s-h-i-n-e-y

[s-h-i-n-e-y]

Award of the State.

I dont remember how I accidentally landed on the first chord. It wasnt in the power chord like the actual recording. I think underage alcohol was involved.

I had this trick my friend and I would do where one of us would be looking for something and get the cashier's attention while the other one of us grabbed a 4loko out of the beer cooler section, then just set it down on the shelf behind them, while the other person who was chatting up the cashier would go over and grab it, hide it up their flannel sleeve and put it in one of those big fountain drink cups, fill in the space with whatever cheap dark soda and put a lid on it while the other person then had their turn chatting up the cashier asking where something was or asking for the bathroom key or whatever. We were getting 4lokos for large fountain drink prices. Thanks, [redacted pnw convenience store chain].

I digress.

Right. When I wrote this, I was maybe 17. It was the first song that I wrote in that way. Where I take a traumatic experience from my past, turn it into an angry song and all of a sudden it was something seperate from me. It's own thing. And sometimes when I played it at open mics, people would cheer and tip me money about it. It was a tool for compartmentalizing and dealing with shit.

Anyway, that first chord, I think inwas drunk. Fairly certain. 16, maybe 17, 4loko on an empty stomach at 1 in the morning and staring at the finger positions for chords I had scribbled on my inner arm, copied from some the internet thanks to [redacted] local library downtown.

I didnt know shit about music back then, but looking back, I would say I had the

/vibe/

of wanting it in c# but no idea how to express that. So when I tried out that first chord and it was dissonant and shit, I started playing around it with power chords. But yeah.

For the lyrics, I had a spiral bound composition notebook. Red. I was scribbling out random lines related to what I was writing about with no real form or flow. Looking back, the first verse could have been longer and I absolutely could have put more words into it, but the amount of topic therein in such a short amount of time felt like it conveyed the point and feeling properly.

{I'm still working on the animations and shit. Just giving an idea in case this is your first time hearing about the song. I'll update later with the actual song once the album's done and ready}

But yeah, it was rushed, it was simple and to the point and even hurried. And that was on purpose. If you've never been taken away by cps, let me give you an idea:

>be you

> be 7 or so.

> strangers show up in a white van with government plates.

> theres at least 2 burly dudes and always some scrawny "karen fusion-danced with a rude librarian" lady who does all the talking.

> lady explains to your parent(s) that the state is taking you away and who to contact to protest it and try to get you back.

> meanwhile henchman #1 gives you a black 5 gallon trash bag (8 gallon, depending on the economy of the county/town) and tells you to pack up your things.

> they dont tell you that you are getting into that van and that van is going in 5 minutes.

> NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES.

> get_in a_van_with_strangers.exe

That's it. The burly henchmen make sure you get in that and that van and goes within those 5 minutes. Theres a reason they got all that muscle.

From there, the chorus seems a little out of place and confusing, yes. Again, I'm using that to simulate the emotion of it all. I dont write this shit just to bitch and make people see what I felt, I write this shit for everyone else who ever went through this to not feel alone, you know?

Like, this traumatic experience being simulated is a song that they can literally pause and stop at any time, unlike the actual experience. When I was writing it at 17, I had no idea, but my partner has since told me that's called "exposure therapy"?

Anyway.

The chorus is just the same chords from the verse just being played by every godamned instrument

[except for the lead guitar playing that fun little riff. Still not sure I'm I'm happy with it, but it's the most fitting riff I've come up with thus far]

and the drums keeping the same fast pace punk beat and beating the shit out of the cymbals while I'm just screaming

"Yeah, I swear I'll be good. Now treat me like you should".

With little context, its confusing, but in traditional knuckle-dragging 4/4

"verse chorus verse chorus bridge chorus" punk. So subliminally, anyone who has heard even Green Day is clocking that this will repeat. It's the chorus. But if you grew up on such low IQ, loud, angry music as I did [I mean these adjectives about music as a compliment, by the way] as I did, your monkey-brain will also clock

"Huh. The name of the song is 'Award of the State' but they did not /say/ award of the state".

