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[sasquatchboobs]

[sasquatchboobs]

[sasquatchboobs]

Don't know how to get this into my partner's head. He said earlier in our relationship when he asked me "how do you feel our relationship is going?" he was asking for validation, NOT feedback. That every time I gave feedback on what we could improve on, he was left feeling hurt and like our relationship was on the rocks. Like I could never be satisfied with the effort he put in. I thought we were trying to communicate our needs back and forth; I was always open to his feedback and willing to change; I stated from the start that we should both be working on this relationship intentionally and prioritizing communication.

All he wanted to hear was "everything is great and there are no problems, you are the best partner" and me not saying that meant to him that I felt the opposite; that's when he'd bring out the "so I guess I'll never be able to do anything right and I'm such a horrible boyfriend!"

I've tried telling him: if I didn't think you were worth it, I wouldn't be having hard conversations with you. I bring up things that upset me because I don't think you know that you upset me, and I would like to reconcile and understand what's going on between us.

But every conversation that isn't just flat out praising him is often taken as an attack; he seems to have low self-worth, so instead of hearing my words he hears what he ASSUMES I feel deep down: "you never do anything right, nothing you do will ever be good enough, you're not even worth my time*

Will he ever hear feedback and think, "I'm so glad she told me, now I know how to be a better partner in the future?" Rather than thinking, "I do the dishes half the time and she STILL wants to criticize me? Guess I'll never be able to make her happy"

What's some advice you wish you received much earlier

"When people come to you to establish a boundary or a need or to express hurt feelings, that's a compliment, not an attack. That is them wanting to develop the relationship and trusting you to listen and care to do better. And no matter how sad you are about accidentally hurting them, it's a GOOD thing that they cared to have a hard conversation with you"

[sasquatchboobs]

🙏

[sasquatchboobs]

I think I always held out hope that he would grow up, find his passion or drive, or at least have goals of some sort. He seemed to when we met, at least.

I asked him about his future plans the other day, and he said "I have none. I used to have savings goals but that has never worked out," and I'm angry and sad at the same time. I'm angry because he promised me we would build a life together. I thought that meant growing together, accomplishing things we talked about in the early days. I feel like he's giving up on that.

I'm sad because we don't really dream out loud anymore about the future. Our future. It seems he's lost hope that there is anything more than this. Dirty apartment, always high, always tired, work sucks, let's watch a show and fall asleep on the couch. He brushes off my annoyances with the neighbors because he's resigned to never having a home.

Maybe he's depressed. He wouldn't respond to that last time I brought it up. He said he does not plan to get help for his porn addiction/cheating desires. He "already knows what they're going to say" cause he's such the expert on everything in his mind, there is nothing anyone else could help him with. That's why he doesn't share his feelings I think-- he doesn't think I can help nor does he expect me too.

Maybe that's why he seeks other women; he thinks his sexual frustration and insecurity are his problem, so he deals with them alone, "sparing me" (his words) from his actions. He doesn't believe he deserves my love so he doesn't even think to reach out for help, rather than hurt me; he's already accepted that he is a terrible person so why not prove that? Almost like he wants me to leave him just to prove him right, that he was never good enough for me. Is he going to try and sabotage this every time he feels insecure?

Does it even matter what he's done in the past, when what I have to consider now is whether he is the person I want to hitch my future to? I don't mean that the cheating doesn't matter, I mean that even if he hadn't betrayed me, would I still want to be with him?

I don't think so. I think my life could be so much more if his passive pessimism wasn't weighing me down all the time. I think I'd rather be alone to have the space to grow authentically into whoever I become. Because I feel like I have so much personal growth I'm finally ready for, and he doesn't want to change anything.

E.g. he says he wants to go to the gym, has been saying that for a loooooong time. Doesn't though. Says he needs to cut back on sugar or he'll die young of diabetes. Still makes sure to have at least a soda per day plus always stocked on candy. Says he needs to eat better, doesn't want to do my healthy meals and would rather get take out.

He has lots of "thoughts" but very few "ideas". I want to make the world better. I want to make lives better. I want to improve the environment. He... has no real ambitions like that. He did want to help people, before he became an EMT. I don't think he sees himself as having agency in the world because he never considers that he could change his circumstances.

At first I envied his "zen". But I realized he accepts things way too easily. Job sucks? Oh well, no use looking for another one (cause that will probably suck too), better just accept that this is life now, and I'll always be tired with a sore back and feet. Shrug, nothing to be done about it anyway. Can't save up money for a vacation? Oh well, guess we just can't afford to take trips, that's our life now.

