It all goes back to that same lack of purpose feeling. It’s hard because I feel that in order to live my life to the fullest, I need to find a purpose, but in order to find a purpose, I need to live life... fuller? 

It feels like I’ve wandered into some back alley with no way of turning back. Like, sometimes I wake up and it just hurts. Everything does. I think of where I want to go or what I want to do, but I can’t even think past tomorrow let alone 5 or 10 years from now.

I know there is more to life, but when will I figure out what it is, and where will it come from? I know I lack motivation and ambition, but it’s so hard to have either of those when all I feel is depression, one of the top killers of motivation and ambition. I know that saying that it’s hard isn’t getting me anywhere either, and that the answer is to “suck it up” and do something about it, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? What am I living for?

I talk to people and they all seem to say “all you have to do is THIS” and THIS always ends up being so far out of reach. 

All that being said, it is the Winter season once again and I have been known to suffer from SAD. Been this way for as long as I can remember. It’s just getting harder to deal with as I get older, ya feel? 

I have ideas as to what I want to do, but nothing I can really capitalize on or make money off of. If it is something that has a remote chance, then usually people scoff at me like it’s below them. I’m not satisfied with my current job, but I’m not ashamed of it either. People like to make a fuss about like oh poor you, wow when will you find a real job? I hate that feeling of people looking down on me. As shitty as things get where I’m at, I’m good at what I do, and someone has to do it ya?

Anyways running in circles again as usual. I’m kind of an emotional mess nowadays, so please bear with me lol. heading to martial arts soon, at least there’s that. It’s another can of worms, that class, but I’ll address that another time.

[rantbunyey]

I'm having a bit of a downer night. While I love having my friends in my life, I feel like I'm missing so much. For those who don't know, I started hitting up raves this year. I love my rave group as well, always loving and fun, but I do really wish to go with my high school friends to one also. These peeps are my family. They're my best friends, and I sincerely mean that. The thing is, I don't like inviting myself into someone else's group. I know that on the surface it doesn't seem to be that big of a deal, but I don't want to burden someone by making them feel like they have to babysit me since I don't know people in the the group. Most of that I me being awkward and antisocial, but sometimes I don't know how to act... well... normal haha. I'm a really quiet person and I acknowledge that. I'm not one of those people who leave the impression of "I love this guy, I wanna hang with him again." I try, but I don't know how to do so, or how I ended up like this to begin with. It really frustrates me. I mentioned this to a close friend today, and he told me that I'm welcome any time, but I know that it's not as easy as that. That's me being negative yeah, but I don't know how to integrate within my group of friends, much less into THEIR group. You can look up all the self help stuff you want, but learning how to be a person is something I feel like I just kinda lack haha. I don't know how to let myself be happy, or to believe in myself. I guess sometimes I just don't really know what my role is in our group. Aside from being a friend, I feel like my existence there is forgettable. People would miss me if I vanished, but their individual dynamics wouldn't change much at all. I don't feel like there's a vital role that I play, and that lack of purpose really eats at me. It's kinda funny. All this is both the reason and my frustration of being single. I think I'd be happy if I had someone by me, and yet I can't find someone if I'm not happy to begin with. I'm just generally unhappy with my life, and while the answer is to change, I don't know how to, or where to start. I'm a nice guy, and that's about it. There's so much more to being a person than being nice. What is my purpose? My calling? There are tons of other factors in here that come into play. Work, education, that kinda stuff. I recall a professor of mine telling me that I'm smart and praised me as a person, and it really felt good to be acknowledged. I feel like I let myself slip from that state, and it's not something I can jump back into. I see people around me that work so hard and deserve everything they've earned. I have so much respect for them, but I'm also so envious that they have their lives mapped out. What am I doing? I feel like I don't have time for anything anymore. I work, come home and it's late. I bullshit until it's too late to get enough sleep and I rinse and repeat. I'm just fucking sad sometimes. Emotion wise and in terms of being one sad mofo lol. Getting down on myself don't help of course, but staring up from the bottom of a well just really crushed hope sometimes. I'd like to hope and dream again someday, but... some days things feel so bleak. I get to see my friends again tomorrow, and while I enjoy their company, being around them reminds me of the things I lack as well. Sometimes life hurts. I don't know how to turn this around. I'll cut it out and go to bed. I gotta put on my happy face for my friends tomorrow. That sounds shitty, but it's the least I can do to give everyone a good time haha.

[rantbunyey]

One of those nights, where perhaps I have a little too much time on my hands to spend deep in thought.

