realrawuncensoredlife - Tumblr blog

[realrawuncensoredlife]

friendly reminder that it’s ok to have bad days, but it’s not ok to take out the badness on others by hurting them.

find a healthy feelings-vent, people!

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Someday I’ll write about how emotionally draining this process has been. But for now I need to go back to packing.

Moving is emotional. I’m packing up the last almost 8 years of my life and moving back home. I haven’t lived with my Mom since I was 15. But this is really the best decision. It’s just so hard.

Moving home so I can focus on my health and career is a good thing. Having an office outside of home has been the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m productive, I am proud of where clients meet me, I am doing what I need to do to be the best version of myself.

That also doesn’t mean I’m not a sobbing mess as I pack and clean this place.

But my office. My office is beautiful.

My career and my health is worth all of this. I might repeat that to myself for the next week.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Self Care Sundays

So do to my health and financial situation I have moved in with my Mom. I’m actually very happy about it. We are extremely close and both single so it make sense for us. We are enjoying it and working to make sure we keep enjoying it.

Part of that plan is to create self care routines that we can do alone and together. We both have various creative outlets that we love, I write and she paints. But doing things together that relieve stress and provide a way to relax and take care of ourselves together is important. I have severe anxiety issues and I know that my health wears on her.

So we are declaring Self Care Sundays (or Saturdays if we are busy). I need ideas! My list is LONG but I want to see what everyone else has for favorite self care routines. Inbox me your favorites and must do things that relieve stress, care for your health and wellbeing and make you happy. They can be done together or alone. I’m a big fan of meditation she isn’t as much. So even if it doesn’t work for me it might for her!

Thanks!

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Be the best you can be for Carrie. 

Ways to make Carrie Fisher proud in 2018:

- Take no shit

- Wear glitter (or whatever makes you happy)

- Take your meds

- Eat that extra sweet

- Make time to do what makes you happy

- Stop apologizing for being you. You are so wonderful, beautiful, and valuable. Realize that.

Let’s make this the year of Carrie ❤️

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look Catch Up

So I’ve failed the last few days by not posting the updated photos. So here goes nothing.

Day 10:

I was physically and emotionally exhausted. This was me owning it. And yawning mid picture.

Day 11:

No makeup. No filter. No bunny ears. Wet hair. This was just me embracing a day to relax.

Day 12:

I survived a busy Monday at work. And managed to straighten my hair. And keep my hair down all day. As much as I love my hair curly or wavy straight is typically my go to because it makes my hair so soft.

Day 13:

I had a HUGE event for my business today. The first photo was me at work at my part time job. The second was me ready to leave for the event. Being a business owner who suffers from severe depression and anxiety is tough but I put myself into a character and go out and kill it when I need to.

Day 14:

I got my haircut today. I spent a lot of time with people who love me and want what’s best to me. And I made a tremendously difficult decision or at least the start to one. I am taking control of my life and I feel so lucky to have the support system that o have. But that doesn’t mean that right now, in the silence of the night as I crawl in bed alone that I don’t feel like crying and staying here for a few days. But I push myself to do more for myself.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

One of the bravest and hardest things to do, for a person with a mental illness, is reaching out for help. Whether it’s a friend, parent, doctor, counselor or anyone else. And one of the worst things that could happen to such a person is getting it all thrown back at your face and for the person you trusted to dismiss you, or tell you that you are just looking for attention, or not taking you seriously.

I just want you to know that I am proud of you for trying! Please don’t let this one person ruin your chances of getting help! You deserve to get help and feel better! No matter what anyone tells you, your feelings are valid and YOU know when you are in need for help or when you are not feeling okay. Keep letting your voice be heard and keep telling people you want help until someone listens. I know the fight is hard and it’s really tough and there may be no one supporting you, but I’m here to tell you that even when you think no one is, I AM. The road to recovery is long and painful, but we’ll get there. I believe in you. You are fighting the good fight. ♥♥♥

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Six

This was the hard day. But it was also the first very raw and real day. This is a photo of me holding back tears that as soon as I hit ‘post’ turned into me sobbing uncontrollably at work for the full hour that everyone else was out to lunch. I barely had the chance to touch up my eyes, catch my breath and pretend I wasn’t breaking down when my co-workers all returned. 

I had a lot going through my mind. I have the real fear that I won’t be able to pay for or obtain health insurance next year. I currently do not have health insurance as there was a glitch in the website and my payment wasn’t taken but I wasn’t notified until the policy had been canceled. So since July I’ve been paying for everything out of pocket. That includes a flare up of HS where I had to have my abscess lanced and drained which required me to be at the doctor every day for a week. And my anti-depressant prescriptions. My birth control is a pack of 3 months of active pills, it’s over $200 for that without insurance so I’ve not been able to fill it. That screws with my mental health, migraines and my HS. And to be honest, I stopped taking my anti-depressants for a period of time because the cost associated with them. 