He seems to see my stubborn optimism as naive or silly. But I've learned that being downtrodden and pessimistic will not improve your circumstances. You must fight for what you want your life to be, even if others think you're delusional for it.

I will continue to buy books about natural energy-efficient home building, even if he doesn't believe we'll ever own a home in our lifetime. Because this is my future, damnit, and I won't let him sell it short.

I think we're much more different than I originally thought.

[sasquatchboobs]

Regretfully, we did not break up for good last time. I let him convince me that he was just using Onlyfans as porn. I was also in a really vulnerable mental spot being burnout, and he comforted me, and promised to go back to non-interactive porn.

Stupid.

We went back to normal; His birthday is next week, so his sister texted me and we arranged a larger group gift of a $200 massage gift card. I went into his email on his computer to find his login for the massage place's site so I could book him an appt with a discount.

I got this terrible feeling and snooped in his internet history again. Yep, looking up someone on Onlyfans two days ago. Someone from our city, it seemed... I went into his account and really looked through the messages this time. He said to one girl "I'm sad, I thought you lived in (our city). I want to take you out sometime."

Another one, "hey I found you on (city) poly subreddit. You're so beautiful, where in (city) do you live?"

So I texted him while he's at work. I asked him if he told me everything about the Onlyfans thing. He said yeah. I said you haven't been back on there? He said no. I asked, it was all just for watching, no intentions of meeting up with anyone, right? He said no. I sent him the screenshots of those messages he sent. Said why should I believe anything you say? He didn't respond.

He came home, asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him he broke my trust irrevocably. He humiliated me for the last time, and I regret forgiving him the first time thinking he'd love me enough to change, like he swore. There's nothing that can be said to repair what's been broken. I am done.

I asked if he had anything to say, he said no. Got his keys and left.

I don't know what happens now. I can't afford this apartment alone. I can't afford to move either. I don't even have a job. What have I done.

[sasquatchboobs]

I wish I could do something fun, but everyday from now until June 12th I have So Many Obligations that I don't think I'll be able to complete everything, even if I take no breaks and eliminate all forms of relaxing.

It just feels like punishment at this point. Like I know people have always told me adulthood is just a never ending list of Obligations where you must simply let go of the things you Want to be doing, and face that your life is now dedicated to things you Must Do. But I'm almost 30 and I can't accept it, it's just not fair.

I get 0 dopamine from completing tasks. I have no time to engage in things that do give me dopamine. I am losing my grip but there is no end, no relief in sight. As soon as I'm done with school I will start a job that will most likely require 50 hours or more per week. I haven't taken a vacation in.... 5 years at this point? And I don't know how many years it will be until I can take one.

I want to make a difference in the world with my career, I guess I was under the assumption that I would also get to do things I like to do in addition to that. But life is passing by so fast, I don't even have any significant memories from the past few years because I haven't really done anything or gone anywhere. I get frustrated that life is happening, I'm living it, and yet my experience is work, study, chores and errands, sleep, repeat. I'm sick of it. Yes working full time and going to school full time is really hard, but even when I just worked full time it felt the same.

I feel like I'm always behind, there's always mountains more work to do, so I feel guilty resting because I know I am procrastinating all the things I Should Be Doing. I've never been able to "get ahead and give yourself a little break".

And I get even more frustrated that other people seem genuinely content with the same lifestyle I hate: having no hobbies, not having money or time to travel, not having time to spend with friends regularly.

I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. But I know that's not an option, so I must force myself to continue, growing more bitter each day, unable to even recognize when I've accomplished something because all I can see is all the work I still have to do before I can truly relax. And I don't know if that time will ever come, or if I'm stuck on this wheel now.

[sasquatchboobs]

Well, it happened. A small plea for help and support by me went unanswered, I decided not to let it go, it snowballed into a fight, he stormed out, I had a bad familiar feeling so I looked through his Internet history.

Not sure if he's cheated in person again, but he sure has paid for Onlyfans. Funny how we haven't had money to spend a washing machine, maybe cause he keeps paying $50 for pussy pics while turning my offers for sex down.

Funny how when he feels guilty about hurting me, he reacts by being more callous and mean. At least I spotted it this time?

I sent a barrage of "fuck you it's over" texts and he hasn't responded. I've been crying but I also feel relief; I've been at the end of my rope for a while now, thinking reconciliation was possible but unlikely. Now I don't want to fucking reconcile.

Can you believe he told me that I was the problem for being suspicious of his behavior? Can't believe I've spent 8 years with this manipulative clown...

[sasquatchboobs]

Honestly today was a really good day; I usually forget to write down when I'm feeling good but I think it's important to note.