I was more or less having an average night, but received a text from a coworker asking if I was free to cover him tomorrow. Problem is that I already agreed to meet some friends for lunch. It’s not a big deal if I were to cancel, but I don’t like changing plans on people when I’ve already established them. Still, I feel bad for telling my coworker that I would be busy, sorry. I suppose on the surface, I really shouldn’t. I typically M-F now that bro is trying to give me Saturdays off, happened to not need me to come in today either though, so this week was M-Th. My coworker is typically only free Friday Saturday, so we try to schedule those days for him.

So now I just feel kinda bad for not providing a solution to him or my bro. I guess I feel a little selfish, though from an outside perspective it’s not my responsibility to oversee these things. It’s just that I know it sucks working Fri-Sat if it means that you don’t really get to let loose on Friday night. I’ve been working saturdays for so long now that I got kinda used to it, but it always kinda sucked when something came up and I needed to schedule it around work. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if I canceled on my friends, but I just hate being a flake, and I dislike putting others at an inconvenience at the same time (multiple parties in this case, in either scenario).

I want to be able to give my coworker, my friend a little bit of a break because we all need one here and there, but I just really didn’t want to change my plans for it. Sounds selfish when phrased like that, but I have this whole thing where I always try to be a people pleaser, and... I don’t think it’s fair to myself that I try to be that guy 90% of the time. Mixed feelings.

Fortunately, my bro got one of the newer kids to fill in. The only problem there is that we run crews of 2, usually one senior tech (Me, this coworker, or my bro) and one assistant tech. My bro has his own project sites tomorrow, and without me or coworker, that leaves 2 newbie techs. They’re not necessarily new to it, it’s more that their personalities aren’t really suited for face-time with our customers when it comes to talking, explaining,and troubleshooting. I believe that they can get the work done though, so at least there’s that. I don’t know if this is our doing and we’ve babied them too much, but some people are suited to certain roles and I just don’t feel like they’re really in that role quite yet. It should be fine though, as long as they remember everything that we taught them haha.

I suppose part of this weird feeling is just a bit of my frustration with work, and career stuff in general. I’ve been here so long with that “I gotta move on” feeling, but I haven’t made that step to leave yet, and then the busy season rolls around and basically my leaving would cause the ship to sink. Halfway at least. This is my brother’s business, so I can’t do that to him, ya feel?

Still, again I’m left in this limbo of what the hell am I doing with my life.

Raising 2 pigeons. That’s not a metaphor, I’m literally raising 2 pigeons. It;s a funny story. For later. Anyawys, just needed to vent a bit. 

[rantbunyey]

I swear man. So power was out on a certain circuit because one of the wires burned due to too much electricity being drawn. I was out, and my dad had his friend come over to look at the problem. They had to check an outlet in my room, and it was behind a shelf of mine so he had to clear it. By clear it, I mean he threw all my shit on my bed and the floor. It's past 1am and I gotta clear this crap before going to bed so I don't have to sleep on my things haha. The stuff on the floor though, he decided to literally scatter some notes I kept, photos, electronic parts. What the hell dude. All he had to say was to tell me not to keep so much trash. Do I have stuff I probably don't need? Yeah. But all my shit is all over the place now and if some of my momentos and keepsakes go missing oooooh I'll probably cry. Sigh.

[rantbunyey]

I don't write here very often.

