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OH MY GOD I FUCKED UP SO BAD.

I SAW THE CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY “BULLSHIT” SALE YESTERDAY AND BOUGHT IT THINKING IT WAS AN EXPANSION PACK.

IT’S LITERALLY BULL SHIT. THEY ARE SENDING COW POOP TO MY HOUSE AND I HAVE NO CLUE HOW I’M GOING TO EXPLAIN IT TO MY PARENTS.

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it’s like i always say: fuck

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Mom guilt.

Mom guilt. The never ending comparison to what you think you should be. Feeling guilt for everything any normal human is able and should do like; eating perhaps ? Or taking time to use the restroom without hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet hitting the floor outside the door. That SLIGHT bit of alone time just doing what EVERYONE else does, but its a treat because youre whole life is taking care of another human.

Mom guilt; losing patience with your 11 month old baby that cannot talk yet or communicate what they need or want. Hes crying and you don't know why, you start to get flustered and overwhelmed and that turns to frustration. And as soon as that frustration sets in the guilt poor's in, as youre watching your little human pick up his bouncy ball and walk away like he didnt just watch you lose your patience over spilt cheese its.

Mom guilt. Feeling like you didnt spend enough time with him, that you didnt play with him enough as you look at your living room full of toys and cheerios in every nook and cranny.

Mom guilt. Reflecting on the day once hes in bed, after it seemed like you waited ALL day for him to go to sleep and immediately wanting to go and wake him up and apologize to him for not being the super mom that you strive to be every single day.

No matter how frustrated you get though, no matter how impatient you get he still abandons his favorite ball just to come over to you and lay his head on you, with all the love in the world. Just for you.

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If you give people the silent treatment after an disagreement, you're immature as FUCK.

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have kids they said... It'll be FUN..

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Stay at home parent.

These are my thoughts because I dont have anywhere else to put them. I found out i was pregnant in January of 2018, i was 22. Beforehand i didnt want kids yet and my boyfriend didnt want kids at all at the time, but he was great and respected my wishes in not being able to go through with an abortion. I had a super easy oregnanct, no morning sickness only heartburn through the whole time. My boyfriend and I struggled, i struggled with my body imagine and the inevitable weight gain i would experience (ive always had fears of gaining weight). So my pregnancy physically was easy peasy, but my pregnancy mentally snf emotionally was tested every single day.

I gave birth October 3rd, 2018 at 12:57 am, surrounded by my family and his, Seth was perfect weighing 7lbs and was 19.5 in long. We stayed in the hospital for 3 days to monitor seth because labor progressed so quick I couldnt get the antibotics I needed for him. Prior i hadnt slept for 2 days because of contractions then this little human came into the world with a possibility of getting infections so I literally couldnt keep my eyes off him. Constantly making sure hes breathing unable to sleep in fear that something was going to happen to him while i was asleep. So I didnt sleep for almost 4 days straight, if I did it was with my eyes open.

My boyfriend struggled, he LOVES his sleep whenever he got a chance he was sleeping in the hospital. I get it though if I'm not sleeping why not get some time in? 3 days pass and no infection so we're cleared to go home. Go home to a mess because labor was just intense and nothing was able to get done during that time. The doctor said "you are to do NOTHING but sleep, feed and love your baby for 10 days". That 100% did NOT happen, the house has to get cleaned somehow, right ? Sleep deprived, i still have to do what I have to do.

Thats when the stay at home motherhood kicked in. My boyfriend got a week leave from work because it was a newer job and he hadnt been there long enough to have a full paid leave. It was ALL me, learning the little things about a new born. Trying to learn what his different cries meant, changing every diaper and worrying about of hes pooping enough, bathing him and loving him, all while keeping up on the house and laundry (i don't know how people with multiple kids do it).

The emotional roller coaster a woman goes through after birth is SO intense. Feeling like you cant ask for help when it's needed because you feel like you should be BUILT for this and it should all magically fall into place as soon as your baby comes into the world. You should be able tk juggle, you should be able to change a diaper and bathe your baby and do a back flip into the kitchen and finish the dishes WHILE cooming dinner. And when you CANT ? Its the end of the world at least it was for me, the feeling if defeat because I am not a super mom when my son has only been home for 2 weeks.