You know, so many songs from the era and genre that inspired this shit-ass excuse of a song, the name is also the last line of the chorus, you know? So already I'm laying some groundwork in the back of noggins.

The music calms back down so you know its verse time again. I know, the wah pedal and delay gives a "scooby doo" chase scene vibe and yes I wanted the lead to be doing that. I wanted something that rang of childhood fun times while I'm screaming about traumatic shit, cause I WAS a child when this happened, you know? Which leads me to that 2nd verse.

{Huh. Just made a another little snippet video for it and tumblr has informed me I can only do one of those per post.

Fancy that}

Anyways, verse 2:

"Got tired of that shithole

so I up and left.

When foster mom found me, she took her cigarette,

put it out on my foot, said "it was an accident

but there'll be more if you EVER try that again"

She gave me a scar so I'll never forget:

She wants me home for that social security check.

It didnt feel like anything writing that. I literally didnt feel anything. I've had people approach me after shows and ask

"What the fuck? They gave you a scar 'on accident' and promised there 'would be more' if you tried to run away again?!" all aghast and shit and it's just like

"yeah. Yeah, she did".

Compartmentalization is neither a good or healthy tool when you're living with ptsd and dont have a safe place to fall apart, but when a hammer is the only tool you have, you make do. And I would look back later in life and realize I was doing just that.

But looking back, having found a safe place and a wonderful partner to help me unpack my shit, its like... what kind of vile woman, you know?

She actively gave me a cigarette burn somewhere that wont really be noticed unless you're actively looking for it or aware of it to begin with, told me it was an accident and threatened more of them because if I'm not there when social workers show up and I'm nowhere to be found, she doesnt get the social security check? Fuck.

It goes into the chorus again after that and I'm still keeping the same level on the vocals, trying to sound calm and composed as I can with all that's going on. Then the bridge comes round and things mellow out while I shift to F chord and let it ring out and only move slightly up a half note and back down and such, giving a gross chromatic feel for a few measures and then the lyrics come back in

"They send a social worker every month or so

to make sure I'm fed, make sure I'm clothed.

Foster mom keeps me for the tax rebate, 'cause all I am is an 'award of the state' "

When I was a kid in the foster care system, they were saying "ward".

"A /ward/ of the State".

But being 7 in a podunk town in [redacted county], [redacted state] my vocabulary was lacking and I just assumed they were saying "award". Which made sense, because they're getting that ss check, no? I didnt really feel like there was a place and way of properly explaining that in the song, so it's just gonna be explained here, in the cliffnotes of the physical album and otherwise explained if you ask me after the show over drinks or a cigarette.

It drops into the chorus one last time and this time I'm up an octave and screaming.

"Yeah I swear, yeah I swear, yeah I swear I'll be good!

Now treat me like- treat me like you should!"

I'm a touch desensitized to it all, as stated with compartmentalizing my grief and shit, but how fucked up is that? My inner child literally writing a song so that I can just scream and plead to not be abused and promising I'll behave.

I thought making a song out of it would help.

And I think it did.

Its an outlet to scream that shit out, you know?

You stand on a street corner and scream that shit, someones gonna call the cops or some other agency to pick me up or some shit, but you put guitars, drums and bass behind it and all of a sudden its art.

Guitar strings are cheaper than therapy, after all.

It comes across as self flagellation on an emotional level, sure, but the number of times I've played that and some other poor bastard tells me they were a ward of the state too and start spilling their purse and I'm all fucking ears and offering them a hug and its like

"Yeah. You arent alone, what you went through was fucked up and you're not alone".

That's what I wanted to do for people.

Like, first time I heard Everclear's "Father of Mine" and I was able to scream

"My daddy gave me a name, and then he walked away"

Holy shit. That was fucking cathartic. I could be hurt and wounded and howl along with a song and no one batted an eye. I wanted to do that for other people, you know?

Anyway, the album should be out by August of this year [2025] if all goes well.

I'll be selling physical copies and I havent decided where to post it for digital streaming purposes. Probably myspace, just to be an inconvenience.

[s-h-i-n-e-y]

I make bad music loudly