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i sometimes forget i have a physical body in physical space that other people can perceive and i'm not just a floating pair of eyeballs and hands

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my executive function model

I've heard the term "executive dysfunction" thrown quite a lot online, but I couldn't really pinpoint what exactly it means. I decided I first need to understand what executive function is first in order to make sense of it.

After some research (not a lot so take it with a big grain of salt) and self-reflection I developed an executive function model to better understand where I struggle and where I excel.

I identified 8 executive functions, split into primary and secondary, and defined how they interact with each other.

I created a diagram that illustrates and summarizes this model, kind of a tldr. The information from the diagram is described in the text in this post though. At the end of the post is an example of how this model applies to me specificaly.

core executive functions

Those I kept the same as in the research I did, as they seem to be more widely agreed upon.

Inhibitory control - suppressing inappropriate behavior, resisting distractions and urges, emotional control

Working memory - holding, recalling, and manipulating information, mental juggling

Cognitive flexibility - switching tasks, shifting attention, tolerating change, letting go of stuck thoughts

secondary executive functions

Those are more adjusted to fit my personal experience, and are in the sequence it which I personaly engage in activities.

Strategic analysis - understanding the problem, reasoning, generating solutions, predicting outcomes; you need to analyze the problem and generate what can be done about it

Decision-making - balancing risk, reward, and long-term outcomes, deciding on course of action; you need to then compare and decide on one of the courses of action from the generated ones

Planning and organization - planning, organizing, breaking tasks into steps, time estimation, prioritizing; once you know what you want to do, you have to plan the actual actionable steps of it, place when you will do them, in what sequence

Action initiation - getting started on tasks, overcoming inertia, avoiding procrastination; you actually need to follow through the plan, go and do the thing you planned

Self-monitoring - monitoring progress, noticing when you're off-task or overwhelmed, error detection, adjusting behavior, self-assessment; once doing the thing, you need to monitor yourself on how you're doing on the task but also notice if something else hasn't become more important

how they interact

The primary executive functions support the secondary, they are like building blocks of them:

1. Inhibitory control

Strategic analysis: prevents rushing to conclusions; allows pause and reflection before jumping to solutions

Decision-making: suppresses impulsive or emotionally-driven choices; supports delay of gratification

Planning and organization: helps avoid distractions when building plans and ignore irrelevant details

Action initiation: inhibits avoidance behaviors or urges to delay ("I’ll do it later")

Self-monitoring: suppresses defensive reactions to noticing errors; allows recalibration

2. Working memory

Strategic analysis: holds problem details, relevant knowledge, and potential solutions in mental space

Decision-making: maintains multiple options, their pros/cons, and predicted outcomes to compare

Planning and organization: tracks task steps, sequences, and dependencies during mental planning.

Action initiation: remembers what the task is and how to begin — even after delays or distractions

Self-monitoring: holds the original goal or plan in mind while checking current performance against it.

3. Cognitive flexibility

Strategic analysis: allows consideration of alternative problem framings or novel solutions

Decision-making: enables reevaluation of options and openness to changing course

Planning and organization: helps adjust plans dynamically if priorities shift or obstacles arise

Action initiation: Supports shifting mental state from rest to task-engaged mode

Self-monitoring: helps switch strategies mid-task, revise expectations, or tolerate outcomes that don’t go as expected

my personal application

Firstly, out of the three core executive functions my weakest one is working memory. I am quite good at the other two though.

Going off that profile of my primary executive functions, I perform as below in the secondary executive functions:

Strategic analysis - I excel at it. My high cognitive flexibility allows me to see a lot of options, and inhibition allows me to focus on analysing a problem for a long time. I compensate for my low working memory by writing things down, visualizing them etc.

Decision-making - I am rather bad at it. After I analyse the problem to its smallest components and generate lots of ideas in the first step, there are a lot of details to keep in mind when comparing them, and this is where my poor working memory struggles. I also have problems with confidence in my decisions, since I can so clearly see so many options possible and their consequences after my analysis.

