secretsoftrauma

[secretsoftrauma]

Chapter One

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I’m running as fast as I can through the house, knowing he’s somewhere not far behind me. “KAI! KAISER!”, I scream, knowing my boy is here somewhere. I stop briefly to listen to where he might be. I hear him barking in the distance, and I head towards the sound. What if he did something to him? I push the thought away and continue searching. He’s a monster, but he wouldn’t hurt our puppy, at least I hope not. I hear him upstairs, and head directly that way. He must have locked him in his crate. I run up the stairs, fear gripping my chest, waiting to hear the sound of footsteps pounding behind me. I’m just about to make it to the top when I trip, falling forward and sprawling out onto the ground on my stomach. I hear barking louder now, and Kaiser is directly to my left, in the bedroom, fighting viciously against his crate to try to get to me. Before I have the chance to move, I feel someone grab my shoulder and flip me onto my back. He stands over me laughing, knife in hand. “Didn’t I tell you I’d always catch you? You’ll never escape me”, he says before plunging the knife down, directly into my chest..

I rocket myself up in bed, panting and covered in sweat. It takes me a minute for the fear to disperse, but I soon take in my surroundings and realize it was just a nightmare. Kaiser, my German Shepherd, is lying next to me, a worried look on his face. He slowly nudges close and starts kissing my face. I reach out to stroke the soft fur on his head and behind his ears, knowing it’s his favorite spot. He moves closer to me, laying his head directly in my lap to give me better access. Kai is my best friend in the whole world, and the only one who has truly been with me through Hell and back. I smile down at him, knowing how lucky I am to have him. Looking outside, I note that it is still dark out which means it’s still really early. I maneuver him slightly so that I can lay back down and try to get some more sleep. He groans at me but shimmies his body up more so that he is laying flush against me, and even sharing my pillow. It doesn’t take long before I hear his soft snores echoing beside me. I can’t help but roll my eyes and smile down at my best buddy. This dog is a human, I swear.

I spend 20 minutes tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable again, before giving up and deciding my body said I got enough sleep for today. I reach over to look at my phone and notice the time shining bright, momentarily blinding me. 4:16 A.M. Ugh, another night with little sleep and a full shift at work to look forward to. This day is already starting out great.

I roll the opposite way out of bed to avoid Kai and stretch while sitting on the edge. Everything in my back pops as I move, hinting at the years of back injuries I’ve been fighting due to my job as a Paramedic. I’m strong for my size, but my body still takes quite a beating from it. After I stretch out all my kinks, I pat Kaiser on the butt, “C’mon bud, time to get up and start the day”. He lets out a loud groan in response and doesn’t even turn to look at me. I laugh and shake my head. “Fine you can stay in bed longer, but only until I get out of the shower. Then you need to get up and eat so I can take you out. You can’t make me late for work again with your stalling”. All I get is a big doggy sigh in return as I watch him burrow his head under the pillow. I shake my head again, grab my clothes and head to the bathroom, smiling one last time as I look over at my pup. Everyone tells me I’m the crazy dog lady, and I couldn’t agree more. I talk to Kaiser like he’s a human, and in my defense, I swear he is smarter than most humans I know anyway.

I turn on the shower while I brush my teeth, making sure it gets nice and hot before I get in. I don’t understand people who like to take luke-warm showers, how is that even satisfying? As I step under the stream of water, I let it fall down my back first, loosening up all the muscles that became tight in the night, partly from the nightmare and partly from sharing the bed with a 90 pound dog who doesn’t know what personal space is. I take as much time as I can to enjoy the heat and steam as it surrounds me, before peeking out of the curtain to see my time running short. With a sigh, I finish out my shower and wrap myself in my favorite fluffy towel. I continue my self-care routine before getting dressed in yoga pants and a sweatshirt. As I exit the bathroom, I note the big lump of dog on my bed hasn’t moved an inch. Sneaking over to the window next to my bed, I open the curtains wide, letting the beginnings of daylight illuminate the room.

“Come on you big lazy butt, it is time to get up and out of bed”, I say as I kiss him on his head. Kai opens one eye at me before giving me another moan. “Kai, time to wake up. Now.” I say a little more sternly. I watch him take his time to stretch out his legs before slowly climbing off the bed one paw at a time. Then he shakes his whole body, as I watch his shedding hair fly all around the room and settle. I roll my eyes at him, “and this is why I don’t put on my uniform until the very last minute”. He wags his tail at me before trotting past me towards the kitchen. I follow him straight to the back door and let him out to do his business. May is creeping closer to us, but the cold does not seem to want to let go this year. I rub my arms for warmth as I watch my breath come out in puffs. The days are getting a little warmer, but the mornings and nights still remain chilly. New England weather at its finest, never knows what it wants to do.

I watch as Kaiser sniffs around before finding his favorite spots to go to the bathroom. If he wasn’t such a good escape artist, I could leave him out here alone while I continued getting ready, but nope. He would figure a way out before I even started breakfast, and I was not chasing him around the neighborhood. Again.

[secretsoftrauma]

You Did NOT Break Me

You didn’t break me, no matter how hard you tried

Because even though I was dying, my tears finally dried

You pretended to be someone you weren’t, so I would fall for you hard

You showered me with gifts and love, to make sure you caught me off guard

You put on a show for my family and friends

Little did I know the fairytale would soon end

You took what I loved about myself most

And made it disappear much like a ghost

You picked away at my self-esteem

Until who I used to be felt like a dream

Gone was the confident, independent girl I once was

Replaced by doubts and a constant anxious depressive buzz

You took my pride and shattered it apart

And slowly blew up the pieces of my heart

You would tell me you loved me more than anything one day

And the next your words would make me shy away

To curl in a ball in the bedroom upstairs

Alone with my tears and silent prayers

I tried my hardest to be a good wife

Until the only way out I saw was my wrist and a knife

As I lay bleeding curled up on the floor

Is when I finally woke up, and said no more

I will not spend my days begging to make amends

For things I did not do, this is not how my story ends

I will not be battered and screamed at any longer

I will pull myself up and make myself stronger

You can make all the threats you want now, you see

Because me and my babies will finally be free

I wont stand for a home with shouting, smashing things, and rage

My home will no longer by my cage

You may have ripped my soul out bit by bit

But I’m the seamstress now, and I’ll no longer quit

You made me fear for my life and afraid every day

And now a life alone is how you will pay

Because karma always comes for those like you

And you have a lifetime of debts accrued

Because you may have thought you were the person who won

But how does it feel to now be the one shunned?

No one to turn to, for we all smartened up you see

And most importantly, you did not break me

You tried your hardest to pull all my strings

Never thinking one day I’d wake up and spread my wings

But now you’re just my past, a deleted scene in my story

One that can burn forever in purgatory

I would say I wish you the best, but that would be a lie

For you do not deserve a proper goodbye

I hope someone does the same to you one day

And makes every minute miserable and gray

Because I spent four years completely colorblind

And now that its returned, the world is beautifully outlined

My future is bright, and I’m finally carefree

The storm clouds are gone, and you did not break me.