I originally created this page as a more serious oriented blog, while I kept my main one as a reblog and random shit blog. Still, a blog is a blog, and I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to right now. I can always reach out to some people who I know will try and snap me out of it, but that's not really what I need. I don't know what I need honestly. All I know is that I'm a little broken right now. I spill my guts to the world with a single tag just to make it visible, and yet invisible in the endless sea that is the internet. I feel broken. Things that should work a certain way just don't. I'm depressed and it amazes me that I can even get up in the morning sometimes. We all talk about depression as something that is important, but I recognize when people are thinking "shut up, quit bitching" and "what do you have to complain about?" I find it more often than not that I'm extremely lonely. Not just in terms of romantic partnership of course, I can't even fathom that right now. Why? Everyone deserves happiness right? That's precisely why. It's not much of a secret, but I don't like myself very much. I could say that I dislike myself. If I don't like how I am, why don't I just change? See... it's not that easy. I view myself from an outside perspective and see so much I dislike. The qualities that I admire about myself are often left unnoticed or unappreciated. So because I have such disdain for myself, I can't bring myself to out myself around others. I don't want to bring down the mood because I know I can't hide jack shit. So I shoot little texts and messages to remind people, and myself that I'm alive. They're not worth replying to, so the messages just sit there, read or unread. It doesn't really matter. Some days I feel like the only reason I'm alive is because I don't want to hurt those around me. I'm not suicidal in a conventional sense, but there are days I wish I could just disappear. I drive and grip my steering wheel hard just wondering where I could end up if I just decided not to stop. I crave acknowledgement at times and I understand when people don't give it to me. It's not their responsibility to amuse my attention whoring self haha. I simultaneously crave and fear fading away. I just feel trapped, like having tires stuck in the mud. I've just gotten to the point where I feel it's futile and stop gassing. Stepping back I do understand that these feelings will pass and all. Things do get better. I'm smart enough to survive. But surviving is not living. I do not know what it really means to live. It's just that I don't know my place in the world or if there really is one for me. I don't even know if what I say is true. I don't know what I believe. I just know that I'm a wreck. I am delressed. People tell me that they're sad and that they have no friends. I can't bring myself to say "me too", but simply offer that I'm there at least, and that things get better even though I don't know. Truth is, aside from a few close friends, and I mean a few, I don't have much going on socially. I love parties and going out, I really do. I just don't have friends that I do that with. I go out with acquaintances and find myself so stressed from figuring out how to interact with others that I just don't enjoy myself. I guess the main problem is that I feel like I don't deserve nice things. I feel like I have so little to offer. Yeah, I'm nice. That's really all people have to say about me, if that. I'm the quiet guy, and that's what people remember and forget me for. I guess I'm just a little tired of it and don't know how to change without acting like someone I'm not. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. My heart is literally aching because I'm so lost and lack all direction. I miss my friends, I miss my best friend, but I don't want to bombard them with random shit like this when they're out enjoying themselves. I don't want to be a liability or a burden, and truthfully that's all I feel like I am, as I am now. I'm broken but I don't know what's broken. I'm missing pieces to a puzzle of an image I can't even recognize. I just feel... ugly. Something that people don't like to see because I'm just fucking sad to look at. I don't know who to turn to because I hate people, and I hate people because I hate myself. Fuck. Just a lot on my mind, a lot to get off my chest and just endless words that mean nothing. I'm particularly mad that I bought a whiskey I don't particularly care for but... it is what it is. I'll be fine until the next breakdown. It just hurts in the meantime.

[rantbunyey]

Compliments vs Cat Calling

There are a few (several) ((many)) basic differences between complimenting and cat calling. Since I could probably write a book on the subject, I'll just focus on just a few: purpose, delivery, and result. Not digging up any dictionaries here, just going off of observed definitions, but a compliment is pointing about something about someone in a positive way that makes the person feel good about themselves. Cat calling, the way we talk about it at least, usually refers to someone pointing out something about someone in order to get a response of some sort. "Thank you" COULD be one of those responses, so it's understandable why there might be some blur between the two. So why do people cat call? I can't speak for everyone, but USUALLY to bait a reaction. Going with the whole "fish in the sea" analogy, cat calling is equivalent to casting a line out to sea, and seeing if you get a bite. Now, people will argue with me here that they don't expect to catch anything and they were just leaving a compliment, but if not to catch a fish, why cast the line? See what happens when you see a fish swim by your hook and y'all be like "damn bitch ass fish too good for my bait?" I exaggerate. Still, if you're simply giving a compliment, it shouldn't really matter what the response is, because you're simply giving. This would be the dude who brings a can of worms to the pier and dumps it all in the water. He doesn't expect anything from the fish, he just feels good about feeding them. As I mentioned though, there are various possible reactions to cat calling, or hell, even compliments (Given that usually cat calling involves "hollering" in a literal sense in terms of volume, with examples being anything that starts with "damn", "aye gurl" or "yo ma"). Cat calling is usually delivered via a scrub (aka a man who aint gettin no love from me) However, you kinda have to think about how it affects the people being complimented or cat called. Complimenting people makes them feel good, cat calling? Who knows? Let's go back to the fish. Let's say that not all fishermen are trying to kill or eat the fish. Let's say in a strange alternate world, 80% of fishermen are catching the fish to move them to a safer habitat or to benefit the fish in some way. That 20% is still trying to kill your ass. Even if 80% of guys are complimenting you, there's still that 20% trying to get you into the car, get you to come with them, get you to do some shit (Trust me, I know how wrong these percentages are haha). Now, just like how "not all men" are after you in some way, not all women like getting picked up. In fact, just think about the last time a homegirl told you about how this dude rolled up in a car and boosted her confidence in her booty. The thing is that even IF the chances were 50/50 between taking it as a compliment and feeling uncomfortable, you're still taking a 50% gamble that you might make them uncomfortable, or even worse, scared for their damn lives. To me, if there's that possibility, probably better to play it safe and just... not. (For those trying to catch a fish, I ain't saying it's bad to try, just TALK to someone NORMALLY instead of shouting "compliments" ya? Makes sense?) Just because it worked someone, or even you, once or twice doesn't mean everyone reacts the same way, and that should be okay with you. What shouldn't be okay with you is if you do so knowing that some, if not most, girls, women, actually feel fear and discomfort. They don't know you and they don't know what you want, it's a fair reaction. Still though, if complimenting people and making them feel good about themselves is what you're about, that shouldn't restrict your compliments to one gender. "BUT I'M NOT GAY!" shouted the scheming ass fisherman.The fact that dudes will call other dudes gay for complimenting them is a problem in itself for another day. I challenge serial complimentors to expand their compliments, and for facks sake, try be specific. (Remember, I'm talking about people who legit think they're just complimenting people). "Damn gurl lookin fine" is so broad, but what do you think of her dress? Shoes? Hair? "BUT I'M NOT GAY!" might be the reaction when she's like damn this dude notices some fruity things, but if you're really legit 100% trying to compliment someone and you're not after anything, then being the cool gay dude who liked her outfit and made her day might not be such a bad thing (and in this case I actually do mean liking the outfit, not how short or revealing it is).