The adjustement of having your time not be your own, the resentment of your partner because they get to interact with adults all day that can voice their problems and communicate normally. But also being thankful that you are able to stay home and raise your baby. You cant pick up and do whatever you want. I didnt leave my house to go grocery shopping with my baby because I was terrified of my son getting measles or just plain getting sick while hes so small and fragile. Everyone asked how my son was doing, he was doing great ! But im falling apart. I cant take a shower without rushing because in my mind I can hear him crying. No matter how many kids everyone has raised i did not trust them with mine, nothing against them but they just arent me.

My son is 10 months old now. He can crawl, amd get himself into standing with a little bit of help, he can give you kisses when you ask for them and he'll give you 3 in a row even when you just asked for one. He loves being tickled and he always wants to play with your phone. I LOVE HIM TO PIECES. Being a stay at home mom is NOT easy, my job is 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I dont get vacation time or sick days, the show much go on. Every bump, every feeding, every diaper change, everytime he needs someone, every time i leave he cries. He looks for his mama.

Who am I other than a mom ? I have no idea. What arr my interests ? What are my hobbies ? I don't gave any. Ive been trying for months to set up someone to watch my son so that my boyfriend and I can have a date, something always makes that impossible. Yet I'm the only one who is ever TRYING. I NEED to feel like a person outside of being a mom, i need to feel like a grown up and that Im still attractive, funny and have all the qualities i did before i had a baby. My boyfriend didnt want kids, ever. And i still feel like he doesnt want kids. Sometimes i feel like hes only here because he doesnt want to be "that guy". If he was with the right person he wouldnt have a problem trying to plan a might out with just me.

No matter how im feeling, no matter how hard it is I STILL get up every single day and do it. Sometimes i feel like quitting because I cant handle the fact that im a mother and housewife at 23. But then as soon as my son goes to bed i miss him, i know I could never be without him. The mom guilt is real and it is HARD.

Being a parent is HARD, being a stay at home parent is HARD, being a working parent is HARD.

This post is probably ALL over the place, but being able to get my feelings out there without bothering anyone else is the ultimate goal.

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self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. sometimes it’s crossing the street without looking both ways. sometimes it’s showering with the water a little too hot. sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing out. self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things so never assume what someone may be going through just bc they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

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The Truth.

What people dont tell you about motherhood is that it can come with a profound amount of sadness. In a world full of social media and everyone wanting to portray themselves in the best light possible cause people are so judgemental and opionated now a days. We dont see the real picture. We see pregnancy announcement, but we dont see the anxiety that comes with announcing cause maybe thats her rainbow baby. We see the maternity pictures but we dont see the girl thats struggling with her changing body and finding ways to love her new self. We see the just born pictures but we dont see the fear that comes with not knowing what to expect. we dont see the amount of pain a woman is still in cause they are pressing on her tummy every few hours. We see the coming home photos. But we dont realize that the dad drove 2 miles a hour just make it safe. We see the newborn photos but we dont see the shots where the baby cried for a hour, where they peed all over the dad. And we definitely glamourize the first few months. When you think of a newborn you think of a squishy little baby that eats and sleeps. You dont think of the fact that you will live off of broken sleep for however many months. You dont realize as a first time mom that you will be afraid to leave your baby long enough to shower but then feel like utter crap cause you havent showered. You have to learn to not be selfish. Sure maybe you were married but you didn’t put all your needs.. even basic needs above your husband. You now have someone who comes first always and forever. And while thats a “burden” taken gladly its still a adjustment. No one tells you how hard its going to be. They will say “wait til you have a baby, enjoy that sleep now”. But you just dont realize exactly what that means til your in the thick of it a week in going on 2hours of broken sleep a day and still have no time for yourself. No one tells you how lonely it will be. Even though you have added another person to your house its so lonely. That little squishy has you tethered to your home especially if its a winter baby. You think that you will finally fit in with your friends but they will be to busy for you and your needs. After all they have kids already. Your husband will be working most of the day, come home want to eat, play with squishy and want to sleep. Even though he didn’t get up with the babe all night he probaly heard him crying and still didn’t get a decent night of rest.

