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Let Me Love You - XiCheng FF

Pairing: Jiang Cheng|Jiang Wanyin x Lan Huan|Lan Xichen

There’s not really any spoilers to the novel/drama/donghua/manhua so please enjoy! For my friend who showed me a pic of Jiang Wanyin with puppies and so I used it as a prompt for this fanfiction.

Jiang Wanyin entered the room where he was directed from the front desk clerk. She had said that due to it being the busy tourist period, there was too little personnel working on the current production that featured him and thus there wasn’t anyone available to guide him there. He didn’t mind as he was tired at having prepared Yunmeng Jiang and the whole of Lotus Pier for the upcoming New Year’s celebrations. He was only here as his council and his right-hand man literally pushed him out of the gates of his sect before sending him off with good wishes on relaxing. At first, he couldn’t grasp how coming to an interview would help him relax. Even now, he couldn’t relax. Just by the busy atmosphere around him, he couldn’t help but worry about the preparations back home. What’s more, he was even more worried about who was going to interview him today. He had been blacklisted one too many times with the reason that he was too serious, too angry, too… frowny.

His scowl deepened as he remembered those dates. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t change his personality. In fact, if the other party couldn’t accept his personality, there was no reason for them to marry at all. After all, he wouldn’t want a loveless marriage like his parents had and the constant disappointment that maybe he wasn’t what his wife always thought he was. That made him scowl even more. Women were such complicated beings, he concluded. He entered the room in deep thought and looked around. It wasn’t beautifully decorated like the lotus lakes back in Yunmeng, wasn’t pristinely pictured like the Cloud Recesses in Gusu, nor was it as extravagant as Koi Tower in Lanling. Of course, it wasn’t as moody and boring as the Unclean Realm in Qinghe. It was beautiful in its own right and even someone who was not talented in the arts such as Lan Xichen or Nie Huaisang could appreciate its unique beauty. Untalented in anything overall, he added on bitterly.

He glanced around. The furniture was simple, a table and a few seats, a few cabinets and some shelves lining the walls. The walls themselves were painted with faint motifs of the four great cultivational sects. The head of a beast for the Qinghe Nie, the white peony for the Lanling Jin, the cloud for the Gusu Lan and finally the nine-petalled lotus for the Yunmeng Jiang. He noticed that there were other sects’ motifs that were hidden between the spaces of the more dominant sects and realised that all four walls were representing different areas of the cultivation world; where each of the four dominant sects had conquered and the smaller sects that hid under their protection. He had also noticed there was no imagery of the Qishan Wen sect, which he wasn’t complaining off. In fact, his scowl lightened quite a few degrees after discovering this fact. None could blame him, seeing as how Yunmeng Jiang had one of the more devastating losses during Qishan Wen’s dominance over the whole entire country. He could still smell the flames as they rose up from the ground and suddenly they were all around him, burning the once-beautifully standing Lotus Pier. He could only watch in anger and resent, vision blurred through the curtain of tears and red, as the Yunmeng Jiang sect flags were torn from their flag poles, still half burnt, stomped to the ground and even trampled upon in disrespect.

He shook his head. He shouldn’t dwell on the past anymore. What mattered more was the present. And at present, he needed to worry about the interview. He went to seat on one of the provided seats at the table where tea and refreshments had been laid out. It was simple china but it was polished till he could see his own reflection on his face. Tilting his head from side to side, he couldn’t help but praise the maids for their effort in hiding the traces of long nights and lack of food in his face, Though his cheeks and eyes were still more hollow than ever before, the heavy eyebags had gone and there was slight colouring to his cheeks. Even his usually dry lips were moisturised and preserved so that they wouldn’t suddenly turn dry and crack in the middle of the interview. Though he originally felt uncomfortable at the thought of applying make-up on a male such as him, it didn’t feel unnatural to wear it on his face. In fact, he had taken a newfound liking to it and even newfound respect to maids or noblewomen for putting on such thick make-up every single day. He was already weary at having to sit still for more than 30 minutes in front of a mirror just to be told that his makeup was not even half the time of most women’s make-up regime. Even doing his hair took less than 10 minutes!

He poured himself a cup of tea and enjoyed the light refreshments that were served in variations. He had recognised them as the portrayed images of the four great sects. Lotus-flavoured obviously for Yunmeng Jiang-though he preferred desserts made back at Yunmeng; desserts made anywhere else were under-par with those served back home! A slightly herbal taste while refreshing for the Gusu Lan; he was more surprised that it wasn’t plain bitter or just tasteless. Unexpectedly, the tea complemented with this dessert the most. A fairly rich taste of expensive for Lanling Jin and a more impactful and forceful taste for Qinghe Nie. They were rotated with sour, bitter, salty, sweet and sometimes even spicy, acidic or even tasteless! Really, did they have to invent a tasteless flavour too? 

Time passed and by the time the interviewer had come, he was busy playing a game he made up to try and differentiate the different tastes. He even managed to play a game similar to bingo! It just showed how bored he really was.

“Uhm, Sect Leader Jiang?” a voice called out hesitantly.

He looked up from his small game and saw a young boy around the age of twenty. He had a tired face and looked as though he had pulled through as many nights as he did as a sect leader. He immediately felt pity for the boy; he wasn’t in any important positions in the whole world, even in the country, and yet he had to pull on as many hours working as him.

Seeing as Jiang Wanyin didn’t reply, he hesitantly said, “I sincerely apologise for having you wait for such a long time. I can only hope I can repay it with something if it’s within my abilities.”

He shook off the boy’s offer and said gently, “It is fine. It is not like I could make you wait in return.”

The boy was immediately relieved as he broke into a small smile. Sect Leader Jiang wasn’t as fearful as he had thought. Contrarily, however, the boy reminded Jiang Wanyin much of his sister for some odd reason. He couldn’t put his finger on it and he wasn’t in the mood to try. He merely took another dessert and drank another sip from his third cup of tea; he must admit it was quite good.

“Would you like to indulge yourself with more sweets?” the boy peeked at him.

“Oh, no,” Jiang Wanyin fumbled, draining the remaining tea. “They are quite enjoyable, however.”

The boy smiled, free of tension. “Then, if you would, please follow me to the next room where we will begin your interview.”

Jiang Wanyin nodded and stood up to follow the surprisingly brisk boy. The other room was a little ways from his waiting room but it was relatively a replica, albeit smaller. The same walls adorned the different motifs of different sects and it was furnished relatively the same way. Pasted on the walls were different talismans. He peeked at them and could guess they’re vaguely for enclosing the sounds within these four walls and a few other spells scrawled to record their voices for future references. There was also another spell scrawled in the middle of the table on a white cloth with the exact same purpose. He went ahead to sit down on the table where there was already the interviewer seated. He was looking up and down a large stack of notes and occasionally looked up to see if a new communication talisman had arrived. He looked stressed and even to Jiang Wanyin, he looked way overworked, though he wasn’t in any position to judge himself. As he seated himself, the interviewer in front of him suddenly looked at his direction dumbfounded. A look of realisation dawned when he finally remembered why the esteemed Sandu Shengshou would come to their humble offices.

“Sandu Shengshou, sir! I apologise for being unable to meet you in person and for having you wait for a long time!” he squawked.

Jiang Wanyin raised an eyebrow.

The interviewer stumbled, “If—if it is alright with you, we can start whenever you are ready. The preparations have been done…”

Jiang Wanyin, though he understood the poor interviewer’s position, was starting to get annoyed. Was he really that feared? It wasn’t as if he was going to raise a hand on unarmed people. Well, he wouldn’t spare anyone of his sharp tongue though.

“But.”

The interviewer startled, “But something is holding up the last party and so we will need to wait for them…”

Jiang Wanyin stared at him dubiously. “Them?”

“Uh, yes, sir. Them.”

The interviewer answered just as a communication talisman entered the room and stopped in front of him. Jiang Wanyin could care less of what was about to happen. Though he was grateful for the extra time to eat more snacks. He poured tea in his newly given cup and stayed oblivious to the conspicuous sneaking around of the interviewer. Well, it was more of he couldn’t give a shit. When he finally looked at the interviewer after finishing his short but very much relaxing teatime, suspicion was written all over his body. His demeanour changed fully. He was no longer nervous or glancing around the room but was now smiling widely and was even sitting closer to the table right to his face. He even had his hands on the table as though anticipating something from Jiang Wanyin. He was staring at Jiang Wanyin with eyes full of adoration and worship. Jiang Wanyin could feel a chill down his back. Somehow, he felt that they were familiar. Too familiar.

