savingnightfall

[savingnightfall]

Aesthetics, while making things accessible to a larger audience, it dumbs through media and trends larger subcultures these aesthetics reach from. Unlikely it is for ppl to credit said subcultures or movements that these types of things derive from, and it’s not like you have to know everything about everything but with fast fashion it feels even more unauthentic and unappealing. From cottagecore to coquette it has been repeated and washed down to mere trends and top Pinterest posts. Even thrifting has just become a commodity - first from changing thrifted clothes and selling it to basic resellers grabbing something and selling it for a high price. All the while the consequences come down to the less fortunate as thrift stores ( Like Goodwill 😐) having to drive up their prices. (Not like they weren’t already greedy with their practices). Don’t get me wrong I’m not gonna sit here and say I’m doing the work of buying new and from small businesses. I’m broke. I indulge in fast fashion, I indulge in aesthetics. I think it become unauthentic when you just use it as a trend for the quo rather than a good way of finding a good style. And the basic knowledge of what you’re wearing and where it comes from I guess just depends of the interest of the individual of learning. I’m not gonna nitpick on the individual. I’m nitpicking these companies for continuing this tradition of waste. Oooooohhhhh capitalism. Our mortal enemyyyyyyyy. Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh

But what am I, a post with no tags

[savingnightfall]

I’m rlly tired of the infantilization the “I’m just a girl🎀💕” bit is doing. It was funny at first because it was simple but not only were some ppl gradually using it to avoid accountability but also it infantilizes them. I know it can talk to the way a lot of women have this connection to their inner child or feel like a child in an older body, but that’s just what comes with experiencing new things. you can still be connected to these childlike wonders in a healthy way, but the maturity comes with knowing when to quit. Although, I can also realize it is a mixed bag of young adults and teenagers indulging in it, so I guess it’s only natural to want to stay in that time.

[savingnightfall]

The last thing I need is another man’s opinion of me. But I’m sick and tired of constantly hearing it. I’m almost tempted to think I must’ve been a real bitch in my past life. A true asshole. Disappointment after disappointment. I guess I’m the problem. Either way here’s to 20 fucking years of being the biggest problem in everyone’s life, and never hearing the end of it!🥂💫😘

…🧎🏽‍♀️…

[savingnightfall]

Friend Troubled

i currently have no close friends. i don't want to be dramatic and say i have none because i have one online friend and about 2 that may hit me up every couple months or annually. but everyone is very far and i haven't been close enough to actually be vulnerable in any way. part of it is distrust that stems from a 7-year friendship going down the drain over them getting with my ex, that also led me to drop the whole friend group since no one wanted to mention that little detail. to me i felt betrayed and hurt. everyone made it out to be some small drama and that i was completely overreacting, or otherwise thought it wasn't their business to say anything and not care. it was abrupt and quick and i have had no closure since. from the first relationship nor the friendships I've lost. it is a wound that is red but it's better than what it was as you can tell since my rage post lol. i miss having friends though. people i can be vulnerable with. people i can either meet irl and chill or even a penal. I'm desperate.

the other part though is that I'm different. I've changed due to trauma and situations. i take myself too seriously, i liked the kinds of friends i had because they would even it out and i could be crazy and stupid or they'd compliment it by being the chill counterpart that can bring the fun. ik how hard it can be though to find friends in your adult life, so ik I'm not alone. but my anger has been replaced with a heavy loneliness. the friends i had proved to be bad ones and i cannot change that. I'm probably a running joke. or I'm not even on their minds. i want that kind of bond again tho. i just miss having friends.

i want closure. but i need connection. i need to move on.

[savingnightfall]

Losing Control

i think one of the most exhausting things about living with a parental narcissist is that all the consequences of my actions fall on my partner instead of me. because he'd rather talk to his son than his fly on the wall girlfriend. i won't lie it's gotten between us which is exactly what his dad intends to do. he hates me mostly because i disrupt the control he has over his son. i come in from a different life and call out bullshit and validate my bfs feelings, and he hates it. he is losing control. in the end though, its ultimately done the exact opposite of what he wanted. we've come out stronger in our relationship. we communicate and realize that we act the way we do sometimes because we are under his hand. but when he's gone and were alone and get to love freely and live normally, we realize he's the reason for the tension. it's not our differences and it's not the relationship. it's the environment. this love is stronger than his dads hate and i won't let it take away my happiness and fulfillment in this relationship.

[savingnightfall]

Dealing with crazy bf's dad

lately between me and my partners relationship and life our biggest hater and challenge has been his dad. typically, i only really hear of SO mothers hating their sons' daughters but it's the opposite case here. i want to post here because it's not something they would easily find as we currently lease under his house at the moment. it's stated that he can void it at any moment for any reason, which brings me a lot of anxiety. but i want advice on how to deal with this sort of stress that otherwise could be dealt with if we were talking about someone who had the usual amount of ego and accountability.

unfortunately, we are dealing with someone i can't describe otherwise other than a narcissist. i really don't like using that word lightly because it's a heavy word, but with everything that I've seen and heard i have to agree with my partner. I've made a list of different things that he has claimed i have done. i want to go through some of them but first i want to explain some context.

