renacyanide-writes

[renacyanide-writes]

Forever A Fighter (a poem)

I Am A Fighter!

My Life has turned around

Ever since I began to Heal a little bit each day

I will Never Give Up, even if I Fall To The Ground

Instead, I Will Ignore The Pain and Wipe My Tears Away

As I Rise to My Feet Once More

And I Will Keep Going

Because there is A Wildfire Within My Core

Brightly Shining and Brightly Glowing

You Can see it Behind My Eyes

And Deep into My Soul

So I Will Continue to Rise

And Turn Myself into Diamond from Coal

Because I Am A Fighter!

I Chase My every Dream that comes to My Mind

It is Never Easy. It is Always Hard

Especially in this World that is So Unkind

And it has Already Left Me Scarred

But All of My Scars have a Story to Tell

I Am so Proud of Myself for How Far I Have Come

From the Deep Depths of My Personal Hell

Feeling so Disconnected and Feeling so Numb

Once, I thought I was already Dead

But somehow still Alive, like a Zombie

But now all of the Voices in My Head

They are all gone, and I am Free

Because I am a Fighter!

I Survived through Death and Came Back to Life

Every Scar on My Skin

Were Made By a Blade or a Knife

It was the Only Way to Satisfy the Monsters Within

Now, They are Silent, I do not Hear Them anymore

Maybe They All gave up and Died

Leaving Me Much Stronger than I was Before

Now, I do not have to Hide who I Really Am inside

And I Am Determined to Live and to Thrive

Now, More than Ever

Since I have Learned How to Survive

And I Will Continue to Survive Forever

Because I Am A Fighter!

I have Seen the Light

Through what felt like a Cold and Endless Void

Or Something Like an Eternal Night

Thinking My Life was Completely Destroyed

And Although it Seemed to Be Broken

I was Very Wrong

Because a New Me has Awoken

It was Always inside of Me, All Along

So, I Will Continue to Fight On

Because this is Me

And from Dusk to Dawn

I Know A Fighter is what I Am Meant To Be

So, I Can Proudly Say, I Am A Fighter!

[renacyanide-writes]

Came up with some great covers for a future series. 5 books, but I might have some bonus content books as well. Really looking forward to this series being completed someday. But for now, I have one novel needing desperate attention so I can publish it as soon as possible. Also I apologize for the long absence. Things have been hectic and I'm trying to cope with everything right now.

[renacyanide-writes]

Breath

Stood face to face with death

But as long as I can take another breath

I continue to write

My story of hope and light

Something that I thought I lost

In the midst of winter's frost

But the sun came back to shine once more

And as I opened that door

A breath of fresh air rushed into me

I think I'm finally free

Of the pain that used to rule my life

I no longer feel the need to use a knife

To feel alive

I'm beginning to thrive

As I grow towards the sun like a seed to a flower

I am beginning to cherish every hour

Because I never know when it'll be my last

So let me leave the painful past

Where it does belong

It took too long

To be able to say positive things about me

Now it's plain to see

I'm starting to feel better

With the stroke of my pen, writing every letter

With the intent to keep living in the present day

I chased my own monsters away

And rebuilt my life from a vacant land

And made it my garden of happiness

And even in the darkness

I can see the stars above

And the moon's love

These scars I bear

Are proof that I have been there

And lived to tell the tale another day

I know I have every reason to stay

I have a wonderful life ahead of me

And that is why I say I am free

[renacyanide-writes]

[renacyanide-writes]

Someone...