He cleared his throat. “Are we going to start? I’d appreciate if my time is not wasted much more than this already has.”

The interviewer nodded and pulled out his notes, the movement looking very elegant. Too elegant. Jiang Wanyin stared down on him and reaffirmed the tugging feeling in the back of his mind. He cautiously watched as the interviewer asked the questions.

“Alright, sir. If you could, please introduce yourself, your name and titles, if you would?”

Jiang Wanyin gave him a long stare but the interviewer didn’t even quake, it even looked as though his smile grew bigger. That smile was unsettling. Too unsettling. As though Jiang Wanyin should be anticipating something very detestable after this interview was over. Or maybe even during.

“Jiang Cheng, courtesy name Jiang Wanyin. Sect leader of Yunmeng Jiang and holder of title Sandu Shengshou,” he said slowly.

He expected another intimidatingly familiar reaction but all he got out of the other person was a nod and him writing a few lines in his notes.

“Next question, do you like dogs?”

Jiang Wanyin, “Yes, I do.”

The interviewer beamed at him before opening the door to the room. Jiang Wanyin could only look on curiously as a trail of people entered the room, carrying something in their arms. The first person went up to him and deposited a round white object into his lap. He looked at the unknown object with curious eyes. The object moved and a pair of curious eyes met with his. He only then realised that it was a puppy. He was pleasantly surprised as he was quickly surrounded by multiple puppies that were brought in by the staff. His clothes were quickly dishevelled and his hair was mussed out of its usual tight bun. He was quickly caught up in the puppies’ tireless energy and was overwhelmed. He could barely keep a grin off his face and would occasionally be attacked by a barrage of small but sloppy tongues. He happily accepted the sudden bombardment of the small and cute puppies. His shoulders immediately lost their usual tension and his signature frown on his face had completely disappeared. He had a relaxed face and constantly moved his upper body to account for every single puppy who demanded his attention. 

Everyone in the room held their breaths at this moment of weakness. The Sandu Shengshou had his guard down. And it was so easily accomplished by the appearance of dogs. There was a warm and fluffy atmosphere surround Jiang Wanyin, as though encompassing him in this very joyous haven that he could enjoy alone. They could see the small but innocent smile of his face and even the slight tint of pink in his cheeks. His eyes were soft and were looking at the puppies with tenderness. They could not believe at this blessing to see a side of the notoriously infamous Sandu Shengshou. A man who was ruthless and merciless towards his enemies and could make one’s blood run cold at a mere glance. They could only savour this rare, if not once in a blue moon, side of Jiang Wanyin.

Suddenly, it had felt as though the room chilled. A murderous intent lurked into the four walls of the room. The staff members could only look towards the only other involved person in the room; the interviewer. He was glaring intensely at the small puppies that hang off Jiang Wanyin’s arms and occasionally looked at the staff members, harbouring a stiff smile and cold, lifeless eyes. They could only gulp in fear and quickly shuffled out of the room, afraid of their lives. Once outside, they quickly ran away as far as they could, informing every personnel not to enter the room until further notice before collapsing and thanking the Gods that they made it out alive.

Inside, Jiang Wanyin was fully oblivious to the on-goings of possible murder. Even more, his guard was fully down. He had put aside Zidian and Sandu for fear of harming the puppies due to their playfulness and his inability to occupy every single one of them. He was constantly kept busy by switching between multiple puppies who lay around his body as though they were worshipping him. Being in such a blissful situation, he didn’t realise when a certain someone snuck up from behind him, only realising when he was finally encased in someone’s warm embrace.

“Wanyin.”

Jiang Wanyin turned around, expecting it to be the interviewer but was met with the familiar dazzling smile of Lan Xichen.

“Sect leader Lan?” he squawked in surprise. “What are you doing here? Where are the rest of the people?”

He looked around quickly only to realise now that they were the only ones in the room. His sight landed back onto Lan Xichen.

“I am unsure of what happened to those pitiful people. However, I don’t assume that you have something for me?”

Jiang Wanyin stared at him dubiously. “I don’t recall having anything to give you.” He frowned.

Lan Xichen only looked at him expectantly and seeing his serious eyes, he proceeded to bait him.

“See, I heard you liked dogs…”

Jiang Wanyin nodded in agreement.

“But you are also notorious for not liking people…”

Jiang Wanyin impatiently snapped. “So, what is your point, Sect leader Lan?”

Lan Xichen sighed. “Now, now, Wanyin. Have we not agreed just the other day to drop formalities? Call me Lan Huan.”

The pink in Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks grew deeper. “We never agreed to! You went ahead and made it up yourself!”

He tutted. “But you didn’t complain about it, so I had taken it upon myself to call you so.”

Jiang Wanyin couldn’t retort. It was true; he didn’t really hate it when Lan Xichen called him by his name. Although… He shook his head. No, no! He wasn’t just trying to imagine Lan Xichen calling him by his birth name. Not at all!

Seeing as he didn’t answer, Lan Xichen proceeded to pout. “Well, if you dislike it this much, I will immediately cease calling—”

“No, no! You can!” Jiang Wanyin was flustered and refused to meet Lan Xichen’s eyes. “I—I mean, you can call me however you wish to.”

Lan Xichen’s face immediately brightened. “Then, I shall take up your offer, A-Cheng!”

Jiang Wanyin’s heart stilled before beating at Mach 20 speed. A-Cheng! Lan Xichen’s voice was looping in his head and he couldn’t stop the heat that spread from his cheeks all the way to his ears. He didn’t even notice when Lan Xichen’s arms circled around his waist and were snuggled comfortably at the nook of his hips. He sat closer to him, his chest now coming into contact with his back. At the sudden contact of warmth, Jiang Wanyin was immediately snapped out of his daze.

“A-Cheng, do you like me?” Lan Xichen breathed into his ear. Jiang Wanyin couldn’t help but shiver, his nerves tingling at the low rumble.

“O—Of course, I mean, Sect leader Lan is very likeable…”

“Not like that, A-Cheng.” His mouth was dangerously close to Jiang Wanyin’s neck now and he couldn’t stop his trembling and the feeling of longing. He unconsciously leaned back towards that inviting warmth but was quickly dragged to reality when Lan Xichen immediately drew back and stood up. He stared up at him dumbfoundedly.

“There is no need to think so seriously, Wanyin. After all, I have no obligation to rush for an answer right now.”

Jiang Wanyin stared after him as Lan Xichen walked dejectedly towards the door. Jiang Wanyin could have sworn he saw a pair of ears and a long tail droop down in accordance. He couldn’t ignore his demand now and hesitantly opened his mouth.

“Y—Yes…l—like…” he whispered softly.

Lan Xichen immediately perked up. “I’m sorry, would you care to repeat that?”

“Yes! I like you, Lan Xichen!”

Jiang Wanyin’s face was on fire and he immediately avoided Lan Xichen’s gaze when he turned to look at him. In all honesty, Lan Xichen didn’t need him to repeat his answer as his trained ear could pick out any of Jiang Wanyin’s clear voice, brimming with emotion. His uncut anger when he spouts out complains, his curt responses when he brutally gives his opinion, his sorrow-filled whispers as he voices out his regrets, the carefree laughter as he let go of his restraints and smiled freely, the shy and embarrassing responses to his words of love… Lan Xichen loved it all. His open and direct character drew him in. He who could only wear a smile through thick and thin could only watch in wonder at this rare gem that had coincidentally been sent to his doorstep. A gem laden with pain and longing, hurt by what he lacked but scorned the idea of weakness. He was attracted to that strength. An imperfection with an obvious flaw.

And despite Jiang Wanyin’s constant criticisms to his self, Lan Xichen, a man who was born to be perfect, born raised to be perfect, expected to be perfect, could only find this imperfection beautiful. That someone who was so self-deprecating about his flaw was this powerful and successful. 

“Thank you, A-Cheng.”

Jiang Wanyin startled as Lan Xichen held him to his chest.

“F—For what? I didn’t do anything,” he said.

“No, you did.” But I’ll save the explanation for later.

Jiang Wanyin stilled, unused to being embraced, before surrendering and leaned into Lan Xichen. Lan Xichen could feel a smile spread and tightened his hold on Jiang Wanyin, forcing them to press even closer. Jiang Wanyin was flustered and tried to push with his hands on Lan Xichen’s chest. He stopped his futile attempt when he felt Lan Xichen’s lips back on his neck.

“W-w-w-w-what are you doing?!”