So I had a complete breakdown. It’s not the worst one I’ve had but for sure not the easiest either. I came home, ate something small and was asleep at 9:00. I’d emotionally worn myself down to nothing. It was time for me to just sleep. I didn’t have to work the next day and didn’t have any meetings so if I needed to sleep all day, theoretically, I could outside of getting prepared for Thanksgiving by starting to cook what I was bringing. I slept for nearly 12 hours, minus a few hours where I was woken up due to my stomach having some issues. The sleep felt good and helped to prepare me for a long day.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Nine

Today. 

So I’ve posted all of the catch ups to get to today. And today I helped babysit my 5yo niece and 3yo nephew. They are cute but stress me out a lot. I decided to start the day with my bedhead because well, I love my bedhead. I have natural waves but clearly, I’ve been using a curling iron for this project. 

This was the picture that made me decide to put the selfies from this project into an album on Facebook. Here’s what the caption read: So I’ve decided to put some of the photos I’ve been taking over the last week into an album to track and see if I start to see any results from my attempt. Will putting the effort into my outward appearance (hair and makeup mainly - we all know I live in leggings) change the way I feel on the inside. The reasoning for this experiment is because my depression and anxiety have recently decided it was time to throw a party inside my body and I’m doing everything I can to kick them out. It’s a chance for me to also get people talking about mental health and mental health care in America. It’s time to remove the stigma of having mental health issues and seeking help for them. So let’s start talking and I’m gonna keep taking way too many Snapchat selfies of me to share to show the stages. There will be brutal ones, as we’ve seen, where holding back tears may not be possible. But there will be good ones as well.

And here was the after of makeup and touching up my hair before running errands. This was the caption on this photo as it appears on Facebook: This is me tired and feeling groggy from the medication that is supposed to calm me down so I can sleep. There’s no Snapchat filter to make my wrinkles and gray hair go away. I need to fix my brows, it’s just not at the top of my priority list. But I fixed yesterday’s curls (no I don’t wash and curl my hair every day), put on some makeup and got dressed. I need to run errands. A smile can hide a lot of pain and sadness that people don’t see. But this smile is based on the gorgeous weather and that I’m going to drive with the sunroof open.

The sunroof was a nice addition to the day. It was in the upper 60s in Iowa after Thanksgiving so it was a surprise to have this weather. 

Here I am now. Opening up all of this on a blog that anyone could find and read. And while it feels scary it also feels necessary. It’s necessary to show the real, raw side of life, not just the highly curated, filtered and edited lives we show on Instagram. My depression is real and while I had behind smiles and giggles and a personality I’ve carefully created to hide what I’m going through, it’s time to be open about what I’m going through. 

Hiding is no longer an option. Because if I hide that just perpetuates the myth that depression is a choice. That it’s not a chemical imbalance. 

I do not choose to be depressed. I do not choose to have panic attacks. I do not choose to sometimes be afraid to walk out my front door. I do not choose to sometimes not get out of bed for days or weeks at a time. I do choose to fight this with everything I have. To do something, even if it’s as small as curling my hair or putting on some mascara to try and make myself feel better. Somedays I don’t have the energy for that and somedays I do. But each and every day I intend to chronical that in the only way I know how, with 100% honesty and transparency. And a few snapshot filters of bunny ears.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Eight

This was yesterday at the beginning of Thanksgiving. Before I had any chance to get anxious over anything. It was a surprisingly good holiday. I get anxious in proximity situations and the new arrangement at my Dad’s for the table had me in the middle of the table without much space around me which made me a little anxious. But it was a good day. 

I even brought my new kitty over to meet my step-mom. She’s precious and has been a wonderful help to my anxiety and depression. I’ve had her just over a month now and it’s been nice to have this tiny thing that loves me with every bit of her body when I’ve been in my worst places. She’s learning how to do that from her older brother, my six year old cat. If I cry he comes and snuggles into me to try and take care of me. 

Another great part of the day was that the friend that has been helping me through everything, his new record came out yesterday. It gave me a chance to gush about him constantly about how amazing he is and how in awe of his talent I am. 

I came home and stayed up way too late with my Mom so she could get the Christmas Tree put together. I cried a lot and was overly emotional most of the night. I had to take medication to be able to sleep again because I was stressed and worried that I’d be awake all night. Not being in control of my emotions, or sleep habits is difficult. I’ve hit a point of sleep deprevation where honestly sleeping until 2018 probably wouldn’t be enough sleep to get me out of this place. 

