red-butterfly-wing

[red-butterfly-wing]

oops

What are 178 calories just so I can feel something other than despair for once...even if it's just delusions...I'd rather take a happy lie than the unforgiving truth for now.

[red-butterfly-wing]

Food/drink log 25th June 2025

banana oatmeal: 391 cals

dark cookie lava protein bar: 143 cals

BK cheeseburger: 380 cals

bread bun: 212 cals

peach elderflower vitamin water: 5 cals

soft plums: 115 cals

milk (for coffee): 28 cals

Burned: 784 cals

Net: 491 cals

Today was a desperate attempt at curing my constipation, thus far unsuccessful. Edit: fucking finally got something out, wasn't worth the calories though. Yes the BK cheeseburger was a part of that attempt. Thanks to the person recommending the plums, they didn't have any fresh ones in the store for some wild reason so had to opt for soft ones. I fucking gained 0,6 kg since yesterday it's not even funny anymore

I'll force myself to meal prep for tomorrow and then I'll shower and go to bed. I'm so so fucking tired

I also still feel like I keep spiraling down further. I've been extremely pissed at everything and might just lash out at about anyone who breathes too loudly. Hopefully I won't get myself into trouble tomorrow! The only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing my crush at the gym atp

[red-butterfly-wing]

Saw the weather forecast for next week and the heatwave won't get any better. If my boss won't let us work from home I'll call in sick because I'm not going in at fucking 35°C

[red-butterfly-wing]

I swear I'm going insane with the indigestion, I had a digustingly high calorie lunch today that I spent over 2 hrs working off at the gym and while I haven't kept track I haven't gone number two in nearly a week or so. I'm already having fiber on a regular basis, even had a fucking sesame bar and an additional coffee but still nothing. I maintained compared to yesterday which isn't too bad but still why don't my organs fucking do what they're supposed to.

And no I won't start taking lax, read enough horror stories about that today alone

[red-butterfly-wing]

Food/drink log 23rd June 2025

raspberries (some were moldy ew) & cherries: 76 cals

milk (for coffee): 15 cals

bibimbap: 486 cals

dark cookie lava protein bar: 143 cals

peach elderflower vitamin water zero: 5 cals

Burned: 952 cals

Net: -228 cals

Today was NOT a good day. The gym was so packed and I'm still suffering from indigestion. My cat also fucking assaulted me again while writing this so this post ends here, I hate everything rn!! Bye!!

[red-butterfly-wing]

Tw rant, read at your own risk

(self harmy mention)

I just fucking hate humans. I can't deal with them, relate to them or build any meaningful relationships. I'm just like a zombie wandering around aimlessly, waiting for something or someone to finally off me.

"Hey can I talk to you for a sec-" NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T, I SPENT 9 HRS WORKING ON OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS AND LISTENED TO MY CO-WORKER CRASH OUT YET AGAIN! "Misplaced your membership card didn't you?" shut up before I do something we both might regret.

It's all so meaningless, there's no point in trying at all. Why even wake up when there is no end to this misery. I have to do it all over again tomorrow anyways.

There's no joy, yet I can't even cry about it either. It's all just apathy.

I can't even feel safe at home either because, you guessed it, cishet men! Got another "love letter" today yet again.

I just want everyone to disappear, including myself.

Except for my cat. He's probably the only reason I'm still here atp. Although I've been clean of it for many years now, when I got him I afflicted wounds to myself. Guess my mother thought he'd cure me.

But the truth is that it's always been a spiral abyss, only the path down is different - starving, anxiety, depression, drinking, working out until collapse, self harming.

It never gets better, just different.

Edit: just a couple minutes after writing this my cat assaulted me again. And it's not your regular cat scratches while playing, he assaults my arm, leg or whatever else he gets a hold of and bites and claws to it for no reason. It always leaves marks for weeks. Although it's messed up but guess he's inflicting my wounds for me now...

[red-butterfly-wing]

Normally not interested in stuff like that but the slavic doll thing reminds me that if I already have this many Eastern European genes, I should look like it too kurwa

Also people kept telling me to become a model growing up because I was tall...I've "modeled" like twice in my life and definetly didn't look the part either way

eat like a model. take care of yourself like it’s your job 💋

[red-butterfly-wing]

Food/drink log 22nd June 2025

banana berry oatmeal: 262 cals

milk (for coffee): 10 cals

peach elderflower vitamin water zero: 5 cals

chocolate crisp protein icecream bar: 148 cals

western style fries with shashlik sauce: 321 cals

snack cucumber: 4 cals

Burned: 178 cals

Net: 573 cals

I believe this is the second time ever that I posted a positive net intake on here. Like I mentioned before, I skipped the gym today and still my body felt like even its backup battery had run dry. What I'm also concerned about is that I haven't had any bowel movement in quite a while despite my fiber filled lunch. Hopefully this will change soon and get me through the next week

[red-butterfly-wing]

I'm so so fucking exhausted. I already thought I'd be going easy on myself today by not going to the gym (it's also fucking 35°C out here) but I'm not gonna skip my home workouts. I just got through the first one out of two and I feel like going to sleep again at 4 pm.

