relive-lessons

[relive-lessons]

Prozac.

5.22.22

It’s been about 5 days without my medicine, and I don’t like it. I feel aggressive, irritable, and anxious. Aggressive and irritable are probably the top ones the further I go without my medicine. I can see it however, so I guess that is a plus. Still, it doesn’t feel great when it is expressed onto other people. The offspring and soulmate of course. It a crazy thing how the brain works. I have been fascinated by it for some time. Especially the more I learn about trauma and connections they create in the brain or even hide altogether. I was thinking maybe I can go to school for some studies with the brain. Not to be come some world known neurosurgeon but just for myself.

Think about it school…college. I never saw the benefits of it. People who I have know that have gone and completed their studies and gotten degrees-sure they have gotten a job within the field of their studies but now they have all this debt. They have the knowledge however, they are probably working just has hard and as much as they were when they were in school. I feel if it were a fair trade then all the sacrifice, work, and money should amount to so much more after its all said and done. For instance, how awesome would it be that after you get your degree, get fully established in the field you went to school for that with every check you got instead of having to payback that debt a percentage of it just gets dismissed. I mean you’re giving back to your community after all. You are putting all the work and skills they taught you into practice. Yes, you are receiving an income, but I mean c’mon no one can honestly say they are getting paid what they SHOULD be getting paid. Nurses, Doctors, Police Officers, and Firefighters (just to name a few). No way they are getting anywhere close to what they should. But I guess that is life. It is not FAIR. Even when you’re rich and famous you have issues and death. No one is untouchable….it just takes time and life catches up with in one way or another.

I personally would love to see karma play itself out on all those who have hurt me. But then that would give the universe the chance to do the same to me. I am not a great person. I try to be good, but I make mistakes. I say hurtful things without realizing it at times. I am a jealous person. Or at least I have been in the past. I don’t like seeing people who are living off the government getting all these nice things. And why?? Well because I who work full time and don't get assistance from outside sources don’t have those nice things. Does that make me materialistic? Yup, some would say HELL YEAH! Others would think well wait let’s analyze this. Why does she covet nice things? Is it because she didn’t have any growing up? Is it because she has struggled and most of her life has had little to nothing?

Reasons. Everyone has reasons for the being the way they are right? Trauma, drug abuse, neglect, sexual assault, abandonment, death in the family, murder, you name it and it becomes a reason. A reason for us to be and act they way we do. What keeps tracks of all these wrongs and pain? The brain! And yet we are not anyone without it. We would be a vegetable. A robot. Nothing without our brain and all its intricacies. It’s fascinating. It’s scary. There is a saying that we only use like 10% of our brain…. I mean WHAT THE FUCK! We are not even using all of it and yet here we are doing all these things…. some people are creating and evolving the world. Others a struggling just to live in it. Well damn…I think I found a new “adventure” to obsess about for the next 2 weeks. Maybe my ADD brain will allow me to follow this one through. Who knows I could actually get to the bottom of all my issues by diving deep into where they are all stored? Here is to finding out what makes me…ME.