sensiblehearts

[sensiblehearts]

shade of gold

How do you reset a memory? I’m wishing to forget.

[sensiblehearts]

Depression is real. Depression can get the best of you at the worst time. It does not care about you, it does not think about you,it does not feel anything towards you. It’s just...there.

[sensiblehearts]

10.21.2017

Stone cold, stone cold You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor Stone cold, stone cold Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore

This post will be about relationships.  I am so thankful that I have found the person I believe is to be my soulmate. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I had found “the one” but it turned into a total nightmare. A nightmare that would haunt me for years to follow. Even to this very day, I am still haunted with the past as if it were going to come back. 

I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been ghosted. I’ve been broken up for one reason but later it turned out to be a total lie. I’ve had to talk him out of suicide. I’ve been emotionally abused. I’ve been physically abused. I’ve made myself so sick to the point I refused to eat because of the heartbreak of being toyed with. I’ve had someone tell me I was never going to see my mom again if I didn’t go to church and get saved. 

High school relationships never really matter in the end but the two most ‘important’ relationships I’ve ever had were during this time.  I dated a boy on and off for my freshman and sophomore years of high school. Things were never easy.  He never knew if he wanted to be with me so he kept breaking up with me. I was confused, I was heartbroken, I didn’t know what to do. Once I was able to collect myself, he decided he wanted to give it one more chance. I was unsure if this was going to be possible-- why would I want to go through that again? That’s when the suicide talk started to happen. That’s when the “if you really loved me, you’d be with me” came in. That’s when the buying nice things and slitting the wrist came in. It was all an attention ploy. Once he was called out on his bullshit, it stopped. And that was that. 

I believe it was my junior year when I started dating someone new. Things were going great, everyone liked him. This could have worked out really well. Now, I’ve never been a religious person. I’m more spiritual. He kept wanting me to go to this extremely baptist church with him. I wasn’t comfortable with it so kept saying no. This went on for awhile. Right after my father died, I wanted to be alone for a bit. He ignored that request and came over. It was around this time where he handed me a church pamphlet.  He told me if I didn’t get saved, I would never see my mother again. I later told him we were no longer dating. 

I dated a boy my senior year of high school for about 7 months. Man, he knew how to do and say everything right. My family loved him, his family loved me- everything was going great. He was my first, he was my best friend. Right before I left for college, he broke up with me. He felt like he needed to focus more on football instead of a long distance relationship. I didn't see why I would hold him back from playing sports but I went with it. He played with my emotions for years.  Every time I was close to getting over him, he would draw me back in when it benefited him. It took me years to get over him. I would compare everyone to him. It was not healthy. It finally came to light that the real reason I was dumped was so he could fuck other girls since I was away at school. 

Flash to my sophomore/junior year of college. I met this man at work. He seemed like the total package- smart, cute, family oriented, funny, the list could go on. If I would have known what I knew now, I would have never introduced myself to him. Most of my previous entries have been about him. The total bullshit mind games that I had to put him with, the rollercoaster of emotions I was strapped in too were more than I should have been able to handle. 

A month into our relationship, he had to move back to Virginia to help with the family business. I should have stopped it right there but I didn’t. We would both take turns making trips to visit each other. Right after our anniversary, he decided he wanted to spend Christmas with his daughter, which was great, but that also meant that his psycho of an ex-wife (that in itself could be an entire blog entry) was going to be there as well. She already didn’t like me for being with him even though she was already re-married. The amount of abuse I received from her for no reason at all was just...ridiculous. Simple as that. 

I’ll never forget the day the news hit me. I had just gotten done taking proposal pictures for a friend. She messaged me and told me the entire story- of how she flew up there with the hopes of getting her family back together, the sleeping around, him telling her that we had broken up. So I called him to hear what the real story was and he denied everything. I believe him. Like a fucking fool, I believed him. She was crazy, she does shit like that all of the time so why wouldn’t she be lying? After that night, he disappeared. There were no phone calls, no replies, no communication whatsoever. Then he called me and broke up with me. I was cheated on and then DUMPED. I was crushed but I moved on because I knew I didn't deserve what happened. 

I ended up going to church and the message that morning talked about forgiveness. I thought about it and realized that most of my unhappiness could be taken care of by confronting him years later and forgiving him. So I did. I reached out to him and let him know that all was forgiven. His response? Being upset that I blocked him on every social media site and him driving from VA to LA to talk in person. We talked, we hugged, I moved on. His (now wife again) sent more threatening messages about how I was the reason their family was falling apart and she wanted to kill me. So with all of that, I wiped my hands cleaned and was done with everything involving them. That was the last I heard from either of them. 

