rasalies9safe9space9 - Tumblr blog

[rasalies9safe9space9]

Standing in line for snap for hours a time when your chronic pain is making you want to pass out. Hard to breath and I'm only standing. No seats. They really just expect disabled people to be able to suck it up the way abled people do everyday - but abled people can still breathe after standing in place for fifteen minutes. They really don't care to even learn about how much pain we face daily- if they realized even doing nothing equals the same pain an abled person has after hours of exercise, maybe they would be able to empathize. Maybe not. I'm just in pain. I wish I could sit, I would sit on the floor right here if I could. I feel so sick

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Boutta turn into homegirl

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I fucking hate talking outloud an no one responds. Why am I always talking to my damn self fucking sick ifbthat shit. Why would I ever speaking not to be heard? Fuck this shit

This the type of shit that make me self harm stim I start hitting myself because j feel so fucking stupid for peningnmy mouth hen everyonenwnders why he fuck I prefer to stay silent I hate people

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An actually good use of the ABCs of Behavior.

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If both of us are struggling, in traumatic situations, and neither of us have the ability to help the other anymore, then all we can do is heal individually. I love him so much but I can't help him. I don't have the energy to even give him love, the time of day. I barelyhave energy to care for myself. I love him. It's been five years, we plan on marrying each other, we're supposed to be able to get through these hardships together. But we're not. He's alone in his pain and im alone in mine. I miss him, but we're literally still together. We haven't fought or argued. Our relationship has virtually no problems aside from the fact that my mental health has broken too hard this time. My most recent trauma sent me down such a spiral. I have no idea what to do or how to love him like he deserves.

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Thank god I didn't unalive myself like two days ago cuz I'm cooling now

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TW suicidal thoughts

I've always been the reliable one. So why am I th one that gets no help when my life flies left? Why do I have to remain the reliable one even when my life is falling apart? I'm exhausted. I'm in pain. I hate waking up. But you ask me fr help every day anyway. Can you do this? Can you do that? You have to understand you're the only one who does it. You know no one else will help.

Help. Help everyone all the time. Every day. Even when you need it desperately, we'll just take more from you. Listen to me vent for two hours then go walk the dog. By the time you come back I'll have my music blasting so that you're overstimulated. Also by the time you're done worrying about everyone else, all the kids will be home, and the only place you can avoid stimulation and decompress is the bathroom!!

Now have your little secret autistic meltdowns in the bathroom and be ready for when someone has to use it, because then you'll have to wipe your face and walk into overstimulatin while simultaneously hiding your meltdown. Now d this multiple times a day everyday. Are you reaching your breakin point? Hold it together, not for yourself but for us. We rely on you. Hold it.

No one fucking cares. I'm going through the lowest low in a long time. My nose is fucked up after an altercation with a family member. No one cares. My abusive mothers in the hospital probably about to die - who cares what mental turmoil or confusion this causes! Now we gotta get in contact with the brother who s.a'd me, for your poor mothers sake. No one cares no one cares. My fiance is shit at comforting me. I haven't heard from him in days I think he prefers to avoid me when my head gets like this. I dnt want to feel so alone I'm always there fr fucking everyone and no one even notices that I'm dying. I'm dying I'm fucking dying and I've never been so close to fucking giving in. No one I can talk to so I made a damn blog where no one else cares still. Because I'm not really a person to you all I'm just senseless letters on a screen. I'm not really a person. I don't exist. I just respond and observe and feel. Occasionally I trick myself into thinking I exist, but I'm always reminded of the truth.

There's too much that goes into me being happy. All my life all I ever wanted was peace and imagine my horror upon discovering that the smallest goal is unachievable. Why should it be so fucking difficult? All I want is peace. Why cant I have it? It's not fair. I'm so tired. Iv been fighting for way too long. Just giv me a break. Before Im forced to give myself one.

I think I'm crazy. I've lost it for real this time. I don't want to unalive myself and compromise the mission I was born with. Doesn't that sound crazy? What if I ruin the mission. And earth is never saved an no one is ever happy and j ruin this whole encarnation and time line? By giving up and dying. Or what if it's all for nothing and I made it that way?

There's no easy way out. But I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I don't want to try anymore. I'm tired of trying so hard to be happy when other people simply get to be happy. Fucking tired.

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As a person with autism how do I quit vaping

Im asking for genuine advice. I want to quit but on top of the addiction Itself, it's turned into a stim, and a few moments ago I had a meltdown becaus I couldn't find it in it's regular spot. Now I'm worried how I'll react with it not there at all. Any advice?

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Autistic Aliens - comic series

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Times I got in trouble for having undiagnosed autism TW brutally honest

I don't control my eyebrow movement unless I focus on it hard. I often have them drawn up, scrunched up, or just up. They're not often relaxed unless I'm focusing. Sometimes I seemed therefore angry or stressed or sad or defiant or whatever was being projected onto me. When my step m would scold me and I had my brows Scrunched, she would either begin yelling or telling me to stop trying to make her feel bad.

