sectionable

[sectionable]

No matter how low my expectations are, people never fail to disappoint me ☺️

[sectionable]

I have this pain, an ache, right below my sternum that never fully goes away. It's not a real pain. It comes up when I am sad or ashamed or hopeless or lonely or wistful, or sometimes when I don't really know what or why I'm feeling. It's a psychic pain, I know, but it feels so real. It feels tender like I have to guard this spot on my belly for if someone touches it I will be in agony. It radiates toward my heart. I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm really tired of it.

[sectionable]

I'm so fucking numb

I know I desperately need to cry for six hours straight but I can barely muster up a single tear lately

(Shout-out to my psychiatrist for putting me on three antidepressants and two anxiolytics)

[sectionable]

[sectionable]

I'm 27 and legitimately the only thing I've learned that stops my BPD splits/rage fits is my nihilism and deep self-hatred.

Example: I got kind of attached to some guy in the psych ward. Then, another girl my age showed up. I started getting along with her too, but the guy became obviously much more interested in her than me, and then she also made a "joke" about me "eavesdropping" in on their conversations when I thought we had all just been chatting together.

I absolutely wanted to go do serious damage to myself and property. Wanted to run through the hallways screaming and sobbing and bashing my head into the walls and breaking my knuckles and scooping my eyeballs out with my fingernails.

BUT THEN! I remembered that the only reason I was so upset was because I foolishly believed for a second that I had a chance of being important to either of them, which is stupid as fuck because I'm the scum of the earth 🤩 and if I threw a fit, everyone would realize why I was upset, and would then realize I originally believed I had a chance of being important to someone, which would be humiliating because of how fucking garbage I am.

And, beyond all that, we're all on a big fucking floating rock in an inconceivably vast galaxy, and this is a psych ward and none of us are likely to remember each other in the end when we're dying alone and scared like everyone does, so... who fucking cares if anyone likes me, right?!

So I shoved my feelings down as hard as I could and I proceeded to interact with them both in a friendly manner as if nothing had happened.

Boom. I am the picture of mental wellness. 😌

[sectionable]

bpd culture is being upset when you aren't your fps entire world.

like????? you and you alone are enough for me, so why am I not enough for you? why do you need other people, other friends??? do you just not love me, is that it?? you are my whole world but I'm only a tiny part of yours??????

~👉🏼㊙️👈🏼

.

[sectionable]

My psychiatrist was a little bit stern/cold with me and it made me want to wrap my car around a tree* on the way home ✨

*for legal reasons this is hyperbolic. I was just really, really upset.

[sectionable]

I love having flashbacks to rehab

"therapeutic community" my ass

That place was fucking abusive and extreme

[sectionable]

Also my dumbass bought a tiny piece of moldavite for like $30 because -- even though I've never believed in crystal powers or whatever -- I'm desperate and have nothing to lose anymore lol

[sectionable]

I love that my cat woke me up at 2am and I have my (8 hour long) neuropsych testing at 9am and I'm super nauseous and my heart is racing and I can't go back to sleep now

The racing heart really freaks me out because I take a beta blocker so it rarely does that anymore

[sectionable]

I have a neuropsych eval tomorrow (9am-5pm) and I'm so fucking scared.

First of all, that's a long time for a battery of tests and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind from the anxiety but

My bigger worry is what if they DON'T find anything? I mean I already know I have depression/anxiety/BPD but I never feel like that fully explains why I'm struggling so goddamn hard and I truly feel there is something else at play (like ADHD or autism) but what if there isn't? What if I'm just like this? What if I'm just dumb lol

[sectionable]

So like I used to struggle really badly with alcoholism and it could've killed me. I had alcoholic ketoacidosis multiple times, alcoholic hepatitis, malnutrition (which almost turned to refeeding syndrome in the hospital), and withdrawals. Then when I got sober I had gallstones which blocked bile ducts and caused further liver problems, acute pancreatitis, and bilateral pleural effusion. I also have a congenital heart disorder which increases my chance of sudden cardiac arrest. And I've been suicidally depressed since the age of 12.

In one week, I turn 27. You know what that means!

[sectionable]

So this is the third time in like six months that my dad has had to tell me about (different) pains in his groin, which he always refers to as his "upper leg", while using the side of his hand to rub the crease between his thigh and his groin, staring at me and waiting to make sure I look directly at the area he's indicating (he'll keep rubbing until I do).

Third time.

This time it was to tell me about his swollen lymph node.

I'm sorry but what the fuck

[sectionable]

I turn 27 in a month yet I am still 16

[sectionable]

My dad is going to urgent care because of a bullseye rash and I know he wants me to pity him and give him attention like he's a child but I can't be empathetic because of the way he treated me a couple of months ago when I thought something was really wrong with me, the way he dismissed me and argued with me and got angry with me and literally abandoned me when I was sobbing and begging for help, I can't give a shit about his rash now but it's my fault it's always my fucking fault and it's always my fucking problem

[sectionable]

I fucking love my cat. That's it.

[sectionable]

Me before DBT: I think I'm dying

Me after DBT: I think I'm dying and that is okay