Lan Xichen sighed, his hot breath making Jiang Wanyin unable to resist the shiver down his back and his rapid heartbeat. “Well, it seems as though my A-Cheng is being needy so I wanted to pamper him…”

He sighed again. “Alas, it seems that I was merely speculating…”

He trailed off dramatically. Jiang Wanyin could never get used to his antics and thus it caused his anger to spike up. “Who said I needed pampering?!”

“Hmm… I am unsure of that myself but I heard you were going to celebrate the New Year by yourself, since Young Master Jin — oh, should I be saying Sect Leader Jin, now? — has gone off to celebrate with some of my disciples.”

Jiang Wanyin impatiently replied. “Well, yes. That has been happening since recent years so I am used to celebrating alone. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me.”

Lan Xichen turned his head and looked at Jiang Wanyin, resting it on his shoulder.

“I am merely upset that you didn’t feel that it was necessary to invite me to celebrate with you.”

Jiang Wanyin opened his mouth to retort only to stop when he met Lan Xichen’s eyes. Oh God, the eyes. He could even swear that the dog ears were back, drooping down flat onto the sides of his head. It wouldn’t be presumptuous for him to assume that the tail was also back.

“It—It wasn’t as though I didn’t want to…” he looked away from Lan Xichen.

“But you’re not looking at me… so you really don’t want to celebrate with me…” he could hear the sadness in his voice.

He was quite certain that it was feigned but he really couldn’t bring himself to push away the older sect leader.

“… Fine. You can celebrate it with me.”

Lan Xichen immediately lit up and released his hold on Jiang Wanyin, sliding his hand into his and pulling him towards the exit.

“W—wait, where are we going??” Jiang Wanyin exclaimed in bewilderment.

“First things first, we are going to be a family!” Lan Xichen excitedly replied.

Although he was at the mercy of the Lan superhuman, even for cultivators, strength, he still stubbornly resisted being dragged across the room to the door. “What do you mean family?? Aren’t we technically already?”

Lan Xichen stopped and turned to face him. “You… Don’t want to be family?”

Oh, for fuck sakes! “Alright, alright, yes, I do! Happy now?”

Lan Xichen smiled again and before Jiang Wanyin could retaliate, he was picked up into Lan Xichen’s arms who proceeded to exit the building merrily. Jiang Wanyin knew there was no use in fighting a Lan and could only hide the growing embarrassment he felt with anger.

“Can you at least tell me where we are going and what we are going to be doing?”

Lan Xichen merely looked straight ahead and smiled. “Lotus Pier should be empty due to the New Year, so we shall be going there and become family!”

There was a slight tone of pride as though he was patting himself on the back for thinking of such a smart idea. Jiang Wanyin immediately picked up on it and his face darkened when he realised what Lan Xichen had been hinting at.

“Don’t tell me.”

“That’s right! We shall make love, my dear A-Cheng!”

“Lan Xichen, you—”

“Lan Huan.” 

He sighed, exasperated. “L—Lan Huan, we don’t have to rush into it, do we? You already told your uncle that you would abstain!”

Lan Xichen nodded. “Indeed. Abstain till you agreed to it. Which you did.”

His scowl deepened. “You planned for this, didn’t you?!”

Lan Xichen only chuckled lightly.

With nothing else to entertain him during the journey back home, he decided to provoke the Lan.

“Were you in the room when I got there?” Lan Xichen hummed in agreement.

“Were you the one who organised the interview?” A shake of his head.

“How did I not notice you when I entered the room?” His smile grew wider. He was certainly playing hard to get that’s for sure.

“Was the whole interview just a sham?” A hum.

“Did you switch places with the interviewer?” A hum.

“Did you— Wait… You switched places with the interviewer?”

Lan Xichen nodded and finally looked down at him. “Yes, I did, A-Cheng.”

Jiang Wanyin finally realised as to why the interviewer was questionably familiar. “You… Did you use that new spell that you constructed just recently?”

Lan Xichen beamed at him despite his ploy being out in the open. “Yes, I did! A-Cheng, you’re very smart!”

Jiang Wanyin snorted. “I’m not smart. I didn’t even realise that you were in the room at all until now.”

Lan Xichen frowned and chided, “Of course you’re smart. How else have you maintained Yunmeng Jiang sect as one of the top cultivation sects without any guidance? You even denied any help offered to you.”

“That’s different.”

“And how is it different?”

“No one would do it. So, of course, I’d take it up upon myself to do it. After all, I am the only son of the previous Sect leader Jiang.”

Lan Xichen went quiet. There was truth to his words but…

“If it were anyone else in your position, do you think they’d do it?”

“…Of course,” Jiang Wanyin said hesitantly, his confidence slipping.

Lan Xichen shook his head. “No, A-Cheng. Even I wouldn’t.”

Jiang Wanyin disagreed in disbelief. “The esteemed and obedient Zewu-Jun wouldn’t save his clan and sect from the brink of destruction?”

Lan Xichen smiled at him, with a hint of sadness. “Do you think I would? If the Cloud Recesses sat atop ashes, no signs of life, or any traces of the previous Gusu Lan?” He shook his head. “I wouldn’t. There wouldn’t have been any point. Even if I managed to rebuild the Cloud Recesses, what about the recruitment of disciples? What about the lost techniques that were lost in the destruction? And what about being left alone again?”

Jiang Wanyin could only stare at him. He didn’t have the answers to them. He only knew that he should regain Yunmeng Jiang’s and his former glory. He wasn’t about to let the Wens think they had brought down a strong sect with their petty ways. He wasn’t going to let the other cultivators think of what they wished about how Lotus Pier fell. And he wasn’t going to let the world think that he was that much of a coward to listen to all those whispers.

“It’s all my selfishness. Only that,” he muttered finally.

“Then,” Lan Xichen replied firmly. “let me be selfish just this once and say that I want to spend time with you.”

Jiang Wanyin pursed his lips. “Fine, have it your way.”

Lan Xichen gave him a small smile and they travelled the rest of the way in silence. After dismounting from Shuoyue, Jiang Wanyin immediately marched to the direction of the kitchens. Lan Xichen followed him, shutting his mouth when he saw the stubborn expression on the younger man. Jiang Wanyin approached the stove, sleeves rolled up, and began to prepare the food. Lan Xichen could not hold it in anymore and opened his mouth to ask when Jiang Wanyin spoke first.

“If you want to spend time together, then make yourself useful,” he said, his back towards Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen stared at him and processed his words before getting the hint. He beamed as he noticed the familiar pink tint that climbed up his neck. “Of course, A-Cheng!”

Lan Xichen immediately busied himself with the preparation of the ingredients, falling into step with Jiang Wanyin easily. They worked in silence, easily coordinating with one another as easily as breathing, having spent too long on the same battlefield.

The day quickly passed and the sun quickly fell from its mighty position. The food, now completed, was laid out in front of them where they were sitting at one of Jiang Wanyin’s favourite spots that looked out over the lotus lakes. They ate in silence as they were both not too keen on conversing while eating, unlike a certain male whose mouth and words were as abundant as the rabbits back in the Cloud Recesses. And unlike that same certain person, they settled comfortably in the silence, especially Jiang Wanyin.

The entire Lotus Pier was empty, including all of his attendants and there was only him staying there for the next few days. He didn’t know how comfortable he felt with another person intruding into his personal space but Lan Xichen was tolerable, if not comfortable, to be around. Lan Xichen held his questions back and perfectly assisted him as though he was his right-hand man currently.

Ending up back in his study, he finally asked Lan Xichen the question that had bothered him since that afternoon—no, since he confessed three months ago.

“… Why me?”

Lan Xichen looked up from the scroll he was reading right into Jiang Wanyin’s questioning eyes.

“… Do I need a reason to love someone?” Jiang Wanyin didn’t answer. “Love needs no rhyme or reason. It just is.”

Jiang Wanyin became exasperated. Sure, he could agree that love was an unreasonable feeling. But it didn’t explain why it was him.

“It’s because it’s you.” Jiang Wanyin looked up at Lan Xichen who was now standing right in front of him, a serious expression on his face rid of the usual polite smile.

“Hah?” Jiang Wanyin could only reply dumbfoundedly.