Planning and organization - another area I am good at, because I can write things down or draw them out thus compensating for my bad working memory. Inhibition allows me to be realistic with my plan, and cognitive flexibility allows me to adapt it to the actual needs.

Action initiation - a real bottleneck in my process. At this stage I usually have so many details I can be easily overwhelmend with my poor working memory. Also it involves deciding to do the thing, and we already know I struggle with decisions. My high inhibition may also cause a lot of hesitation here.

Self-monitoring - I am moderately good at it. I can struggle with keeping the original goal of the task in mind because of poor working memory, but can manage if it's cleary defined and written down. High congnitive flexibility allows me to adjust my actions according to the performance, and inhibition allows me to avoid distractions and reflect without becoming emotional.

As you can see from this picture, I clearly can benefit the most from using various visual aids and allowing myself to "think on paper" rather than forcing myself to hold everything in my brain. I just seem to have small RAM, but my processor is quite strong.

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my late autism diagnosis has not been a positive experience

I have the impession that over here on our beloved world wide web, a late autism diagnosis is often portrayed as this revolutioary relief and explantion for all life experience. Like a positive thing in general.

This is not my experience at all.

The first difference is probably that I didn't seek out the diagnosis on my own accord. In fact, I have considered autism back when I was a teenager, but I did my research and decided against it. The topic resurfaced only recently, mentioned by my psychiatrist. I didn't bring up any of the struggles usually associated with autism, so I have no idea why she thought of it. Nonetheless she did, and then I sought out a formal, comprehensive diagnosis with the intention to rule it out. But - it didn't go as I expected.

So, I am autistic apparently, but I don't relate to much of the autistic experience I see represented online, even (or especially) the "atypical, late-diagnosed" presentations.

I don't remember much from my childhood, or my life at that, so it doesn't provide clarity in terms of my life story. If anything, it only brings up more pain, this being just another way in which my parents neglected me (they saw the signs, my mom even thought I might be autistic at one point but decided against getting me assessed).

It doesn't feel like it explains the way that I struggle now either. It doesn't explain the dpdr, doesn't explain the severe depressive episodes, doesn't explain chronic suicidality and anhedonia. And the struggles most autistic people face don't apply to me.

It doesn't seem like there are any actionable steps going forward. I can't seem to find any real, targeted resources at autistic adults where I live.

I guess what I am trying to say is I don't think this was worth it.

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managed to make chatgpt tell me to kill myself

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what's up with me now?

I've done some (a lot) self reflection after my recent diagnosis. I've tried to make sense of my mental health history, and to put in in somewhat coherent narrative. So far, I landed on this layered model:

It feels like it aligns with my experience pretty well going in both directions. Each layer is building on top of the previous one, amplifying the previous symptoms and adding new ones. And, healing is happening in the opposite directrion, stripping down the top layer first and so on.

I first started getting psychiatric attention only once I developed the major depressive episodes, because they were so obvious and violent, and those were addressed quickly and successfuly with medication. However, medication only gets rid of this top layer, leaving me with the rest of it. And for the last few years, I was basically cycling between adding and stripping just this one layer, going in and out of depressive episodes, but still dealing with the rest in between them.

This whole time, because once my major depression was treated and I was still dealing with the remaining symptoms, I thought the previous layers were permanent and just who I was. This is where the PD diagnosis I received came in - since I still have all this going on even though I am not actively depressed, it must be my personality.

Only this year I started to see that they are strippable as well. The past few months I think for the first time since they developed I started to chip away at the next two layers. It's still very new to me, to see that I can live without all this extra burdens I thought I was cursed to carry.

I'm not sure how to end this, probably because my thoughts are not yet fully gathered but... I just wanted to say that I've been in so much pain my whole entire life, and maybe I don't have to be after all.

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Life update, I was diagnosed with autism.

Actually, I was first diagnosed months ago by my regular psychiatrist, but I didn't believe her so I went and paid for a full autism assesment with the intention of ruling it out but well.