I felt good about going to work, had multiple people bring me beverages (makes me feel so special 👸) got all my prep work done at an easy pace, and got to see my friends after work and play DnD! We drank, smoked, talked, ate pizza, and had a ton of fun.

Not everything is going right in my life but I'm grateful for these days that make you say "oh wow laughing with friends is really what it's all about. Oh damn, people really do like me and think I'm smart and funny." I forget these things sometimes.

[sasquatchboobs]

Been struggling lately, we've been together 7 years, I want to reconnect and fall back in love but he is too tired to put any more effort into our relationship. Kinda feel stuck in this valley. Somehow this man always speaks to my struggles, giving me a lot to think about...

I love him so much, his mindset !!

[sasquatchboobs]

[sasquatchboobs]

I feel disconnected from him. I feel like after all these years, he still doesn't really know or understand me, but he thinks he does, which is worse. He doesn't "get" or even seem to remember that I have anxiety, so when I bring it up he questions me about it instead of supporting me. "Why are you anxious? What is there to be anxious about? You realize this is no big deal, right? There's no rational reason to feel this way." So I don't bring it up, because the interrogation is even more anxiety-inducing so instead I suffer in silence, wishing I could reach out and receive support.

I wish I could reach out just to say that I'm sad and lonely and want to connect more, but I don't see a way for it to not turn into a fight. Even if I say nothing about our relationship he will still take my feelings very personally. If I say I'm lonely, he'll say "it's so insulting to me that you don't even care about everything I do for you. All you ever want is more, more, more, and nothing I do is ever enough to satisfy you or make you happy. Guess I'm the worst boyfriend ever!" Like, I've heard this multiple times before. I'm a monster for needing more, for asking for more. It means I'm ungrateful, it means I'm selfish.

I just feel like I've poured my entire self into this relationship for so long, hoping that my love will nurture him enough to be able to provide the same kind of love back. But so often my pleas for affection and attention go ignored. He's too tired (he says that everyday) to engage meaningfully. I wonder if there will be a day when he isn't tired, because I haven't seen one in the last 8 years. It's always his excuse. He can't have this conversation right now because he didn't sleep well. He can't talk about our relationship after a day of work. He doesn't want to ruin his precious day off with a big serious talk. So when is an appropriate time for consideration of my feelings?

Maybe I'll post that one reddit post I made here for posterity. It's about when he decided to cut me off from "his" weed because I was smoking too much according to him, and "taking all of the joy out of smoking" for him. He doesn't want to share weed, increasingly he doesn't want to share food or TV shows or time off together or even share how much money he made last year when he was talking about his taxes. I really have to wonder, does he want to marry me? Because he doesn't want to share much at all with me.

He says cleaning things is how to show love for him. But then why doesn't he even notice when I cleaned and organized the bathroom? He doesn't even attempt to keep anything I clean in nice neat order, he pretty much immediately fucks it up. He's allergic to putting anything back in its place, even when I ask nicely. He just won't. The only thing he is precious about cleaning are his smoking pieces. Those have to be cleaned everyday. Everything else that I've bought? Nah. I think he just wants his doing the dishes to count as "showing love" to me when the dishes have to get done regardless.

I have even been hesitant to buy myself nice, higher quality things to use around the house because I immediately think, "it's hand wash only, will partner remember not to put it in the dishwasher?" "Will this immediately get destroyed when partner thinks to use it in a *creative* way outside of its intended use?" If I were in an adult relationship, I could buy the thing and have a conversation with my partner. But I know it wouldn't go well, because I've tried that before. And he just seems to have a base level of respect for stuff that he buys that is not there AT ALL when it comes to things I buy. And guess who has bought most of the objects around our house? Yup, me.

I keep envisioning the life I really want, and I want him to fit in it, but I'm realizing how many changes that would require. I'm starting to realize that I'm envisioning a life that he isn't. Because for him, I think the life and relationship we have is... Good enough. And I think that's kind of sad.

What's even more sad is I think there are conversations we could have that could make our relationship better, make us closer. But I don't know how to have those conversations, because serious conversations always lead to a fight, and rarely to him taking responsibility and saying "sorry, I need to change". Usually it's just me, apologizing for bringing up a difficult conversation at all. Then I retreat into myself again, knowing there is little point to reaching out.

[sasquatchboobs]

[sasquatchboobs]

I'm still thinking about the last few lines of my previous entry. It's true. Bringing up anything negative with my partner results in a fight. Maybe he'll apologize in a day or two but I usually end up apologizing for bringing my grievance to him. For being irrational, for causing problems "where there are none" which really means he thinks he gets to decide what has hurt me or is a problem for me. Because accepting he has hurt me? He has rarely ever admitted to that.