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Seven

This was me when I woke up after falling asleep at 9AM. My bedhead was kind of awesome. So this was basically what I went with other than touching up a few of the curls before running to the grocery store to buy wine. Then I proceeded to drink an entire bottle of the wine. It wasn’t my best idea but luckily for me, I didn’t wake up on Thanksgiving with a migraine. 

I spent some time with my Mom, my brother, my niece, and my friend who has been helping me through all of this. The project he gave me was helping him to market his music and clothing line as social media and marketing are my forte and singing pretty is his. Spending the time with him before a day filled with family that can often bring drama was exactly what I needed. I was actually asleep by 11:30 that night, which is rare for me.

It was a hard day because it felt long. I always have anxiety leading into events with my family. What if I don’t look good enough? What if I don’t act right? But once I calm down and realize that they’ve known me and my wacky sense of humor and behavior my whole life and still love me it eases the tension of all of it a little bit.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Five

When I walked into work Monday morning I shocked everyone I worked with. Hair and makeup done, who was I? I’ve worked there since the beginning of April, two days a week. It helps pay my rent and gets a girl who has suffered from agoraphobia out of her house. I broke the flannel out again because it’s a shirt I love, I feel good in it and it makes me happy. 

The compliments from my coworkers felt nice they didn’t change the way I felt on the inside. I still spent my breaks texting my friend asking him what he was doing and if I could sneak away to his house on my break just to be held. I’ve been craving physical touch. Not in a sexual way, just in a comforting, protective way. He, of course, had meetings and his daughter and couldn’t fulfill my need. And because our relationship has been intimate before there’s always the concern that I will become attached, which is a valid concern because I fear part of me always will be attached to him. He was the first man in a long time that I’d allowed myself to fall for and perhaps the first real time I felt love where you don’t have to wonder if it’s love, you just know.

So I went home, I barely ate, I crawled in bed early to do some work after watching some TV with my Mom. Part of this is that I’ve been living at my Mother’s. I have an apartment that I pay rent for. I haven’t slept there for months. I just need to have someone around so when the darkness creeps in there’s some to shine a little light for me when I need it.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Four

I stayed in pajamas the whole day and it was marvelous.

I’d been out until 2AM with friends, I had no desire to get dressed but my bedhead looked awesome so I felt good about it. 

Everyone needs a break in the midst of the crazy of their life and on this day I decided that I was going to take that break. I’m always going to be open about it when I need the break. That day I was an emotional mess for part of the day, it just was what it was. I couldn’t change it. I own the emotions and what my role in it was. 

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Three

On this day I had to go to a wedding.

I am not really all that fond of weddings. I’m 33 years old and single. I normally bring my best friend as my date and he keeps the questions of “have you tried some new amazing dating app” from happening. Slight problem. It was his wedding. So I took my best girlfriend, which can either lead to ‘aww that’s cute that they are best friends and do things together like this’ or ‘so is she a lesbian and we didn’t know it’. My anxious brain thinks of those things before attending a wedding. 

For the record: 

No, I’m not a lesbian. I like men WAY too much but have love for all people and believe they should choose who they love. There are worse things in the world someone could think I was than a lesbian...like a Republican. I kid...sorta.

Yes, I’ve probably tried that supposedly amazing new dating app. It sucks. My recent experience is either psycho guys that immediately send dick pics or go apeshit on me when after 10 minutes of messages I refuse to come to their apartment and appear at the door naked.

But for the wedding, I knew I needed to make myself look better than just presentable. As the groom was my best friend from college and 90% of his family also graduated from our alma mater there would be one of those cheesy photos of all of the alums who were at the wedding that will end up eventually in an alumni publication. Plus my whole family was going. My sister-in-law works in cosmetics so her makeup is always flawless. My 5-year-old niece commands attention and had on the brightest red lipstick I’ve ever seen on a 5-year-old in my life.

So I went all out and here was the result.

The wedding went better than I expected. I hung out with some friends until the wee hours of the morning and felt loved and supported by the people around me. It didn’t make my anxiety less but it reminded me that I was loved and I’m strong enough to do even the things that seem hard.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Two

There was only one picture this day and it was me with the ridiculous snapchat filter that makes your mouth half of your face. I was excited that I’d gotten Hamilton tickets. I was supposed to have the day off and hang out with my Mom but before leaving I fixed up the curls from the day before and headed out. We did some shopping and I didn’t have a panic attack, which this time of year is good. But I still felt out of it, not myself. I had a meeting with one of my best friends who knew what was going on and is helping me find projects to keep me busy and make me use my brain which normally helps pull me out of a dark place.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day One

Here goes the brave part of this. I’m sharing selfies on a blog that I intended to be an anonymous place to discuss my chronic illnesses. But part of this project is to be brave.