“I love you because it’s you.” Lan Xichen was now behind the desk and stepping even closer to Jiang Wanyin. Unused to close contact, Jiang Wanyin unconsciously took a step back to which Lan Xichen covered the distance with a step of his own. That was until Jiang Wanyin’s back hit the wall. He was trapped in Lan Xichen’s gaze and he couldn’t help but swallow stiffly. He wasn’t worthy… He didn’t deserve him…

“If you’re thinking of how I can easily find someone like you, then you’re wrong. Where am I going to find someone who decided to do something as grand as reviving a dead sect and rebuilding their burnt home from the ground up and went through with it? Where am I going to find someone who although is finicky when it comes to standards but so entertaining when he tries to make an expression?” Lan Xichen continued. He cupped Jiang Wanyin’s face and made him look up to meet his eyes. This pitiful man could only look at him helplessly, unable to refute. He wanted to say that there were millions of other people in the world, and even if they didn’t meet his standards now, what about in the future? There was bound to be someone. Even his family. Even though his father had him, he was more satisfied with someone else’s son. Even though his mother had him, she was more satisfied pampering his older sister. Even though his siblings loved him, in the end, they chose to stay with their beloved who would keep them safe. Because he couldn’t give them that safety. That warm comfort of love that he never learnt to reciprocate.

“Then, what if it isn’t me? Someone totally different from me. Not a stubborn, annoying and hard to please person. But a kind, caring and patient person?” Jiang Wanyin blinked hard. The image of Jin Guangyao entered his mind to which he furiously pushed out of his mind. He was going to be second again. The alternative. The silence settled around them again, this time stifling. He could hardly breathe now, thinking that Lan Xichen’s silence was affirmation. Lan Xichen looked at him, re-evaluating him, maybe even regretting ever saying he fell in love with him, Jiang Wanyin thought. By the time he noticed, tears had already left a trail on his cheeks, falling silently to the ground, just as silently as his heart broke. He never wanted to realise, never wanted to acknowledge. Because he couldn’t bear another slipping out of his hands. Slipping through his fingers as though they were just sand and them being beside him was just an illusion. That all he could do was chase around after their backs, hoping something would change. But it never did. Because—

“—Because they never had the chance to look at you.”

Jiang Wanyin blinked. It finally clicked that it was Lan Xichen who said that. “They ran out of time, A-Cheng. It wasn’t because they didn’t bother to look at you properly but because they never realised how much time they had to do so.” Jiang Wanyin found himself leaning away from Lan Xichen’s hands, trying to slip away, but failed when Lan Xichen’s hands moved from his cheeks to his back, pulling him close to his chest.

“Then, what about you? Are you going to run out of time too?” Jiang Wanyin muffled from his chest.

“I won’t,” Lan Xichen replied and chuckled when Jiang Wanyin looked up with incredulity. “Not until I hear you saying that you are glad I fell in love with you and believe that I love you.”

Jiang Wanyin immediately buried his head further into his chest, feeling the now familiar feeling of warmth spread through his face. Lan Xichen laughed softly at his act of shyness and could only think of how adorable his Jiang Wanyin was. When it was obvious that Jiang Wanyin had no intentions of moving from his chest, Lan Xichen made a sound something of a sigh and a hum. Jiang Wanyin looked up puzzled before feeling himself being lifted off the ground. Lan Xichen effortless carried him in his arms and sat him on his lap as he took a seat on the chair behind the desk. Jiang Wanyin turned to Lan Xichen, bewildered, while the other merely gave him a large smile.

“What are you doing?” he asked, still shocked at his bewitching manoeuvre. Only Lan Xichen could make such a movement so beautiful, he thought as he sighed to himself. “Showering you with love, of course!” Lan Xichen replied, delighted at his reaction. Jiang Wanyin choked at that unexpected comment. As expected, only Lan Xichen could find his reactions entertaining, he continued thinking. 

“Is there anything else you would like to entertain me with?” Jiang Wanyin snorted. Lan Xichen smiled even brighter. Really, if he was going to smile any wider or brighter, Jiang Wanyin felt he might really go blind, and not only because of love. “There are a million things, of course,” Lan Xichen said, holding Jiang Wanyin closer. “But I know if I don’t follow your pace, we’d go backwards instead of forwards. So, what would you like me to do?”

Jiang Wanyin looked up at him, marvelling at how this Jade of Lan shone under the cover of moonlight. He rested his chin on his chest and pondered for a moment. Every single thought that went through his mind made him blush more. “U—Uh, what are my options?” he coughed. Lan Xichen struggled to keep his laughter from bubbling but that didn’t stop his shoulders from shaking. His eyes filled with adoration at the young man in his arms before him as Jiang Wanyin’s face formed a pout. His eyes twinkled. “Well, we could start off easy. Pick a number from one to ten,” he grinned mischievously. Jiang Wanyin racked his brains. There was definitely a catch here. But maybe there wasn’t. Lan Xichen wouldn’t do anything he wouldn’t like, would he? Maybe the numbers represent the comfort level? Maybe his confidence level? Maybe speed? Jiang Wanyin felt his temples throbbed and thought, Screw it! 

“Then, eight!” he said confidently. The higher the better, right? I won’t regret it, surely!

Lan Xichen grinned widely and proceeded to pick him up.

“W-w-w-w-wait, where are we going?!” Jiang Wanyin flailed as he was adjusted comfortably again in the bridal carry. 

Lan Xichen opened the door to Jiang Wanyin’s room adjacent to the study and proceeded to lay him on the bed. Was he going to tuck him to bed, Jiang Wanyin wondered. But his relief would slowly turn into dread and, although Jiang Wanyin strongly and stubbornly denied the idea, pleasure. For the number eight was the number of hours Lan Xichen proceeded to whisper words of love and affection whilst pampering the uncomfortable man with kisses.

The next day when Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had come with the preparations of the New Year, uninvited of course, they found Jiang Wanyin with swollen and full lips and a Lan Xichen whose smile seemed to put the sun to shame. The couple dreaded to think what had happened and instead kept their mouth shut when the two sect leaders greeted them at the gate.

Well, Wei Wuxian thought, at least now he isn’t second anymore. He watched as his younger brother busied himself with cleaning the hallways while being spoiled rotten by the older Lan. And that was the start of Jiang Wanyin’s fall from being alone and scarred to being helpless, in love and helplessly in love.

End.

[schmuwuwu]

If Mo Dao Zu Shi was represented by two people who may be insane

So, my friend and I were randomly discussing MDZS because we found ourselves quite similar to Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin(respectively). And then we just somehow got into role-playing. Uhh... yeah, don’t question. Then, we both randomly got the idea to turn it into a ff and here we are. Written by: me (shmuwuwu/”forever not okay”) (also edited painstakingly by me) @eeksaveme (”Dumber”)

Disclaimers(because I want to):

We do not ship Nie Huaisang x Lan Jingyi, ‘kay. Gotta make that clear.

Amounts of swearing, so if you feel uncomfortable, please do not read! Or you can request for a censored version from me! ...I’ll be nice~

Intimacy between males, so if you are homophobic or opposed to such relationships, please do not read!!

This whole story doesn’t make sense yet it sorta does — no, nevermind, it doesn’t.

This doesn’t take place anywhere during the main story or after, it’s more of just a random story that exists. There’re minimal spoilers, so it’s fine if you haven’t read/watched MDZS/The Untamed yet.

Author’s notes(more like only me)  — Thanks to @eeksaveme for getting me into the MDZS fandom, I honestly thought it wasn’t going to be good when she told me the romance was more of a side-story and doesn’t really add to the plot much, but it was surprisingly a good plot, even without the romance. So, thank you for curing my boredom for approximately 2 weeks before I forced myself to find another BL thing to entertain myself with again. Okay, this post is getting too long, sorry. Ships: Lan Huan|LanXichen x Jiang Cheng|Jiang Wanyin Wei Ying|Wei Wuxian x Lan Zhan|Lan Wangji Wen Yuan|Lan Yuan|Lan Sizhui x Jin Ling|Jin Rulan ————— 

Jiang Wanyin sat at his study, visibly perturbed by something that may or may not be happening in the dimension. He twitched, Zidian sparked, agitated. Somewhere, and yet nowhere, he could hear a voice directed to him.

“HEY! JIANG CHENG! WANNA GO ON A NIGHT HUNT RIGHT NOW?!”

Jiang Wanyin could barely suppress the smirk on his face, much less the impatient excitement.

“SURE, WHO WE HUNTING.”

“WEI WUXIAN! …AND PROBABLY NIE HUAISANG TOO.”

Jiang Wanyin leapt to his feet. An excuse to hunt down Wei Wuxian (and Nie Huaisang)? Fuck yes!!!

“BITCH, LESSGO.”

He literally ran out from his study and immediately headed for the woods situated near Gusu, where he somehow knew where Wei Wuxian and co. were.

Some time, in the woods of Gusu, Wei Wuxian twitched.

“Wait… CAN WE GO BACK TO THE ‘WHO’ PART!? Jiang Cheng, what have you been hunting while I’ve been gone?!”

