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[scribnaut]

I met a boy today at my school. We were attending a graduation event. It felt so fun and lighthearted the way we talked amongst ourselves. We had so much in common. It felt like a dream after a while. But then he had to get up and leave.

I sat there debating with myself whether I should ask for his number. Just to stay friends with him. But I was so terrified. It felt like I'd get rejected on all grounds. If he didn't outright reject my request for his number at that very moment, he'd probably reject me once he got to know the way I socialized (poorly). And if I managed to get through that, he'd reject me for being asexual. I was just so scared of the what ifs that I just outright accepted the rejection which comes with not even asking him in the first place.

I guess it's silly, but I've been thinking about him all day. Aside from just generally enjoying his presence, I can't stop thinking about that fear in me. The way I created this cruel image of him filled with disgust towards me—something that I can neither prove is real or not. And I wonder if this will carry through the rest of my life. If I'll continue to hold myself back for fear of that disdain once someone hears I'm asexual. To not even have a fighting chance because I lack something typically crucial in most relationships.

I never got his name. I'll never see him again. But deep inside my head, past all the insecurities and the anxieties, I have memories of the sweet boy I met across the table from me. I hope he's doing well.

[scribnaut]

misc reads

What's dark about dark academia? ana quiring, avidly

Necropolis, colin dickey, lapham's quarterly

Truth and consequences​: documentaries and the art of manipulation, blair mcclendon, the drift

A perfectly normal interview with carmen maria machado where everything is fine, theodore mccombs, electric literature

Can rilke change your life? kamran javadizadeh, the new yorker

A winelike sea, caroline alexander, lapham's quarterly

Vanitas, jordan kisner, the paris review

September notebook, 2018, daniel poppick, the paris review

Diary of nuance, adam thirwell, the paris review

I do not keep a diary, will rees, astra magazine

The gisoo tree, mojgan ghazirad, longreads

Politics of the archive, hito steyerl, transversal texts

The sacred word, sabiha al khemir, lapham's quarterly

What a year at university of oxford taught me about south asians, sumit samos, round table india

The cult of the imperfect, umberto eco, the paris review

Is it my body, lauren collee, real life

The delhi walla's vision of a possibly vanishing india, karan mahajan, the new yorker

The genesis of blame, anne enright, london review of books

A world without men: inside south korea's 4b movement, anna louie sussman, the cut

Crime of the centuries: michael steinhardt's exile from the world of antiquities, intelligencer

Desert hours, jane miller, london review of books

Controlled: annie ernaux and the millenial sex novel, noor qasim, the drift

Roach complex, chris randie, real life

Of rivers and snakes, xiaolu guo, the dial

Crush fatigue, alexandra molotkow, real life

On lacunae. (or: reading sappho at the eschaton), j.n., einsofist (medium)

Good immigrant novels, sanjena sethian, the drift

What can ancient spiritual poetry teach us about living, kaveh akbar, harvard divinity bulletin

Approaching gridlock: arundhati roy on free speech and failing democracy, lithub

Martin amis on the genius of jane austen (and what the adaptations get wrong), lithub

Blood ritual, enzo escober, guernica

Eating and reading with katherine mansfield, aimée gasston, the public domain review

[scribnaut]

misc reads

What's dark about dark academia? ana quiring, avidly

Necropolis, colin dickey, lapham's quarterly

Truth and consequences​: documentaries and the art of manipulation, blair mcclendon, the drift

A perfectly normal interview with carmen maria machado where everything is fine, theodore mccombs, electric literature

Can rilke change your life? kamran javadizadeh, the new yorker

A winelike sea, caroline alexander, lapham's quarterly

Vanitas, jordan kisner, the paris review

September notebook, 2018, daniel poppick, the paris review

Diary of nuance, adam thirwell, the paris review

I do not keep a diary, will rees, astra magazine

The gisoo tree, mojgan ghazirad, longreads

Politics of the archive, hito steyerl, transversal texts

The sacred word, sabiha al khemir, lapham's quarterly

What a year at university of oxford taught me about south asians, sumit samos, round table india

The cult of the imperfect, umberto eco, the paris review

Is it my body, lauren collee, real life

The delhi walla's vision of a possibly vanishing india, karan mahajan, the new yorker

The genesis of blame, anne enright, london review of books

A world without men: inside south korea's 4b movement, anna louie sussman, the cut

Crime of the centuries: michael steinhardt's exile from the world of antiquities, intelligencer

Desert hours, jane miller, london review of books

Controlled: annie ernaux and the millenial sex novel, noor qasim, the drift

Roach complex, chris randie, real life

Of rivers and snakes, xiaolu guo, the dial

Crush fatigue, alexandra molotkow, real life

On lacunae. (or: reading sappho at the eschaton), j.n., einsofist (medium)

Good immigrant novels, sanjena sethian, the drift

What can ancient spiritual poetry teach us about living, kaveh akbar, harvard divinity bulletin

Approaching gridlock: arundhati roy on free speech and failing democracy, lithub

Martin amis on the genius of jane austen (and what the adaptations get wrong), lithub

Blood ritual, enzo escober, guernica

Eating and reading with katherine mansfield, aimée gasston, the public domain review

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♪⠀⠀⠀✿⠀⠀𓈒ིུ⠀⠀Post-Crucifixion ... ☙

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Pronoia is the belief that the entire Universe is working in your favor. Start cultivating this belief and watch how miracles unfold in your life.

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ᅟᅟᅟᅟ   ᅟᅟᅟᅟ      🌄 ♥︎♫

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trátame suavemente ❤︎( ˙𐃷˙/⁠\⁠𓈒.˖🩷 ♪ ♫ ✿

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Rebecca Perry, Beauty/Beauty; from 'Hello, Little Bird'

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“Women, for no other crime than having followed the dictates of a natural appetite, are driven with fury from the comforts and sympathies of society. [..] Has a woman obeyed the impulse of unerring nature; — society declares war against her, pitiless and eternal war: she must be the tame slave, she must make no reprisals; theirs is the right of persecution, hers the duty of endurance. She lives a life of infamy: the loud and bitter laugh of scorn scares her from all return. She dies of long and lingering disease: yet she is in fault, she is the criminal, she the froward and untameable child, — and society, forsooth, the pure and virtuous matron, who casts her as an abortion from her undefiled bosom!”

— Percy Bysshe Shelley, Queen Mab; A Philosophical Poem; With Notes (1813).

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Château de Berzé,

Berzé-le-Châtel, Saône-et-Loire, Bourgogne-Franche-Comté, France,

@ Nik Piekhotnyi

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Dunsborough Park, Ripley, United Kingdom

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still thinking about emily dickinson’s house….

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i am alice and a rabbit hole lead me to this wonderland called earth and let me tell you.. it’s insane have you seen the lakes sparkling under the sunshine and have you seen a lover running with flowers in their hands and have you heard a woman talk to her child before bed??? have u once eaten bread straight out of an oven and by the way have you shared it with someone and seen their grin and how did it make you feel? i have and i am in love and i don’t wanna leave

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“Once a story you’ve regarded as true has turned false, you begin suspecting all stories.”

— Margaret Atwood, The Testaments

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by alexiskdoyle