[rantbunyey]

Coffeeshop ramblings: collecting myself and my thoughts.

Hey guys, it's been a while. I'm writing on my more or less untouched secondary page so I can reblog a shortened linked version onto my main page haha, because I don't like to clutter up my main page's feed with a wall of text that I know I'll create once I turn on the brain vomit. 

So I feel like this week, this is my 3rd time in the coffeeshop. Usually I make it out here maybe once a week or so just to get some me time, but lately I just can't bring myself to go home after I finish with the day's activities.

I've been quite sick this past week, some sort of bad cold, and it just puts me in a really bad mood. It's not just that I'm sick though, it's the feeling that I'm ALWAYS sick, and I start to wonder how much of it is in my head vs in my body, ya feel? I feel like that yes, at any given moment, I can have something to complain about, but I honestly can't recall the last time that I've felt like I was at 100%. It's getting harder and harder to tell myself to "tough it out" another day when I don't really know when the end of this stretch will come. 

But that's that. It's hard to argue with the coughing and the hacking and sneezing haha, that much at least is legit sickness, but the fatigue and fogginess and being exhausted from everything part... might be a bit different. The inability (and also sometimes unwillingness) to sleep, the tiredness, and more recently the complete inability to focus or concentrate is really getting to me. Even as I sit here now writing, there's the constant tension on my head that blurs my vision and makes me forget what I want to say if I don't keep with the flow of my thoughts. It's no surprise really, and I know what it very well could be caused by, though I'm not certain it's the sole reason. In any case, I know already that I am depressed.

That's not something that was easy for me to conclude a year or so ago. I always knew I was sad for some reason or another and would almost find reasons to validate my depression without actually using the word. Who knows, for many years now I always suspected that I suffered from SAD (seasonal affective disorder which is a sort of depression that occurs mainly during winters, often due to lack of sun and whatnot). I love winters, but just looking back at old memories, even old blogs, I find that my mood usually dipped in the winters and the cold seasons.  That, or the new year just puts me in a sour mood. 

Now, do I know for certain that I'm, by definition, depressed? Meh. Who knows. I mean if I look up a list of symptoms of depression or even major (clinical) depression, I probably fit most of the descriptions minus the whole weight gain/loss part lol. My weight doesn't change that much. So what does that really mean though, to diagnose myself with depression? Not much I guess. I don't consider myself to be at risk of any form of self harm, simply because that's against my morals. Finding other ways to punish myself perhaps or doing the opposite and over-indulging perhaps. Still, it's not uncommon to have those days where I wonder what it'd be like to just get knocked out and not wake up for a few months haha. A little dark I suppose, but if I didn't acknowledge that it was a problem I wouldn't be talking about it now. More and more, I find myself driving and imagining people just slamming into me. Enough to put me out of commission for a bit, but with no life threatening injuries, and in a way that insurance would cover basically everything so it doesn't inconvenience my family. See, I'm a little too specific with my fantasies of self-harm to actually get around to it haha. I'm good there.

Still, it's definitely not a good feeling. Some days I want to just stay in bed and clutch my head. It's more than just being sad. It's not like oh boo hoo my life is so bad things don't work for me. It's the feeling that life is completely empty. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, and when it comes down to it I know they're there for me. I just really don't know how to go about asking for help. As much as I complain and regardless of how I portray myself for others to see, I actually am a very prideful person. I guess you can also say I'm a hypocrite of sorts. I'm so quick to offer quick answers and advice for others and I can never listen to myself. I guess that the one person my advice should matter to most has ended up being the person who cares the least to hear it, myself. 

