sandragon - Tumblr blog

[sandragon]

I forgot about this

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I drew this high as hell last night

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happy pride cat boys

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happy pride from two Latino bi boys!

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a possession

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quiet sunny mornings at my desk and an open sketchbook are my favorite mornings

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not a great photo, but made a little fox n white rabbit ink drawing for my supervisor this week

[sandragon]

to be the tranny token

I want to share an experience that I've had recently. Although I went to art school, I currently work in the medical field because it gave me the health insurance that I so desperately needed when I turned 26. I liked freelancing, but it didn't pay me a lot of money and I was jumping between three different jobs at a time, which left little energy to devote to the things that I actually cared about. I needed health insurance because I needed to pay for hormones and get the surgery that I've always wanted since I was 15 years old.

Working in the particular field that I'm in has been interesting. I like the people aspect of it, helping families, and learning about things so unfamiliar to me. But I'm the first transgender person that they've hired and they have no idea what to do with me.

I have been on HRT, particularly testosterone, for nearly two & a half years and had life saving top surgery in August of 2019. I never knew how much I needed to transition until I actually started doing it. Before I would never make connections and missed out on so many opportunities because I knew that they could never see me for who I am, and didn't want to ever try. I lied to myself and said that I could accept their judgement, even though deep down I knew that was a lie. Nowadays, I relish in my changing body, my flat chest, and the body hair that I was taught to be so afraid of. I limited my expression in the past because I was so afraid of being perceived of outside of the norm. Now because I am comfortable and confident, I have grown out my hair to the longest it's been since I was in high school, paint my nails whatever colors I'm feeling that day, and dress how I've always wanted, without limits. It's been incredibly freeing to finally get to this point and I will never look back. This freedom still comes with loaded perceptions and pain, still a kind of alienation but one very different than what I experienced before. Although I have changed my name, had all of these medical things done to me willingly, and assert myself as a man (just fruity), I'm still never regarded as who I say I am. In a space that touts inclusivity, my own colleagues cannot be bothered to use the correct pronouns, which makes for many clumsy situations that don't need to be there. It's as if they cannot wrap their head around my existence as a man who doesn't adhere to society's typical idea of masculinity and being very in love with a cisgender man who willingly claims me as his own. They handle me with kid gloves and disregard my appearance and words and still force me into the box of "woman." And honestly, it hurts. It's one thing when it comes from strangers, but it's another when it comes to people that I interact with on a daily basis. I decided to bring it up to my director today and see what I could do about this situation.

Now we're to have a meeting to discuss my experiences and see how we can discuss this with our staff. Although I'm glad that we're having this conversation, I hate that I have to have it in the first place. Although I may be "breaking norms" in their eyes, I really am just a man who cooks dinners, engages with things that he's passionate about, and falls asleep with his boyfriend and cat after watching YouTube videos at night. I live a fairly domestic life outside of a few things that others find interesting about my lifestyle (which I won't get into here) and I like it that way. I find my life to be regular, but to everyone else it's a constant point of fascination that I don't really understand. I hate that in every space that I'm in that I have to fight for my right to masculinity, that I have to pave the way, that I have to swallow every awful interaction that I have just so I don't get screamed at or have to coddle their cis feelings. I've had to be the token tranny for the past few years that educates the staff about how to respect me & people like me, even though I hate it. I'm handled as a confused woman who doesn't know what she's doing or a weird sense of unsureness that I don't see others having to go through. Although I am very patient and open about my experiences, I simply just want to not have to explain who the hell I am every time I leave my house. I just want to go to a coffee and enjoy an iced mocha while musing on paper. To be the token tranny is an experience of anger, hurt, and isolation, every day - once that I wish to be free from, but one that I'm not sure will go away as long as I'm alive.

[sandragon]

transition is freedom & loss

[sandragon]

skulls & starbucks

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2020 sapphic comic. classic knight/princess stuff.

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more 2020 drawings

who knew that being alone and unemployed for 3 months during the pandemic would make me so productive

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slain. more ink drawings from 2020

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reflections of 2023

it was a year full of the highest highs of my life and the lowest lows. I moved in with my beautiful partner, I got top surgery, I hit two years on testosterone, i was diagnosed with adhd and started medication, I settled into a new job. but so many of my passions got away from me as I tirelessly ran on the hamster wheel to keep myself afloat.

amidst world tragedies, laws being passed simply for the hating my body and my truth, transfags like me becoming face of public discourse, and fighting to keep myself and my partner afloat through economic crisis, i find myself being engulfed by an oceanic wave trying to sweep me away to the depths of despair.

i avoided social media because i felt so horrible seeing the cruelness of this world. the constant debates about how i'm not (and never will be) a real man, old flames that i abandoned due to fear of rejection, and the passion that i used to put into every facet of my being feeling foreign in my memories. i swallowed the hurt of every person calling me "she" despite my best efforts to assert myself and the surgery to "prove it." i held my partner through his depression trying to find a job in this cutthroat capitalistic country. i watched my mother whither and struggle with her chronic illness, her happiness and energy coming in and out of the light as her body fought itself. i felt my brother separate himself from me due to his desire for white acceptance and his tight grip on upholding his heterosexuality.

i revived this tumblr after a few years of silence seeking to regain my passion - to clean the wounds of the past year in hopes of healing again. it has soothed some of those pains, but i know that i must continuously push myself to assert myself in this world. my desire for visibility and disruption grows as i have grown older. i wish to pour my pain, my suffering, and my love into my work and words and watch it manifest in front of my eyes. i wish to be visible once again instead of shrinking in the face of tragedy. i will work hard to do better, to be better for my sake and to regain the humanity of my existence.

[sandragon]

today is my 2yr t-anniversary!!

Im really glad that I took the plunge even though I was unsure. I'm becoming the hot boy of my drean

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"ai is making it so everyone can make art" Everyone can make art dipshit it came free with your fucking humanity

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trying to solidify an inking/coloring style for some ideas I have…