sadkidwarexpert - Tumblr blog

[sadkidwarexpert]

funnily enough i thought after 8 years of undiagnosed depression maybe I've experienced everything there is to it but NO THIS IS LIKE FUCKING CANDY CRUSH WITH A THOUSAND LEVELS

[sadkidwarexpert]

in my worst days, that stretch across my eternity.

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trust that there is not a day that I don't spiral

[sadkidwarexpert]

what am i but a woman woven from rage

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I'm a lost cause

[sadkidwarexpert]

i don't think i am capable of texting any of my friends or calling them, even though i know i can and they'll pick up, so i'm going to post here, i am not feeling well mentally, i feel like im collapsing, which always happens when exams are here (my exam is on thursday) and i need to be studying but inside everything is going haywire, anxiety is through the roof, and im thinking if anything has any meaning anymore. I'm usually fucked full force by depression but it just maximizes around exam time. i feel bad, im not okay, but don't worry about me because it will somehow pass. i just need help now and i feel like asking for it here has way less burden.

so if you see this, please send in a kind word.

[sadkidwarexpert]

will you still read if i don't write fanfiction anymore?

[sadkidwarexpert]

what a woeful realization, being an artist.

[sadkidwarexpert]

the worst thing about uni is the fact that they only give you a max of 6 absences per major, which lasts 2 months. And with every absence you lose marks. Call me irresponsible, but it's 6am and I haven't slept yet, I'm having the worst bouts of insomnia coupled with a fucking cold and and an even bitchier depression episode, I'm literally going insane and i have to be up in 2hrs.

[sadkidwarexpert]

this has got to be a damn joke

[sadkidwarexpert]

so im a senior now.

[sadkidwarexpert]

been a pleasure

[sadkidwarexpert]

see when it gets really bad you don't tell anyone, you muffle it, you keep it quiet, you bite it down, scold it, try to fathom it, decide it's not worth it, push it into the tightest corner, into the jumbled closet and pray it doesn't burst open. Not for lack of faithful audience, oh they are there, but for how unspeakable it is, for how redundant and repetitive and recyclable it is, for how everytime it leaves you speechless because how do you morph an epic into a sentence? How do you pack a ghoul into a purse?

When it gets really bad, you lie down and stare, at the wall, into the crevice of your soul, under the folds of your mind, in the nooks never ventured, you upturn graves, and skeletons come chasing for your neck, you dig out the unforgiven, you cannibalize yourself, you fraction this mess into bite sized pieces, with a dollop of exaggeration on top, and you swallow yourself again and again till it makes you sick. You lie on your side, you lie to yourself, you wait for it to pass but you pass before it does, you expire, it exhausts you and if you turn on your back it crushes your ribcage and suffocates you. When it gets really bad you spiral, and it's never a smooth ride down, more of a tumble that breaks your neck and smashes your windpipe, leaves you whistling in grief, while it dances around you.

When it gets really bad, the world never stops around you, only the immediate particles that scatter away as you move by, because the wheel of time rushes forward while you get stuck in the sluggish hours, you let the air stand still. When it gets really bad you tear yourself down more than it does, you turn the muzzle to your own heart and pull the trigger, then again, then again. You pull the breaks, get out and slam the car door shut. You grab your shirt into tight fists and slam you against the wall, again and again till you bleed it all out. It's a personal vendetta, it's a vindictive vicious cycle of hatred lasting for centuries. Demonic hatred. And it never goes away.

[sadkidwarexpert]

enemies to lovers but the enemy is myself

[sadkidwarexpert]

i dont think i can explain this level of exhaustion, there's pain wringing my bones and brain and soul and thrashing me inside out

[sadkidwarexpert]

[on the verge of having a complete breakdown] i need to make some kind of list or perhaps sort things into categories

[sadkidwarexpert]

So, finals season, the most vicious one yet, the most inhumane, ridiculous season yet. Tomorrow is my first one and im shitting out of my eyes with fear and anxiety.