In daycare when the teacher tried turning off the tv (therefore ending my hyperfocus hangout with Olivia the pig) I had such a meltdown that I threw every book I could at the teacher - and when I ran out of books, I threw my shoes. I was kicked out of daycare and my Tia had to watch me.

TW**** not realizing the intentions is s*xual predators until it's too late. Ending up in multiple dangerous situations due to "nativity"

Getting into arguments with my partner and going nonverbal, or going into a meltdown where if they try to help me at all I'll only be filled with more shame and anguish. Leaving them with feelings I know they didn't get to feel while they help me regulate my own

My partner wanting so badly to show me off to their friends and have me be a part of their friend group, but masking so hard I go nonverbal and my face makes me appear mean maybe? They always end up assuming I'm stuck up or I think im too good to talk to them. In reality, my throat is frozen and it burns to talk. Forcing myself to go to parties because my partner felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. Forcing myself to drink so I could feel comfortable, not understanding why I couldn't be my "real self" around other people. The alcohol taking off my mask and putting me in multiple embarrassing situations as people around me reject my "weirdness."

Teachers. Teachers could have its whole own category. Firstly I do not know you, I've never met you before now, if your rules don't make sense then I will not understand them much less follow them?? Furthermore, teachers deeply need more education on handling child /autistic /adhd meltdowns. I once in kindergarten had a teacher instruct all her students to point and laugh at me in an attempt to make me stop my meltdown. In the end I crawled under her chair and cried in a fetal position until they stopped.

When constantly masking put me in burnout senior year of high school, I stopped going to class for two months and instead sat at the park or sat in the bathroom stalls. I just sat there. ACS was eventually called, and I graduated late. I went into burnout almost every end of a school year and as a result did not have a single summer without summer school in high school. Later my stepm spread the rumor that I was doing drugs because of this. Most of my family believed her.

The psych ward, misdiagnosis and using incorrect meds

Finding out as an adult and having the ground under me crumble as I realize none of these instances where ever actually my fault.

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There's just one major thing that I don't think is acknowledged enough about late diagnosed autistics/ADHD (and probably other neurodivergences):

The floor drops away from under you when you're diagnosed as an adult.

You've spent years perfecting coping mechanisms, setting masks perfectly in place, practicing socialising, forcing things that made you uncomfortable or confused (for reasons you couldn't comprehend).

Then you get the diagnosis and... That's it. No one tells you what to do. How to cope, how to survive.

All you know is that you've spent your life hurting yourself. Your mental health is shot, you're most likely depressed, anxious, burntout...

And you never had to do that. It didn't have to be that way.

I'm not saying I wished I was diagnosed as a child. I don't. That would have a whole other bag of problems.

I just wish there was more in place for us. I wish we weren't abandoned by the medical community at 18.

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Real talk why does social interaction feel like you’re trying to get a good grade in being a person

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I just found out, after all this time that I'm autistic. Adhd/autism

All these years, to find out now as an adult, is both the most relieving and heartbreaking thing.

I always wondered why I couldn't be "normal" like other people, I often cried about it

It's the relief of knowing that there's finally an answer for that

And the mourning that comes with the realization that I will never get to feel like a normal person. Or perceive the world like one, or be seen by other people as one

And the sadness for the little girl who struggle for so long because her family never considered the possibility. I have so much trauma now, and I wonder if I had known sooner, could I have avoided that trauma?

Realizing I've been masking all my life, but not knowing how to take the mask off. I'm also scared to take the mask off. Being autistic feels like all those people who bullied me or harassed me now have the ultimate word to use against me. Like they where all right, in the end I did end up being the words they used against me. R*tar*ed, wierd, I'll never be their version of normal : (

Part of me is relieved, and another part of me really wishes i was diagnosed w something that could be treated into remission.

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Why won't anyone besides me think about how truly bad that is?

I want someone to cry for me, with me, to truly feel and understand my pain.

Way too much pain for only one kind heart. Someone needs to give me all of them, all of themselves so I can become a seed inside them and no longer hold the burden of her caringnfor myself again

It's so hard to exist in this seperateness

Reality isntnreal and no one seems to fuckingnlisten to me no one listens nononenlistening hey thinknim joking itsnnot a joke it's all fake all of it isnfake

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I know it's happening again for the first time in a long time. I keep trying to cope but since that night I've been internally spiraling. It's taken me so much time just to type this because inkeep "zoning out"

Memories or smetimesnjust sentences. Sometime it just a sentence repeating over and over

I keep dissociating I can barely hold a conversation

I have so much hope that good is coming

I just have so much healing to do. I'm still in shock