And again, I've dealt with this for a while now. I've never been big on the idea of antidepressants and things of the sort. The biggest thing that is irritating me this time around is this damn fogginess and lack of clarity. I can barely formulate sentences because of how much it distracts me. Throw in the fact that my eye floaters are acting up again lol (I see little dark spots waving around, quite a distraction). I think that one of the joys of my life has always been reaching out to help those I care about, and I really feel like this feeling is hindering that. I guess that leads me to pose the question, why is that one of the joys of my life? I think I answered this for myself a while ago as well. For whatever reason, I feel the need to validate myself through the approval of others. Not the best quality to have, but praise is nice ain't it? Yet, the feeling of being stuck where I am in life hasn't left much room for things to be praised about, so I relish in the little things. I shouldn't put that kind of expectation on others, because my happiness shouldn't depend on whether or not they approve of me. They shouldn't have to really. 

On that note, sometimes I wonder how I ended up the way I am. No one in my family has this quality, not to my extent at least. I live in this fairy tale world where I'm some sort of noble ass knight. I may not always act the part, but my overall sense of duty and loyalty has been a factor that actually puts strain on my relationships. For whatever reason, I feel these bonds towards people, most of the time STRICTLY platonic, where I have thoughts that "yeah I would follow this person to the ends of the earth". Some people might see it as a blessing, but let me tell you, every blessing is also a curse in disguise. No, not really, I'm just being pessimistic now. You get what I'm saying though. Sometimes it gives me that feeling that I was born in the wrong time perhaps. Maybe I should have been a knight or samurai or some shit that served a lord and would throw myself on a blade to defend their honor. Serve, be rewarded for loyalty, die at the ripe old age of 28 or some shit. Enough on that matter though. It's a dumb little story I had to tell, but that quality is a big part of defining who I am. 

Damn this fogginess. I suppose I should really see a doctor just in case. It's gotten to the point where it's affecting how I work, and even more scary, how I drive. More often than before, I have those "how did I get here" moments. I have times where I completely mentally blank and have to snap back and remind myself where I am. I mean it doesn't take more than a split second, but even so... like I know most people don't remember all the details of a drive from point A to B haha, but I'll have holes in my memories. Should I be concerned? Probably.

Anyways, there are many things on my mind and I feel like I could go on forever. My mind is constantly racing at 100mph and there's just not enough time to hit every concern and thought. All I know is that currently, I am dealing with my typical waves of depression and this weird foggy headed feeling. 

You'd assume that someone who is able to diagnose his own problems and address solutions should be able to work things out, but honestly it's never that easy when it's your own advice, at least not when you don't hold enough respect for yourself. These are the factors that I lay out before myself though in any case, and hopefully I can find a way to collect them and start believing in myself a little more and seeking appropriate help where I need it. 

Until then, it's a work in progress. Done with my coffee now. See y'all next time.

[rantbunyey]

Race and equality: taking inventory

Y'all know me. Y'all know how big I am on racial equality and human rights. Still, there's something that bothers me. I understand that the definition of racism describes a system of oppression in which an ethnic group is oppressed socially and/or institutionally. This means that there are forces at work that prevent these individuals from having the same opportunities as others, based solely on race. Now, I just wanted to address the issue of "you can't be racist towards white people". To be frank, given the above definition of racism, no you cannot. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that you aren't being discriminatory based on race/skin tone. I get it. White folks don't face the same hardships as ethnic minorities. I will argue that point to death if someone tells me otherwise. However, what I see so much nowadays is people driving in this point when it's overkill. Just because you aren't/can't be racist toward a white person doesn't mean you're not being an assholes. When people complain about how white people are, you're essentially generalizing the entire white population. When white people explain their heritage, we scoff and laugh at their classifications of different flavors of vanilla. What we're saying, then, is that all white people are the same. The argument is that it doesn't matter because society sees a white person and that's all that matters. Honestly, I don't think that's fair. I understand it from an opportunistic standpoint, but white people have the right to be different kinds of white haha, just as much as Chinese Koreans Japanese Vietnamese Cambodia and a multitude of other Asian ethnic groups have a right to be more than "yellow". Essentially, what we are saying is that discrimination is not equal. That may be true to an extent as discussed above, but the message we get here is "my suffering is worse than your suffering". This isn't about who suffers more. It's about finding a way to make sure no one suffers. Remember that we are working toward peace. We are not just complaining. We are not waging war because we are oppressed and all white people work to oppress is. We are NOT going to blame white people for being white. Peace guys. Harmony. Living together. Remember that reverend Martin Luther King Jr did not preach opposition and conflict. He preached peace, love, and even forgiveness. It's a long road, I know, but don't let frustration drive us to "them" versus "us". "We" need to find a common ground and work for peace.

