riri-of-the-valley - Tumblr blog

[riri-of-the-valley]

yearning is forever

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

who am i if not exploited

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[riri-of-the-valley]

i may be in desperate need of help

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

my life is a stadium of filled seats—i find myself constantly searching for a place where i fit in.

the cheers of the crowd feel hollow, it feels fake. perhaps the genuineness is drowned out by the whispers of doubt and insecurity that echo through my mind. it’s as if every step I take is scrutinized, every decision questioned, and every success ridiculed.

i do not even own my field, i am not in control of my own game, i do not possess home court advantage.

i do not belong in my own life.

it is like everything is premeditated against my will, all the work done behind my back. betrayal, treachery, perfidy—you name it. as if every eye watching keenly prays for my downfall.

i’d rather die than be perceived.

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

hi. i’m still alive? or not idk

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

it’s a one-way street and i can’t make a u-turn

it’s impossible to retrace my steps back from where it started to go all wrong. i can’t just turn my back away from the current and foreseeable future just to fix the past that would’ve gone the same way it did in all parallel universes i live in.

i can’t suffer walking through another boulevard.

upon dwelling in this familiar avenue of what-ifs and lost possibilities—it struck me that i am all that’s left to navigate this desolate landscape of what could have been.

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

i’m already in march but you’re still in september

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[riri-of-the-valley]

i had my first session today!

this it it. the start of my journey towards wellness. my therapist said that we’d hit milestones. we’ll set goals to get rid of any mismanagement that i have going on. every bit of sadness and every speck of anger gets picked off my plate. but is devouring all the chaos worth it?

is this the end?  i’m finally getting the help i need?

am i really prepared to let go of all the chaos that has cradled me in a chokehold for two decades long? the chaos i was comfortable enough to live in? the chaos that all i’ve ever known?

it is all i’ve ever known. it is all i ever lived through. taking the leap is scary—stepping out of my bubble. this eternal gray matter housed my crippling mind—a rotting one, to say the least.

how will i ever write again after i’ve banished the very genius in my soul that keeps wounding me? where will i find my muse? will this be my breakthrough in finally writing about solemn things and the joys of life? will i ever be truly happy for the first time in forever?

how could i write if i could not bleed anymore?

maybe there’s some kind of peace in chaos.

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

me and my husband, we’re sticking together

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

she embodied all i yearned for

the yearning of my heart’s core. my peacemaker through every phase, mending my missteps with grace. she granted me boundless travels, reaching places unknown. she even gave me solitary contemplation, embracing my growth beyond her own.

she catered my every longing, my every essential need. in a world cruel and uncertain, above it all, wasn’t sure about anything, except for one undeniable truth—i loved her.

i still love her.

yet, the bitter truth unfolds a second too late—she vanished like the smoke of january first’s break of dawn when she needed me the most.

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

you’re stuck with me for eternity

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

i made pasta for two. plated in fine china, just for me and you.

no third party in this room. quick! bring out the crystal wine glasses as i plate these mouthwatering soul food that will make you feel out of this world!

all set? let’s savor our final banquet!

🍽️🍝🥂❓🪦

...darling, what’s the matter? it burns? your stomach turns? wondering about the ingredients? the reciple is fairly easy, actually.

just like what you did... ♡

[1] pasta of your choice, it’s not like i’m one of those; [2] the finely minced flowery words you used on another muse; [3] indefinite ounces of my shrieks in agony upon discovery; [4] unlimited cups of wasted blood, sweat, and tears from all these years; [5] one broken heart, ground to dust because of your uncontrollable lust; [6] and lastly, a pinch of betrayal for garnish :)

so, please. do indulge in your meal. i poured all my heart and soul for that.. unfortunately—all for you.

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

i am so silly

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[riri-of-the-valley]

a touch-starved and praise-craving trope call for chaos

two souls, each craving fulfillment in contrasting ways, find themselves caught in the disarray of mismatched necessities. one hungers for the solace of words, while the other yearns for the warmth of skin.

their bond was impossible for the crowd, as they thought they were incapable, incompatible. yet against all odds—they made it feasible for their love. learning beyond their boundaries to cater to what each other needed. just to satiate their famished hearts.

r.r.

[riri-of-the-valley]

a firm believer

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[riri-of-the-valley]

i long for a gentle life

as easy as the yolks, with no runny noses to blow. as light as the breeze on my face, the warm sunshine touches my skin. as calm as the eyes like pools of honey gleam with the sight of tomorrow, not even an inch of space for sorrow. as tender as the fingers that caress my supple cheeks, softly tuck my hair behind my ear.

where the soul knows no greed, knows no bad deed.

where i can exist freely, with no gods that make me cry a creed whenever i bleed.

r.r

[riri-of-the-valley]

casually fading away ...

r.r.