Flash forward to moving to Texas for a fresh start. I moved out of Louisiana to find a better me and to start new. During this time, there was a popular app called Vine out. I ended up following this one guy who I thought was pretty funny and pretty cute- not thinking anything of it. Somehow, we ended up connecting and chatting. How did that happen? This guy is internet famous and I was just...existing. Internet chat turned into texting turned into face timing turned into me driving to Austin to meet him. Things couldn't have gone more smooth. There was no awkwardness. There was no random silence. We just clicked. So we made it official and started dating. He wasn’t happy in Austin and wanted a fresh start with a new job in a new city. He wanted to move to Houston but I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea because we only had just started dating. I made sure he knew how I felt about it and let him know that I didn’t want him to move out here because of me and he reassured me that wasn’t the reason. Perfect. He moves out here and things were going OK. 

Then it all hit me.

I had sunken back into my depression. I hated myself. I hated the way I felt and looked. So I broke things off. How could I let someone try and love me if I couldn’t even love myself? Safe to say, he did not like that. He made sure to remind me how ‘fucked up’ that was and that I was the reason he had moved. He didn’t understand any of it. He called me names. He insulted me constantly. He had his friends call me names on social media. So I erased him completely from my life and that was that. 

There was a guy at work. I had always thought it was adorable. Once I found myself again, I tried connecting with him. I did everything to try and get him to notice me. Surely he would get the hints, right? Nope. It took MONTHS for it to click for him. It took him awhile to agree to even go on a date with me. But it was well worth the wait. I’m so happy that even two and a half years later, I am still madly in love with the kindest, sweetest, all around greatest man I’ve ever come to know. Everything that I have done and everything that has been done to me as led me to this. Led me to him. 

My heart is exactly where it needs to be.

[sensiblehearts]

[sensiblehearts]

3.13.15

Feb 6, 2015- I finally realized that I am not happy. I let go of someone I truly cared about and I know they care too. He’s been so nice about the whole thing. We’ve been fighting a lot these past two weeks. Most of it because of me, I know. I’m no longer happy. I no longer know what I want in life and that scares me. I stay up most nights with insomnia and thinking about things that I have no business thinking about. I don’t know where I went wrong. I don’t know why I was doing so great and then had this giant set back.

No matter what, I am on a path to become a better me. I can’t let someone love me if I can’t love myself. Because I don’t like being this way. I don’t like being so vulnerable and hating myself as much as I do. I hate that I can’t do anything about it. I just feel so uncomfortable inside and out

Feb. 7th- I looked in the mirror and just wanted to cry.

I got my hair done today. I feel a bit better.

I’m having circulation problems and turning blue. I don’t know why. I feel so uneasy

Feb 8- I’m having an anxiety attack. I couldn’t even order food at a drive thru because I didn’t wanna talk to them. Therefore, I got no food.

We’re fighting again and I just wanna cry.

feb 11- I’m doing okay today. I can’t stop shaking and I don’t know why. But I’m trying to eat healthier. I’ve got my salads for the week and my fruit infused water.

Feb 12.- he left me flowers in my car. I loved them but don’t deserve them.

Feb 13- he sent me chocolate covered strawberries. I love them but don’t deserve them.

feb 18- we had a big fight over something stupid and resulted in me leaving work to talk to you face to face. We are just going to be friends. No more extra stuff. No more flirting. Nothing….this will be hard.

I started working out yesterday and I worked out today. I feel amazing so far and super sore. I love it. I’ve always been on a meal plan this week. Some of it’s pretty gross but oh well. I hope I can lose all this fat.

March 1- you didn’t want to have a birthday get together because you didn’t want to be around me..I’ve made you’re life so miserable and it breaks my heart and I wish I could help but there is absolutely nothing I can do. How can I help someone when I can’t even fix myself?

March 7- I’ve been sick with a cold. I told you that I couldn’t talk this morning because of how hoarse I was. You kept saying good. I felt like crap.

March 8- I was joking around saying how awesome I was and you kept repeating how that was a joke itself.

You apologized and then later flipped shit when I deleted stuff off of snapchat. You said I try to hard to please people.

I’m not here to please you. I’m here to live my life the way I want to.

March 9- “I may be a depressed whiny bitch but Atleast I’m a good person”

You say that I have an attitude problem and that I need to treat people better.

March 13- I feel better. I feel like a load has been lifted off of me. Let go of all negative issues in my life and now I can work on being completely happy.

[sensiblehearts]

9.12.14

One of those days again. I thought about you a lot. I was driving home from work. I was stuck in 5:00 traffic while is slowly drizzled. It was just enough to piss other drivers off on the road.I don’t even remember what song was on the radio that just made me lose it. It had one simple line that just made me break down right there. I cried all the way home, and then almost two hours after that. I texted Adrian just to have someone to tell. He said he missed you all of the time. I mean, I do, as well. It’s just gotten harder. It’s been 8 years. I thought it would have gotten easier by now, but it jus gets worse. I would give anything to hear your voice. I catch it sometimes in my head, softly saying my name. Or I’ll catc your scent somewhere. I’ve had to stop conversations because of the perfume I would smell- just like yours. I have to play with my own hair now to put me to sleep, and even sometimes that doesn’t work because it’s not you. I just feel so lonely sometimes. I just want you to come home. You’re too far for me to come visit.