My allergies are also worse than on other days so maybe I'm getting sick? Maybe I'm feeling the effects of eating in a calorie deficit (not acocunting for the BMR) for weeks? Maybe it's the heat after all? (although it's relatively cool in my apartment thankfully)

I already don't look forward to having to work again next week but damn if I'm this tired already then how will I get through this without stuffing myself...

[red-butterfly-wing]

Going to bed early yesterday paid off...I'm at 75 kg (165.3 lbs) rn and lost 8 kg (17.6 lbs) within the past 3½ weeks

Yet I'm not happy about that. I have to get out of the 70s as quickly as possible. It's also frustrating that even now I'm still heavier than my sw back in 2022, I've lost all of it before *insert Squid Game meme here*

[red-butterfly-wing]

Rn I'm just bedrotting in order not to binge

The worst part is that I'm already physically full, I had a fruit smoothie and like ¼ watermelon earlier

I was playing video games but couldn't concentrate anymore, maybe it's just because this questline was shitty but still

So I did some gardening for a bit and then had to take my second shower of today

I'm so fucking tired but sleeping at 7:35 pm would probably fuck up my sleeping schedule

[red-butterfly-wing]

You know a while ago I was worried about losing muscle weight because of all this

But I just checked the history of my measurements taken at the gym, I only gained 1,5 kg of muscle mass within ¾ of a year. I'm not gonna book a coach appointment anytime soon anyways but I suppose one less thing to worry about?

[red-butterfly-wing]

And feel my muscles burn whenever I do fitness influencer home workouts...at least it seems to be effective? Haven't been doing it long enough to actually see any difference yet I suppose

₊˚⊹♡To feel myself burn ₊˚⊹♡

⊹ ࣪ ˖ burn calories

⊹ ࣪ ˖ burned skin

⊹ ࣪ ˖ burning rage

[red-butterfly-wing]

Food/drink log 20th June 2025

milk (for coffee): 29 cals

peanut caramel protein bar: 149 cals

peach elderflower vitamin water zero: 5 cals

banana milkshake: 216 cals

chocolates: 159 cals

snack cucumber: 4 cals

potato pancakes w/ applesauce: 355 cals

Burned: 1342 cals

Net: -435 cals

Today was kinda a weird day, first of all I spent fucking 3½ hrs at the gym and I got dizzy after working out on some machines (back extender and glute drive come to mind)

I hadn't eaten anything beforehand but was still full from last night anyways

The cardio after my entire routine was surprisingly easy compared to yesterday however

Then I took a 2 hrs nap after finishing my home workouts because I was just too fucking tired for anything else

[red-butterfly-wing]

Food/drink log 19th June 2025

banana oatmeal: 249 cals

milk (for coffee): 14 cals

unsweetened almond milk: 27 cals

peach elderflower vitamin water zero: 5 cals

grilled cheese with herbs: 319 cals

chicken breast with herb marinade: 365 cals

side salad: 69 cals

Burned: 1206 cals

Net: -158 cals

Kinda had a low res day and I really struggled with cardio at the gym today, still burning it all off is what matters the most and might get some bowel movement that way

I will try to get my strength workout in before noon tomorrow so I won't have to deal with the heat for once

Also forgot to post my log yesterday, I had a draft but went to sleep at like 1 am so yk

You may see my dinner below

I know that having both the chicken breasts and grilled cheese is a lot but tbh I think getting my BBQ grill out for just a single thing is not worth the effort

I also think that I'll gain tomorrow, not only because of my higher intake but also because I lost 1,8 kg (4 lbs) within the last three days

Update: I more or less maintained (lost 0,1 kg / 0.2 lbs)

[red-butterfly-wing]

I need a drink soo bad rn but the cals...

[red-butterfly-wing]

Food log 17th June 2025

peanut bar: 148 cals

cherries: 154 cals

linguine w/ tomato sauce and cheese: 470 cals

Burned: 974 cals

Net: -202 cals

Probably burned a bit more because I did home workouts again but it's whatever, I slightly slipped up with the cheese for the pasta smh

Anyways I'm finally out of 78 kg jail and I don't feel like my honeymoon phase is over yet? Like I literally feel like I'm back in summer '22 when I reached my lw within two months (didn't have such a high sw though...)

And yeah just like back then I have a crush on someone I have zero chances with while another guy is egging me on...ugh gotta go out with gym talking stage tomorrow, so don't feel like doing that. But tomorrow is Skirk day so fuck yeah!!