Not waiting for an answer, he turned to Nie Huaisang who was conveniently right next to him.

“HUAISANG, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”

Nie Huaisang looked at him, confused as Wei Wuxian immediately sprinted in the direction away from Gusu.

“Wait, why?”

“JUST RUN DAMNIT.”

Jiang Wanyin conveniently pops up right at this moment right behind them, riding on Sandu. A wide smirk could be seen on his face, his eyes lighting up as he watched his prey cower in fear. His heart thrummed at the thought of hunting.

“HOW ABOUT YOU RUN FOR YOUR LIFE FIRST, HUH? BEFORE TAKING CARE OF OTHERS.”

Despite still being annoyed by Wei Wuxian’s natural ethics to worry about others, his excitement far surpassed any other emotion he had ever felt in his life. He couldn’t help but feel the adrenaline run through his blood. He breathed in deeply, calming his palpitating heart; it had been long since he had felt this blood lust of his.

Wei Wuxian must have felt the change in Jiang Wanyin’s poise as he turned back and tried his hardest to plead with the approaching predator.

“J-Jiang Cheng, y-you know w-we’re brothers, right? So… m-maybe, y-you know, as your f-favourite bro- NAH, SCREW IT, I BETTER RUN,” Wei Wuxian screamed when he realised Jiang Wanyin had deployed his favourite and trusty whip.

Zidian sparkled to life, feeling its master’s exciting rush of energy. If one were to observe, they would swear unto the Gods that they could see faint specks of blue lightning within the untainted colours of dangerous purple. Wei Wuxian could feel the heat radiating from Zidian; he was more surprised to see that Jiang Wanyin hadn’t sweat a bead from that thermal heater. Wei Wuxian suspected that Zidian was the reason why Jiang Wanyin was never cold in the winter, even when visiting the Antarctica of the cultivator world—the Cloud Recesses.

Wait, why was he thinking about that. Jiang Wanyin’s voice broke through his thoughts immediately and the fear came rushing up his spine.

“YES… RUN,” he sneered at the retreating Wei Wuxian. “I CAN TASTE YOUR DESPAIR AND… IT. IS. DELICIOUS~.”

Jiang Wanyin licked his lips, savouring this precious feeling of domination over the once-oh-so-glorious Wei Wuxian.

“LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN ZHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!” Wei Wuxian screamed, calling for his faithful husband.

“YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP AND RUN LIKE THE BITCH YOU ARE. AFTER ALL, AREN’T YOU GOOD AT THAT, WEI WUXIAN,” Jiang Wanyin taunted. “EVERY DAY, RUNNING TO YOUR MATE AS THOUGH YOU’RE IN HEAT AND FUCK UNTIL HE’S LEFT HIS MARK ON YOU…-”

“A-Cheng!” a voice called out from behind him.

Jiang Wanyin immediately stopped his pursuit and turned around. It was a voice he knew all too well. His vision is immediately enveloped in white as the elegant Zewu-Jun, Lan Xichen approached him on Shuoyue. He was beaming at him, immediately blinding Jiang Wanyin. His face softened as his eyes lingered on the face of his beloved before he resumed his usual scowl.

“What.”

“A-Cheng, are you perhaps hungry?” Lan Xichen asked, worry written all over his face for his beloved.

Jiang Cheng startled. “U-uh, no. Why?”

Lan Xichen smiled mischievously, his gold eyes darkening as a certain emotion clouded and tainted their clarity. “Because if you are, I’m always available.”

Jiang Cheng could barely contain his shiver. A hint of pink coloured his scowling face and he turned away from Lan Xichen.

“I’M NOT HUNGRY,” he yelled behind him as he returned to his hunt.

Wei Wuxian suddenly stopped. “Hold the fuck up, folks, I ain’t running from that. I sense draaaamaaaa~.”

Nie Huaisang somewhere in the universe, “U-uh, okay? You sure ‘bout that?”

Wei Wuxian turned towards him, confusion in his eyes. Suddenly, everyone could feel a minor tremor and the sound of a stampede coming to their direction, right behind Wei Wuxian.

“DID SOMEONE SAY MUM IS HUNGRY?!?!?!?!” they heard a shout.

Lan Jingyi came into view. Running at the speed of love towards Jiang Wanyin, he was holding an armful of chicken wings and had a trail of chickens right behind him. It didn’t amount to only tens but into the hundreds. Lan Jingyi shoved past Wei Wuxian and he finally saw the danger. Just as Wei Wuxian was about to get trampled by chickens, Lan Wangji swooped in on Bichen and picked up his wife away from danger. Right behind Lan Jingyi, who was running at the speed that even his sword couldn’t reach, was Lan Sizhui on his sword, trying to catch up to Lan Jingyi. He barely caught up and was curious as to why everyone was gathered.

“If I may inquire, why is my mother running and my father—for a lack of better wording—threatening to massacre the whole area and causing another siege?” he asked with his as-fucking-scary-as-usual calm demeanour.

“Can’t you see the hunger in my eye—wait, no, Jingyi… I don’t need chicken—! PLEASE, I DON’T NEED IT!!” Jiang Wanyin ran in the opposite direction, trying to shake off Lan Jingyi.

“B-b-b-but… YOU SAID YOU WERE HUNGRY—!”

Lan Jingyi sped up, actually matching Sandu’s speed.

“Er…” Lan Xichen said, trying to grasp the situation. “Jingyi, you respectable child, mum’s not hungry at the moment, don’t worry.”

Lan Jingyi stopped at his father’s voice. “B-but… the chicken…”

Lan Sizhui understood his sincerity. After all, he had spent time watching Lan Jingyi raise up his own chicken farm and had desperately dropped everything to save his mother from starvation. He tugged on Lan Jingyi’s sleeve, pulling him to the side while reasoning with him.

“Let’s go eat nearby while we wait for them to finish their business, okay?” he said gently, trying to cheer up the pitiful looking boy.

At this, he immediately perked up and his face immediately stretched into a grin.

“Okays!” he said, nodding enthusiastically.

Wei Wuxian was suddenly struck by the devil and yelled after the two young and possibly untainted boys.

“Basically, your dad is saying that only he can satisfy your mum’s hunger, Jingyi!”

Lan Wangji’s hands tightened around Wei Wuxian’s waist.

“Wei Ying!” he chided at the same time as Lan Sizhui yelled in exasperation, “Mum!!!”

With the horde of chickens out of the battlefield, it remained deserted just how Jiang Wanyin wanted it to be.

“WEI WUXIAN, YOU GET THE FUCK BACK HERE AND LET ME TEAR YOUR LIMBS TO PIECES, YOU HEAR ME! LET ME HEAR YOUR SCREAMS OF PAIN WHILE I TEAR YOUR HEART INTO PIECES!!!!!” he roared, Zidian extended towards Wei Wuxian.

“Jiang Wanyin, shouting is prohibited in the Cloud Recesses,” Lan Wangji warned.

Wei Wuxian, “LAN ZHAN, THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM.”

Jiang Wanyin’s temple throbbed at their blatant show of love. Just as he was about to move forward, Lan Xichen tried to coax Jiang Wanyin.

“My sweet, won’t you come back to me? My lips have been hurting from being left alone for so long… I’m afraid I might die at this rate…,” Lan Xichen audibly sighs dramatically. “I wonder if there’s anyone who’s willing to give me a kiss to help me rid of this sickness that I contracted…?”

Jiang Wanyin stopped in mid-air and without a thought immediately returns to Lan Xichen, giving him a soft peck on his lips before withdrawing and turning his head, hiding his fully red face. Lan Xichen chuckled and smiled in triumph. Jiang Wanyin turned around in realisation. “Wait, fuck, you lied to me?!?!?!”

Lan Xichen, “Lying is prohibited, my sweet~”

Jiang Wanyin, “Oh fuck.”

He grew even redder and tried to run away but Lan Xichen was faster, hugging his beloved to his chest without giving him a chance to slip from his grasp. Of course, this act didn’t slip from Wei Wuxian’s eyes. Unable to believe what was going on in front of him, he exclaimed, “What the fuck—”

Lan Wangji, “Wei Ying. Cursing is prohibited.”

Lan Sizhui was dumbfounded that the almighty Lan Xichen would be so shameless and couldn’t help himself from exclaiming, “What is this?!?!?!?!?!??!”

Jin Rulan, who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere because he just needs to be included somewhere and the authors have no idea how to do this, screamed at his uncle, “UNCLE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.”