[sensiblehearts]

7.9.14

For as much as I love happiness, and love, and marriage, who knows if I will actually find someone to put up with all of me…and I mean all of me.

I get sick, a lot. I’m not even quite sure why. I should probably go to the doctor one day and find out. I get random stomach pains where I can’t get out of bed. Headaches are very common for me, as well. Don’t get me started on heat flashes. I get all flustered and my face turns beet red and I have no idea why. It comes and goes, though.

I have anxiety issues. I could be as calm as I could ever be, and then bam. Anxiety attack. I mean, they come when I’m anxious as well. As well as panic attacks, and ‘chest’ attacks. I have it quotes because I’m not even sure what they are. I HAVE seen a doctor about those before. Tightness of chest, short of breath, feels like my throat is closing up, palpitations, dizzyness. They’ve done EKG tests, stress tests, ultrasound: You name it. They never figured it out and I haven’t gone back. Who knows? I mean, I am broken.

There is a 50/50 chance I have Huntington’s Disease. If you’re not familiar with it, you should read up on it.It’ s is a neurodegenerative genetic disorder that affects muscle coordination and leads tocognitive decline and psychiatric problems.

The hallmark symptom of Huntington’s disease is uncontrolled movement of the arms, legs, head, face and upper body. Huntington’s disease also causes a decline in thinking and reasoning skills, including memory, concentration, judgment and ability to plan and organize.

Huntington’s disease brain changes lead to alterations in mood, especially depression, anxiety, and uncharacteristic anger and irritability. Another common symptom is obsessive-compulsive behavior, leading a person to repeat the same question or activity over and over.

So lucky me, right? Of course, I could get tested whenever I want..but I’m not sure if I want to. Because if I don’t have it, then either my brother or sister have it because it is a dominant gene. Thanks, Dad.

Bones. I have stupid ones. Well, some of them. My right knee randomly swells up. I want to say it’s because I fell on it a few years ago, but there’s no telling. I’ve been to the doctor and had x-rays done, but they also couldn’t find anything. I’ve had my ankles do the same thing.

I also have a case of mild scoliosis in my lower back which causes me to almost never be comfortable. Therapy helps, but I can’t go all of the time. Also, to make things worse, my neck isn’t aligned correctly. We are supposed to have a 'c’ shape curve, but apparently mine is straight so that makes my shoulders and neck hurt all of the time.

I wonder if I could find anyone who will actually deal with my nagging and pain all of the time. Love me even if I do have HD. If I do have HD, I wouldn’t want to have kids because I’d be afraid of passing it down. There’s just a plethora of things that need to be considered before even thinking about being with me. Not to mention all of my trust issues, but that’s a different story.

Goodnight

[sensiblehearts]

3.12.13

Stay Floating.

It’s one of those nights. Memories storm in like rushing waters. The water works begin. I am slowly sinking. Being dragged down. Like my brother said, it feels like you’re stranded in a sea without a rope.  Nothing. You can’t even hear yourself breathe. Just…sinking.  You know that it’s going to end soon because it’s just those memories that keep rushing in that are making it hard.

I miss my mom. It’s rare that I have nights like this. Well, not rare that I cry about missing her. I always miss her. I cry atleast a few times a month. That’s normal. But this is the kind of cry that just hurts. You feel restless after & feel like nothing will get better.  But it will. And it does. With the comfort from my brother and my best friends, I feel better. I’m slowing rising back up and drifting back to the shore of what semi-normal life I have. Things have been up and down so far this year. I don’t even know how to begin to put them into words right now. But I thank God that I do have words that I COULD use if I knew how to…if that makes sense. It does to me.

I’m feeling better…for now. March 12, 2013.

[sensiblehearts]

3.6.14

I’ve neve been too fond of silence. That’s when your true demons come out. It’s whenever you can really find yourself. From the drop of a pen, to the sound of your hear beating in your chest, to the trees swaying in the wind outside. I’ve never been too fond of silence.

It’s been 7 years, 6 months, and 7 days from when the most heartbreaking silence hit me. The faint static noise that came out of a room monitor still haunts me. No breathe, no slight moans, nothing. The other monitor was placed into my mothers room. The room in which she died. The ever lasting silence. Nothing more.

I rely on music to keep me sane. I’ve never been too found of silence so I try to keep something playing in the background of whatever task I am doing. I try to keep the demons at bay.