I had a Board meeting this day. I always feel like the kid in the room, despite not being the youngest member of the Board. But as the perhaps most free Board member who has shown up to meetings in Harry Potter t-shirts and Chuck Taylors I felt that for the unveiling of a new brand that I needed to take myself a little more seriously. So I put on my favorite flannel shirt, leggings and hit the road. I thought “if I curl my hair maybe it will calm the anxiety I’ve been feeling for weeks by helping me not think about being the kid on the Board.” It didn’t totally do it but my hair and makeup looked great and I’d found the energy to put effort into myself so it at least made me feel like I was trying more than just popping an extra anxiety pill before a meeting.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

Operation Feel the Way I Look

I created an album on Facebook with this title and have been posting selfies over the span of the last week or so documenting my experiment. If I curl my hair, do my makeup and make myself feel ‘pretty’ will it help alter the way I feel on the inside. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life and as of late both are on high alert. It’s panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. A desire to stay in bed for days on end and not emerge into the outside world. So I’m trying this experiment to see if it helps, I am medicated so there’s that too.

This project isn’t for people to tell me I look pretty, or that my makeup looks great or compliment me in any way. This is to start a conversation about mental illness and the stigma attached to it. I live in Iowa which is a state that treats mental illness with no care or concern. All of the publically funded facilities have been closed, it’s next to impossible to get Medicaid and many suffer in silence because so many people still believe that it’s just being sad. 

Here is the description of the album on Facebook. I’m going to do some posts of the photos that I’ve been sharing as well. 

To combat a tough couple of weeks with my depression and anxiety I’ve decided to test a theory. Will putting effort into the way I look change the way I feel? Here goes nothing. A small disclaimer. Some of these posts will involve me getting very real about explaining my mental health challenges. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was around 7 or 8. I’ve dealt with everything from major panic attacks to agoraphobia. I’m open about discussing them because I feel that speaking out about what I face personally helps remove the stigma on getting help for mental health. I take medication every day to manage the chemical imbalance in my brain that caused these issues. This is not me just being sad. This is not something I can just choose to get over. This is a condition in my genetic makeup. I didn’t do anything wrong and if you have mental health issues you didn’t either. If you need to talk I’m always here. PM me if you’d like.

The same goes for here. If you need to talk, I’m here. I can be the stranger over an anonymous message or the IM function. You choose. But know that there is someone who is willing to listen.

[realrawuncensoredlife]

I blogged a little bit on my personal blog about my thoughts on Lady Gaga’s Netflix documentary, Five Foot Two. It’s worth watching. I promise.

Gaga: Five Foot Two

If you haven’t watched this documentary yet you need to stop what you’re doing, log into Netflix, and hit play.

Just do it.

Don’t think about it just do it.

Lady Gaga has one of the most powerful voices in the music industry today. Not just the notes she can hit, but the words she speaks when it comes to being an activist, a woman, a survivor, and a total and complete fucking badass. 

Did I cry? You bet your goddamn ass I did. It was one of the most moving music documentaries I’ve watched in years. 

Was it because I’m also a 30 something Italian-American girl who is passionate about her family history? Maybe. We also both share being named after an aunt (or great-aunt in my case) who passed away too soon. Joanne was 19, my great aunt was 25. 

Was it because I love music more than breathing? Maybe and Gaga consistently puts out some of the best music, whether you like pop or not it’s hard to deny her talent.

What are some of the other similarities? We are both 5′2″. We both clearly bleach the shit out of our hair to have blonde hair. We both have zero tolerance for the bullshit of men. 

But here’s the main reason why I loved Five Foot Two.

She’s one of the bravest and strongest people on the planet. She’s broken a damn hip and is suffering from fibromyalgia. Yet she keeps going. I’m a wealth of chronic illnesses: chronic migraines/daily headaches, hidradenitis suppurativa, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and probably a few others that I can’t remember right now. The scene where she gets the pain injections put into her pain points, I’ve been there. They tried occipital nerve blocks on me in my mid-20s. They stuck a 4″ or longer needle in a few places in my head to try to find the trigger points of my pain. Luckily they numb the area and it was the back/base of my skull. My poor Mom, however, had to sit in the room as they shoved needles in my head to try and control my pain. Unfortunately for me, it didn’t work. Along with a lot of the other things they tried.

Watching Five Foot Two gave me a new understanding and respect for someone I was amazed by in general. But her ability to push through, do what it takes, and keep chasing her dreams amidst everything else was inspiring, even during the heartbreaking times.

So turn on your Netflix and hit play if you haven’t already.

Also, thank you, Gaga, for putting a face to a disease that so many people think is a figment of the imagination of people who suffer from it. While I am lucky to say fibromyalgia is not one of the chronic illnesses plaguing me, I have friends who suffer every day. Friends who often aren’t believed because there is no outward sign of their disease. Thank you for giving them a voice.