No one tells you just how emotionally taxing it can be. When you dont have kids and think about the thought of it. You think about the unconditional love. You dont realize the anxiety, stress, and self inflicted pressure that you will put yourself through. Emotionally you think that adding a baby will be nothing but joy and love to your life. But its kind of like picking traits in a game or skill points. If you start off with three like say social, confident, outgoing. You need to minus something to make room for the parenting trait if that makes sense. You cant have it all. Maybe eventually as the squishy gets older, motherhood begins to be in a groove and babe sleeps longer. But the first few months you wont even have the energy to be social or motivation to reach out to people. No one tells you how it has effected their marriage. Its not all lets look at this beautiful babe that we created together. Its placing blame on something that was no ones fault. Its critizing the other cause they aren’t doing it the “right way”. Its fighting cause you dont think one is doing enough to help. Or its fighting cause one is being overbearing or controlling. When in all reality the fights are fear. Fear of not knowing what your doing. The fights are a result of not enough sleep and everything is bound to upset you. The fights are two people trying to learn to live and be in love in a completely different way then what they pictured in their head. Ive never wanted to end my marriage as much as I did in the first year. Looking back now was most of what I was upset about completely justified, probably not. Was the lack of sleep and always feeling helpless clouding my feelings and attitude very much so. The first year your body still goes through changes. Hormonally things have to level back out. There will be crazy period patterns. Hair loss. Physicaly your body will be different point blank. Unless your a one in a million unicorn who poops out a baby and then looks like a model. But you will probably have weight you want to lose but who has time. When you do lose it your stomach will still be soft. Much softer then it ever was as your old “fat self”. Pregnancy weight gain then weight loss will most like give you some type of stretchmarks. Not even just on your tummy. Your hair will always have a coat of dry shampoo in it. And you will probably hate your body. You will think your husband hates your body. But does he hate your body.. not a chance in hell. If anything you have gave him the greatest gift he will ever recieve and to him that will just be sexy. Sexy will look different in your relationship. Sexy wont be lingerie and candle light dinners. Sexy will be a frozen pizza and you wearing his shirt in some yoga pants. What you thought of sexy when you would think of your husband will change also. Sexy will be him watching the baby so you can take a bath and wash your hair and shave your legs. Sexy will be him taking a night feed. Sexy will be him offering to change a stinky diaper. I know this probably sounds all negative and you probably think jeeze why even have a baby this sounds terrible. But let me tell you all the good and the love definitely out weighs anything I wrote here. And theres a light and once you get a routine and you get use to your new life and embrace it. Once you become confident in your parenting motherhood will be amazing. I wrote this not to scare people. I wrote this so moms who are pregnant, moms who have had kids, wives who want to have a baby they know that their feelings aren’t uncommon or that they are horrible cause they feel that way. Its okay if you didn’t enjoy motherhood at first cause you were overwhelmed and scared beyond belief with whats the right decisions. Its normal to feel these feelings. I remember my first few months home alone with my squishies i felt so isolated. I felt like I didnt know anything. I felt like everything I did was wrong. Every decision I made I second guessed later on. And most of all I felt judged. I felt like everyone was looking at me and just waiting for me to mess up so they can rub it in… I’ve had 3 kids.. do it this way. That’s so wrong. Instead of encouraging me. And saying in my experience this seems like a easier approach to the situation you should try it and see what you think. People are to opinionated now a days. They like to tell you whats  you did wrong but they dont want to take the time to show you a better way. They want to tell you that your mother this is expected of you. They dont like to think back to their first baby. I just want to let you know. You are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Things will get better.

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when your therapist says “you wanna know what I think?” and you know you’re about to be read for filth

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The sky does wonders | ( by Nolan Omura )

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tumblr in a nutshell

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tumblr in a nutshell