[rantbunyey]

Korra season 4

will soon be upon us. I love Korra in the earth Kingdom outfit and short hair. Actually, I think I just love the character development in general. Good to see Korra recovered and back to kicking ass, although there always seems to be someone who comes out of nowhere who is for whatever reason able to fight on per with the avatar. I'm interested to see what they do with Kuvira. While I do wanna see how Toph is, I'm actually not as excited as I thought I would be. I guess I've just been a bit disappointed with what they did with her life post-aang-gang, not that we know too many details I suppose. One of the things I like about the trailer, oddly enough, is Korra's stance. It's nothing new and it's been clear since the legend of korra began, but I do appreciate the attention to styles and choreography. In the last Airbender each bending element had a specific style (Tai Chi, bagua, northern shaolin, hung gar) with the exception of toph and the metal benders using chu gar southern praying mantis instead of hung gar. To emphasize the new generation and difference between the 2 series, many of the characters use modern fighting styles ranging from boxing to mixed martial arts techniques. Just always an interesting little detail. I'd probably have a new favorite character if they made a Wing Chun character, but what can I say? My style is not particularly entertaining to watch haha. Element wise though, it'd probably be used for another modified version of earth or water depending on how the character would use it. Anyways looking forward to the next season. Woop Woop almost there.

[rantbunyey]

It's strange, separating my usual blog from this one.

I used to blog carelessly. I knew people would see what I wrote but I would always pretend that no one knew. It was my private space in a public setting. The reason I created this page was because, at times, I get a bit out of hand. I know how crazy my blogs get, and I hate to be one of those people you just want to tell to just shut the fuck up. I didn't want to censor myself, so I created this one. Still, my usual blog is where I have things I want to be seen, so... I still write a lot there regardless of how much people would like to shut me the fuck up. Anyways, it's been a while, blog. Cutting straight to the point, I am depressed. I have so much on my mind nowadays I don't know where to begin, but I guess that's why this is my rant blog. I shall rant. I don't think myself to be a total loser. I have friends, a support system, and yet at times it just gets lonely. I wrote in another blog that fulfilling your social life isn't just about having great friends, it's about gaining them. That feel of GAINING a meaningful experience is just as important as maintaining old ones, and I guess it's been a while since I had one of those. College life had me pretty fucked up. I've now graduated, and I'm at even more of a loss. I just wasn't able to come out of every day feeling like I've gained any real friends. Everyone would always tell me that college was my last chance (though I suppose that's not true) to make real friends. I know people can come in at any time and make a difference... But college for 6 years and I came out not feeling like I've gained anything socially. A few friends here and there, acquaintances, but nothing meaningful. I'm not even talking about a girlfriend, but while I'm on the topic... Let me mention that. I fucking hate talking about my "love life" or lack thereof because... It genuinely depresses me. I know that's a silly thing to be depressed about, but I don't think I can express how soul crushingly lonely some days get. It's been over 6 years since I've had a "girlfriend", and even then that only lasted a few months before I freaked out and called it quits because I was terrified of the idea. That's whatever, young stupid mistakes. Still, I've always been quite an affectionate person. However... No one knows that. Someone who lives for love, for affection... Do you know how hard it is to live without any of it? How lonely days get? Again, this is an embarrassing topic for me. I do think want to have to admit that I can't get a girlfriend, that just don't feel like I'm good enough (downward spiral I suppose). I feel like I lack confidence because I don't know how to feel affectionate anymore, but I don't have the chance to be affectionate because I lack confidence. Makes sense? Funny thing. I've messed with online dating. Okcupid, tinder, plentyoffish, coffeemeetsbagel. Dabbled in everything, and... Nothing to show for it. I guess I just don't really understand how those work. I have so many friends have dates through any one of those and me, playing with all of them, have never had a single hit. I mean I don't think I'm particularly ugly haha, so it just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. That's part of the reason I never admit to being on those. It's like being rejected by a plethora of people I've never met, which I think is the opposite of what I'm supposed to feel like haha. At the same time, I know it's not hard to find someone. Something meaningful, yes, but someone? Quite simple. I think it's that realization that... Really made me feel even more alone. Sparing the details, I visited a friend across the state and stayed out his way for a weekend and met a girl at a club. We hit it off and ended up going back to her place. Long story short, yeah I got the girl, but... Essentially I left that night being told that she was looking for a no strings attached one time deal. Most guys rejoice, but this is not what I was looking for. It actually made me shudder. I felt sick to my stomach. I was fucking sad. Just... Whatever love may be, I lack it in my life and it genuinely kills me. That's enough about girls at the moment, but still, love. Love in the sense of passion. I... Lack passions. The passions I do have mostly have me being angry about fucked up I think the world is (sorry I'm one of those angsty political feminist guys). I don't have anything I genuinely enjoy, and I don't know if that's a cause or result of my depression. I just know that it gets harder and harder to wake up each day. It gets harder to go to work, to look forward to each day, to sleep, to enjoy life. I don't sleep well, I don't eat well, I find it hard to be motivated to even go outside some days. I'm not suicidal, that I know for sure. I have strong morals against that, but... Some days I wake up thinking that if something happens to me painlessly, that'd be okay. I know I'm depressed. I know I should probably seek help. I'm surrounded by chaos in my life, my family at times... Just stress and angst. I don't know what to do. I know that no one can really tell me that things will be okay, because no one knows that for sure. I know my boys will be there for me if things get all bad, but I want to figure this out myself. This isn't arrogance, it's just... I want to find the strength to pick myself up. I've been falling for so long though that I don't know how to get a grip on my life. It fucking sucks. I know there are others out there like me. I know many people even feel worse and need more help than I do. I know some people don't care and want me to shut the fuck up. Still, that is the Internet, and this is Tumblr. I hope everyone's having a great day, great week. I just needed to say some stuff, so sorry for taking up so much space on your pages. Take care.