Someone I love will no longer speak

Someone I love used to make my knees weak

Someone I love saw me at my worst

Someone I love I used to put first

Someone I love loved me boldly

Someone I love and I used to dance slowly

Someone I love kissed me passionately

Someone I love helped me think rationally

Someone I love was there in my darkest hours

Someone I love always brought me flowers

Someone I love I started to push away

Someone I love found every reason to stay

Someone I love tried so hard to help me

Someone I love couldn't see the darkness within me

Someone I love I left and broke his heart

Someone I love picked himself apart

Someone I love saw me fall

Someone I love saw me giving up on it all

Someone I love wanted to be there

Someone I love was not treated fair

Someone I love still haunts my dreams

Someone I love was the man of my dreams

Someone I love I will never forget

Someone I love is like a stranger I never met

Someone I love will hate me forever

Someone I love and I will never get back together

[renacyanide-writes]

[renacyanide-writes]

I painted this a few months ago. It is an interpretation of my depression. It's also part of a 5 painting series. Painting 1 of 5.

[renacyanide-writes]

Free Me From My Misery (A Poem)

No one gives a shit

No, not one bit

They say 'Get real'

Or, 'It's no big deal'

People can be so cruel and mean

They haven't seen what I have seen

Well let me tell you something

The sorrowful songs I sing

The way I make a razor dance upon my skin

To tame the monster within

The way I hide away from prying eyes

And lips that only spill lies

The way I light another cigarette and smoke

And the way I just choke

When I strangle myself because I feel dumb

And so very numb

It's the only thing I feel

Nothing else feels real

How am I still alive? 

No one gives a fuck if I die or thrive

Solitude is my only friend

And will be my only friend, to the end

The end of time, the end of the universe

This is my living hell, my living curse

The way I hurt I want others to hurt 

The same exact way I do

Because all of this is true

How I long to be happy again

But here I am, crying and writing this with my pen

Because I just need to express this deep grief

For never having any relief

From everything I deal with everyday

I just don't feel like I want to stay

I want to fly, let me be free

Where I can be free of my misery

[renacyanide-writes]

The Only Way

The horror I conceal

Behind my emotionless eyes

They all say it is not real

They think it is all lies

The monster inside

The monster will rise and take control

The real me has died

I have no soul

Just the demon’s violence

Where did I go

I speak to the complete silence

As I walk through the sparkling snow

My soul will never shine

It will forever be dark

My soul is no longer mine

Depression has laid its mark

On something that was once a beautiful sight

Nothing but sadness exists

So why do I still try to fight

The urge to slice my wrists

To leave the ugliest scars

My mind is too broken

To land a place in the stars

The words I should have spoken

I left unheard

I left unsaid

The lines between life and death are blurred 

So I ask myself, am I alive or dead

No answer is clear

Leaving me confused and numb

Wanting to forever disappear 

Because I don’t like what I have become

A monster in plain view

I have always been one

Unable to let go of the past and start anew

Until my life is over and done

Do not hold on

Let me go

So I will be dead by the dawn

It is hard, I know

But it is the only way I will finally be able to escape this curse

It is the only way I will finally be at peace with the monster inside

It is the only way that will prevent things from getting worse

So after I have died

I want you to know my death will never be all in vain

Because you will be safe from the horrors I bring

It was not your fault, it was my fucked up brain

For a moment, the loss of me will sting

But it is nothing compared to what I could have done

I do not want to cause anyone else pain

I never wanted to hurt anyone

If anything, my death would not be a true loss, but a gain

I love you all

But please do not save me

Because I will only fall

And when I do, I am only setting you free

From this life-long curse of mine

I hope you all understand why

In the long run, you will be fine

Even though you might cry

Do not save me because my death will only save you

From my violent ways

Even without me, you will make it through

You will survive all the days

Until we are reborn

In a new life, a new universe

But my soul will always be forlorn 

Because all I am is a violent curse

[renacyanide-writes]

Night Beauty

Open the doorway to the night

Turn out the light

And behold the beautiful sight

The stars shine bright

Against an infinite sky

Watch the night birds fly

Overhead, above the trees so high

Such a beautiful view, you could cry

A star for every soul

Listen to the midnight bells toll

As you take a stroll

To make yourself whole

A moment in time you cannot miss

The rolling waves give your toes a kiss

Filling you with bliss

Even when things seem to go amiss

You can always come back to the shore

How can you ask for more?