Now I have to think about whether this cancels out any of the PD diagnosis I got in the past. Some would immediately jump to this conclusion - but for me it's not so clear. Since psychiatric diagnosis are behavioural, if I fit both, don't I... have both? It's all made up. And I still identify/align more with the PDs than the autism honestly.

I am not sure. I still have one visit of the diagnostic process left where I can ask questions, so will ask about it.

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I've been doing really well actually these past few months. Stuff is going well in my life, I'm feeling lighter and things are just so easy to do.

I've been trying to figure out what's up with me for a long time now. As you may know from the contents and description of this blog, the leading theory was/is personality disorders.

While I am not denying this (yet?), I realised that it's the "simple" depression that is in fact the most disabling and life wrecking disorder in my life.

My childhood friend told me it was visible even when we were kids that I was just sad and suffering. I've been depressed pretty much my whole life then.

I think taking all into consideration, the therapist I saw last year and whose evaluation of me was double depression (persistent depressive disorder + episodic major depressive disorder) was probably the most on point.

Only now, that I'm doing well, am I realising how limited and hard my life felt before. Only now do I realise it's possible to be, to live differently, and for life to feel liveable and not like a constant battle against everything and myself.

The depression is just so bad man. It's so bad. I can't even begin to describe its effects on my experience. It's been so intervoven and truly devastating. I still can't believe I can live normally and without it since it's been so constant.

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Watching something about a very cool person who is diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive spectrum disorder that drives an obsessive interest in playing video games in a very specific way. He's not autistic, not diagnosed not does he suspect himself that he's autistic, but frustratingly it seems that people popularly headcanon that diagnosis onto him. It's frustrating because obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders can also give you something very similar to 'special interests' but they have their own spin on them that this guy very clearly has. Clear to me because I'm also diagnosed with one of these disorders (ocpd, myself) and enjoy things in a very similar way that is both very specific and probably seems bizarre to an outside person.

I'm also tired of people assuming that because I'm neurodivergent and obsessive about interests that I must be autistic because it's not helpful for me to be categorized in a way that means my needs that are unique to having an OCSD won't be acknowledged or met.

I think it's great that there's more awareness around autism and that autistic people are advocating for themselves, but it also sucks to have lesser known or talked about neurodivergences lumped in with autism and adhd in a really unhelpful way.

Honestly I feel similarly about saying I have IBD and people assuming it's the same thing as IBS. They're both serious conditions but have completely different causes and, more importantly, treatments and triggers. Even if they cause some of the same symptoms, I couldn't possibly benefit from some of the things that could help someone with IBS.

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the thing about being alone is that it’s so peaceful and freeing and cool apart from the evenings you descend into literal hell

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living with chronic suicidal ideation really is like treading water in an ocean. some days it's storming and waves tower over you and crash down on you and its so hard to stay afloat or breathe, and you dont know if you can make it through the next minute let alone the next day.

and then some days the water is calm. the sun is nice and warm and theres a cool breeze. treading the water seems so easy compared to when it was storming. but you're still treading water. and you still can't stop because otherwise you'll sink. you can still see the abyss below your feet. its easier but there are never any breaks

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only include stuff you’ve been professionally diagnosed with

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i lie to the doctors, they lie on my paperwork. truly we deserve each other

I love lying to the doctors

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I literally feel dead in a living body

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I'm not sure if this is the avpd or something else, but. the past few years I've lost a lot of, I'm not sure the proper term, but cognitive function? Unless I'm having a Good Day, thinking is really hard. Talking is really hard. Often I will sit and try and think of something to say, to write, to start a conversation or add to one or just Engage, and I cant. I cant create anything to start it that way. Its so isolating, all my attempts fail

I know its because of Really Bad Mental Health, the rotting, and dealing with long covid and brain fog and chronic fatigue, but its so frustrating. Ive lost friendships because of it.

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people with personality disorders are still capable of love, affection and caring about others, but it's okay to struggle with those things.

you aren't evil for not feeling love, hating showing or receiving affection or not caring. it doesn't make you a bad person, or less deserving of respect.

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I love lying to the doctors

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sorry i'm being an absent friend i'm being an absent self too