Lan Wangji threw a sharp glare at Jin Rulan but before he could berate the young sect leader, Lan Jingyi interrupted.

“So, now, can we have some chicken?” he asked, stuffing his cheeks with more chicken wings that continued to replenish itself in front of him. He and Lan Sizhui were both sitting at a conveniently placed jade table in the middle of the woods. Everyone stared at him, debating on how to respond.

“What? I’m hungry??” Lan Jingyi said, misinterpreting their stares as questioning why he chose to eat first.

Nie Huaisang, somewhere in the woods, having run miles away from the area, “Yeah, me too, how about we eat and forget everything that happened, and yeah, I DON’T WANT TO SEE Y’ALL MAKING OUT HERE, CIAO.”

At the same time, Nie Huaisang who had expertly slipped away from the situation was outstandingly lost. His stomach grumbled as he though back on the luxurious amount of chicken and his mouth watered for the satisfying meal he could’ve gotten from Lan Jingyi.

“I’m hungry…,” he muttered to himself.

“DID SOMEONE SAY HE’S HUNGRY?”

From the distance, Nie Huaisang looked up to see a certain Lan Jingyi come towards him at the unbelievable speed with an army of chickens.

“Uh… I don’t… Yes, I’m hungry,” he fumbled.

“OKAY, TIME TO EAT SOME CHICKEN, WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GET HYPED.”

Nie Huaisang, “Y-yeah!!”

After having some chicken, Nie Huaisang turned towards his saviour.

“So, how do we return to Gusu from here?”

Lan Jingyi mindlessly ate more chicken, “Oh, I thought you would know. That’s why I came.”

And the days went by with Nie Huaisang and Lan Jingyi eating chicken as their meals, cluelessly wandering around the woods until Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin finally found their baby boy, accusing Nie Huaisang for kidnapping him. He couldn’t deny it because he really did lead Lan Jingyi away from them after all. He repented and the next few weeks passed with filling the whole of Cloud Recesses with the smell of chicken dishes just for Lan Jingyi before Jiang Wanyin finally forgave him when he saw how round Lan Jingyi was getting. End.

[schmuwuwu]

A Bitter Sweetness

Synopsis: 

                        An original love story of a picturesque couple, who were expected to be the perfect pair.

Today is the first day of spring. This means that my second year of dating my current boyfriend has been a success. I remember two years ago when I confessed to him. I was such a nervous wreck in front of him that I delayed the confession after failing to start the conversation. I remembered his encouraging smile as he egged me on with such patient eyes. I walk down the path to our usual spot in the park where we’ll start our day of celebrating our 2nd anniversary. My face naturally stretched into a grin as I skip down the cherry blossom-covered path. Its pink and white purity reminds me of the past two years, how we were so awkward with each other that we didn’t know how to kiss compared to now when we would joke whenever we make mistakes.

​As I turn the last corner leading to the park, I spot him waiting at our usual tree. I smile in delight as I watch his nervous demeanour. Though he isn’t a macho or muscular man, he definitely has a certain charm to him. His kind heart and his softness for everyone around him make up his individualism. I walk towards him, a slight skip in my walk. He looks up at the sound of me coming. He dons his adorable smile that shows all of his teeth. I smile back, feeling the excitement bubbling inside me. But somehow, I feel that something about him was different. I push my doubts and worried aside, determined not to have any negative thoughts while on our anniversary date.

He offers his right hand to me as usual and I responded as usual by taking it. He leads me to the pet café that we frequent to a lot. We have been discussing about getting a pet ever since six months ago. I have started to think about a name for a cat and a dog and what breeds they would be lately. We enter the café and order our usual meals, disappointed once again about not meeting the right pet. Due to the location of the café, it is usually quite expensive for us to always afford it. But when we do, we would share meals. I always thought he just wanted to be closer to me. His polite behaviour to others would tend to make me jealous. A stab of pain shot through my heart when I think about how polite he was being, to me and to others. It seems to me that he was treating me like he would to others. And it had already worried me ever since we started dating.

I suddenly feel disappointed and it probably showed on my face because he concernedly peers down on my face. The worry in his eyes seem to be genuine so I let go of the thoughts that held doubt within me. But I couldn’t shake off the insecurity that had already lodged itself in my heart. We leave the café after a wonderful lunch and proceed to stroll around the shopping district. As the contents in our stomach settle, our minds also wander. I could never know what he thinks during these silences. It’s never awkward and it’s comfortable even when we don’t talk about anything. But now I feel insecure. I can’t shake the feeling of not being important of him off my aching heart. Why couldn’t I ignore the insecurity this time like normal? Is it because of how… different he looked when he was waiting for me? My mind wandered further down the rabbit hole.

Then, it occur to me that there has been nothing intimate that happened during the relationship. He never went the extra mile to give me lasting presents and we never had any matching possessions. Was he always prepared to break off the relationship? At this point, I can’t ignore it any longer. This bottomless pit of doubt and distrust that continue to corrode my faith in him. As we walk back to the park as we always do, he takes a sudden turn. With my hand still in his, I am forced to go along with his sudden change in mind. My heart suddenly starts to race. Is he going to put his foot down and renew his loyalty or are my worst fears coming true? He slows to a stop at the willow tree that stares longingly down into the lake.

What’s wrong, he asks with worry in his eyes. His voice filled with kindness now hurt me. I avoid looking into his eyes. His eyes, clear and red. I had thought his eyes were beautiful because the red represented the forward passion of his love for me. Now, I can’t bear looking at his eyes. Not only his eyes but his face and his body. I look at my hands and slowly withdraw them from his. I take in a shaky breath. Why? I ask. Why, what? he asked back. I can only shake my head and swept a hand around us. Why are you so kind to others just as you are to me? You are never selfish with me. I say. Words that I want to say—scream at him—lodge themselves in my throat and my eyes blurred as I think back to the previous two years. Why is it today that I can’t ignore them? Why did I have to listen to them only today?

He was never selfish with me. He never asked for anything more and took everything from me with a sorry instead of a thank you. I kept working hard so that one day he was comfortable enough with me to say a thank you but that day never came. Maybe I was already disheartened ever since the confession. I knew I had pushed him to make a decision due to my timid nature and he probably couldn’t deny me. Just thinking that made my tears suddenly ran down my cheeks. I am jealous that my old self to be able to cry so freely, without any shame. Now, I can only stare down at the ground guiltily and avoid looking up. He stands there in silence, flabbergasted at the sight of my tears. The sun begins to merge into the horizon. As the seconds tick by, the sun carries all my hopes away together with it. He didn’t answer. I close my eyes, trying to steel myself against his words.

He opens his mouth and closes it again, trying to find all the right words to say. It’s okay, I say. I’m sorry if you felt like you had an obligation to fulfil when you accepted my confession. Can you forget all about it? I don’t mind if we stay as friends. I’ve grown tired of waiting for you to come around and treat me as something special. I say with a shaking voice. I am surprised myself for being able to say all of that without breaking down even further. What would traumatise me to never fall in love again was his next few words and what he would never do to me.

Okay. I’m sorry that you had to wait for me but… I also grew tired of waiting for you to come out of your shell. You never expressed your opinions. He replies. Each syllable hit me straight to the heart. He didn’t hold back when he said it. I look up to meet his eyes and could see pity in his eyes. For me? No, it was for him to break up with a girlfriend of two years in a picture-perfect relationship. Sensing that we were over and that we were finally done, I hug him, knowing somehow we will never get to interact ever again anymore. That in the first place, we weren’t meant to meet. Then, I sprint away from him, away from the lone willow tree and away from the setting sun. Away from what was my dream. I slam the door of my bedroom, ignoring the annoyed protests from my brother who I live with.

As I sit on my bed, gazing listlessly outside my window out at the willow tree and to the setting sun, I see his silhouette still standing there, unmoving. Then, I begin to cry again, this time without expecting them to stop. My tears have a mind of their own. They flow non-stop, carrying the brunt of reality along with it. I feel as though suspended in the cold presence of a vacuum, no longer able to feel anything.  Loneliness seep into my heart as the doubts and distrust begin to fade away. I no longer feel burdened about having a relationship but I felt that I had destroyed an irreparable relationship. A relationship that would never be recovered, only meant to be buried. I look back at the past two years again, before closing them off from my heart. I don’t want to remember them again. My first and a hopefully successful relationship has ended as a failure.