I've been living with my bf for a year and some mo., and we've been together for nearly 2 years now. during this time his father has recently went through a divorce and we had to move another state. there were a couple of things promised that fell through that i can explain in another post, but due to the price we decided to continue staying with him so we can save more money and have more time to look for places. everything was going really fast. I've tried being nice and understanding his multitudes of reasons he could be acting harshly, but his claims are baseless and I'm tired of hearing them through my partners mouth instead of directly to me. I've tried having conversation with him, but its tense and we don't have a lot in common, i don't mind that sometimes it is what it is, but the constant disrespect and reluctance to speak to me is what tires me out. here are some of said baseless claims that he's said to other people instead of me:

starting small and inconvenient

steal his water bottles from the fridge

ruin the washer on purpose to destroy it and the household with it

imply he cannot buy anything. i sent a message asking that i noticed someone using my coffee machine, which is fine, but i asked for them to use a coffee filter so there's less of a mess. he bought a bigger coffee machine. the exact same.

semi-serious

not buy anything for the household and claims i use my boyfriend for his money and i take advantage of him. i buy literally so much it's not even funny. I've made decent improvements on my spaces i have access to and i make meals for my bf, his brother and I. i don't eat his food and when i do i suggest buying the next (mostly chicken). i don't even know what to say to this.

we were promised a basement, and we got a room. no previous disclosure it was the same day that we saw the new house. we asked for at least another space, either public or private to use. offered to spend more money for it but was declined. his brother wanted to make into a public chill-out space because its being used as storage space but was told that he shouldn't let us take advantage of him so we can steal the room. steal the room. might as well steal the moon too while we're at it.

hes called olur jobs personally to see if me and my bf were lying about the day that we quit. they told him its been a couple months, as it has. my bf thinks hes bluffing but its not out of character for him so i believe it. pretty stupid but the action is crazy to me.

serious claims

thankfully right now its down to one, he hasnt said it to me which makes me think it was just another thing to blame on me, and he realizes its baseless, but hes half said/joked that before he went on a weekend trip with his gf i tried getting into his bank account. he apparently got a notif taht there was an attempt on his account and one of his first thoughts were me.

so, with all of this not only does he not communicate with me, and continue to make these claims, he doesn't expect me to know either. he has said most of this stuff (and more nasty stuff about me) to either my bf or his brother, but he doesn't know i know. this is our last lease with him and its only 2 months, but since I'm not able to properly defend myself to him, i want to know if anyone's dealt with something like this and any good tips on either getting out or making it easier for the rest of the time we have. I'm grateful to have my bf to stand up for me, but he's equally exhausted because of all the mental and emotional abuse from him. everyone just wants to be away from everyone. it's expected we most likely will cut off contact when we move out. sorry for the long post, thank you if you made it this far and thank you for any input you can give.

[savingnightfall]

Saving Nightfall? More like saving this stupid account lol

this account started as something i intended to vent on and basically rage on, and while i may cringe at my former posts, it's how i felt. I can't change what happened and what it made me feel at the time.

but right now? things have changed completely, while i may occasionally vent here and there still, i intend to use this account more for actually putting myself out there. I've tried Amino, Reddit, Insta, Threads and TikTok before i just decided to use this platform ultimately for what i want to do. the communities on here have both helped and hurt me. just like any other. but this place has given me somewhere to look at other creatives and be inspired to actually post my thoughts. i also want to get away from meta lol.

Anyway, as I've said before my name is V, i actually have interests like journaling (if that wasn't obvious), drawing, playing animal crossing rarely and reading. currently rewatching Soul Eater and looking forward to seeing Childish Gambino Live soon!

[savingnightfall]

I so terribly wish I could receive something for my efforts. I've lost my friends- now reduced to the idea of meeting together, even without the main link that connected us to begin with. And yet still I give my heart to them. They'll be in my thoughts even while idly shopping- "maybe they'll like this" " oo this'll be the perfect gift for them next week"- and yet when we meet it is only the gifts keeping us together. I put to much effort over and over again hoping maybe they'll think of me too. Maybe they'll think of me the way I do them. Maybe they'll pick a day to just hang together even if it's in silence. I miss the intimacy of knowing someone. My gifts now are guesses. I feel so far from where I've fallen- the people I know will never understand what I've went through. It's a bitter feeling. I don't want them to know- but there's a distance between them and I because of it. I give and give and give. It's all I ever try to do. I can never have anything against them either, I'm not close enough to feel that.

My trust has broken and I'm left with a distance I can't let myself cross anymore. and it'll never be known to them. They will carry on- I'm simply a passing though, never there to linger too long. I wish things could be different but I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I wish I could live a lie but eventually everything spills- I've grown very accustomed to rage meeting me at night. Before sleep can take me, anger caresses my skin and holds me tight. It's my comfort now because it's all I have. Anger. At everything lost. And then it sings me to sleep- to wake up again giving once more. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I'll give u everything. My handicrafts. My love. My work. My heart. My flesh. Me. So possessively I'll give myself to you. And i get just a polite thanks and a promise yet to be fulfilled. Pity.

A shame the things I've given that I can't get back.

[savingnightfall]

ofc i come to the place where i learned how to self harm properly. completely glamorized it only for me to deal w the aftermath of my addiction to blood on my skin. ah well guess this’ll be a good ol vent account for art or when i j feel like tearing sum apart. maybe when i don’t care when i get in that mood and i j wanna dig this hole and lay in it for a little while. okie okie i’m done being all dramatic and shi... welcome to savingnightfall call me V ;)