rubies2redfish

[rubies2redfish]

A Decade Sober

I am 10 years sober today. A whole decade. It feels unreal and at the same time, my only reality. Only recently have I come to realize what a big deal this is. It just has seemed necessary not something I have accomplished for so many years. It wasn’t an option in my mind. I had to stay sober or I would die. I didn’t want to die, so I didn’t use. Recently, I have been on the other side of…

[rubies2redfish]

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart. I carry such weighted emotion. My addict personality is a symptom of this affliction. I believe that I used to feel relief from that burden. I just didn’t want to feel, even if just for a moment. I know now that there is no temporary fix to a heavy heart. I know that using only makes the burden greater, not less. The only course for me is to feel those emotions, meet them,…

[rubies2redfish]

Keep Your Red Flags to Yourself

Keep Your Red Flags to Yourself

Dating is hard. Dating in your late 30s, sober, single mom with an inconsistent custody schedule is hard. I have thought about this post for a while now, whether or not I should write it and more and more I have had people talk to me about their own struggles being in similar situations. I still think about when my daughter asked me why I couldn’t keep a boyfriend…we soon found out where she had…

[rubies2redfish]

Hot Mess Express to The Little Engine That Could

Hot Mess Express to The Little Engine That Could

I don’t know when it happened. It was slow and gradual. For the majority of my young adult life I have been an absolute hot mess. I was that train wreck that you were so horrified yet mesmerized by…could it possibly get any worse? I made mistake after mistake. I laughed about what a disaster I was. What else could I really do about it? What I had to do was get sober or die. 9 years later so you…

[rubies2redfish]

Legacy

Legacy; finding purpose in recovery

It is no secret that I have had obstacles in my life. I don’t think they are any more than other people’s, they are just mine, all I know. In the middle of these life obstacles, I often felt like I was never going to make it out. I honestly believed that some of them would kill me, but guess what? Here I am, so obviously they did not. I have mentioned before that I felt sadness about the time…

[rubies2redfish]

9 Years Sober

I got sober to save my life.

I stay sober to truly live.

It has been 9 years since I have been a drunk. Sometimes it seems like forever ago, like I don’t even know that girl and then other times it feels like yesterday. Most people I know now don’t know that girl. Many people refuse to believe that I was “that bad off.” I was physically, emotionally and mentally dependent on alcohol for…

[rubies2redfish]

Attitude of Gratitude

grat·i·tude

Gratitude

/ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Gratitude is a warm feeling of thankfulness towards the world, or towards specific individuals. The person who feels gratitude is thankful for what they have, and does not constantly seek more.

There it is…. That “constantly seeking more” part that…

[rubies2redfish]

Alone

Alone, healing and dating in recovery

Check out my girl, Tallahassee’s Best Photographer 2020 here.

This is a difficult post to write. Fully open and out there, but I think it is important to put out there because this has been one of my biggest struggles in recovery. It has been 4 years since I got divorced from Viv’s dad. The truth is, I thought I would be married now. I thought I would date as sober me, real me and God would just…

[rubies2redfish]

The Witching Hour

Adieren Narro Photography

Halloween and Christmas are our 2 favorite holidays. Yes, I realize that they are very different to be one’s favorite, but here is why. To me, both celebrate the best things in life. Halloween is about celebrating the magic, fantasy, imagination and Christmas is about celebrating the love, connections and generosity. Halloween is also special for my daughter and I because…

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Drowning

Mostly, I write about how great sobriety is. I talk about how much I love my life. I want to share the good that recovery has given me. However, there are the other days that I guess I don’t talk about much. I think I don’t mainly because there are days I am just completely exhausted. There are days that I feel so overwhelmed by sadness I feel like I am drowning. My emotions are so heavy I feel…

[rubies2redfish]

My Sunflower

Facing the sun is a choice the sunflower makes every single day.

https://adierennarrophotography.pixieset.com

When someone asks, “how are you?” and you say, “eh,” they nod in agreement. This is new for me, as in, most people are feeling just eh about things. It is like we are all stuck in this seemingly never ending what if life. We are all pooh and piglet wandering through the fog now.…

[rubies2redfish]

Level Up, Baitcaster Edition

Level Up, Baitcaster Edition

My protocol is usually, try new things. If I am not good at said new thing, I quit. That was the old me, until I found fishing. I am an addict, addicted to the new, always chasing the dragon that does not actually exist. Everything was disposable, until I had my daughter. My child and my sobriety changed everything. Sobriety has forced me to reevaluate all my thought processes. I had to examine…

[rubies2redfish]

Above all else, be kind.

Above all else, be kind.

We are all very aware of the gigantic whirlwind at a snails pace rollercoaster 2020 has been. Sometimes, I still feel like we are all going to wake up and it will be fine. But it won’t. There is no normal to go back to and honestly, why would we want to go back? If we are honest, something needed to change with the direction our world was going in at light speed, but this was definitely not what…

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Don’t Mess with Mama Bear and Her Baby’s Oils

Don’t Mess with Mama Bear and Her Baby’s Oils

So there was an incident and I just feel like it needs to be addressed. I have been using essential oils since my daughter was about 3 years old. I wish I had found them sooner! I was completely ignorant about the power of those drops of oily goodness when I started using them over 5 years ago. There was a steep learning curve, especially in the beginning, but it was worth it. I am now finishing…

[rubies2redfish]

This is 37

https://adierennarrophotography.pixieset.com/

I made it 37 years of life. I know, I am as surprised as you are. I never really had a plan about how I wanted me life to go because the truth is, I didn’t think I would make it this far. When unexpected trauma changes the entire trajectory of your life at 15, life tends to get a little squirrelly. All though, when is trauma ever expected? I spent…

[rubies2redfish]

Pandemic Parenting

Anyone else feel like they are failing at parenting during this pandemic, or is it just me? 2 months in and every day I feel a like I am slipping just a little bit more. I love my child more than my own life, but y’all, I am beyond ready for her to just go somewhere during the day when I am trying to work. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope not because I am counting down the days before she goes…

[rubies2redfish]

We are not all in the same boat.

We are not all in the same boat.

Really, this whole stay at home order would be so much harder on me if I didn’t have a boat. I don’t even say that as a joke. I bought a boat last year and it really didn’t move a whole lot from it’s parking spot. I am so thankful to now have a best friend that is just as excited as me to get out on the water! It truly is a perfect escape from this interesting reality we are all living right now.…