As the birds above soar

There is no need to hide yourself anymore

Where you are, you always belong

Though everything seems to go all wrong

You have always been the melody to the Earth’s song

You haven’t been alone all along

With everything you’ve been through

It’s time to start anew

Everything you need is already inside of you

Even if you are bruised black and blue

Hope is always there

Even if life seems unfair

Even if you’re filled with despair

Just breathe the air

I know you feel so small

But someday, nothing will matter at all

Even if you fail, even if you fall

Hear the sea’s calming call

The stars will lead you to where you need to go

And the moon sparkles upon the snow

The wind will whisper memories from long ago

Let your tears fall, let them flow

You are safe and free

You are a seed, waiting to become a tree

Waiting to show your true beauty

Someday, you too, will see

[renacyanide-writes]

Poem For You

When the wedding bell does toll

I will know I am going to finally be whole 

You touched my heart

We will never be apart

As we danced through darkness as one

Our special moment witnessed by none

In perfect harmony, and in perfect trust

This is love, not lust

I can open my heart to you

I know you can do it too

I can put away my disguise 

As you look into my eyes 

You taught me how to love once more

I don't even think I have known love before

Before I ran into you

Before I met you 

Our paths were meant to meet

That's when I truly felt complete

You saved me 

And you set my heart free

Of the the eternal emptiness I felt

The ice in my heart did melt

When I first saw your face 

As we shared our first embrace

When we had our first kiss

You pulled me from my darkest abyss

With just your gentle touch as you held my hand

You helped my spirit rise, you helped me stand

I was in the darkness for too long

Then you came along

And you took away all my fears

You dried up all my tears

You wiped them away from my eyes

As rain fell from the skies

[renacyanide-writes]

Spiritual Journey

As the spirit speaks to me tonight

The moon shines its light

Down upon the path that I walk

I do not talk

During this spiritual journey 

To finally be free

Into the Astral Plane

With nothing to lose, everything to gain

I am looking for wisdom from the Divine

Under where the stars align 

The wisdom I seek is already inside of me

Therefore I am already free

So I walk in silence 

Never to be full of violence 

I am to bring peace to my soul

As a distant bell does toll

I follow where They lead me

And They lead me to where I can be free

So I give them all my trust

Because it is a must

So I no longer have to hide

To find the peace inside

To ignite my soul’s flame

Then I will never be the same

They lead me to a forest of trees

I fall onto my knees

As I stood before the Divine

The whole universe did align 

I stood frozen in place

As I saw each face

Beautiful and unique in their own ways

I feel as if I’m in a daze

Blinded by their divine energy and beauty

And filled with serenity 

One looks me straight in the eye

They tell me, “If you’re ever lost, look at the night sky”

I don’t know what that could mean

As I was caught between

The Astral Plane and awareness

The vision faded away to darkness

Then the bright sun began to rise

I left the night a little more wise

And as I woke, I was in bed

Remembering what was said

[renacyanide-writes]

Enlightment

I stand by the shore of a lake

Watching the push and pull of the tide

My senses are awake

My third eye is opened wide

Watching life go by

Sunset to sunrise 

And the night sky

It goes so fast before my eyes

Days turn to weeks, to months, to years

Yet I am still standing here

Crying beautiful tears

Because I have no fear

Only the peace I feel so deeply inside

I let the water wash over my feet

I put all my worries aside 

And I start to feel complete

The peace runs very deep

The beauty I see now, will not be the last

It doesn't seem real, only an illusion of sleep

I throw the stones of my past

Into the choppy waves in front of me

And as the waves lap at the sharp sides

Of my past, I feel like I'm finally free

And the pain subsides

My past will not hold me back anymore 

The past no longer has control 

So I close that last door

Feeling like a newborn foal

With the weight of my past gone

I have won the war

So now I see the start of a new dawn

I am filled with peace, to the core

I hope to have lived up to my legacy

No doubt about it, I will

It isn't hard to see

That I will succeed and fulfill 

What I was always meant to do

I don't know everything in detail

But I know I will triumph and make it through 

No matter what that will entail 

My senses have awoken

My third eye is opened wide

I was never broken 

But it is up to me to decide

What I do with my life until I die

I choose a path of fulfillment 

And oh my spirit will never die

But when I do die I will leave everyone in amazement

[renacyanide-writes]