[rantbunyey]

Dear friends: the new, the old, the acquainted

Do you remember when you first met your best friend? What was it like getting to know them? At what point did the secure a seat in your life? I write this as a reminder, as a note to self about what it's like to have and make friends. Many of us, from time to time, feel like we're at a lack of friends, although it's untrue that we have "no friends." People we care about feel that they lack a certain level of bonding with people I their lives, and certainly, we can quickly reply that they are being silly. After all, they have us, and what's his/her face. Let's see how many friends I can name for them! I can't say that's a "bad" response. It's true. They have many loved ones we could name. Yet, it's also true that having good, established friendships is not all there is to feeling... How should I say... Socially fulfilled? So at what point did your best friend become so much of a part of your life that he or she feels permanent? How does this particular friendship, or friendships with others you consider to be in your inner circle, differ from that person you met at the gym? The girl you met while enjoying a stroll through the park? That guy in class who you spoke to once and thought he was a cool guy so you added each other on Facebook but just never ended up speaking? All that may just sound like mumbo jumbo (which it is, mostly), but while having a friends/friends to fall back on who you know are there for you is wonderful, acquiring and developing friendships/relationships is equally important to feeling socially fulfilled. This all, of course, is me speaking for myself. Maybe it's just me. This isn't to say that all people have a Pokémon "gotta catch em all" friendship complex. Simply put, given the chance to meet some of my best friends a second time sounds interesting, because learning new things about others and sharing new things about yourself are all part of this developing friendships idea. I love getting together with old friends and feeling like nothing has changed. Yet, the first thing we always ask is "what's new?" Learning. Sharing. Giving. Receiving. Loving. All part of the bigger picture. We do often look for changes, because little changes and new events are what keep things interesting in a friendship where you feel like you know everything about the other person. Enter the new friend. You know little to nothing a out them. There is so much to be explored. Of course, you wouldn't jump into a level 10 conversation when you're only at level 2 or 3 with this person. There is indeed a buildup, and that is what it is to bond and get to know someone. Nurturing and building this friendship is important, just as its important to remind old friends that they're appreciated. I know I for one struggle with the idea of making new friends, or getting to know acquaintances better. Looking from an outside perspective, I understand that it's because I give so little. How are you? Same old. How was your day? It was okay. Needless to say, it'd be impossible for me to strengthen a friendship with such responses. Share more of yourself in order to receive more of the other person (though of course, it's a 2 way street that isn't always treated as such). Either way... Don't be afraid to open up a little. If you hold back too much, so will they. At the same time, do not full throttle because you are probably crazy in ways only close friends would accept, and they are just not there yet. Anyways, I'll cut the rest of this a bit short because my writing has gotten worse over the years and I ramble a bit too much. Either way, the main thing I wanted to say is to address the idea that: Feeling socially fulfilled not only means having friends, but also developing and strengthening new friendships. So don't forget to address both of these, and the multitude of other approaches to friendships and relationship. Just something to keep in mind.