It doesn't even matter if the grievance is his fault or not. But at this point, there are too many things to bring up. To pick a fight about. Sometimes our relationship just feels too far gone; I've spent too many years swallowing my anger and putting on a mask to keep the peace. Of trying to communicate, him not understanding me at all, and me just retreating again, because when has anyone ever understood?

The harder I try, the more tension there is, the weaker and more tenuous our connection becomes. The masking keeps him happy and content. If I tell him I have been unhappy, he will be mad at me for not telling him sooner. But I have. I've tried, so so many times, but his anger, which can last for days, puts me into a perma-state of anxiety until he decides he's done being angry. And then, if he does apologize to me, I don't feel any better, and I don't usually see a sustained change in his behavior. I feel like I have changed whenever he brought anything up that bothered him.

So here I am, wanting desperately to make this relationship work in an open and authentic way, but I don't know if there is a combination of words to convey that without starting a fight that never truly gets resolved. What words do I say, because when I speak on an emotionally charged topic he hears implications I never meant, takes the maximum level of offense, and perceives me and my words in the worst possible light. Even tells me I said awful things I would never say to anyone, when I had my words written down and rehearsed.

There is not a state of being I can approach him in or words I can say to make him understand me. But what if this is the best love I can get? What if he was right, and I'm the problem?

[sasquatchboobs]

Wordy by aavfvl

[sasquatchboobs]

I think because my parents were generally emotionally unsupportive, I end up accepting that same treatment from my partner. I'm not sure he'll ever stop getting annoyed at me when I am in a non-good mood. Like he takes offense that I am angry or sad or stressed. Instead of trying to help or talk he distances himself.

He should know me better by now, it's been 7 years together. He should know that I am immensely stressed by travel (especially plane travel to see family) but instead of trying to assuage my anxiety he just says "stop raising your voice. There is literally no reason to be stressed, everything will be fine" as if I'm not the one that always plans to make sure things are fine.

And he doesn't understand when I tell him that "explaining my anxiety away" is not helpful at all. He just says "you're not being very nice to me" aka my tone wasn't nice and sweet when telling him to measure his bag to make sure he won't have to pay extra at the airport. Because we leave in the morning and he hasn't even taken the bag out of storage yet, let alone started packing. I have work today and just want to make sure everything's ready before we leave. But he's TOO chill. Like, he didn't realize that we would need to get someone to feed the cat and fish while we're gone. Just leaves all the planning and decision making up to me, while I have work and he is off for 2 weeks. Then has the audacity to get MAD at me for being STRESSED? WHY DON'T YOU HELP!

I want a partner who understands that when I am talking loudly about all the things I am worried about, I need support, not criticism, not gaslighting that "there is no logical reason to be stressed" because in his mind there is no logical reason to be stressed, just, don't be? I want someone who I can actually go to when I'm not in a good or healthy place, and know that it won't start a fight if I'm venting about being sad or stressed. Who will actually do material things to reduce my stress, like helping to plan our trip and pack, or clean before we leave, not someone who leaves the planning up to me then gets mad when said planning stresses me out.

I mean I literally attempted a "cry for help" to him when I was feeling really low and hopeless and you know what? He got mad at me. Told me I was "acting crazy" (!!!) And that he wouldn't talk to me until I was rational again. When I needed him most, I was deeply and hurtfully rejected.

And it reminded me of being 9 or 10, with undiagnosed anxiety, scared and just wanting to feel better, and my mom sat me down and said something along the lines of: "I just can't do this anymore. I've taken you to so many doctors, no one knows what's wrong with you. So I need you to stop this, because it's too hard, I don't know what to do with you, but I can't handle this" and then I knew. No one else in this world is going to be able to care for me the way I needed, it was up to me. So in my mom's eyes, I stopped having anxiety, when in reality I just hid it from her and lied to make her feel better. This kinda feels similar. I know I can't reveal all of myself or show all of my feelings to my partner because it's Too Much. He only likes me when I'm happy.

[sasquatchboobs]

It's tough when you want to have sex with your partner but they just keep annoying you at every turn instead.

Like I said I was going to get more cat food later today and he tries to argue with me about it? Like straight up saying "no, you're not getting more cat food, there's still a can she can eat in the cupboard. You don't need to go out" and boy howdy I don't know how he hasn't figured out that he does NOT tell me what to do.

And I know he resents me every time it's been more than a few days since we've had sex, but it's like damn, can you try being nice for a bit maybe? I want to but every time we talk you keep pissing me off over the most inane things possible. Hard to get close and cuddly like that.