 What hurts more than the fact that it was consented is that he never returned that last hug. He had already let go of me before today. I remember the nervous look on his face before he showed me his picture-perfect smile. I only realise, in my stupidity and being blinded in love and hope, his smile was to cover up the discomfort he had felt while he was with me. He never wanted to stay in this relationship. How naïve was I that I didn't notice how he was feeling? Was I really that blinded by love? If love has blinded me to the point of naivety, I don’t want that anymore. If this naivety would cause me pain anyway, I might as well bear this ever-lasting pain that I will feel from this failure for all my life instead of reliving it.

I wish I broke off the relationship sooner. I wish I noticed his discomfort and paid attention to my doubts. I only woke up today. The dreamy state of being in love was like being an illusion that I had destroyed with just one sentence and another from him. I guess that is how fragile love is. I never should have trusted my heart. This deceitful heart which could never find solace. I’m done listening to it. I should have stopped when I noticed just how blue and black I have already become. This painful failure will forever etch the feeling of loneliness in the abyss of my heart, its grip on me eternal and the scar of failure that has stopped my heart from ever beating again. I hope it never recovers from this. If it does, I’m sure I should just let go. Again. Before I break again. Forever.

[schmuwuwu]

Sunrise

Synopsis: 

                     An AU featuring GOT7′s leader, Jaebum, in an unexpected romance with You and in the most unlikeliest of situations~

The biggest bully in your school, Jaebum, was always constantly after you. He would breathe down your neck and you would always submit to fear. Every time you heard his voice or hear him approaching, you immediately turn to run and find a place to hide. In the end, he would catch you; you hadn’t been too successful in escaping from his clutches so far. He would be glaring you down, making you scared as to what he would make you do. It’s either “Do my homework.”, “Money.” Or “Come with me.” The last one was the scary one. Doing homework was alright since you both were learning the same material and you weren’t tight on money at the moment, but not too free either. But whenever you hear him call you out to follow him, you knew that you had done something wrong, either to make him angry or he found fault with something you did. You were honestly more afraid of him than your parents. Every day, whenever there was a self-study lesson or a break, he would call you out. He would hurt you, without mercy, and leave you writhing in pain and in the end skipping the rest of the day to rest in the infirmary. Once, he had hurt you badly enough that you had to be sent to the hospital. Another student had found you underneath a deserted staircase, bleeding and passed out. You had had enough of this school life. But what could you do? After all, you had a crush on him... As hard as it was to believe.

You knew there was no point in running away from him. While at school, Jaebum would often address you as “Loser”—might as well be your name since he practically said that every time you met. Every time he called your “name”, you knew what Jaebum wanted from you. The tone in his voice said it all. You had learnt how to read his mood from his voice alone by now. Once, you tried running away from him, already having beaten up the day before and the fresh wounds were still dark and purple. The cuts had yet to stop bleeding as well and you knew that you couldn’t take another hit. You would normally be able to run quickly, flying past classroom doors and flights of stairs in a blink of an eye. But that day, you were limping and the wounds were aching, which slowed you down considerably. In the end, you had to hide in a toilet cubicle, praying that he didn’t see the direction where you ran towards. You leaned against the cubicle door, panting, and slide to the floor, tired. Your cuts had stopped bleeding that morning but due to you running, they reopened and had bled onto your bandages. Yet, you couldn’t feel the pain, the throb of your bruises, the sting of the cuts or the ache of your limping leg. No, your heart throbbed with pain and fear. You could hear your loud heartbeat in that silent bathroom, waiting and holding your breath.

“He can’t come in here… He wouldn’t dare…, would he?” you wondered to yourself, ears straining.

As luck would have it, the bathroom door swung open, colliding with the wall with a forceful thump.

“Don’t think you could run away from me. I already know you can’t,” Jaebum said.

You could see the smirk on his face as he announced his presence. You watched with panicked eyes as his shadow sidled closer and closer until it reached your cubicle door. Tears sprung up in your eyes as you knew, that there was no way to escape. That he was right; there was no way to run away from him. You scrambled to move and shrank yourself in the farthest corner of the cubicle, right next to the toilet, having a foolish idea that maybe the toilet would somehow help in making your escape. Seconds later, the cubicle door burst open, its hinges breaking from the force. Jaebum stood with a proud smirk looking down at me. God, you so wanted to wipe that smirk off his face but couldn’t help but be entranced at how cool he looked. His school uniform, a tad bit disorganised without the blazer and his tie was loose, revealing his chest from the top unfastened shirt button, striking a confident pose with his hands in his pockets. Your heart skipped a bit when you were suddenly pulled back to earth.

“Wait, wait, you’re about to get beaten and you’re thinking such shameless thought!!” you scolded yourself.

“Uhh… W…w—what do… y—you… wa—want—t?” you spluttered.

“Oh, nothing much, just the usual. A pinch of taking away your money, asking nicely for you to do my homework again on the side and of course,” he smiled widely. “Gobbling up your desperate and pained face as you scream in agony as I mercifully hit you again.”

What happened next turned into a blur for you and when you realised it, he had finally finished and left you on the floor bleeding as usual. Just before you passed out, however, you caught a glimpse of Jaebum at the classroom door, looking back at you. That guilty face of his… why would he beat you if he was going to make that face, why was he the one with such a pitiful expression when you were the one being beaten—you wanted to shout in his face. But of course, you didn’t have the courage to do so and you couldn’t help but actually feel pity for him. You spent the whole night finishing up yours and Jaebum’s share of homework—which unfortunately for some reason also included the homework from the girls that would hang around Jaebum. It pissed you off thinking about them and could feel your face burning up as you did their homework as sloppily as possible, no longer caring if they got a bad grade for the assignment. Gosh, if anyone were to come right now, you wouldn’t even say anything and immediately will burst into tears, hopping that they would give you a hug and a shoulder to cry one—and probably even a chocolate shake.

As you laid on your bed, you started drifting back into the past. You regretted ever passing the detention room that very day. Jaebum was shockingly present. He never had a bad grade on his report card even if he never did do his own homework or skipped class almost all of the time. He was laying with his head down buried in his arms on his table so you thought he was asleep. Quietly, so he wouldn’t notice you, you opened the door just slightly, enough for you to slip through, and inched your way closer to him. When you were as close to him as you dared, you took out your phone to document everything, so you can review what you got at home. But, instead of getting something or anything, you saw something that would change your life.

Jaebum was sleeping with his head buried as deep as it could be into his arms. But instead of the usual leering smirk that he had when he went to hunt for you, he had a melancholic expression. He had tears forming at the corners of his eyes. Suddenly, his face contorted into fear and pain and he shrank deeper into his arms. Your heart ached at the sight of him and thought about how nice it would be if you could make him smile. You looked at him, feeling pity for him, and without thinking, reached out and pat his head gently. His hair was soft, unlike how spiky it looked. You mindlessly continued to caress and Jaebum eventually had a peaceful expression on his face again. You straightened up from your position and got ready to leave when Jaebum smiled.

“Mum… don’t worry… I’ll protect you…,” he mumbled. “I won’t let… anything hurt you… anymore… I promise…”

You bolted out of the room, thinking of his beautiful smile and blushed. Your heart was thumping in an allegro and it didn’t showed any sign of calming down. You sank to the ground, leaning against the door, shocked at what you had discovered.

“Don’t tell me…,” you mutter to yourself. “Do I like him?”

You shook your head and stood up. You went back home for the first time feeling happy to have gotten your wish fulfilled in seeing Jaebum’s smile. But your heart still ached for what he had said in his sleep. You pondered for a while and realised you didn’t know Jaebum much other than the fact that he was good at fighting, for better or for worse.

“Poor guy… must have had a rough life…” you thought, pained as you recalled Jaebum crying in pain.

You would soon grow to know that Jaebum indeed had a tough life. Since young, he was exposed to a world of pain. He had made a resolve that he didn’t want to be weak and didn’t want to remain that way. He vowed to himself to grow stronger and stronger in order to protect his mum. In the end, it was inevitable but his father left the family and left Jaebum with a scarred heart. Eventually, he did get stronger, to the point that no one dared to come across him. He had made a name for himself and even delinquents dared not to pick a fight with him. Since he didn’t want to be caught by his parents, he always waited for them to throw the first punch. After all, what happened after would be self-defence for Jaebum. But when high school rolled around, he felt his frustrations grew as he realised the pain of keeping a secret from his mum. He had lied to her how he got certain injuries and even resorted to threaten a pack of students to pretend to be his school buddies. He had only realised how lonely he was and went around to search for fights. If he did, he would at least be distracted for a while, forget about the pain and the guilt.

