secretcolorvoid
secretcolorvoid
attempting to improve my life
78 posts
this is just for venting he/she/they
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secretcolorvoid · 6 days ago
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I an going to try and see the university therapist next sem i can't keep lying to myself i can do without professional help, literally dug out my crafting blade (haven't done that in a while) and put it to my skin before realising that... I have to get to 3 years clean i have to live till atleast 27 for my friends if not for myself. i might throw out my crafting blades i already gave my elder sister most of my crafting supplies cause i got too busy to do that
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secretcolorvoid · 6 days ago
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healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear
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secretcolorvoid · 6 days ago
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the urge to cut vs the hope of getting to 3 years clean next year
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secretcolorvoid · 8 days ago
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fucking two years clean and I still feel the same like a shitty useless person i want to give up
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secretcolorvoid · 8 days ago
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keeping myself too busy to the point i am overwhelmed 😭 I wanna cvt again
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secretcolorvoid · 8 days ago
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I am burnt the fuck out and i feel like relapsing to selfharm and just burning and crashing the future seems hopeless and i just want to stop trying to get better or pretending i am better honestly the only reason I haven't done shit is because i can't imagine putting my friends through that again
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secretcolorvoid · 5 months ago
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sometimes I forget how easy it was to trigger my bad habits
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secretcolorvoid · 5 months ago
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healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear healing isn't linear
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secretcolorvoid · 6 months ago
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I'm in servers full of great artists and it makes me not want to share my art because I'm barely even decent at land scapes and that's the only thing I'm even ok at and then there's artist steve who could paint the perfect painting blindfold with his left elbow. Also artist steve has never painted before and only does digital. And he hasn't even been practicing for a year yet.
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secretcolorvoid · 6 months ago
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secretcolorvoid · 6 months ago
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The worst thing is that there is so much potential for exploring the horror of psych wards from the angle of medical abuse, ableism, forced treatment/drugging, loss of autonomy, power imbalance, demonization, dehumanization, etc, and YET the horror genre keeps defaulting to "insane asylums and psych wards are scary because there are mentally ill people in there"
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secretcolorvoid · 6 months ago
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i know that it's my mental illness speaking and not my brain currently but the more i look at my hand and leg where i cvt and the more i see the scars fade the more i want to relapse because i don't feel valid enough in my mental illness and like yes i struggled so hard to stop and heck last year a time like this i would be jumping up and down noticing how small my scars are getting but now i'm kind of attached to them and don't want them to go
heck they weren't even that big to begin with but still, i don't want them gone like the urge to relaspe is big but i don't want to because i struggled so so so fucking hard to get here
i am 1 year 7 months clean and i want to make it to the 2 year mark heck i want to permanently remain clean or at least do it for as long as i can but i miss the scars the marks the proof i am getting better and i know them fading is a good thing but still
i'm just probably going to get a tattoo like i was planning when i hit the 2 year mark but i was hopping they wouldn't fade because they are now a pert of me a part of me that i love and i never want gone i cant even imagine looking at my body and not seeing them but i guess i have to accept that they are going
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secretcolorvoid · 6 months ago
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random rant because why not
despite knowing i had an ed and recover from it I sometimes feel invalid in having had it because everyone else's ed seemed to make sense like "I kept on getting body shamed and it stuck with me" "my food intake seemed to be the only thing I could control in my life" "I want to stay 'pretty'" and the like
something that feels valid yk and mine is basically "when i was ten I had a teacher who hated me and made me starve if i didn't do my work or if i did it and he didn't like it so he quotes the verse in the bible that goes 'he who doesn't work should not eat' made me skip lunch and would occasionally tell my mom that i ate too much so i shouldn't eat at home and so now when i feel 'lazy' or I feel what i have done isn't satisfying to me I don't eat till i feel like fainting or till it affects my health and i use the ed tips online not to eat" and it just seems invalid even tho i know it is just as valid
so yeah still trying to work out that mind set almost 10 years later and i caught myself not eating today because i have been 'lazy' but i ate dw
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secretcolorvoid · 7 months ago
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the only reason I go on Reddit now is to find these bad two sentence horror posts. they're great. they're bad. but they're great.
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secretcolorvoid · 7 months ago
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The feeling of when you scars are fading and you wanna replace them with bigger and deeper ones <<<<<
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secretcolorvoid · 7 months ago
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I kinda want to cut but like I know I shouldn't and I made so much progress but damn the urge is strong I don't even have a reason to feel like that I just want to.
but I won't because I am a year and 6 months clean and I gotta keep the streak
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secretcolorvoid · 10 months ago
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im not even scared of dying or malnutrition im just scared of losing hair and my ass
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