In the Moonlight Haze

In the moonlight haze

I remember the days

When I was actually able to enjoy life

Now my arms are forever scarred by the knife

Now there is a fading memory of beautifully fair skin

Due to the monster within

So I am stuck wandering the night

Under the pale moonlight

Under the pale moonlight

I forever fight

The urge to just end it all

I have reached the end of the downward spiral and I fall

Straight down the middle, where I find myself in a dark abyss

Where things have gone amiss

So I just give up and lie down

This is where I will drown

This is where I will drown

The water rises around

My lifeless body, because I couldn’t let go

Of the mistakes I made long ago

Now the weight of my mistakes weigh on my soul

And where my heart should be, is just a hole

This is the end of my days

In the moonlight haze

[renacyanide-writes]

Two pieces of artwork I did last year. The first one is called "Bloodred Forest". The other one is called "Face2Face". The second one is a visual of a hallucination I had, seeing my inner demon of self-harm for the first time. It's also fan art for my favorite band, Citizen Soldier's song called "Face To Face".

[renacyanide-writes]

The Demon

Maybe I should go away

And never come back

The cold outside the door

Is nothing compared to the cold I feel inside

Behind my eyes

Is a demon I cannot control

No matter how hard I could try

The demon will always be there

At the end of every day

I lie alone in a room that is pitch black

The cold reaches my core

Makes me feel numb like I have died

No one can hear my silent cries

From the depths of my saddened soul

I beg and plead and ask it why

It fills me with hopelessness and despair 

All it says is that I deserve to feel like this

That I deserve the pain of self-harm

That it’s a punishment for all the horrible things I’ve done

In the distant past, after all

What comes around, goes around

It wants me to suffer forever

Even in another life

When things are supposed to completely reset

So I fall into a deeper, darker abyss

As I cut into my arm

Until the setting sun

Sets upon my miserable life

And then I will forever fall

Until I hit six feet underground

I will never be free, never

So I may as well get used to the knife

Because how could I ever forget?

[renacyanide-writes]

Two-Faced

This endless war is fucking killing me

She doesn't seem to care to see

So I sit here completely silently 

Trying not to act violently 

Towards the one who put me in this fucking situation to begin with

I do not wish her death

Just endless suffering just like she put me in

She's the one who committed the sin

She doesn't understand 

Nor will she ever understand 

Because she couldn't care less to

Even if I gave her another chance to

She would just beat me like a fucking rag doll with her hurtful words

Without thinking twice about how much it fucking hurts 

I won't stand to be called hurtful words at all

I hope she reaches her fall

To her rock bottom, the way she should fall

So she will remain blocked everywhere I can block her

So she will hurt me no more

Her apologies mean nothing to me now 

She's gone too far now

She's done it too much to the point I don't believe she's being sincere anymore

So she can go ahead and slam the door on me

But then she'll see

I'll slam the door even harder in her ugly ass faces

'Cause she's fucking two-faced

One moment she says she loves me, what a fucking lie! 

Then she makes me cry

'Cause then she's saying messed up shit about me to my face, 

Telling me I'm a disgrace 

And how much she fucking hates me

I wish I could have foreseen how much of a bitch she can be.

Now she's lost all goddamn respect for her

Because of the way she hurt me

She's got no one but herself to blame for this

She's someone I will never miss. 

I know this is a bit... harsh maybe? Maybe moreso violently expressive. But this is a vent in the form of a poem about my horrible Mother-In-Law.