Coincidentally, he had met you while he was skipping class and fell in love with your smile immediately as you were walking to your own class. A smile that knew no pain and he felt as though it was too precious to leave unprotected. He did everything to protect your smile, your precious happiness. He tried to keep you in his sights so he knew where you were at all times, would ward away any guys who had any intention of coming close to you and even tried to isolate you from the school just so you would come to depend on him. But he never knew how to properly protect a person and fighting was really the only thing that he knew. In the end, you were hurt in the process and Jaebum realised that you were never going to come around to him if he kept doing things in the shadows. You would continue to hand around guys, flashing an easy grin at them, not aware of what danger they could’ve posed to you. So, Jaebum felt as though you were challenging him. And a challenge it was. If you weren’t going to come around on your own, he was going to make you. And so, the bullying started.

At school, you successfully managed to steal the school’s rooftop key and locked yourself there.

 “Ahh! How nice!” you sighed in relief. “This way Jaebum can’t find me, at least for today!”

You were finally going to have a peaceful day for once. You went to the railings and sat there, swinging your legs in joy. The wind felt great in your hair and the freedom that you had, not being bound to anything felt amazing. You felt a whole load suddenly lift from your shoulders and for once after so many months, you managed to break out into an unrestrained grin. You laugh to yourself, feeling yourself go over the ledge, holding your weight by gripping the railings.

“This feels amazing!!” you laugh to yourself.

Immediately though, your thoughts went to Jaebum. He was probably searching for you right now since the bell had rung and students were beginning to file out of school from under you. You watched as your fellow schoolmates laughed with each other, smiling together. You thought of how lonely you suddenly felt without Jaebum. With Jaebum, at least you got someone with you, even if it hurt, but it lessened your loneliness even if it was just a tiny bit or if it was only for that one moment. It felt nice when Jaebum would find you. You felt wanted. Even if it was the wrong kind. Tears fell from your eyes as you looked down at the students. For a split moment, you thought of just letting go, feeling the wind through your whole body and not have to think of anything ever again. You wouldn’t have to worry about your parents’ constant arguing or your siblings retorting back to your parents or having you eat dinner alone everyday again because the others had “something more important to do”. You wouldn’t have to think of your school ranking or your academics or getting worried over an exam. You wouldn’t need to think about how lonely you were or Jaebum’s crying face or how he was probably still in pain. You would be free…

You sigh to yourself.

“Ahh… Before I knew it… Jaebum became super important to me…” you said.

You felt the familiar pang of jealousy as you thought of how he was always surrounded by girls or how he would casually flash his grin at them. Although everyone knew not to piss him off, as long as they were on his good side, they knew that he would treat them nicely. Was it just you then, you thought to yourself.

“Am I the reason Jaebum is always angry?”

You gazed off into the distance, distracted by your thoughts when you heard shouts from below you. You looked down from you position and saw a crowd of students yelling at you.

“Don’t jump off!”

“We’re here for you!”

“We’ll catch you!”

You looked down at them and felt confused. Did they think that you were going to jump? You rolled your eyes, which were still moist with tears.

“Even if I jump, is there actually anything good that comes out of it?” you muttered. “If I jump… Jaebum will be…”

You stayed up there at the railings, clearly not going to jump since you hadn’t taken off your shoes or written a suicide note but showed no signs of moving either. Some students had reported to passing teachers and some were trying to coax you to unlock the rooftop door. You made no movement, neither to acknowledge them nor to stop the possibility that you were going to jump. Right then, you saw a butterfly flitting by you. You leaned forward and reached out to it, carefully holding onto the railing. The butterfly landed on your extended finger and you smiled, feeling as though you made a friend with the small creature.

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we were actually friends though?” you asked the butterfly laughing.

You sighed sadly to yourself and looked below you. You stared in amusement to the crowd who were panicking. You guessed that it might have looked like you were about to jump since you were leaning so far forward and they probably couldn’t see the butterfly.

“What do I care about them… After all… no one bothered to help me… They only made my life harder…” you thought to yourself.

Suddenly, a voice said from behind you.

“Please don’t do it.”

You turned around in shock and, having forgotten that you were on the edge, let go of your hand on the railing. The next thing you saw was the sky above you. I don’t want to die!! You closed your eyes when you felt someone grab you from above. You slowly open your eyes and saw who it was that saved you.

“Im Jaebum?!”

He was panting hard and had sweat dripping down his face. He proceeded to pull you up and you safely landed on the other side of the railing. You stared in shock at him. What was he doing here? How did he get through the locked door?

“I—I broke the door… I was in a… hurry after all…” he panted.

You could only stare at dumbfounded. Why would he, of all people, rescue you? But you were most befuddled by how Jaebum’s voice was. It surprised you that he could speak so softly. You suddenly snap back to reality.

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!” he yelled at you suddenly.

Well, there went the soft voice. He was back at shouting at you. At that point, you had had enough. You wanted nothing more to do with Jaebum. You wanted nothing to do with these doubts. You wanted to clear it with Jaebum once and for all.

“YEAH, I AM!” you shouted back at him.

His eyes widened in surprise as the timid girl in front of him was flared with defiance, your eyes looking at him straight on with no fear.

“YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME? WHY SHOULD IT MATTER TO YOU, HUH?!” you continued, spitting out words with pent up frustration and anger. “JUST GO BACK TO YOUR USUAL SELF! SHOUT AT ME, HIT ME! DO WHATEVER!”

You expected him to shout at you, to actually hit you for being so rebellious against him. You closed your eyes, waiting for his fist to hit you. Tears streamed down your face when you realised that it really wasn’t his fault to shout or hit you. Anyone would be upset if their obedient toy suddenly up and left them after all. But…

“Don’t cry…”

“Eh?”

You opened your eyes and Jaebum enveloped you in a tight hug. You immediately squirm in his grasp, trying to break free, refusing to stop your tirade just because he hugged you. He tightened his hold on you, as though he didn’t want to let go of you just yet. The tears slowed to a stop, as though they were waiting for him to hug you.

“You…!” you twisted and squirmed as hard as you could against Jaebum’s unusually tight grip. “Let me go already! Do you intend to make my life more difficult than it already is?!

Jaebum just sat there, not budging and not speaking. In the end, you collapsed into his chest as you tired yourself out from fighting against for so long. You breathe in Jaebum’s smell and your vision clouded over with tears again.

“Why… why must it be you…” you whispered.

“If you want to hit me, hit me,” he whispered softly into your ears. “But hear me out for a bit please.”

He sounded so abnormally sincere that you could only nod and settle into his chest.

“I’m sorry. For everything.”

He pulled away and made you look at him in the eyes to show you how sincere he really was. You didn’t say anything, you couldn’t. You didn’t know what to say. You stayed in his arms as you listened aptly to him, basking in his scent and warmth.

“I know you think that I might be lying or planning to prank you by doing this but no. I’m serious right now,” he said, looking at you with desperation in his eyes. “I do smile at you, even if you don’t see it. I want to see you smile; I want to protect your smile. But I get so mad that you choose other boys over me. Why can’t I be the one by your side. I had even tried steering other guys away from you but… you never looked at me. Even when I tried to protect you… in the end…”

Tears streamed down Jaebum’s eyes. You immediately felt bad for shouting at him and reached out to wipe away his tears. At first, he was hesitant at you touching him but eventually warmed up to it. He took your hand it his and brought it to his lips. Your face immediately turned red.

“I don’t care what you think of me but,” he pecked your hand. “I like you. Not even that, I love you from the bottom of my heart. And I am not lying.”

New tears formed in your eyes—really, how much were you going to cry today. But you couldn’t help it. From one surprise to another. You break into a smile, the same smile that made Jaebum fall in love with you that fateful day. Jaebum’s eyes widened in shock and smiled at you, feeling a sense of freedom. As though a chain that binded you both together had finally been released, Jaebum let go of you. You could see that his smile was no longer the fake smile he would give to those girls or the proud leer he would give to you in order to hide his pain. It was a genuine smile. Much warmer and brighter than the smile he gave you that day.

“Im Jaebum, I love you too,” you say tackling him to the ground.

And for the first time since he vowed to become stronger, Jaebum laughed. A hearty, carefree laugh. He cupped your face in his hands and gave you a peck on the forehead.

“I love you so much and I won’t let you forget that,” Jaebum said.

His eyes which were once full of pain and guilt were now smiling and bright. This love which enveloped you, immediately healed you of the pain he caused you. You felt as though you were on a cloud. You never thought that you would ever be together. And now, your wish had been granted. And one thing was clear now, among those doubts that were in your heart for so long. You both definitely love each other.

“If I’m together with you, it’s alright.”