[rantbunyey]

Not another nice guy post...

  MUFUGGIN NAICE GUYS WAT IT DO?

It’s a slow day at home. Got a day off today, so I’m sipping on some canned coffee and staring into space and dove into one of my life analyses. 

Though actively stating it effectively destroys much of the credibility behind my character, I’d like to believe that I’m a pretty nice guy. Most of the time, I prefer to put others before myself (unless i hate yo ass), I look out for those I care about, I like to give gifts, and in general I like to treat people in the ways that I myself would like to be treated. Now, these are all just superficial nice guy things that doesn’t necessarily make me a nice guy, because at the end of the day, whether or not I’m a nice guy is not up to me to decide. Determining whether a person is nice or mean or funny or whatever is completely up to how each individual perceives.

Now, I’m going to get a bit into some philosophical stuff (not really) but there’s differences between reality and what we perceive. For example, I as myself am “me”. This “me” that people perceive is fundamentally just some guy. If I hold out my hand, wave it around for you to see and whatnot, it’s obviously part of me. However, if I suddenly chop it off, is it still part of me? Or is it just “a hand”? 

Sorry watched a movie recently haha, that example doesnt really make sense. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter how others perceive me, because it’s ultimately not going to change my intrinsic characteristics.

And then we reach the point that I and many other guys touch upon, and that’s the feeling of, “I’m a nice guy. Why don’t I get nice things?” Besides the fact that guys usually use this excuse when they can’t catch the attention of a girl they like and act like little pansies about it, what exactly is it that you feel like you deserve?

I used the term intrinsic characteristics. I can’t speak for everyone (such as people who act like thugs and want to be bad asses and whatnot), but I think I can say that MOST people strive to be nice. I mean, some if not many people have no idea what that means and end up being complete pricks, but I think that’s just how their personal values have shaped them. It’s not like people go out thinking “I’m going to be a bad person”. I think everyone tries to do the right thing, even if personalities clash and things like that. So intrinsically, I think everyone has the potential to be nice. Not everyone stays along that path, but everyone has the potential. If you’ve ever learned manners from your parents or caretakers, then you probably do.

So if I’m intrinsically nice as most people are meant to be, I’m nothing more than a blank slate. It’s like a crepe. If I go out and order a plain crepe, I may get some chocolate, nutella, whatever on it. Maybe whipped cream. Powdered sugar. The basics. Now, if everyone, every day got this plain crepe, it’s still good, but why is it that dessert places have variation? Because there can always be more. Add some berries and fruit into the mix, some ice cream for crying out loud! Not everyone likes the same things, so we have variety. Ok bad example because a plain crepe still sounds fucking delicious.

Take everything I just said and apply it to… bread? WHATEVER YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY. You have the base which is already not “bad”, but what we need is “more”. OH PEOPLE EXPECT SO MUCH OF ME THEY SHOULDN’T ASK FOR MORE.

“Bitch shut yo ass!” exclaimed the nice guy that is me. What I’m trying to say is that if you’re happy being a plain ass piece of bread, that’s fine, by all means. Just don’t expect anyone to walk up to you and say “Damn, you know what, today I feel like eating this dry ass piece of bread with no peanut butter or jelly or any type of sandwich materials and condiments.”

You can’t expect to receive anything special when you don’t put out anything special. You’re a carbon copy if you’re just getting by being “nice”. It really isn’t enough, regardless of what you want to believe. I say this because I know how plain and boring I can be sometimes. I’m fortunate to have friends who have found and helped me find parts of myself that make me “me”. Still, sometime’s it’s not enough. I mean, I can be super nice and intentionally or unintentionally make people feel bad and want to reach out, but compassion is always limited (compassion fatigue). Besides, that’s not how I want the relationships in my life to go down.

And though I’ve said all this already, don’t go out of your way to be something you’re not. It’s blatantly obvious when you do stuff like that. You’re topping off some dry crusty bread with hot chocolate. Just gonna get soggy and inedible. Just be yourself, and you’ll find the things that make you “you”. Just don’t count on getting by proclaiming yourself as a nice guy, because…

Being a nice guy just isn’t enough. The funny nice guy, the caring nice guy, the musically talented nice guy, the knowledgeable nice guy, the witty nice guy. You can be any of those or any addition or combination of whatever else you can think of. 

Just some words of wisdom-but-not-really-wisdom-I’m-just-ranting-my-ass-off to some of the other guys out there who would like to believe that they’re nice. I’m sure you are. Now go find “you”.